"Do one thing every day that scares you." – Eleanor Roosevelt

The sunshine was hot over the Castle that morning and offered a stark contrast from the grey days we'd been having of late. I decided to make good use of the sun that had become a rare occurrence lately and work outside with some of the artefacts that weren't heat sensitive. I chose to sit in one of the side gardens that was not open to the public and set myself down at the base of a large oak tree.

There was something glorious about spending time outside, the feel of the sun on your face and the breeze at your back, it was most invigorating. I had brought with me two boxes, one box to house those items to go back into storage and one box for items to be displayed in the Castle. This was my favourite part of organising because there was always a multitude of things to be discovered and it was always the moment where I felt closest to history.

My box of artefacts held such wonders, from jewellery that sparkled in the sunlight to letters from family and friends. I thought it was fascinating to read accounts from the past and the letters proved most interesting to read. A couple did mention Valarie's name but nothing too concrete.

My first day in the sun bought an end to the lunches inside as Maggie refused to willingly sit in 'natures path'. I was semi grateful for the break, for Maggie's behaviour and attitude was starting to make the lunches awkward and uncomfortable, even with Ben's presence.

I almost regretted accepting Maggie's half-hearted apology but was pleased that we could retain some sort of civility to one another.

I was almost worried about what I would do for lunch till I remembered I could walk to the kitchens for food and hopefully some company with Maria. However, I needn't have worried for when it came to lunchtime, Maria bought out a tray of fresh pressed lemonade, sandwiches and biscuits. I was thankful for Maria's thoughtfulness and was delighted when she decided to stay and chat.

What started as just Maria and I having lunch in the sun became so much more in the coming days. Soon enough both Billy and Zac joined out little group along with the twins and Ben. Lunch in the sun became such a regular thing that even when the weather turned bad, it didn't stop the lunches from occurring, only the setting changed.

I was slightly disheartened that Maggie didn't join in with the lunches when we had them inside, but I guessed I couldn't push the issue without having another shouting match with the woman in question. Maggie had become a bigger recluse than she tried to make out Raff was when I first arrived. It was as if Maggie and Raff had swapped positions. The more I saw of Raff, the less I saw of Maggie.

As usual, thinking of Raff filled my mind with thoughts of him. I'd been enjoying my dinners with Raff as he was a charming man of many pursuits. As time passed, I felt myself feeling more than just friendship for Raff and I really didn't know what to do with those emotions. However, I did know that the churning in my stomach wasn't good and recognised the signs of a crush as they blossomed around me. 

As I took a break in my work day, I bundled myself up in a coat and a scarf to arm myself against the strong winds of late and set off in the direction of the gardens. I knew there was much of the grounds left for me to discover and I wasn't going to let to cold weather stop me. I loved the thrill of seeking out new places but wished the British weather would sort itself out! Windy breeze indeed, it should be warm and sunny, not cold and grey.

It was while walking that I experienced the same pulling feeling I'd felt in the West Wing. Giving into temptation, I allowed the feeling to guide me and I stumbled across somewhere I'd not been before. Hidden behind large vines that had sprouted on a wall near the back of the Castle, I found a door. Brushing the vines away I managed to open the door just a little to get a glimpse of what lay inside.

It was beautiful, a hidden treasure for my eyes only. A secret garden lay behind the door with plants growing more wildly than I thought possible. I was certain that some of the plants here hailed from the tropics and I wondered how they'd survived the harsh English winters. So many colours danced in my vision, it was quite spectacular. I felt like I was looking through a kaleidoscope of colours. I managed to wrench the door open wide enough so that I could slip through and I sat down on the only bench I could see, gazing in happiness at all that was around me. I knew then that this was going to be my favourite place.

The more I relaxed in this garden, the more I experienced the past and the presence merging together. I felt dizzy as visions danced across my eyes. The made little sense to me, disjointed as they were but I distinctly heard the laughter from one and chatter from another person. Snapping out of it I was surprised to find that I hadn't lost consciousness. It was equal parts terrifying and exciting. Did this mean I could bring Valarie out and remain in control? Jumping to attention, I rolled my shoulders against the familiar shudder of uncertainty and casting one final look at the treasure I'd found, I left the gardens for the warmth of the Castle.

"Ben, Ben."

I clutched at my chest, panting from running around the Castle in search of Ben. In hindsight, not my best idea.

"Valera, whatever is the matter?"

"I had an epiphany."

At the alarmed look on Ben's face, I realised I was grinning like a loon and toned it down a bit.

"What if I could channel my visions myself without having a blackout? That would offer so much and be less stressful or fearful, right? I might even be able to tap into certain events and control what I see."

"Or, you could hurt yourself. You don't know what it could do to you or how to go about doing it."

Drat, I hadn't thought of that!

"Don't be disheartened. I only want to make sure you are protected and aren't putting yourself into danger," he paused to pull something from behind his back, "I was coming to give you this. I know it's not much, but I thought it could help you organise your thoughts."

