"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." – Maya Angelou

I regretted waking up in light of the dreams that had been tormenting me with half-truths and visions that held no meaning. Images of Raff swirled around my vision. It was foolish, I knew to think of him, but I couldn't help the places my mind took me while asleep. The Raff I'd imagined had been old and grey and I'd assumed he had wanted me to sort out his forgotten affairs while he was still alive. I never expected that the Marquis would be so young, caring, mischievous or sexy. I knew the original image I'd had of Raff had been the one Maggie had wanted me to have, but I couldn't help by feeling a little hurt that she hadn't trusted me enough to know the real Raff.

I had been surprised by the conversations I'd had with him yesterday. My previous expectations of him had been completely shot down and I had been unprepared for his intelligence, wit and sensitivity.

Swinging my feet onto the ground and stretching my arms high above my head, I finally brushed all thoughts of Raff from my mind. A shower and some food later, I was retrieving the books from my car and was ready to start a new day of work. Wrapped up in a big winter jumper, I'd already learnt that working in the storage room could get cold, I knew this would prevent me from shivering all day. The added plus to this jumper was that it had a front pocket that I could rest my aching hand in. It was still bandaged as it had been yesterday but despite the paracetamols I was taking, it still throbbed painfully. I supposed I should man up a bit, ignore the pain and continue on but I wasn't that sort of person. I was the sort of person who felt pain. However, I did try to ignore the pain and heed Raff's warning of not using my hand too much. It was something I was finding quite difficult to do but I got on with it, even if I was clenching my teeth.

I was in good spirits when lunchtime rolled around. I'd made good progress, getting rid of three full boxes of rubbish and the back wall of shelves were now uncluttered and presentable. Only things of potential value now remained, and I'd placed them back on the shelves for the meantime, knowing I could sort through them when the rubbish clearing stage had passed.

Maggie was late for our lunch date and I became quite worried, wondering what could have prevented my friend from appearing. When she finally did arrive, I was ready with a smile on my face and a warm greeting on my lips. Immediately though, I realised something was wrong with Maggie.

Maggie slammed the lunch tray down on the table, making me jump and retract the smile from my face. I wondered what the matter with my dear friend was and what could have caused her such a bad mood. My mind wondered through all the possibilities, but I couldn't fathom a reason for her behaviour. I knew that Maggie had been upset at the thought of me leaving the Castle for two weeks but now that I was back, I could see no reason for her apparent anger.

Despite greeting Maggie warmly, I'd received no response from her, and lunch began in a cold awkward manner. I desperately wished I could leave the room as well as hoping Ben would appear to ease the tension but neither of my wishes came true. The air seemed to thin and stretch in the room, I found it hard to breath and felt my emotions swirling around me like a chaotic tornado. I felt like a scolded schoolchild, forced to eat in silence as a form of punishment. Many times I tried to engage Maggie in conversation, but each attempt was shot down with a glare and a loud grumble. I was completely perplexed and desperately wanted to know what had twisted Maggie into a grumpy cat. It was unlike her to be this angry. Maggie was always such a jolly person and this new side of her was rather unnerving.

In the end, I gave up trying to get Maggie to talk and pretended nothing was amiss as I ate my lunch. I figured Maggie would be more likely to talk if I stayed silent. The way Maggie's face was slowly gaining colour, it didn't seem like I would have to wait long before she exploded.

The meal was, as usual, superb. Today my plate was filled with roast potatoes, vegetables and cold meat. Gone were the days of empty sandwiches and lumps of mouldy cheese that I used to eat for lunch. They were doing a good job of looking after me here. The simple kindness I'd been shown since I arrived had warmed my heart and brought a smile to my face. It was like being in a real family.

"You can wipe that smile off your face you hussy!"

I moved my gazed from food to Maggie. I flinched at her tone of voice, shock and hurt displaying in perfect clarity upon my face.

"Don't know what you were thinking, taking us all for a ride. I warned you against this. I told you to stay away but did you listen? No! Now you think you can sink your greedy little gold-digging hands into him, is that it? I should have been more forward. Perhaps if I successfully locked you in storage rooms you would have behaved. The Marquis is off limits. You can't have him. You'll just break him like she did. I won't have it, scum of the earth the lot of you!!"

