"Do not be afraid; our fate cannot be taken from us; it is a gift." – Dante Alighieri, Inferno

I woke from the inferno of the dream world to the real world with a strange feeling hanging in my gut. Feeling dizzy as I woke was not unusual for me but feeling fear and dizziness was. I'd been having these feelings as I woke for some time now. Trying to clear my head didn't always work but I still tried as I dressed for the day. Breakfast was barely eaten as my stomach churned painfully and I was disappointed to find that my Fiancé had already left for the day.

Philip was an early riser and he liked to get the most out of his working day. Sometimes I wished he'd spend more time with me. In the last few months, Philip had become more irritable and aggressive. I'd put it down to wedding jitters because we are in love and marriage was inevitable. Brushing my red hair up into a ponytail I decided that focusing on Philip's attitude shift was not how I wanted to start the day. My head was still throbbing and so I thought a walk in the local woods might clear it.

Working as a freelance historian had its perks, the current museum I worked at didn't open on a Friday and I greatly enjoyed having a three-day weekend. I was planning to meet up with Maya later and go over some wedding plans and I hoped against hope that she wouldn't make things difficult. Maya was my best friend but neither she or Philip enjoyed each other's company which made for difficult social gatherings.

The sun was barely peeking through the trees as I walked, meaning it wouldn't create more freckles across my nose or burn my already pale skin. I had always loved walking in the woods, the call of nature, the peace and quiet and the thought of how many people had wandered the same paths as me. I had often thought that I'd been born in the wrong era. It wasn't just because I was a historian that made me think of this. I just felt out of place in the current world, like it didn't quite make sense to me and I always seemed one second behind everyone else. Perhaps it was just a longing for another way of life. I was trying to incorporate the Regency Era into my wedding as it was my favourite period to study and I frequently imagined myself living comfortably during that time.

I had been walking in the most relaxed state when it happened. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly bolts of fear ran through my body and my back tightened and then twitched. Sweat appeared in beads across my forehead, my heart pumped furiously, and it fell like all the oxygen in my body had left me. Like a stack of unstable bricks, I came tumbling down.

The seconds turned to minutes before I regained consciousness and was alarmed to find that people had crowded around me. Worried about the state of the unconscious woman, they said they had contemplated calling an ambulance but hadn't been sure. I waved off their concern and slowly stood to my feet. Though I felt like I was on fire, I assured those around me that I was perfectly fine. Every nerve in my body tingled and my mind was fuzzy and fearful.

"Are you alright Miss?"

"I'm fine really, it was just a dizzy spell."

"If you're sure."

"Quite sure but thank you for your help."

I just wanted to get away from these strange people. Yes, it had been kind of them to stop and check on me, but I was almost dying of embarrassment and the constant crowding wasn't allowing for a quick getaway.

Waving off the passers-by took considerably longer than I had first thought but soon I was on my way again. Shaking like a leaf I continued walking as normally as possible on my route back to the car and hoped I didn't have a repeat performance of what just happened.

Though the subject was one I tried to lock in the back of my mind, I'd been subjected to blackouts for the last couple of years. Despite friend's urging me to seek help or see a specialist, I'd object. Now though, the blackouts were becoming more frequent and lasting for longer periods of time. I was thankful that this had been but a small blackout, but I was full of fear of what could be causing them. Every time I regained consciousness it was to the feeling of not belonging, the feeling of being chased and the feeling of not being safe. My heart would thump in my chest till I had time to calm it and my hands would drip with sweat until I had time to wipe them.

I would have blamed the blackouts on wedding stress had they not started before I'd met Philip. At a point in my life where I should be happy, I was becoming trapped in a bit of stress and anxiety. Back in my car I drove without thought like a pre-programmed robot and walking towards the restaurant I must have looked like an emotionless zombie. These blackouts were so destructive and had caused many panic attacks to occur like the one I felt coming on now.

