༻𖥸❁𖥸༺ 

Feeling something that wasn't physically there is something I couldn't explain for the longest time. I struggled to understand what I was experiencing, and I couldn't grasp what was going on with me.

For me, it often felt like I had certain body parts that weren't actually there, or I could sense that a body part was changing. I had no idea how to label or explain what I was feeling or going through. These experiences drove me to frustration as I tried to figure them out. At times, I felt confused and even cried because I couldn't find answers to my emotions. 

The worst part? Sometimes I would get headaches when these sensations occurred. Even now, as an adult, I still experience headaches after recognizing what I was feeling and what was happening to me. Back then, I was completely in the dark. I felt as if I had a tail when I knew I didn't, or that my hands would transform into paws, even though they didn't actually change. At times, it felt like I had ears on the top of my head that shifted in response to any sound, both loud and soft. 

Everything I experienced had one common factor: these sensations never truly existed. So, what was I feeling? Was I losing my mind? Why was I sensing things that weren't actually there? Was it all just in my head? And why did these strange feelings often come with headaches? 

I had so many questions, and for years, they remained unanswered. That changed when I discovered the Therian community. It was then that everything started to make sense. The feelings I was experiencing were called "shifts," and I was fortunate enough to have an active awareness of when these shifts would occur.

For the most part, I never knew when the Shifts would happen. They would just occur spontaneously, especially during a time when I didn't understand what I was going through. 

As I grew older, I began to recognize what might trigger these Shifts. When I felt happy or excited about something, it felt as if I could wag my tail or put my ears down against my head and whine with joy. Conversely, if I was really sad, I felt the urge to tuck my tail between my legs and flatten my ears while whimpering in sadness. 

Through this experience, I realized that my emotions—whatever they might be—tend to bring on my Shifts. Sometimes, they would come on unexpectedly, and I wouldn't have a clear reason for these feelings. But generally, emotions are the primary trigger for my Shifts. 

I also discovered that being with someone I loved could bring on these Shifts. I would find myself whining or, slightly embarrassingly, wagging my butt as a way of expressing happiness toward them. However, this behavior often made the people I dated uncomfortable. Consequently, I tried to suppress this part of myself when I felt the Shifts coming on. 

This saddened me because it felt like I couldn't truly be myself around my partner, and that's something you're supposed to feel comfortable doing anything and everything with someone you love. You shouldn't have to suppress an emotion or even part of an identity. 

Something I learned, and was a hard lesson to learn, if someone doesn't like ALL of you, they are NOT someone you should stay with. If someone is CHOOSING to PICK what they like about you that's very wrong.

I can understand why they felt uncomfortable, but telling me I can't act like that or do that action again is something that is damaging to a relationship. And I had to learn it the hard way.

I had to accept the fact that these people never loved me, for me. They only liked me when I acted like a "normal" person, otherwise they weren't comfortable around me and at times would make faces at me which promoted me to stop and just shut down.