"The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don't wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope." – Barack Obama.

I wondered, for the millionth time since she'd arrived at Flyzroy Castle, how everything was connected. I knew I wasn't crazy or losing my mind, but I still felt like I was walking along a thin line between reality and something impossible. The books I'd got had been read cover to cover and now sported several hastily scribbled margin points. Most had been completely useless, but I had found several references to reincarnation that had proved helpful. The most helpful book talked about how reincarnation came about when a soul needed to return to finish something. It said that memories from a previous life could be unlocked in many ways but the most common was remaining in a place that felt familiar and triggered 'feelings and visions.' I guessed that made the most sense to me as it was the closest to what I was experiencing. It brought back the theory Maya had of everything being related. I just needed to find the link and then I might get closer to the truth.

Thinking things through has always made me feel better but this time I wasn't sure that it was working. I was glad that I now had something to go on and that I now confidently knew I wasn't suffering from a damning illness. I had been walking from the breakfast room when I began thinking of these things and soon realised, I had wandered off course. I knew I should focus on other things, like the job I was here to do, but I couldn't resist the temptation.

With these thoughts clouding my vision, I recognised the signs as they happened. The darkness from sudden sun and the cut of my air supply. I realised the signs of the panic attack and tried in vain to stop it from happening. Panic attacks were horrible, and I hated how weak they made me feel but I had learnt from experience that I couldn't control them.

I stumbled like an elephant down the corridor, I couldn't stop the tears from falling and blurring my vision, nor could I stop the goosebumps that erupted on my arms, the churning of my stomach or the unsteadiness of my feet. I vaguely heard Maya in my head warning me not to become hysterical and to count back from ten in my head.

10. The room seemed to tilt suddenly and without warning my legs folded from underneath and I crashed to the floor.

9. I could feel bruises from the awkward fall but couldn't focus.

8. I curled up against the corridor floor.

7. My heart beat to the tune of its own drum, thumping painfully against my ribcage.

6. My feet shook as I tried to gain control of my body.

5. I focused on my breathing. In and out. In and out.

4. I tried to calm the thoughts in my mind, to stop the chaos and focus on something positive.

3. I focused on relaxing my muscles, on drawing back the anxiety and tried to focus my vision.

2. I took long measured breaths. Filling my lungs to the max and then emptying them completely.

1. Ben found me curled up against the corridor wall, his face a picture of worry.

I could feel the panic attack passing through my system and slowly it left me, but the side effects remained. I felt dizzy and my hands were shaking. I was no longer blinded by tears, but my head was now raging with a horrendous headache.

Returning to some sense of mind, I finally broke from the haze and met Ben's concerned gaze. I'd vaguely heard him say something but couldn't remember what. I battled with myself, but I knew I could trust Ben. I couldn't explain it, but it was like some force inside me was telling me that telling Ben was the right thing to do.

"Have you ever felt like your mind is working against you? Or struggled to separate reality from fantasy? Ben I'm worried. I keep having these blackouts where I see the memories of a person who looks like me but isn't me. Maya thinks my soul is reincarnated and that I need to solve something. I feel familiarity in places I've not been before. It's like having all the pieces but not knowing where they fit. Things here feel so similar like I've seen them before and that frightens me. Do you believe in reincarnation? You think I'm crazy...don't you?"

I waited for the fallout, for the laughter and the sarcasm. I waited to be locked in chains and frogmarched to a mental institute. I had to work hard to stop my body from folding in on itself, goosebumps once again settled on my arm as I waited for Ben's response.

"I've come to believe in my life that sometimes the impossible things become the most real. Life isn't as black and while as some people might think. There are many shades of grey with many more waiting to be discovered. Sometimes the myths are real, witches do live in secret, curses are meant to be broken, lovers are separated, and nightmares are real. I'm not mocking you and I don't think you're crazy, so you don't need to look at me like I took away your favourite toy. After all, don't they say that not everything is as it seems."

I blushed under Ben's serious stare, suddenly feeling embarrassed for all that I said.