A tear leaked out of the corner of my eyes and my hands trembled with every step I took. What was happening to me? Should I see someone? Should I tell someone? I didn't want to burden anyone. My life consisted of my friends and Philip and I had no family to protect or love me.

Arriving before Maya afforded me several moments of calm but that was shattered when Maya, who never missed anything, arrived.

"It happened again, didn't it?"

"Please Maya, I don't want to talk about it."

"Valera! Why won't you go see someone about this? It's affecting your day-to-day life and I know it's causing you to skip sleep. As much as I dislike Philip, I know that even he has noticed your odd behaviour of late."

"It's nothing. It'll go away in time. Nothing is wrong with me! I've spent my life being different, now my life is finally becoming normal and I don't want anything to cloud that."

"Growing up in the system doesn't make you different Valera. You need to lose that chip on your shoulder."

"I never said anything about being in the system."

"I know you Valera and I know how you think."

"I love you to bits Maya but you wouldn't understand. It's always difficult growing up in the system. With every year spent getting older the desire to have a family of your own never diminishes."

I sighed, though I wasn't thinking of my childhood in the system as I spoke of my life being different, now I was thinking of it I couldn't have but feel irritated with Maya. In my experience, those who grew up with parents never understood the struggle of someone who had grown up without.

"I'm sorry. I know you hate talking about the past but I am worried about you."

"Look, let's just talk about something else. I have some wedding plans with me."

Maya groaned.

Frowning, I wondered if Maya and Philip would ever get along.

"I know you don't like him but please for me, could you be a little bit excited. You are the Maid of Honour after all."

"I just think you could do better. Philip is cold and calculating and I've seen the way he controls you. Why do you stay with someone like that?"

"You just don't know the real him. He's been stressed lately with everything at work and now with the wedding. His family have been very supportive but they have a lot of traditions and he has a lot weighing him down."

"That's not an excuse Valera. I've seen how his words have hurt you recently."

Frowning, I sighed at Maya. I'd been hoping for a normal catch up with my friend but it was turning into the same argument it always did. Philip was a wonderful, kind gentleman and I'd been stunned from the first moment he swept me off my feet. Having always found it hard to trust people, men especially, Philip had taught me how to accept people into my life and had taught me the true meaning of the word love.

Maya wasn't the only one who didn't like Philip but hers was the only opinion that mattered to me. Others had called Philip 'bad news' and had said I could do better. I hadn't listened then and I wouldn't listen now. Philip was my 'forever after' despite what anyone else said. Maya and Philip were like chalk and cheese to each other and the dislike they shared would most probably always remain.

"Look I've got to go," I said.

"Oh, please don't. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything. I just want the best for you."

I felt immediately bad for Maya.

"Don't worry about it," I told her. "It doesn't matter anyway but I do have to go. I'm not leaving because of our conversation I promise. I'll see you next week, ok?"

Walking away from Maya, my head was filled with bitter thoughts and twisted theories. I loved Maya dearly but she didn't exactly make things easy and she always poked where she knew I'd get defensive. Sometimes it just wasn't worth the effort.

If anything, when I arrived home that evening, I felt the opposite of relaxed and wondered why I bothered. The throbbing of my head had only increased as the day wore on, influenced no doubt by my continuously spiking emotions. I'd hoped to cook a romantic meal for Philip and me, but he wasn't home when I arrived. The answering machine was flashing red though and pressing it I dreaded the message I was about to hear.

"Hey babe, it's going to be another late one I'm afraid. The boss has got us working on this hard case and we need to make a breakthrough before court starts tomorrow. I know you were looking forward to a chill night in and I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow."

Sighing, I relaxed my muscles as disappointment flooded my body. Philip was a lawyer and his job demanded a lot of him. I wished, however, that he would just choose me over his job once. It wouldn't have been hard to ask for some time off either as Philip's boss was his Father and the company was a family business.

Opting for a microwavable meal, I settled down to yet another night alone and a large glass of wine to drown my sorrows in. 

[2019 1st Person Edition]