Ben handed me a journal and once again I found myself touched by his concern. A kinder man you'd be hard to find.

"Thank you, Ben."

I smiled brightly as I thanked him and was rewarded by seeing two pink spots appear on his cheeks. It was sweet and I had to restrain myself from hugging Ben and calling him out on it. That evening when I was sitting snuggled up on my bed, I proceeded to write down all the visions I'd had so far, the places I'd had those 'pulling sensations' and all I knew about the story Raff had told me. Ben was right, it was a relief to write it all down and seeing it written made it seem less confusing and fearful. It showed me where the blank spaces were and where bits didn't make sense or where there were no links. For the first time, seeing everything written down made me feel like I had a chance to solve things and not just continue my goal of surviving. 

I bumped, quite unexpectedly, into Maggie in the corridor. At first, neither of us knew what to do and the corridor became filled with a stifling silence and a tension so thick that it would need a giant knife to break it. I awkwardly shuffled my feet along the carpet as I battled with myself to say something. It was sad that our friendship had disintegrated to this.

"You shouldn't be wandering the corridors alone, you never know if something might jump out at you?"

"Are you threatening me Maggie?"

"No...but these corridors are about to get rather busy."

"Why? What is going to happen?"

Maggie looked at me with a mixture of disgust and contempt that reminded me of my many foster parents over the years.

"I assumed the Marquis would have told you," she said, sneering.

I didn't like the sneer on her face any more than the smug glint sparkling in her eyes. It was obvious she was pleased that I didn't know what was happening and that it cemented the idea that Raff and I weren't close. It made me feel rather unimportant, but I wouldn't let Maggie know that. Besides, Raff had been away on business, so it wasn't like he could tell me anyway.

"No, I don't know what you're talking about."

I tried to keep my voice calm and collected. If Maggie wanted to take the low road then I'd strive to take the high road.

"Every summer and winter the Marquis has held a ball for all the villagers and other important guests. We haven't held a ball in quite some years, but I was informed this year that we'd have one again. It's my job to organise things," she said proudly.

"Well I'm sure you will do a fantastic job. It's just the thought of thing you excel in."

Maggie seemed most unprepared for my niceties and became quite flustered in response.

"Yes, well...anyway."

It was amusing to watch Maggie walk purposefully down the corridor without another word. I was more inclined to laugh a Maggie's behaviour than to be hurt by it now. It wasn't until midmorning and after several hours of hard work that I stumbled across Ben and was able to ask him the questions in my head.

"What is this about a ball being held?"

Ben looked surprised by my knowledge of it but didn't question me.

"It has always been a tradition though the theme and guests have changed over the years. The Marquis changed the guest list to include all the villagers when he inherited the Marquis title. They stopped for several years while the Marquis was recovering from his own heartbreak, but it was announced only recently that he intended to hold another one this year."

My heart quivered at the mention of Raff and I had to quell the desire to tell my heart to behave.

"Seems like a sudden decision."

"I suspect there were many reasons for him choosing to bring the ball back," he said with a twinkle in his eyes.

I frowned, not understanding or liking the underlying message in Ben's words.

"What do you mean?"

"How is your work going?" asked Ben.

It wasn't lost on me how Ben neglected to answer my question, but I answered his with good manners. It was a happy occasion to talk about my passion for history with someone who was equally minded. I was however, mindful to watch Ben's actions and suspicious about his deflect from my question.

I remained bemused over the ball for most of the day. It seemed a strange decision and though I couldn't fault Raff's kindness in inviting the villagers, it did seem odd to me that a Marquis would hold a ball for villagers and staff instead of the elites of society. I wondered at the break in balls, why they'd been stopped and why they were now being started again. Whatever gleam had been in Ben's eyes, it was obvious that he'd rather me suffer with questions than clue me into the secret. It was another oddity that I could write down in my journal.

It was to my upmost relief that my questions were answered two days hence, when Raff all but cornered me in the breakfast room, making me drop my sausage, and asked me to accompany him on a 'traditional' ride through the village. I'd said yes because I wanted to spend more time with Raff, but I shuddered at the thought of a 'traditional' ride. I was not, I came to realise, going to be travelling in an old horse and carriage but ride on actual horseback!

I was apprehensive for two reasons. Firstly, it was rare for me to see Raff in the morning as I usually didn't see him till after lunch. Secondly, I didn't know how to ride a horse and was worried about embarrassing myself or hurting myself during the experience.

It turned out that my fears were unfounded as part of the 'tradition' required me to ride the same horse as Raff. This made me feel both elated and terrified, and slightly suspicious. The former because of the feelings I had for Raff, the latter because I was quite terrified of horses and the suspicion because I was sure the correct 'tradition' would have me seated on my own horse. These horses were big, very big, and they stared at me with unblinking eyes. One buck could have me thrown from their backs and one wrong move could see me kicked with their hooves. They were an animal I usually avoided.