I paled considerably. I wouldn't admit it out loud, but I had valued Maggie as a true friend. I had always found it difficult to meet people who I could trust, a trait Maya blamed solely on being raised in the system. To hear Maggie talk like this was hurting me more than I thought.

"Maggie, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Sure, 'no idea', right. I'll get you sacked for this I swear. He should know your true intentions, you whore! I should have know what you were all about, no family to speak of and a profession that allows you to move around. You are just like her, what the others were thinking of I don't know but you are not the answer to our prayers. You've come to steal his fortune, haven't you? Good for nothing orphan, can't believe I trusted you!"

I was torn apart by Maggie's words. One the one hand, Maggie had said things that I didn't understand, and it was like talking to Philip's father all over again. Who was this woman Maggie was referring to? What prayers did they need answering? Again, I felt like there was a big secret being kept in the Castle cupboard and I was determined to know the answer.

On the other hand, I had never spoken of my past with anyone here, so I could only guess as to how Maggie had found out. I felt so betrayed that Maggie had turned on me like this. I never thought Maggie would be so stupid as to assume something about me and I was slowly realizing that Maggie's protectiveness of Raff stretched further into obsession than a simple need to protect her Master. I remembered Maggie's warning about not disrupting Raff, but I had never expected Maggie to judge my character and accuse me outright of being a gold digger.

Shocked by the sour turn the lunch had taken, my knife and fork clattered against the plate loudly and with little regard to Maggie and the image my actions projected, I fled from the room with tears in my eyes.

I had not got far when I bumped into another body. Looking up fearfully, I worried about who I had walked into but seeing the comforting and concerned face of Ben, I completely lost all sense of decorum and dissolved into hysterical tears.

"My dear child, whatever is the matter?"

His kind words only served to make me cry more. Embarrassed by my state, I tried in vain to stop the tears from spilling but instead made an unattractive snort as snot blocked my nose. I was touched by how caring Ben's voice sounded but worried if he too would turn on me once he heard the truth. He guided me to a hallway bench where we both sat down. Ben rubbed his hand in soothing circles on my back and whispered words in my ear as I tried to calm down. It actually worked and I found the panic start to leave me and the tears dry up as I was left with a bubble of anxiety and a coldness that swept through my body. I couldn't help but think that Ben would have made an excellent Father and wondered briefly if he had a family. As my brain focused on other things, I finally managed to calm myself and explain things to Ben.

"Can you explain what has happened to cause you such distress now?"

I nodded, "Maggie thinks I'm a gold-digger and I don't know how but she found out I have no family and used it against me. She said that I was a whore and not to be trusted and said I was similar to another woman she didn't like who broke the Marquis's heart. She also said I wasn't the answer to everyone's prayers and that she would see me sacked. I have never felt so betrayed, trusting people is hard and I thought we'd become good friends."

Ben's face became shadowed with anger and authority.

When he spoke his words were sharp and clear.

"Maggie means well, I know it doesn't seem like that now, but she does. When it comes to our dear Marquis, Maggie has been working here the longest and has seen him grown from child to man. She feels she has claim on the Marquis as his protector. Though I hate to say it, her mind had become a little warped on the subject. There was a time not too long ago where the Marquis fell deeply in love and we all thought wedding bells were on the horizon but alas things never go to plan. Maggie has been overly protective of the Marquis ever since then. I know it doesn't excuse her behaviour but at least it helps you understand a bit."

I flung my arms up in exasperation, "I only met the Marquis yesterday and he didn't exactly meet me in a good mood," I said pointing to my hand. "He was very pleasant and amicable to me and expressed interest in getting to know me better at dinner on Wednesday. I thought that was a very reasonable offer from my employer and accepted. The only thought I had was of becoming friends with my employer."

"How did you hurt your hand?"

"I punched my ex-boyfriend's Father in the face. It wasn't my best moment, but I let my anger influence my actions. I met Raff yesterday and he wrapped my hand for me and instructed me not to use it too much," I said, absentmindedly cradling my injured hand to my chest.

"On first names with the Marquis already?"

I blushed, knowing my eyes were growing as wide as saucers under Ben's stare.

"I'm only teasing my dead but for what it's worth, if anything does happen between you and the Marquis, I think it would be simply marvelous."

