Roman hummed a quiet tune to fill the silence around him. A single bulb to his left was the only source of illumination on an otherwise vacant first floor. A few night owls still awake, despite the time nearing one o'clock, could be heard shuffling around upstairs.

Steam from the running faucet caused pleasant warmth to settle across the lower half of his face. He was in the process of washing one last dish before turning in for the night.

Jensen had been dozing throughout a late comedy special. He ended up conking out on Roman's shoulder, only being noticed when he stopped reacting to funny jokes. With William's help, Jensen was carried and tucked into bed so he could sleep in peace.

Once the show was over, people started heading to the rooms to relax in private.

Day after day of constant partying started to become tiring. Having a moment alone to wind down was heavenly. It helped give a necessary recharge for whatever antics they were going to get up to within the coming hours. Even if he was just washing dishes, Roman appreciated the overall peaceful silence.

"Ro?"

He looked over his shoulder while turning off the tap and reaching for something to dry his soaked hands with. "Pher? What's up? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. You've been down here for a little bit. I just wanted to make sure you were good."

"Oh- yeah, I'm fine. I was about to head up, actually."

Roman flicked off the light above the sink. A hand was kept in front of him to make sure he wouldn't bump into any counter edges when moving throughout the kitchen. He let Christopher lead him by the wrist up the wide stairs. Their path was illuminated by the dim glow of the second floor nightlights.

"You going straight to sleep?" Christopher asked, stopping at the hallway's diverging point.

Roman shook his head. "I had planned on getting a few chapters in before going to bed. Why?"

Christopher didn't answer. Instead, something was fished out of his pants' pocket and pressed into Roman's palm. The object was thin and moldable. Flimsy packaging was square-shaped, while the hidden contents had a more circular feel.

Roman's mouth went dry at the realization. "Did- did you just give me a condom?"

"Yeah. Use it wisely."

"What-" He glanced down the hall toward his room, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper. "What is your obsession with giving these to us? We haven't even done anything yet."

"Well, to be honest, I did it the first time because it was funny. This time, though, I just figured. It's good to be prepared."

"Prepared for what exactly?"

Christopher's expression went from teasing to unimpressed. "I have eyes, Ro. I can tell by the way he looks at you. The way you look at him. How he's been getting a little testy whenever someone walks in when you guys are alone. It's not exactly surprising to imagine you guys wanting to...get a little more cozy with each other."

Roman spared another glance at the closed door leading to the master bedroom. The contraceptive in his grasp felt ten times heavier than it did before.

Roman couldn't deny the truth in Christopher's words. Even though he tried to hide his emotions, Jensen was getting increasingly more frustrated whenever their little moments alone got interrupted. Stolen fond caresses weren't enough to satiate a growing appetite for more physical contact. Cuddling under a blanket during movies could only do so much. Holding hands beneath the dining table while surrounded by their friends filled the two with longing. Trading kisses and heated looks beneath the light of the moon left them both wanting more. Climbing into one another's laps to savor the feeling of their bodies against each other-

Oh, Roman severely underestimated his desire to test the waters with Jensen.

It...had only been a little over a month since they shared that first kiss. Since Roman took Jensen's first kiss. Yeah, they found each other enticingly attractive - that was obvious. Roman just thought it would've taken way longer for him to consider pushing past one of the boundaries he set.

Sex was important to him. He'd never been one to entertain temporary or meaningless flings. Falling into bed with someone meant more than a simple release. Putting enough trust in someone to undress him stripped Roman to the barest degree in more ways than one. Choosing to engage in relations was one of the ways he allowed his most private, vulnerable, honest self to be revealed. It was also an opportunity to give the person receiving his affections a chance to prove why they could, and should, be trusted.

After what happened with his last romantic relationship - after getting hurt by the one person he hoped would stay - Roman was fearful of taking that leap again. He didn't know how long it would take for him to be ready to try with Jensen.

But...Roman had been getting curious about having a small taste. There just hadn't been an appropriate time for him to bring anything up. Especially since the last couple of days had been a lot for Jensen personally.

If Christopher was right, though...

If Jensen was showing signs of wanting to move things along, to the point where other people noticed, it would be best for them to talk.

"...You sure you're not just trying to be our wingman?"

Christopher chuckled. "Hey, you guys made your little arrangements all on your own. I'm just giving you a nudge in the direction I know you both want to take."

Roman shielded a portion of his face behind his sleeve, looking to the side. "I don't want it to seem like I'm pressuring him. Or risk making him uncomfortable. Jay- he's...important to me. Very important."

"I know. But you need to understand that him taking the time to pursue you, even if it's in private, is a really big thing. Jay's willingly taking the gamble of trusting you with his heart. Something he's never done with anyone before. Give yourself some credit. I'm sure he wants to experiment with you as much as you want to do the same."

Roman thought back to what happened after the date at Aurelio's. He reminisced about the way Jensen's timidity melted with each kiss they shared. How his passion fueled a newfound courage to explore Roman's body in a way he never had before.