Raff dragged me from the Castle in a dignified manner to the horse that was waiting on the front lawn. I noticed with heavy fear that the horse bore no saddle, just some heavy blankets. I supposed that a saddle would prevent two people from riding a horse, but it did nothing to ease my worry.

Next to the horse stood a stable hand who held the reigns and stroked the horse's nose. There was also a set of steps to help people mount without a saddle.

As if sensing my fear, Raff was quick to assure me that everything was alright. He mounted first with the help of the steps. Then, it was my turn and with the help of the stable hand and with Raff's words of encouragement, I managed to get onto the horse as well. Sitting behind Raff, my arms immediately curled themselves around Raff's torso and I held on for dear life. Raff chuckled, his laughter sending vibrations through me but thankfully he didn't ask me to loosen my hold. He took off almost as soon as I had settled, and I let out a small scream of terror before burying my head between Raff's shoulder blades.

"I did not realise you'd be so afraid."

I couldn't deny it, it was wonderful to be so close to Raff. The feel of his muscles under my hands sent my heart aflutter once more.

"I'm glad to see you look better today and less tired. When we last spoke you didn't quite look like yourself."

I was glad he couldn't see my face as we rode towards the village. My dinners with Raff has progressed to the point that I thought we were close friends but still, I knew so little about him and I'd lied about why I was so tired all the time. I neither wanted to burden him with the knowledge nor lose his friendship as I told him the truth. I hoped my lies could hold out just a little longer.

The ride through the village turned out to be more than casual ride Raff has suggested. We stopped at the Butchers, Bakers and even Dressmakers. I was amazed to see the village come alive with people and activities and felt guilty that I hadn't explored the village properly the first time around.

Raff was very patient and compassionate with every villager he stopped to greet. It warmed my soul to se him act so kindly with everyone who passed, whether they be young or old. It was clear that everyone loved Raff and held him in high esteem. It was during this outing that I finally realised why everyone talked of Raff with such awe and sincerity. Raff was a true gentleman.

Having dismounted the horse quite a while ago, I was trailing besides Raff as he made his rounds. I wasn't quite sure why he had asked me to come along when I clearly had no knowledge of what was going on, but I plastered a smile on my face and conversed with those that wanted to talk to me as best as I could.

For the most part, I stayed in the background, observing all before me but never directly interacting. It was clear that the villagers were confused by my presence next to Raff and though they hid their confusion, they seemed uninclined to acknowledge my presence. I was beginning to find the trip slightly unpleasant when we made our final stop of the day.

The last stop was to visit the elderly lady, the oldest in the village, the one I had met on my last visit.

"Hello Cora."

"Master Raff," he elderly lady responded with warmth.

It was the first time I'd heard someone other than myself call Raff by his given name. I thought he would frown upon it but he merely smiled down upon Cora and introduced her to Valera.

"Valera, may I present Cora Greenfield, the source of all knowledge within the village."

"Wait, you're Cora Greenfield? The same Greenfield who tried to adopt me?"

The air was sucked from the room. My heart felt like it had barely any oxygen to function. Raff had gone into shock and Cora was staring at me intently, like she was trying to see into my soul.

"You know who I am, don't you? You knew when I came with Zac and yet you still harassed me with questions. What am I to you? Why did you try to adopt me? Why did it fail? What is going on here? Why is everything so complicated? Was I brought here on purpose?"

I realised I was becoming hysterical but once hysteria starts, it's very hard to stop it. There was a small voice in the back of my mind which was becoming louder with each passing second. Raff looked as confused as he did shocked, and I knew in that moment that he had no part in what I was talking about. Hell, I didn't know what I was talking about, I might not even have got the right person. I am sure there were many C. Greenfield's in the world.

"Yes, I did try to adopt you when you were little because I knew your family and thought you would benefit from growing up in a warm and loving home. It was denied because of my age and a home visit showed I was 'unsuitable' to look after a small child. I see that this day has been tiring for you and I cannot tell you why things are complicated because I don't know what you are referring to. It is clear to me that something is frightening you, you look as scared as you did the last time, I saw you, but I believe you have to overcome your own fears before you can let others in."

I paused over Cora's words. I felt like I was floating above my own body and was watching the scene from above rather than living it. Cora's answer now directly linked me to the village and the Castle, just like my ancestor/past life has been linked. Cora said she had known my family. Did she mean my Mother or Father? Or both? I knew neither and so, could offer no insight. If I had been so important to Cora, when the adoption had fallen through, why hadn't someone else in the village tried? Furthermore, I didn't feel particularly frightened as I'd almost come to terms with what had happened and was happening to me, so what was Cora seeing that I wasn't?

"You've chosen well Raff."

I watched as Raff's shoulders visibly sagged in relief. I didn't understand. Cora said 'chosen' but what had Raff chosen? Surely, they weren't referring to me? I turned to Raff for words of comfort or to see a sense of denial upon his features but was rewarded with silence only. Raff was starring at me though, his green eyes shining like bright pools of melted emeralds as they bore into the depths of my soul. No comfort came from Raff, but the usual fluttering of my heart returned tenfold.