I suspected, as I turned a rather alarming shade of red, that Ben was rather enjoying my embarrassment. I whacked him on the arm using my good hand and he laughed accordingly. It was a relief that I hadn't lost Ben's friendship as well. I sighed at the prospect of going back to work, for one I didn't think I'd be able to concentrate much, and I couldn't bear bumping into Maggie after the words we'd exchanged. Call me a coward, but I'm much prefer, to let things simmer down before I approached Maggie again.

"I wish the Castle had better phone reception," I murmured.

The need to talk to Maya had grown strong during my meltdown and I knew she'd know exactly what to make of Maggie's behaviour.

"Why don't you use the house phone?" asked Ben.

I frowned, "I never knew that was an option. Maggie never showed me where it was kept. I thought it was staff only."

"Oh Maggie...It's in one of the smaller sitting rooms near the front of the Castle. I can show you if you would like, that way you'll know where it is if you'd like to make a phone call."

I nodded, happy at the prospect of talking to Maya about my recent troubles.

As we walked, Ben respected my reluctance to return to work and offered an alternative solution.

"You know, it's a wonderfully bright day outside, it would be a shame to waste it. Perhaps this afternoon would be the right time to take a tour of the village that surrounds the Estate as I'm sure it would help to clear your head."

"Thanks Ben," I replied, amazed by his perception in all situations.

We'd reached the small sitting room by now and Ben had pointed out the old-fashioned telephone that I could use. He promised me that no one would mind me using it and encouraged me to take all the time I needed.

"You might want to seek out Zac, he knows his stuff when it comes to the village and not just because he lives there."

Sitting in an old open top carriage, I felt a little out of time and place as Zac raced the carriage down the tight country road and into the largest of the Estate villages. I had tried to persuade Zac against the open top carriage, but he would not be swayed and stated that it was the only way to travel to the village in style.

In the end I recognized the loosing battle I was in and stopped trying. Zac was a bubbly sort of fellow with a sharp mind and clever wit. He loved plant life and had been outstandingly happy to apprentice at Flyzroy Castle, but he also loved his home and the people in the village. He explained that they've tried to preserve the village as much as possible and only added what was necessary. It led me to believe I was visiting a village that was stuck in the past and I couldn't have been more correct in that assumption.

At first glance – for afar – the village looked abandoned and parts of it were definitely more rustic – or rundown – than I expected. However, there was certainly a quaint charm to the village that I couldn't help but love. As we entered the village, it seemed to come alive with people busily going about their days. I could spot several shops lining the streets, all with an old-fashioned feel and I was surprised with how big the village was. I'd made the assumption that it would be small, but I had been sorely mistaken.

I couldn't help but feel like an ant as the carriage thundered through the village and couldn't stop the dread of fear that filled me as each village paused to stare at me as I passed. I felt a sense of deja-vu, the experience mirroring the first time I met Georgina and Freya but on a larger scale. I felt paranoia well up inside me as the stares became more than I could handle. The people were just curious about who I was and why I was riding in Raff's carriage, I knew that, but it didn't make it any easier to deal with.

I noticed with some sadness, that some of the stares I was getting were ones of distrust and anger. I wondered if rumours had already been spread about me by Maggie. I couldn't help but feel the strings of familiarity forming, similar to the feelings I got when I blacked out and I tried to hold onto the feeling and decipher it, but it vanished almost as quickly as it had come. It still unnerved me how often I got these waves of emotion. I hadn't yet worked out if they were trying to tell me something or warn me about something. Suddenly, I longed to return to the Castle.

"Why do they stare so much?"

Zac chuckled, "they ain't used to visitors Miss and you've been working at the Castle all this time, they're curious to see you."

"Still, it would be nice if they didn't glare in such a judging way."

"Not a lot of visitors make it down to the village Miss, they're just curious, nothing more."

I nodded but was still annoyed by the villagers. Zac stopped the carriage at the side of a busy street and helped me down. I noticed there was a distinct lack of cars on the roads and wondered if that was just another strange thing to add to my list of suspicions. Taking my arm in the crook of his, Zac began what soon became a detailed tour around the village. I was startled by how vibrant everything was. It was clear that the village was full of life and flourished in the glow of the Castle.

Zac explained that the village wasn't as big as it once was but that it still flourished under the love and care of the Marquis. Everyone in the village still pulled their weight tending to the fields and livestock they had. For being so small, the village had a good number of commercial buildings; a post office, hat shop, clothing store, and even a pub were present and that was just the buildings I could see.