"Perhaps you are experiencing these blackouts for a reason. How does the person feel in the blackouts you have?"

"Scared. She's running from something. Something she thought would be locked away forever. It's hard because what I see in the blackouts don't seem to be in order."

"You said places made you feel like you'd been there before, any place in particular?"

"When Raff showed me the closed wing, I had a horrible sense of deja-vu. It was like I should have recognised where I was but couldn't."

"Perhaps you should visit the West Wing again, it might help to jog a memory. Things are obviously happening for a reason. Maybe you're on the path to find hidden mystery."

"Can you help me? You must know all the secrets of the Castle."

"I believe in this instance things are not that easy. You would not experience these blackouts just for me to hand you the answer on a silver platter. Keep your eyes and ears open Valera. Remember, not everything is as it seems and not everything is an open and shut case. If you run into trouble, I'll try to help but I can't promise anything."

Getting up off the floor I brushed myself down and removed invisible dust from my clothes. With one final look of concern, Ben nodded his head and carried on down the corridor, leaving me to my own devices. I was thankful that I hadn't had to suffer the panic attack alone as they were always so draining but I wasn't sure how I was going to shift my headache. Normal paracetamols didn't work after an attack.

Walking in the direction of the close West Wing, I felt determination rise up inside me and burst forth with new energy. I hoped I wouldn't get told off for being somewhere I shouldn't. Doing my actual job was far from my mind as I walked, each step set in purpose. Working off what Ben had said I began thinking more about the destination I was heading towards and the feeling that came with it. The more I focused my mind, the more I ignored what Ben had said and the thought that he knew more about my blackouts than he had let on.

The visions had started to grow in intensity the day I moved to the Castle and I wondered about the mystery surrounding the West Wing and the people that dined and died here. I wondered at the possible connections between my blackouts and the story Raff had told me.

Was there something more than a simple coincidence going on here?

I wasn't a fool, I'd noticed a lack of historical pieces of furniture in the Castle. Had they simply been locked away? Or removed?

I was quickly coming to realise that I hated how my mind became fixated on something. I had a feeling that I would soon be driving myself crazy trying to find the answer.

As I arrived at the closed West Wing, I felt apprehension and fear fill my soul. The same deja-vu sense was here only it had multiplied tenfold. I started to forget my logical mind as I walked further into the space. It was unnerving, the silence around me. Everything seemed void of life and I longed to remove all the dust sheets and bring life back into the rooms. I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen these rooms before, even though, in this lifetime at least, I hadn't. The ballroom especially tugged on my sense as did some of the other formal rooms. I wandered aimlessly without purpose or destination in mind. I felt like I was touching history, and that every room had a secret to uncover. I lingered not in the rooms Raff had already shown me but sought out the ones I had yet to discover.

Almost as if I were connected by a piece of string, I walked in an almost comatose like state into one room. It was bare like all the others and all the furniture was covered in dust sheets but there was one difference – this room was clean, spotless in fact and there was not one speck of dust to be seen. It had been preserved and remained hidden, just waiting for me to find it.

I felt dizzy and steadied myself against the wall as my body threatened to blackout. I fought it for several seconds and my vision flickered from present to past before I managed to conquer my fear and push the impending blackout away. I remembered the room now, it has been the first place I'd visited as Valarie, but I couldn't remember the rest of it. I knew Valarie had gone to meet with someone, but I couldn't pull up a clear image of who that was. I remembered the fear though, and felt it lingering in the room.

I felt certain now that Valarie was once a guest in this Castle and that the story Raff told me was related somehow. If only I could work out the details of it.

 During the next couple of days, I worked diligently through my work in the storage rooms. It was long and hard, but I stuck at it and was pleased with the progress I was making. My dinner with Raff has been pushed back till Friday and I suspected the approaching dinner was the reason that Maggie had not yet turned up for their usual lunch date. She also suspected it had something to do with her earlier outburst.

