"Ice is for death and endings," - Guy Gavriel Kay, Tigana

1815

"My Lady, the Marquis requests your presence in the garden when you're ready."

I had jumped, not expecting the knock at the door or the voice that followed.

Sunlight danced across my vision as I opened my eyes. Rising from the bed I realised a headache that had sent me upstairs that morning had been washed away. Looking at myself in the mirror I wondered if I could turn back time. The woman who stared back at me was beautiful. She had long blonde hair that fell to the small of my back in cascading curls and my green eyes stood out against the paleness of my skin. I was wearing a plum coloured dress that covered most of my body but still left a hint of the woman I was.

I had thought that my arrival here would save me but really it had just prolonged the pain. I had become reckless in my actions about town and had thought removing myself from the city would be ideal. I had not expected to fall in love...I didn't think love was at all possible for me, as I believed my heart to be stone cold. I had known that getting involved with another was dangerous, but I had foolishly assumed I would not be found here and if I was discovered, that I would be protected. This was not the case and as I remained locked in a silent battle with my reflection, I realised just how much fear was bubbling under the surface of my happy façade.

I'd practised so hard to not show fear yet here alone in my room it was all I could do not to collapse under the weight of it. I'd been so close to my happy ending, so close to the future I deserved and yet I couldn't have it because I was already tainted. I was selfish yes, dishonourable and manipulative too but I would not send someone I loved to their grave.

I had more than enough time to sit here and contemplate the way my life had turned out. Fleeing the family home with no more than the clothes on my back, I had managed to claw my way to the top but still, I was haunted by every move I made. My destiny lay in my madness, the madness that was born from the threats and the fear that kept me running my whole life. Messages of what would happen to me found me in every corner of my life. It didn't matter if I stayed still or kept moving, the messages never stopped.

Years of suspicions had proved fruitless, I could never uncover the sender thought I had ideas. Part of me wanted to find out who was taunting me but the saner part wanted to keep running. The latest message had come after weeks of silence and since I'd found it beneath my pillow this morning, I couldn't shake the fear I had.

'Remember you belong to me, sweetheart. Neither death or gaol can keep us apart. I am coming for you. A life for a life seems fair...

Why did he now continue to torment me so?

"My Lady?"

I was knocked from my memories with the reminder that the Marquis was waiting for me. I arranged my hair into an elegant up-do while letting the tears fall freely down my face. There would be no time for tears once I left this room. I looked beautiful; the 'crème de la crème' of society.

Making my way outside made me feel like I was walking to my death, and really, I might as well be doing just that. The man before me was as stunning as the first night I'd met him. He looked like a marble statue, carved from the hands of Aphrodite herself. Strong high cheekbones highlighted his chiseled jaw and the stubble that lay there. His olive skin made him seem exotic and proudly showed off his dual heritage. Naturally, women had flocked to him but he had always remained a gentleman in turning their affections away.

His eyes searched mine as he pulled my small hands into his larger ones and for one small moment, I worried he'd seen through my façade. His hands were soft and warm but a little callous in places. His brow was wrinkled in thought and I felt a mix of emotions wash over me: anger, confusion, sorrow, love and fear. Why was she doing this again? Why was she getting rid of her one happiness?

"Valarie, you must know how I feel, do not deny me now."

"You don't know what you're saying."

I tried to break free from his hypnotic gaze, but I could not. I begged with my eyes for him to reconsider but he didn't.

"Haven't the days since we met been wonderful? I love you most completely, surely you can give me some hope."

I shuddered under the intensity of his eyes. I'd assured myself that this time would be different, and I had been different. In the end, however, it wasn't enough to undo a lifetime of misdeeds and I had to let him go. He loved me, I knew but had hoped it wasn't the case. He wanted a life with me, I knew because I could see the lingering hope and desire dance across his eyes. To be his one and only, his wife, Mistress of his home...it was very tempting but through that happiness of that thought came the fear of what might happen if I disobeyed. My fear was tied to my secrets and I knew if I stayed the lies which followed my every move would slowly unravel.

Such was my life, that uncertainties and past mistakes ruled me. I wished I hadn't been quite so foolish and taken more care in choosing where to next move. I'd heard good things about this place, and it was far enough from anywhere else I'd been. It had been so easy to immerse myself in the life here. The culture of the country was vastly different from city life and so were the people, but I had always been good at adapting.

Unfortunately, it seemed I'd wandered into a dangerous den and stayed a little too long. With my guard down, I'd been compromised, and I could see that now.

He was beautiful really and his love for me was as real as my love for him. Out of all of them, he was the one I could envision my life with.

"Valarie, your silence is killing me. You have been me only thought through these past weeks. As I have courted you, no other has captivated my attention. I find myself without feeling and without hope. Pray, tell me of your answer."

I was aware that he hadn't really asked me a question, but I knew what he was implying all the same. He leaned towards me and I felt true panic set in. I wasn't ready for this, I couldn't. The air was suffocating me, eating at my soul as I tried to retreat.

"I can't, I'm sorry."

His face, his pain, the hurt consumed me till all sound became unimportant and the sound of my own beating heart seemed to stop altogether.

[2019 1st Person Edition]