Chapter II

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up." – Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

Philip's side of the bed was empty when I woke the next day, in fact, it was more than empty, it was fresh and unkempt. The thought that Philip had yet again not come home at night sent fresh trails of anger through my body. Was this how married like to Philip was going to be? I hated to agree with Maya on this but since the engagement was announced Philip had changed into the cold, calculating and the uncaring person that Maya had named him to be.

Today was Saturday and despite the stress and anxiety I was feeling, I wasn't going to let the day go to waste. Three boxes lined the front hallway, filled with old possessions of mine from the last children's house I stayed in. Year's late in their arrival, I was curious as to why my belongings had been kept. Philip had been moaning about the boxes for a couple of days now so perhaps it was good that he wasn't here to witness my shift through them.

Most of it was rubbish, old toys, old writings and old pictures. It was sad to think that my childhood years packed into three boxes. There was nothing from the age of three or younger as I hadn't been pushed through the system till some when after my third birthday. It was an unhappy trip down memory lane that did nothing but remind me of how I never got my happy ever after. I was about to trash all the boxes when I stumbled across a letter that had me sitting down from shock. My hands shook as I reread the letter and disappointment struck my very core.

Dear Ms C. Greenfield,

We were delighted to hear your interest in one Valera Dore. Unfortunately, your application for the adoption of Valera has been denied. You do not fit the requirements needed for adoption and Valera Dore is tethered to an anonymous donor. Perhaps, if you are still willing, we could send you some files of other children?

Sincerely,

The Board of Adoption.

The letter was dated the year of my fourth birthday, and I was shocked to realise that there was someone out in the world who had wanted me. I was angry that I'd had the opportunity to be adopted and was denied the happy family I could envision. Was it my fault? Who was this anonymous donor anyway? I didn't think that people paid to keep children in the system anymore. Was the anonymous donor forced to care for her? Was that why she had been stuck in the system for so long? Whatever or whoever an anonymous donor was, they hadn't done anything that had positively affected her life.

Tossing the boxes aside, my outlook of the day was suddenly looking rather bleak. I clutched my woozy head in my hands and begged everything to stop. Refusing to have another blackout I willed my mental shields to make an appearance. Satisfied that my head had settled into a distant throbbing, I continued walking through the house to find food and more presentable clothes to wear for the day.

I had wanted to cook the meal I'd wanted to surprise Philip with yesterday, today but was unwilling to put the effort in if he was just going to stand me up again. Calling through to Philip's secretary at the office I enquired about his evening plans and asked how the case was progressing. The secretary – poor thing – sounded stressed and strung out but still managed to remain chirpy and professional on the phone. She told me that they'd had a breakthrough last night but were still trying to push for more information on the case. She then let slip that Philip had booked Valera's favourite Italian for dinner that night at eight.

Excited, I hung up the phone and began planning what I was going to wear later. It was such a Philip thing to book a romantic evening for the two of us and not tell me. It was how he'd planned his proposal after all. Beaming from ear-to-ear as I realized his plans for the evening, my heartbeat quickened at the romantic notion Philip was playing as he tried to make up for working so late.

I decided against texting Maya about the romantic thing Philip was doing as I knew she'd only find something at fault with the whole thing. Having slept badly the night before, I indulged in an afternoon nap to refresh for the evening to come. 

Tripping over the tree roots she begged herself to run faster.

Brambles cut into her legs and branches scratched across her face.

Fear. A deep-rooted never-ending fear engulfed her entire body.

A shout, a gunshot and a sinister cackle were heard.

So many faces but none she recognized.

A feeling of hope, love and safety.

Lies swirled around her, confusing her and making her blind.

Glass shattered...A baby cried.

Silence.

I woke suddenly and tried to grapple with the dream that was quickly evaporating. Never had I felt so confused and afraid. Never had I had a dream that felt like reality. Waking up had felt weird and had left me feeling disjointed. It felt wrong, like I shouldn't be here and like I should be back in the dream where nothing made sense, but everything felt right.

