Aditya slumped down the wall, he couldn't seem to just forget and forget was all he wanted to do, he envied Zoya she had forgotten him and therefore it wasn't like she had lost anything, but he woke up daily to memories of the loss he had bared. If he clenched his hands tight enough he could still feel her skin on his, her touch as she softly caressed his face when she kissed him, and her kisses were always so easy to lose himself in, he wasn't one to bare himself to a god and admit his sins, but infront of her he was on his knees begging her to heal him, purify his soul and bring him forth from hell and redeem him.

No, no he wasn't a good man. He was a bad man who did things he believed in, things that made the world around him shatter and all of his life he was embedded in darkness but when she looked at him, oh when she looked at him he felt like he was capable of good. His touch had always been so harsh; hands only capable for pain but when he was touching her, all he gave was pleasure. He couldn't get the image out of his mind, she was smiling at him, laughing because of him, her sweet voice calming all of his demons, an unwavering belief in her eyes that would not falter.

He had pushed her away on purpose, it was despicable but she was far too good for him, all these pesky feelings got in the way because every bad word he threw at her, he stabbed himself with ten more. It was an intoxicating rush, she would not back down, she would fight him on every word and all he wanted was her to keep fighting for him, he needed her to win. He wasn't meant to be a part of the fight but every so often when he gazed over the field he saw himself stood opposite her, words of war like a revolver in his hand and they were so good at playing Russian roulette.

They liked to live on the edge, walking atop the blade and waiting for a bullet to release but that was the thrill of it, she wasn't meant to actually get hurt, wasn't meant to leave, his Zoya wasn't meant to die. She had given him the most precious gift, a child to call his own yet he couldn't handle her goodness, she believed in his worth and his ability to father a child, he would let her down and she would leave. He had really thought she would pick him, selfishly he worried about sharing her love, he was needy and didn't want to be up against a child.

Aditya would have cared for the child, a part of him already did, but he couldn't risk losing all he had gained for someone who called him dad, it wasn't a label meant for him but this time she didn't understand, she always understood, this time she had picked someone else and as always Aditya Hooda was never number one.

That was why he called her his rose, he was fully in his rights to look at her from afar, gaze at her beauty and dream of her, but he wasn't meant to have her. As Esmerleda had said, roses weren't for men like him, he could ruin and destroy he could not help her grow, roses were meant to be appreciated, loved for their petals and adored for their thorns, yet his grip had been so tight that petals brushed his skin and thorns dug within her, what a monster he was, he had managed to make her cut herself and all of it had been for him.

If this was love, he wanted none of it but he still craved the pain. The pain was the only reminder that he had ever had her, it was hard to breathe as he recalled how she would sit beside him and read her books, she would not complain when he refused to read them back to her, instead she'd settle beside him and continue without any complaints. He supposed that was why he had tried so hard to read books when he had first met her, she didn't deserve a man who was semi-literate, but every story he had ever heard was imprinted in memory for he couldn't read them without struggling. He was an uneducated man with the ability to do many things, he could write but could not read, she seemed to be the only story worth telling though.

Zoya Siddiqui deserved better than a man like Aditya Hooda, that was the truth his mother had so many times tried to tell him, yet he remained selfish and chased her even when she said no, he had tore her down, ripped her apart so she would love him. She claimed she saw a goodness within him, but with a soul as black as his where exactly had she found the light? He remembered how fondly she spoke of Dr Rowlan, without him she never would have became the woman she was back then, five years without his influence and she was somebody else. Maybe it was for the best, she was a woman untainted by him and that had to count for something.

[~~~]

"You forgot the drawing" Aditya placed it on the table, he hadn't expected a response from her but it still hurt when she didn't look up at him, instead she stopped the recording in her office and continued writing notes. Huffing he walked around the table and lifted her chair, carrying it to the wall he held her high up "You don't have to talk but you do have to listen"

Zoya looked down, her face now as white as a ghost, fingers curling around his upper arms "I hate heights, please just put me down" as soon as she kicked her legs the chair shook and she squealed, nails digging into his skin "Mr Hooda"

"Calm down, let me speak and I will put you down" his eyes flickered to her hands on his arms then back to her face

"How do I know you won't drop me if I say something you don't like"?

