The cold air did nothing to alleviate the panic that seared Dean's mind, leaving every inch of his body shivering. He didn't really remember how he go outside, only the faint memory of falling down the stairs in an attempt to escape what he had just done to Castiel.

He didn't know where he was going, his skin turning pale with the chill of being outside in only a bare layer of clothes. Seconds turned to minutes as he walked tears freezing to his face as a car drove past, making him flinch at the dull roar.

The sky was beginning to grow lighter before he found himself close to town. The bustle of the city was still slow, but it was beginning to pick up, the traffic growing more alive as California tended to do. A taxi drove past, its light turning on as it began its rounds.

Dean shivered, his hands rubbing his arms in an attempt to keep warm. Despite the chill, his face felt hot as warm tears escaped his lids, adding to the tracks that were staining his face. A car slowed beside him, the window rolling down and revealing an elderly woman.

"Would you like a ride, sweetie?" She asked, her large eyes filled with concern as she pulled her coat tighter around her. "You'll freeze walking around in only a t-shirt."

"T-thank you." Dean whimpered, his voice quivering from tees and the cold as he moved around the front of her car, getting inside and taking a shaky breath of warmer air.

"Of course, sweetie. Where are you heading?" She asked, her voice soft and kind. Dean gave her his road, which thankfully she recognized, before falling silent, refusing to make a sound as more tears fell at the thought of Castiel.

"Oh, it's okay, sweetie. Dry those tears and tell me what's got you upset." She asked in a motherly fashion. Dean couldn't help but be reminded of Ellen, his uncle's wife that was mother figure until she passed away in a gas explosion.

"I...I hurt my b-boyfriend." Dean answered, trying to wipe away some of his tees as his lip quivered. It was no use, as more tears took their place. "I'm becoming my father, and I can't get the thought of death out of my head."

Dean stopped talking as sobs wracked his throat. His chest hurt so much, a burning that took him over and left him feeling like he was dying. He felt a comforting hand on his back, rubbing up and down in an effort to soothe him.

"Sweetie, listen. If you are abusing your boyfriend, perhaps it's for the best that you end it." The woman said, slowly hitting the brake and letting the vehicle slowly to a stop.

Dean looked at her, more tears falling. She didn't understand. Yet, one phrase echoed in his mind, dragging heavy breaths from his throat.

'End it...'

He jerked the car door open, darting out and pouring down the frosty sidewalk.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Castiel laid there for several minutes after Dean ran out, struggling to catch the breath he had lost. His throat felt hoarse and the remaints of fear still beat in his heart as he relished in the fact that he was alive, that Dean had let go when he did.

He jerked into action, grabbing his phone and calling Dean. Yet, when he heard a buzzing on his nightstand, he swore when he saw Dean's phone laying there.

Instead, he opened the contacts of Dean's phone, finding Sam and dialing it, standing up and struggling as he kept one hand on the phone as he went.

"Hello?" He heard Sam say on the other line, making him jerk a jacket on in a bit of panic.

"It's Castiel. Dean just tried to kill me in his sleep and now he's out there in the cold." Castiel said into the phone, the urgency clear in his voice as he grabbed his keys and raced out the door, looking down both of the sidewalks while chewing on his lip.

"What?!" Sam replied, his voice going a slight pitch higher. "Do you know where he went?!"

"No, I'm getting in my car to look for him." Castiel said, breaking off to give a rough cough into his sleeve. His throat burned, as if he went through a fire, and he honestly was surprised he could speak at all.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked as Castiel got into the car, starting his engine. He coughed against, his breath ragged.

"I'm fine." Castiel replied, his voice disappearing for a moment before coming back. "I'm more worried about Dean. We have to find him before something happens?"

"Okay. I'll check his house while you try the town. It'll be okay." Sam replied, the shuffling of items in the background of the call as Castiel backed out of the driveway, heading towards town. He hung up, biting his lip harshly as he scanned the sidewalk for Dean, fear nestling in his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tears dripped onto the notepad that Dean was writing on, splotching the ink scrawled on the paper. The letter to Sam and Castiel was messily scrawled and hardly legible. The sentences that could be read didn't make sense, but Dean couldn't find himself to rewrite it. The hollowness in his chest made everything numb and he sniffed as he wrote the final sentence.

'I'm so sorry....Dean.' He scribbled, the words staring up at him as he dropped the pen to the table, running through his hair and letting out a sob.

Sam dead under his hands....

He didn't want to die. He wanted to see Sam complete college, maybe even find someone and fall in love. He water to go out again with Castiel, to maybe find the one person other than his brother he could lean on. It was all for naught though, as he ruined his chance of life the moment he wrapped his fingers around Castiel's neck.

He would lose control again. He could feel it. Nobody was safe with him around. He would end it, before he killed someone he cared for.

He was a monster, and he was determined to take his demons out.

Slowly, he pushed his chair back, walking into his bedroom, as if weights dragged his feet. His body was screaming, begging for him to stop, but his mind had already made its decision as he opened the drawer to his nightstand, catching the glint of his gun.