At ground level the people we passed seemed less aggressive in their stares. However, though I saw some smiles, the majority of looks sent my way were still distrustful. I tried not to let it get to me but was still concerned that everyone was judging me on what Maggie had called me. I rubbed my hands up my arms, trying to dispel the goosebumps that had landed there and tried in vain to ignore the churning bubble of anxiety the stares were giving me. Learning about the village was distraction enough and I soaked up all the information Zac gave like a wet sponge. There was such history here, from the houses that held soldiers during the wars to the antique cars that had never been driven. I was surprised that no one had ever thought to break free and move away from the village, as I could understand a younger generation might find the small village stifling. I also couldn't understand the lack of tourists, because I could see this village attracting all sorts. Apart from the tourists that visited the Castle gardens on open days, I hadn't met any other people that weren't directly related in some way to the Castle itself.

"Do you ever think of leaving the village? Moving to somewhere larger?"

"We have no need to move Miss. We have everything we need right here."

I pondered Zac's words but still found them odd. There were a lot of odd things happening in the Castle and the surrounding Estate and I couldn't help by let my curious mind wonder. Aside of Maggie's recent outburst, everyone I'd met had been warm and friendly and I knew I should stop my suspicions intrigue before I got myself in trouble, but the lure of the unknown was too exciting for me to resist.

The tour seemed to end almost as soon as it had begun – or at least that's what it felt like to me. We'd been walking around the village close to two hours and my feet had began to throb painfully. The last place Zac took me around turned out not to be a historic building or tourist point but the home of an elderly woman. The woman seemed most excited to see me and I couldn't fathom the reason why.

The way Zac was speaking to this elderly woman made me feel like I was in the presence of someone important and someone who should be honored above all, like Raff was. The woman in question shooed away the crowd I'd attracted and pushed us into her front room. The woman had a very sharp wit and fired question after question at me, so much so that I struggled to keep up with her. The woman asked me questions related to childhood, to my education, to my current profession. Excusing myself to use the facilities, I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as soon as I had removed myself from the tense front room.

"I like her. She's grown up well, better even, then I ever expected."

The words hit me like a freight train. I only heard them as I'd lingered behind the door to collect my thoughts. I walked towards the toilet with a slightly confused smile gracing my features. To hear the woman, speak with such familiarity was confusing as I knew I'd never met the woman before and yet she seemed to care for me.

Splashing water on my face, I sighed as I felt a headache forming. It had been another of those troublesome days and I wished – not for the first time – that things could be simpler. Patting my face dry, I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. To me it was nothing remarkable. I blinked and gasped. For a moment my face morphed into another. It was like looking at me and not looking at me. Was this what Valerie looked like in my blackouts?

We could almost be the same person, twins even. I jumped back in fright, my heart beating erratically in my chest. I felt the familiar twinge of panic and fear engulf me. What was happening to me? Was I slowly losing my mind? I felt the lines of reality blurring around me. Was this just a coincidence? Or was it possible for my blackouts to seep into my reality. Could I be overtaken by Valerie? The thoughts were frightening.

I returned to the room and asked Zac to take me back to the Castle. All thoughts of socialising had flown from my body and I just wanted to curl up in my bed. I apologised to the elderly woman, but she waved me off. It never occurred to me that Zac hadn't introduced us properly until I was back at the Castle, but the parting look the elderly woman had given me, made me think I would see her again soon.

It took a while for me to calm down from my trip into the village and I wondered briefly if life was trying to test me, or, most likely, why I had been given the short stick in life. I wasn't sure with all the heavy emotions I'd experienced recently that my heart would survive another panic. Truthfully, I was starting to become more worried about the blackouts. Regardless of what my Doctor said, something was happening to me, it was affecting my day-to-day life and sending me down a road of unwanted adventure. I felt that the lines between reality and fantasy were starting to blur and I was getting caught in a trap of twisted gossip and lies when I just wanted to do my job.

I was relived to be able to telephone Maya that evening as I felt as if my nerves were on fire from all that had happened. Maya was surprised that I'd managed to get hold of a working phone to call her on, but otherwise happy to hear from me.

"I saw Philip's today, he came by and asked me again where you were. He mentioned giving you a 'good talking to' for what you did to his father. He was also sporting a rather bruised nose."

"I'm not surprise he wants to give me a 'good talking to', I punched his father when I met him."

"You didn't? You punched him? You're the most non-violent person I know...I'm not sure I believe what you're saying."

