It's been over 2 years since I have written about them, at least together. Separately I know you have heard too much about them already. Lauren continues to stick her foot in her mouth and Grace continues to point it out to her. But 2 years is a long time. Too long. They are no longer the girls I wrote about more than 2 years ago. They continue to take steps forward, together and apart, further away from the little girls I once knew. And that, as wonderful as it is, makes me sad. 

When I wrote about them last I likened my two girls to my mother and her sister. I hoped that my girls would find the closeness that my mother and aunt had all their lives. They enjoyed each other's company until my mother died a few years ago. They did everything together and lived together nearly all their lives. That is not the physical life of my own daughters but I still hope they come close to what my mom and aunt had.  

I know that my parents could never give us much. But I think they made a conscious decision to give us each other (except Manny, pretty sure he was an accident, or, at least, the mailman's kid). I think it was their hope that we would not let go of each other.  And we haven't. We see each other and talk to each other all the time though we all have very separate lives. We're not just "related" like some people. We are still a family. 

As I write this the girls are now both 16 (that is another story). I don't know where the time went. Every day goes faster now. I realize if and when I tell you about them again they will both probably out of high school. I swear I just had a minor stroke thinking of that. 

Lauren and Grace

Lauren still can't sleep without the light or the TV on. She needs the noise and light to sleep. We moved recently and the light in her new room did not work. Instead of waiting for me to fix it (smart girl) she went and fished out some white christmas lights from the garage and hung them from the ceiling in her room. Now it's Christmas in her room year round. She still mostly watches Sponge Bob Square Pants but that is now supplemented with doses of the Lifetime Channel and, if I sit next to her, horror movies. We love to go to watch scary movies together. It's kind of a thing with us. Gracie has joined us but she doesn't like them as much as Lauren. I think Lauren likes to go watch them with me just to feel that she needs me for something. To have a reason to hold on to my arm and squeeze or hide her face in my shoulder. I love watching her squirm, finding any reason to look away from the screen. She is so cute. I look away too sometimes, though that is probably not that cute. 

Grace still cries if I raise my voice. Even when I don't raise it to her. She still stays close to me when she comes over. We like to sit together and make fun of Lauren. She likes to be near me a lot. But for the most part the girls stay together. The biggest difference in the last 2 years is that the girls have found out that the world is not always what they think it is. It can be mean and cruel. Grace has found out that boys are not always what they pretend to be. Lauren can hate everybody if she puts her mind to it. Both girls complain that people can be so fake and ugly and they don't understand why that is so. They try real hard to stay positive about everything but it isn't easy. The world pulls them in different directions. They both do well in school but it is a struggle to keep them focused. At that age there is always so much going on. They are working it out together. 

Grace has found a freedom that only comes with not having your father live with you. I can't blame anyone but me. Still, I find myself satisfied with the head on her shoulders. She is smarter than I was at that age. She contacts me all the time with questions or concerns. She has her mom, grandma, and many other sto go to. She is luckier than she knows. 

I hate it though. I am a phone call away but I should be in the next room. She should be able to walk over to my room and find me. I should be able to take a few steps and see her smile whenever I want to. I will always feel guilty about that. That will always be my greatest regret.

Both girls enjoy life. They went from Jr. High to High School without any major issues. They both are in full "boy mode" now. Lauren says she wants to marry a black man and make caramel babies. She is terribly in love with some black actor with blue eyes. She follows him on twitter and will point out to everyone that "he follows me too (sigh)". Her friends kid her that if a black man with a fajita botana platter walked by her she would follow him any where. I believe it. Botana platter? Hell, I would follow him any where. Of course I would whack him over the head and take the botana platter after a short time.

Lauren can still sing my songs. When she was little I made 3 cds with all of my all time favorite 70's songs. Lauren was just a few years old when I would play them in the car everywhere we went. She loved them. She would sit in her car seat and sing all the songs. She knows all the words to the songs Escape (the Pina Colada song), Seasons in the Sun, and her all time favorite,- the Ooga Chaka song (Hooked on a Feeling). She was recently very embarrassed to find out what the "afternoon delight" was in the Afternoon Delight song. It was so great listening to her sing those songs for years. I lost those cds and have not replaced them. She often asks me for those cds and will always happily point out one of the songs when it comes out on the radio. That makes my day. 