In between my work, I found time to visit the West Wing on multiple occasions. I felt – as odd as it sounded – safe there and was becoming accustomed to the feeling of deja-vu and the nauseated feeling I had there. The only thing that worried me was that I'd started to miss out on sleep and the lack of sleep was impacting my life and my quality of work. It would be easier if I was having nightmares, but I wasn't, just flashes of images that never lingered and always woke me up in a sweaty fear. I knew it was starting to show, the bags under my eyes becoming more permanent and my headaches were increasing in pain.

Sooner or later something would have to give, I just hoped that I would find something positive at the end of the rainbow.

I was fortunate that my work had kept me busy for it stopped me from worrying about the upcoming dinner. I had been wrapped up for quite some time in a love letter I'd found. Usually I would have put it back on the shelf to analyse once the initial clean had been completed. However, with these letters I was too curious as half of them were signed 'Valerie' and the other half by a 'Marquis Lloyd'. I assumed he was an ancestor of the current Marquis, but I could only speculate. At least this was proof that her blackouts were real and that more importantly, Valarie was real. Surely, this was more than it seemed, but it was a step in the right direction. I hated to think how cruel fate really was if this turned out to be mere speculation. My curiosity had heightened now, and I was reminded of the story Raff told me, that the West Wing had been sealed after his ancestors' heart was broken. I had a feeling Valarie was the woman who broke it. It explained why everything felt so familiar here in the Castle.

One letter had caught my attention. It was only a partial letter though, as if half had been torn away or eroded with time.

"My love,

Your wounds from my rejection run deep, I'm sure and though you will not understand it, I do love you. However, the world is tormenting me, I cannot stay a moment longer when the shadows threaten to destroy all that I hold dear. I must run to save our love, to save us. I am sorry my love, I hope one day we'll meet again but I think this shall be our last meeting.

I miss you already my love,

Valarie."

In fact, I'd lingered over this compelling letter so long that I was almost in a mad dash to get ready for dinner. The letter stayed as a heavy reminded in the front of my mind. I was undecided on what to wear and eventually decided on a simple black dress, thinking that it was the perfect combination between formal and casual. As I dressed, the letter kept flashing through my mind. The way Valarie had spoken in the letter, you could tell how much she loved and cherished the Marquis. I could also see her fear and worry clear as day and knew that Valarie's past held more secrets than a box full of skeletons. Something was terribly wrong, and the poor girl was suffering for it. I had yet to determine if her sorrow came from her own ding or from being the subject of another's affection. I knew that when the answer came, I might not like the results, but it didn't stop me from wanting to know.

Dinner was to be in a different room from breakfast. In fact, it was in a room I hadn't been to before and coincidently, Ben had arrived to lead me down. I was content to walk with Ben who was a calm and kind man. As we walked, my brain chose that moment to remind me of Maggie's previous words and my mind started to droop under the pressure. Couple with conversations I'd previously had with other people and my brain became a concoction of jumbled thoughts and feelings. I forced myself to keep walking and basked in Ben's reassuring smile as I descended into the snake pit and all that lay waiting for me.

The room, another beauty, gleamed in the candlelight provided, the table was set for two and seemed too big for the two of them. It was almost groaning under the weight of everything atop it. Conversation waited till I was seated, and I enjoyed the brief seconds of silence, using them to gaze curiously upon Raff. He was wearing black trousers that cut close to his figure, with a black shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows. The top button was undone giving me a tantalising view of the top of his chest.

Suddenly I felt warm all over.

"You look lovely."

My eyes found Raff's and I almost embarrassed myself by gaping like a fish. I didn't think I'd ever get used to how handsome he was. He was the kind of man who made your heart stop beating and your body melt to goo.

"Thank you."

There was a natural pause and Ben used the time to fill their glasses with champagne before leaving the room.

"How are you finding the job?" he asked.

"Intense but enjoyable. You weren't joking in your letter when you said your family were hoarders! There is so much rubbish to get through but for everything I throw out, I find something precious to save."

"Have you found anything precious recently?"