"He purposefully cornered me outside the coffee shop, and I didn't agree with what he was saying. I ended up getting pushed too far and I flipped. He deserved that punch."

"What did he say?"

"Told me that I was essentially family property and just because my engagement to Philip had fallen through didn't mean I could just leave the family. He kept going on about me 'repairing' what some woman in the past had done to the family, like it was my fault? He sounded like a crazy man and he had me in a bruising grip and kept shaking me."

"I mean, I've never met Philip's father, but I actually hate him now. I didn't even think that was possible. Is that why you phoned?"

"I had a tough day; the blackouts are still occurring. I know the tests showed up nothing and that my Doctor said it was nothing to worry about but I'm being shown this woman's life for a reason and that reason is slowly taking over my life. Sometimes I just get so angry that I was given this lot in life."

"I think anyone would be angry to be experiencing what you're experiencing."

"I suppose you're right, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with."

"I'm sorry. I can support you through it, but I can't physically take the blackouts from you."

"I know, I'm just frustrated. I do have some good news."

"Go on, I'm dying to know."

"I finally met the Marquis. Well, I met him on return to the Castle after I'd punched Philip's father. He's not old at all but young and attractive. He patched my hand up and requested I have dinner with him on Wednesday. He seems very kind and intelligent and funny. It will be nice to get to know him and you never know, we might end up being friends!"

"Are you sure it's just friendship you have in mind? You sounded rather besotted talking just now."

"Of course not, I don't mix business with pleasure. I don't have many friend's, you know that, and it would be nice to make another."

"Never say never. What's really going on Valera? Not that I don't enjoy talking to you, but neither of the stories you've told me match the voice you answered the phone with."

"How do you always know?"

"You're my best friend. I know everything about you. I'd be a pretty pathetic friend if I didn't."

"Smarty pants."

"Tell me what's wrong."

"During my usual lunch with Maggie today, she exploded with anger directed at me. I'd thought we were friends, but she belittled me and shamed me like no friend should. She accused me of being a gold digger who was after the Marquis, Raff's money. She also said I was a whore and that people needed to be told about the kind of person I was. She threatened to have me sacked."

"She doesn't sound much like a friend. She has been lovely up to this point, hasn't she? Perhaps she has a crush on the Marquis?"

"It would be creepy if she did, she's been working for the family since his birth. She is rather overprotective of him though, and a little obsessed. She compared me to some other woman that had hurt Raff and then told me I wasn't the answer to everyone's prayers – whatever that means."

"You know, I'm starting to think that you are living in a fictional story. I mean, think about it, you're in an old Castle, you suffer from blackouts and are potentially a reincarnation of someone. All the staff are a little bit odd, almost trapped in the past and then there's the Marquis who seems steeped in mystery and secrecy. It's almost like you've stepped into a bubble, or a story manufactured entirely for you. Your blackouts, the Castle and the inhabitants feel like the beginning of a canned Disney film. It's only a theory, but maybe that's what Maggie was referring to, the link between everything – whoever scorned the Marquis – is related to the blackouts you have to solve."

"I suppose it's something to think about, but I'd be surprised if that was the case. As I said, Raff appears around my age or a little older and in my blackouts, Valarie always appears in settings relevant to the beginning of the eighteenth century."

"Maybe you should just see how things go then. Don't push things too far unless you can handle them. I know what you're like, you'll panic and become hysterical then everything will spiral out of control. Try to keep your head firmly on your shoulders, you can always phone me – and I'd love to be informed about what happens. It might be hard what's happening to you but it seems like there are people at the Castle looking out for you, even if Maggie isn't one of them anymore."

"You're right. How is it you're always right?"

"It's a skill I've honed over years. I'm just an amazing person."

I laughed down the phone at Maya, trust her to spin the conversation to make her laugh out loud.

When I hung up, I felt refreshed about life. Pouring my fears out to Maya had helped and I was glad I hadn't lost my friendship to Maya in my move to the Castle. Walking the halls back to my room, I felt lighter than when I'd arrived at the Castle and couldn't stop myself from showing a secret smile. Though the Castle walls seemed formidable in the evening light, I refused to let the darkness get to me and continued to walk with positivity in my heart. I pushed all that had happened today and all my fears and worries right down and refused to let them spoil the happy mood Maya had left me in. 

[2019 1st Person Edition]