༻𖥸❁𖥸༺ 

Everyone has that sense of when they know something is off about themselves. About their identity and struggle on why they feel so different, feel so much like an outcast.

Being different and having feelings and emotions that tell you you are different is very hard for a person to comprehend. Especially if that person is hiding who they are and isn't getting any guidance or help for what they are going through. Meaning no help in understanding what's going on. No help in trying to understand that nothing is actually wrong with them. Wrong with me.

I didn't have any help in trying to understand what I was going through. There was no one to sit me down and have me talk out my feelings on why I felt so different from other people. I couldn't explain myself at all to anyone.

So these emotions and feelings sat inside me for many years. And it made me very depressed because I felt like I couldn't actually express who I was.

I didn't get it nor understood it at all. I was so lost and so confused on what was going on, at times, it drove me a bit nuts. Because I would try and figure it out back when I was identifying with the furry community, I even thought that furries were experiencing what I was, but turned out, they weren't. Only I was.

So what was going on exactly?

It was hard to understand what I might have been feeling when I didn't even know how to describe what I was feeling.

I was just aware of how different I was from observing other people. It was obvious to me that I was different from everyone else. That I didn't act or feel like everyone else when it came to them acting human, and me not acting so human.

I was more animalistic than everyone else, deep down with what I felt. But it was my inner wolf that was driving me to behave in this manner more and more. The wolf was very upset I wouldn't tap into that side of me more. I was too scared, afraid of what people would think of me.

I didn't know how to accept my feelings, thus I was too shy to accept what I had learned. I was able to conceal it, but to accept it?

I had never walked that bridge before, and each time I thought I could, I would hesitate to do so. Primarily because I was unsure of how to initiate the process.

I couldn't get my paw to move no matter what I did or how badly I wanted to. In my mind, I knew how I wanted to behave, but I would freeze when I tried to put it into actions.

I simply felt too self-conscious or ashamed of my inner wolf. I felt strange acting out when no one else was doing the same thing because no one around me acts like me.

Because that was the norm, I felt compelled to simply be human. I did it because everyone else simply acts human, but it also left me in a really bad situation. I felt terrible about concealing who I really was. Although the wolf inside of me was furious, it understood why I had suppressed it for so long. It recognized my emotions and sensations as well as my apprehensions about accepting who I am for fear of social rejection. Losing everyone and everything for my true self.

It was a sacrifice that I made for myself. To "blend in" even though it's not what I wanted for myself. It's not who I was meant to be.

But even with having the knowledge of this, I still suppressed my emotions and feelings. I did it to hide myself from the cruelty of the world.

But how long did I hide these feelings or even started to realize I was different from my peers?

I have experienced these feelings and a sense of being unique since I was six years old. As I grew older, it matured with me.

I grew to understand the complexity of the world and its cruel nature. I became more aware of how terrible people were around me when I was fifteen, even for unrelated reasons. Children teased children for a variety of reasons, which made me feel very self-conscious. As a result, I never really did anything to influence people's opinions about me.

Some would still make an effort, but I never truly understood what that viewpoint was because I didn't care to pay attention to them and they were aware of it.

However, it wasn't until I was about seventeen years old that I realized I was starting to feel my inner wolf again. When I was attempting to fit in with the furry community, I started to realize how different I was from everyone else within that community, but I was attempting to assign a name to some of the experiences I was having. Just to say I had a label even though I knew being a furry wasn't something that was me.

With this and it maturing with me, I also realized others around me and observed them from afar. I began to take note that I was far different from most people. That my feelings and emotions that I was feeling began to turn negative. I knew I couldn't express these feelings to some degree.

Regretfully, I was going through a really difficult time in my life. In addition to becoming quite reluctant and melancholy, I would frequently hide in my room and hardly ever leave it to interact with others.

Many of my depression happened because of my identity crisis, but the other was mainly because of my parents being too controlling and strict, feeling a bit trapped under the roof that's meant to feel safe.

I was safe, but it just didn't feel right. There was always tension in the air with my parents and this energy, over time, made me become depressed.

My parents never understood why I was so depressed or all of a sudden changed. I will never tell them the actual reasons because they won't believe they are the main cause as to why I fell into my depression, but the other was because I never could express my feelings...

...To anyone.

I felt these animalistic urges almost on a daily basis and I couldn't be confined into anyone about what I was feeling.

I just didn't trust anyone because I had my trust broken by people who I tried to confide in about what I was going through. This only resulted in being lied to, having my heart broken, and being left alone in the world.

So with knowing all about this negativity, I did my best to just hide my true feelings about myself. It was easier to fake a persona than it was to express who I was and be told hurtful things by people you don't think would ever hurt you.

But as I've been maturing, I am beginning to understand that I shouldn't care who leaves me, if they leave me, it just simply means they weren't meant to be in my life to begin with.

If people can't fully accept all of me, then they don't deserve to have me at all.

I can't just pick myself and hand over what that person wants and discard the rest. Unfortunately that's not how that works.

But as I began to come to terms with my self-discovery, I began to break down the wall around my wolf.

I began to slowly, but surely, allow my wolf to show more and more and be less and less scared of expressing myself.

And in doing so, I ended up finding a mate who doesn't seem bothered by who I am, or what I am.

In fact, he seemed rather curious and eager to learn more. He wants to learn more about it because he wants to know more about me, but he doesn't want to do it or be what I am. Which is totally acceptable with me because I'm not going to force him into something he doesn't want to personally be a part of.

He will inquire about my therian status whenever he has the opportunity because I don't discuss it much. I'm thrilled that he wants to learn more about me, my identity, and the reasons behind my actions.

I'm just happy to know he wants to know everything about me and loves me just the way I am. He's helping me express my inner wolf and be less scared to be who I am. Who I truly am.

It's truly a wonderful thing to know about myself. That I have the strength in me to overcome my fears and express my feelings and emotions even though I feel so different from others.

But different can be a good thing, if done in a positive healthy way of thinking. And I've been training my mind to start thinking more positively about things and see the good in everything in my life.

It's been challenging, but I am beginning to feel happier and more confident with myself. And in the end, I couldn't be more proud or happier with myself.

I am proud that I have been beginning to express my true self. My true self as a wolf.