Our food arrived and was served, so conversation was halted, and Raff's question was left hanging in the air. The food looked delicious and it felt like the cook had put extra effort into the food tonight as the flavours were lighting up my tongue like fireworks and the smell was making me want to moan in delight. Raff seemed content to watch me as I ate, which I found put me oddly at ease and not uncomfortable. After a while however, I felt compelled to answer his hanging question.

"I found some love letters today. They're beautifully written. I can tell the love was real."

Raff tensed, though you could barely see it, I noticed because I was starring again.

"Love letters? Whose?"

"I assume an ancestor of yours. Half he letters were signed 'Marquis Lloyd', and the other half were signed by a woman named 'Valarie'. I could tell from reading the letters that the couple were very much in love."

I now noticed the more defined tension in Raff's shoulders as he seemed to become a still version of himself. His fists had turned white and he began trembling with emotion. I had, it seemed, stepped on a nerve. I had hoped for answers, but I might just get a slap to the face.

"I wondered if they were the lovers in the story you told me about."

"I thought those letters had been thrown out."

He mumbled his words, but I still heard them. I turned my attention back to my food and let the silence roll around us. I could tell Raff needed time to digest this.

"It seems you stumbled across proof of the mystery I was telling you. Before you, only the family and staff knew of that story and even then, some things have been missed out or forgotten. Her name was indeed Valarie and she was beautiful. My ancestor, the 3rd Marquis of Flyzroy Castle fell madly in love with her when she came to stay in the summer of 1820, but she was hiding a dark secret. The happy ever after they desired never happened because of what haunted her. The mystery around her death was never solved but as I told you, the Marquis didn't last long. I told you that he died of a broken heart, but I lied. The truth is his death was sudden and suspicious but foul play was never proven back then."

"That's terrible. What a secret for your family to carry but why are you telling me?"

"You're good with puzzles, perhaps you'll solve this one. It would be nice to finally put it at rest."

I eyed him closely, trying to work out the motive behind his words.

"Enough talk of my family history...are you alright? You seem rather pale. I do hope you aren't stretching yourself too thin."

Startled by the sudden line of questioning, it took me several seconds to get my brain in gear.

"I'm fine. I just haven't been sleeping well."

I hated to lie, especially after Raff has just shared some truth with me but he wouldn't understand. I'd been pleasantly surprised by Ben's reaction, but I couldn't expect everyone to be like that. Raff eyed me suspiciously, his mouth pulled down in a frown like he didn't believe a word I said. It made me squirm nervously in my seat.

"I'm sorry about Maggie, I heard she lay into you about your intentions towards me. She's always been...protective of me. I can have words with her if you'd like."

"Oh no, don't do that!" I cried, too loudly for the room. "I mean, it'll probably just confirm the fears she has about me and make everything worse."

Raff raised his hands up in surrender and I felt my panic dissolve. The rest of the dinner passed with pleasant conversation and equally delicious food. I was surprised that Raff hasn't asked to see the letters I'd discovered as his reaction had been more interesting than I'd expected. It was good to be able to sit down and get to know the man who had employed me, and though I felt I had learnt some things about him, I knew that there were many more layers to his personality. I was sad when the evening eventually ended and had to remind myself that I would see Raff again.

Ever the gentleman, Raff gracefully rose from his chair as I rose from mine. To surprise me, Raff insisted on walking me back to my rooms and kept up a good stream of conversation with me. Once we'd arrived at the door to my rooms, the evening felt a little less like a dinner between blossoming friends and more like something else entirely. Or perhaps that was just wishful thinking.

"Thank you for agreeing to have dinner with me. It's surprising, but I didn't realise how lonely the Castle was till I saw how you have brightened everyone's lives."

I blushed, horrendously embarrassed by his words.

Raff leaned forward and I felt my heart flutter in anticipation. He reached forward, taking me hand in his and tenderly placed a kiss on the back of it.

"Goodnight Valera."

I was both happy and disappointed as I watched him walk away. The kiss had been unexpected, and I wasn't sure what to make of my feelings. I was supposed to be making friends not getting all gooey eyed over a man.

Perhaps Maggie had been right in her words, not that I was a gold digger but that I wanted something more than friendship from Raff.