"Can we go back to your room?" I say to Phasma.

She puts down the book that she's holding titled 'Capital Starship Engineering.' The library was the last place I thought to look for her so it took me a while to find her. Now that I'm here my stomach is in knots.

"I think I've been reading for too long," Phasma says, rubbing her eyes. "Can you repeat what you just said?"

"Can we... go back to your room?" I say again.

Phasma looks at me for a moment. "You look terrible."

"Thanks."

"Is it the girl? Are they having a hard time killing off the treemites?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

She nods. "Okay, let's go back to my room."

-----------

Phasma's room is the same size as mine and Hux's and yet somehow it seems bigger and more open. She has sheer curtains on the windows and a red blanket on her bed. Candles line her window sill and the top of her book shelf. On her night table sits a milk jar filled with water and wild flowers. I could bring Rey some flowers to brighten up her room while she's not feeling well. The image of her lying sick in bed enters my mind and I cover my face with my hands. Suddenly it's impossible to breath.

Phasma takes my hands away from my face.

"It's hard to breathe," I say.

She pulls me into a hug and I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight. I'm glad she's not saying anything to me about attachments or why I'm stupid to have one. I hold back the tears that are pushing to come forward. Rey will be fine. There's no reason to cry.

Phasma lets go of me, then reaches down and pulls my shirt up over my head. I help her remove it. I'm taller than her but she's older, like Hux. She tosses my shirt aside then rests her hands on my chest. I stiffen.

"Relax," she says. "I'm not going to lay with you." She glances down over my bare chest and stomach, then up at my eyes again. "Come lay down. You look like you could use some rest."

I follow her to the bed and sit down on the edge of it. Phasma climbs into the bed and sits down behind me, setting her hands on my shoulders. I close my eyes at her touch and she begins to massage the muscles behind my neck, working her way down my back. I moan softly.

"Do you know why I don't follow Snoke's rules?" she says. I don't respond because everything she's doing feels so good I can't talk. "Because he wants us to break them," she says.

"Hmm?" I ask.

"I figured that out a long time ago."

"But," I clear my throat. "I always get punished."

Phasma moves back up to my shoulders and then slips her hands in front of me, down my chest. I sigh.

"Those aren't punishments," she says close to my ear. "They're just for you to become tougher. But you know what?"

"Hmm?"

"You can't train to become a heartless, ruthless leader."

"You don't think I can do it?"

"I know you can do it. But it's not something you train for, it comes from inside of you. First you have to stop being so..."

"So what?" I turn to face Phasma and she let's go of me. She doesn't answer.

"So what?" I repeat. "So nice?"

Phasma smirks and I push her down onto the bed and climb on top of her.

"Ren-"

"What's wrong?" I growl. "You lay with all the other guys."

"No I don't!" Now Phasma is angry too.

"Yes you do." I clasp her hands above her head and she tries to push me off, but I'm heavier. A thrill rushes over me. Is this how Hux feels, when he holds me down and I try to push him off? I lower myself down onto her. Her body's soft and fits nicely with mine. Excitement courses through my veins as she squirms beneath me, trying to get me off.

"Stop it," Phasma says, pushing up against me. The thick taste in my mouth has returned and I don't try and stop the desire this time that builds fast. I'm done with pushing it away and ignoring this need all the time.

"Ren!" Phasma growls. "Get off!" She yells the last word and I cover her mouth with my hand, holding her still with a Force hold so she'll stop fighting me. Now she can't move.

I rise off of her slowly and let go of her mouth. Her breasts heave as she breathes heavily, trapped in my hold. She closes her eyes, looking angry but defenseless. I sit down beside her on the bed, then set my hand to her neck and slide it down the front of her shirt. I stop just above her belt and look up. Tears fall slowly down Phasma's cheeks. I take my hand away and let her go of the Force hold I have on her.

She gasps for more air and sits up quickly, scooting to the back of the bed away from me.

"Why won't you lay with me?" I yell, my heart racing. Is this the only way I'm ever going to be close to a girl, by Force holding her? Am I really that repulsive? Why is everything I need and crave so wrong and always out of my reach?

Phasma wipes at her face. "How many times have I asked you to come back to my room?" she says in anger.

She's right. She's asked lots of times and I wasn't interested.

"I didn't lay with you because you're different from the other guys," she continues. "Or I thought you were."

I get up, hating myself for making Phasma cry. I've never seen her cry before. She's the toughest girl I've ever known. My apology catches in my throat and won't come out. I grab my shirt and leave.