Jensen was the one who stopped them from going too far. His reluctance in pulling away said more than words ever could.

The intensity of his kiss proved how he'd wanted Roman for months. It was possible Jensen had entertained the idea of having sex for a similar amount of time. He alluded to it himself: whenever, if ever, they decided to go down that route, he would be ready. Yet Jensen chose to take things slow for Roman's sake.

Maybe, subconsciously, the weight of Jensen still being a virgin was blinding Roman of any telling advancements which had been directed at him.

He'd...need to think about it.

"If you do try something, just try to keep it down. Your bathroom shares a wall with my room."

"He's sleeping. I'm not gonna wake him for that. Besides, there's- we're not the only ones still awake, you know."

"Hasn't stopped me and Isoo." With a smug grin on his face, Christopher started walking down the hall to his room. "Goodnight, Ro."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Roman offered a quiet goodnight as well. The condom was slid into his pocket for safekeeping.

He entered his shared bedroom with a sigh. The door was closed as quietly as possible to not wake anyone.

It didn't matter, though, because Jensen was already sitting up in bed and staring out of the window.

Roman crawled beside him, running a firm hand along his back. "Hey. You okay?"

"...Nightmares again."

"You want to talk about it?"

Jensen lowered his gaze so their eyes could meet. Without saying a single word, he cupped Roman's cheek and leaned forward. Their lips met for a single, meaningful kiss.

It was something Jensen needed to cement the fact that he was awake, no longer trapped in a terrifying dream.

Together, they laid back against the pillows for a necessary cuddle session. Their fingers interlaced together in a habitual handhold. Jensen pressed his nose into Roman's hair to take an indulgent inhale of his strawberry-scented shampoo.

The warmth on Jensen's palm, the sweet fragrance in his nose, the solid weight lying on his chest - they were all points of contact which helped in grounding him.

"I'm here. It's okay. You can tell me whatever you want. I'll listen."

Jensen let his fingers absentmindedly run through ginger strands. "...You know, my dad gave me my mom's last name as a way for me to always have a part of her. It was his way of reminding me that she would always be with me. In some shape or form."

Roman traced the area above Jensen's heart, silently urging him to continue.

"I- I'm not used to it. Talking about...them. With anyone. The others know a little bit. They know how I feel to an extent. But I've never been super open because..."

"It's been too much?"

"They don't get it," he clarified. "They all have great relationships with their families. The only ones who have dealt with some form of separation are Iseul and Minjun because their folks are divorced. But they've always gotten along really well, and their step parents are friends, so they never had to grow up in a strained household. They've never known what it's like to..."

"To wish life had turned out different," Roman finished, a greater understanding dawning upon him. "Is that why you're not as scared about being honest with me? Because I know what it's like?"

"...It's as relieving as it is heartbreaking. I appreciate it, and I hate it. Having the knowledge that you've felt a similar pain to mine, even though both of your parents are still alive. Is that weird?"

Roman didn't think so.

He had the same contradictory thoughts about Jensen: being grateful someone understood, and loathing it as well.

Roman came to realize Jensen really did experience a lot of the same burdening struggles in his day to day life. A convincing smile and bright personality did wonders to hide the dark smudges staining a picture-perfect image he tried to uphold.

"It's not weird at all. I get it."

Jensen's lips tightened. He glanced between bright blue eyes with a small, forced smile. "You know, I had this misplaced anger for so long. I was angry for never getting to meet my mom. I was angry at my dad for not fighting harder to stay with me. I was angry at my grandma for trying to fill the role she wasn't supposed to have. For a long time, I was just. So. Angry."

Jensen's voice was steady. A neutral tone shielded any distressing emotions he was attempting to ignore.

Roman's thumb offered a single, gentle caress.

His gesture acted as a silent reminder that Jensen needn't hold anything back while they were alone.

A quivering bottom lip revealed his quaking resolve.

"When I got older, I realized my anger stemmed from a need to put blame on everyone for a cruel life they'd never wanted me to have.

"My mom fought so hard to get me into this world. My dad did everything he could to stick by my side for as long as he did. My grandma tried to pick up all the broken pieces to help me get past my greatest trauma. I just- there was only so much that could be done. There was only so much strength a person could have before they couldn't carry everything anymore. Before things fell apart."

While his last statement was vague, considering how he was as a person, Roman caught wind of an underlying meaning.

"You were trying to blame everyone else so you wouldn't have to acknowledge how much you secretly blamed yourself."

"...Had it not been for me, my mom would still be alive. Had it not been for my father focusing so much on taking care of me, he wouldn't have neglected his own health for so long. We could've caught his sickness much sooner- maybe to the point of saving him. But he constantly put me before everything else. How could I possibly not feel guilty when it was my fault they died?"

Roman...didn't know what to say. Easing a moment of distress wasn't in the same ballpark as erasing survivor's guilt.

Still, he would do his best to try.

"I've always blamed myself for being the reason my dad abandoned me and my mom."