We all laugh at each other. When I feel like it I can open the door to the room and just announce "say hello to my little friend" and throw anything I want in the room. Both girls scream like if I threw a grenade in there. It could be a small piece of paper or even nothing but they still freak out. Lauren jumps up and down and screams and looks like she is having a seizure and Grace screams and then just goes into a fetal position and finds a "happy place" in her mind. It's hilarious. When Grace was little she used to sleep with both her eyes half open and it would freak me and Lauren out. She still does it and it still freaks us out. Lauren can't sleep without a fort of about 10 pillows around her. I think it's to protect her from the fake plastic cockroach that I have tortured her with for the last 2 years. 

As I write this Lauren is in the kitchen looking for something to eat. In her room I can hear an endless marathon "Full House" episodes wearing away the years. It makes me think that she is still a little kid at heart, though, to be honest, I know she now watches it only because "Jesse is so damn hot". As she leaves the kitchen she passes by me singing "my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours...". She does that just to piss me off. I pretend not to hear her.

I picture Grace at her mom's house. She most certainly is on the phone texting with her boyfriend. That is okay. Because she is also messaging me telling me that she loved me today. We message a lot. But more important than that, her and Lauren talk a lot. Especially when they need each other. They draw from each other's different experiences. The other day Lauren told me to get in touch with Grace and tell her to call her. Grace does not have a phone right now and Lauren does not have a Facebook (long story). I messaged Grace through FB and she told me not to worry about it. "Boy problems", she said. She said she nipped it in the bud. I love how they look out after each other. 

When Grace is not with me she is always on my mind. I have to force myself not to contact her every hour of the day. 

Both Grace and Lauren are beautiful young ladies now. Grace's big brown eyes melt every boy that looks at her. She knows it too. She has beautiful brown hair that she sometimes colors red. Lauren has beautiful eyes that she describes as "brownish, greenish, or bluish, depending on what I'm wearing". I don't know what they are. I like to call them "almost hazelish". But they are gorgeous. Lauren has been very active in her school with color guard and choir and Grace is in orchestra in her school. Lauren has had a lot of trouble with her asthma. It's been a rough 2 years with it and she has missed a lot of school. Grace couldn't get sick if she tried though she has developed a touch asthma. Though I honestly think she did that just so Lauren wouldn't feel alone. They are both working through the years that are some of the toughest. These years are full of stress and anxiety. I think they are handling it well.

I worry about my girls every day. I wonder if they will find someone kind and deserving of them. Not someone like me. Someone better. Someone who doesn't treat women the way I sometimes did. Someone who puts them first. Preferably, someone I won't have to kill some day. I joke about this but us dads think about this a lot. We wonder what we would do if someone hurts one of our kids. It's natural to think about it. I don't know if it's natural to already have the bone dissolving chemicals in your garage or have a map with emergency shallow graves already dug, but hey, that's just me. We dads have a network of dads who think the same. It's kind of a group. No, a club.  Okay it's really just a gang. It's a gang, of thugs. We have special handshakes and everything. Once the word goes out that some punk messed with someone's daughter the rules of engagement change. All bets are off. We all become Liam Neeson in the movie "Taken". We will find you. We will kill you. 

There is no magic formula for being a dad. I have seen men do everything right and still fail. If you are not scared when you are a dad then you are doing it wrong. It is the scariest thing in the world. As a cop I had guns and knives pulled on me many times. I broke down doors not knowing what was waiting on the other side. A couple of different gangs have put hits on my life. Put all those times together and they don't amount to the fear of not raising your children well. Of not being there for them. Of not doing the right thing. No matter what else happens to me I know that if I get this one thing right few other things will really matter. 

Sometimes, I want to go back in time and be with my little girls. I would give the world and a half to walk down the beach at South Padre Island holding their little hands just one more time. To stand in the surf and feel the sand move beneath our feet. Sit with them and dig holes and watch the holes fill and empty with the ebb and flow of the ocean. I want to dance and jump around with our hair wet, the sun on our shoulders, and the taste of salt water in our mouth. God I would love that. I want to hold them like the days when all they knew was me. When I could solve every problem with a hug and a kiss. I crave that like nothing else in this world. 

But I have learned a secret or two while living this unintentional life of mine. And if you ever pay attention to anything I write pay attention to this. Though I want to go back in time and see my little girls again, that is not love. That is just selfishness. Love, real love, is seeing them without time. Understanding that I love them yesterday, today, and tomorrow all at the same time. Every moment from the day they opened their eyes to the day I close mine is already filled by them. Once you understand that you lacked for nothing in your life the moment they came into it, - that is love. God, if you don't have that then please go look for it! You only have to find it once in your life for your life to be worth both the living and the dying. 

I realize it's still very early for them. There are many roads in their path and they have a lot of choices to make in the next few years. Wherever their life takes them I hope they recognize the gift of doing it together, because it is indeed a gift. And fewer and fewer sisters open it.