Blinking rapidly my dream left me completely and I remained to stare into nothingness for several seconds before I got my head back in the game and began dressing for my evening out. Wearing an outfit that Philip had gotten months ago, it cut a little low and was figure hugging. It wasn't something I would usually wear but Philip had loved the olive colour – among other things – and since he was treating me, I felt I should treat him in return.

All too soon it seemed that it was approaching eight in the evening and so I headed out to the restaurant. It never occurred to me that anything was out of the ordinary and that the plans I'd been told about were any different than what I had assumed.

They'd had their first date in this restaurant and many others had followed. This was where he'd rented out the whole restaurant to propose to me and the owner always had a table reserved for us. It was a family business and I always held the family in high esteem.

There was a new chap at the reservations desk, a young and spotty man. I smiled at him and said I was here to meet Philip Madden. He looked at me nervously but willingly walked me towards our usual table. As I passed the bar, I waved a Gus, the barman, cheerfully only for him to stop wiping the glass he was cleaning and gaze at her with concern and worry. Confused I wondered what was wrong but brushed it off as I walked towards my romantic evening.

In fact, I noticed that all the staff seemed a little tense around me but assumed that Philip had planned a surprise for me and that they were sworn to secrecy.

As we rounded the corner that separated the public side of the restaurant from those privately booked, my steps faltered. The young man leading me didn't notice and continued but I was stuck dead where I stood, my attention caught by the familiar man at the table and the unfamiliar woman who sat in my chair.

It had never occurred to me that Philip's late nights at work could be anything other than the truth. They were in love and everything was perfect. They were due to be married for goodness sake. Why then was he draped over this unfamiliar woman? He'd moved his chair from across the table to next to the woman and was currently placing kisses up the length of her arm.

I swallowed, feeling my throat go dry. Opening my mouth, I tried to speak but no words came out. As if she thought her heart couldn't break anymore, Philip leaned in and kissed the unfamiliar woman soundly on the lips. The floods opened and I began to cry as my world shattered completely.

How could he do this to me? We were forever. I gave him my heart and this is what he does with it? I didn't think life could hurt so much. Maya was right all along.

Somehow, I managed to walk the remaining distance to the table though I wasn't quite sure how I'd managed it. The couple didn't notice my presence or perhaps they just assumed I was the waiter.

"How long?" I asked.

The couple before me stiffened in response before Philip unwillingly separated himself from the woman to lock his eyes with mine.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Really? That's what you ask? Your secretary told me when I phoned to ask for your evening plans. Now, I'll ask you again, how long?!"

From the sudden feistiness in my voice, I realised how I'd missed the confident side of me and the side that stood up for myself. Somewhere along the way I'd lost that part of me to my relationship with Philip.

"Six months."

My heart stopped again as I struggled to comprehend what he had just said. I realised she was looking a little like a goldfish and forced myself to close my gaping mouth.

"Six months? Are you fucking kidding me? So, you don't love me then? This entire time I've thought you to be a genuine person and I should have believed my friends when they said you were a no-good scumbag."

"You don't understand, we've known each other a long time and when she came back into town we did just meet up with friends. Things just progressed from there. She's better for me than you."

I recoiled away from him as his words struck me more than a physical slap would have.

"Then why drag it out so long? Why not just end it?"

"It was Father's idea, the marriage I mean. God knows why said he wanted to keep you close to the family. I wanted to call things off but he wouldn't let me. Threatened to cut me out of my inheritance. There is no reason we can't still marry you'll be my wife and she'll be my mistress."

"You're pathetic and disgusting and I cannot believe I didn't realise what a vile person you are."

The man before me now was not the man I had first loved yet they were one in the same. It appeared that I wasn't as good a judge of character as I first thought. My heart was broken but I couldn't help but think I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

[2019 1st Person Edition]