Jensen froze. He pulled back to look at Roman in complete horror.

His expression remained passive as he explained, "My mom and dad were high school sweethearts. They were together for a few years before getting married. But the stresses of adulthood made them argue. A lot. My dad had a hard time finding the job he wanted. My mom wanted to live in a different country so she could go to a good college. A lot of the things they wanted personally made them clash all the time. Apparently, leading up to their breakup, they fought constantly.

"When my mom found out she was pregnant with me, she thought he would've been happy. They'd talked about having kids in the future before, so she thought he would've been excited to start a family. He wasn't. He started making strides in his career, and he didn't want to throw everything away for a kid he wasn't prepared to have. So, he left."

A pang of cold stabbed Roman in the chest.

While he hated Rachel for everything she put him through, he still had enough warped sympathy in him to feel sorry for what Jack put her through.

"She was so hurt by my dad, the only way she could process things was to take it out on me."

***

"Get out of my sight!"

"Whenever I look at you, I see his damned face!"

"Stop that! Stop cowering away from me like I'm the one who did something wrong! You can tell me, 'I love you, mommy' as much as you want- I know you're lying! Your father didn't mean it- why would you?!"

***

"That's why she made me cut contact with everyone as a child. She tried to make me feel as lonely as she was."

***

"You were supposed to make him stay. You were supposed to fix our problems. It was your fault everything ended! I'm alone because of you- it's only fair for you to go through the torture you forced onto me!"

***

"The only person who felt bad enough to keep tabs on my mom was Kay. She did so to check up on me too, even if I couldn't speak to her myself. That was also how I was able to know so much about my extended family, along with having a way to reach them when my mom kicked me out for dropping out of college."

***

"Little bastard actually managed to graduate with a full ride, if you can believe that. Yeah, the ceremony is tomorrow. Of course I'm going. I can't miss out on those pictures of him with the cheque. I heard the mayor will be there. They'll plaster that shit all over the news- my girlfriends will be so jealous."

"Yeah, he's going into nursing. The pay is going to be insane- I'm so lucky. What did you say Jessenia wanted to do again when she graduates? Huh? Right- it's Dorian now. Nice name, not gonna lie. What did you say? Dorian wants to go for art school? We'll see how much money he makes from that."

"Really, Kay, you're getting another new phone but are keeping the same number after fifteen years? Upgrade a little bit. I mean, yeah, changing it can be a hassle and all- and- oh? Yeah, I guess it would be simpler in the long run. Keeping it the same can be less stressful, I guess. Makes it easier for the little ones when they go to school. Never know when an emergency will come up."

***

"She constantly told me how it was my fault her life fell apart. And for so long, I believed her. Part of me still does. When we learned my dad had a different family with a different woman, I just couldn't understand what I did to make him leave."

Jensen shook his head, disagreeing. "Your father abandoning you wasn't your fault."

"And your parents passing away wasn't yours. Sometimes, life just fucks you over. It's hard, but you learn to live with that pain after a while. You learn to move on. There's no timestamp for how long it's supposed to take to process grief. You just need to remember that you will get past it one day. Even if the past keeps trying to tell you that you won't."

They both needed to stay hopeful. Jensen and Roman had their own specific issues to worry about, but they needed to believe in there being a light at the end of the tunnel. In order to thrive in a healthy way, no matter how uncomfortable the necessary changes would be, in time, they had to remember they would heal.

"Just because you've been led down a rocky path doesn't mean the future won't be better. I've- I've learned that from you, Jay. Being with you- it's teaching me how much life can change. How life can be good."

Jensen's lips parted in astonishment. "I...yeah. Yeah, I made the right choice. In trusting you."

"And you're slowly proving to me why I think I'll be able to put mine in you soon. Fully."

Jensen melted at the genuine confession, tears pooling in his eyes. He shifted them over until he could pull Roman on top of him. Either side of his face was cradled in a delicate hold. A soft gasp rang out right before Jensen pressed their mouths together for another kiss.

He funneled his unspoken emotions through their sealed lips. All of his grief, fear, doubt, and resignation; all of his hope, desire, gratitude, and reassurance - Roman could feel everything.

For a moment, time felt like it froze.

Roman pushed his own hidden emotions through their kiss as well. He threaded his fingers through Jensen's hair and snaked an arm around his neck.

Roman's heart thumped erratically in his chest. His eyes filled with tears. His breath caught in his throat.

Wandering hands smoothed over the length of his thighs with the clear intent of trailing a little higher.

Brushing against a certain crinkly material made Jensen pause. A single eyebrow was raised in confusion. "Um...Ro?"

"I- uh- that was-" Roman fumbled. "That was just Pher being Pher. Don't worry about it."

Jensen hummed in response. His penetrating gaze burned a hole into Roman's pocket. The corner of Jensen's mouth quirked up, pointing to him mulling something over in his head.

Rather than speak anything aloud, he wrapped his hands around Roman's hips, grip tighter than before, to guide him into another sweet kiss.