"You have my word"

"Your word, not really something i'd bet my life on but go on" she pulled her hands back and rested them on her lap but her heart still raced

"What I said to you earlier wasn't okay, I understand now that I can't expect you to be the woman I need you to be, see my wife she had Dr Rowlan as a major influence, he made her who she is and you haven't had him, I keep seeing you as my wife, then when you act differently I don't react well" his biceps flexed as he gripped the chair with more force, ramming it further into the wall "I've come to ask for just one last favour, just so I can say goodbye properly"

Zoya frowned when she saw the tears in his eyes "What do you mean say goodbye properly, where are you going"?

"Back to isolation" dropping the chair he wrapped an arm around her waist and twisted to put her back on the ground "You know I hated hugs, then she came along and well, let's just say I don't hate them anymore" he chuckled, coal black hair falling from it's place on his head "Just don't push me away" pulling her small body into his hold he closed his eyes, savouring her scent and how it felt to have her close once again, he tried not to mind that she kept her arms by her side "You are perfect, don't let someone like me make you feel differently" dropping his hands he stepped back. There was never going to be a perfect goodbye, but now atleast she would be free from him. He recalled how she had asked him to never forget her and in that very moment he knew he never would

"You know, no one deserves to be alone when they're sad"

"I'm not sad"

She smiled "Well you aren't happy" stepping closer she leant back to grab a form "Sit down please" sitting across from him she waited for him to sit down "Part of my role here with you is to work out the parameters in which you and I will work, if in the next few minutes everything I say is of no interest to you then you can go back to isolation, how does that sound"? She knew that this had to be his decision or he would just shut down again

When he didn't move away she looked up at him "I'm going to be making some notes, I hope that's okay" writing his name on the top of the form she sat back "You've been in and out of psychiatric hospitals so I know you know how this works, you haven't been diagnosed with any real mental health issue until your wife died previous diagnoses are in my eyes wrong, so i'm sure you're tired of people getting it wrong, which is why I think that maybe instead of pushing my views on you I allow you to have the control, like patient controlled therapy, it isn't ever really used but if you get to decide what we do, what we don't and what we discuss then you may get more out of our sessions" clicking her pen shut she placed it down "Obviously there are somethings you cannot do, first of all your comments and your touching is inappropriate but you have a lot of anger within you which I feel medication can help with but cannot get rid of, so i've put something together, have a look and if it suits you we can start, if you hate it I won't bother you again"

Zoya stood up "Okay, so number one is childhood, if you agree tick it, if not cross, second is your passions, third is what you want and what you need from therapy or from life, next is burdens that you feel are on your shoulders then what you like and what you don't, what you believe in, what would you like to change and what was the others"? Leaning over his shoulder she pulled it closer, her hair tickling his cheek "Your story, you know what would you tell the future generation about you and then your hopes and dreams, I left three empty spaces because I figured you would have things to add, now I know you struggle with reading"

Aditya looked up at her "No, I-"

"It's nothing to be embarassed about but if you want, maybe once a week I could teach you, we all struggle with something" kneeling down she gripped the table "I just want you to know im not giving up on you, so now the decision is in your hands" she really wanted him to agree, she knew she could help him if he just accepted "And to sweeten the deal just a little, here" she placed a video on the table "Charlie Chaplin, it said in your files you liked him so I thought maybe for one session we could just watch it together, just us"

"As nice as all of this is, i'm not interested" he stood up

"Wait, wait" she stepped out infront of him and spread her arms out across the door "What is it gonna take to make you stay, i'm really trying here, you know if you walk out of here i'll be kicked out of this asylum"

"Dr Rowlan won't let that happen to you, nice try" he simpered "Move out the way or I will move you myself"

"Please don't do this to me, you're my only chance at getting the job I want"

"So you're using me" he raised a brow

"No, no I would never do that to you, it's just" she gritted her teeth "Uh, have we um, had this conversation before, didn't you say you don't usually like being used but when it was me doing it you're enjoying the ride or something"? Shaking herself from her thoughts Zoya exhaled "Please Mr Hooda"

"You remember" he stepped closer "Is that the only thing you remember"?

"Um, I think I, wait, what do you mean I remember, so we've met before, when"?

"I already told you, you're my-"

"No, don't try that with me, men like you don't look at women like me" she warned holding a finger up "And anyway, my meds made me forget things, I haven't lost my memory"

"Is that what you've been told"? He guffawed "Oh come on Zoya, look at the facts, you cannot hide from them forever, you can't hide from me"

"I believe it's you hiding from me" she crossed her arms angrily "I'm not in the mood for hide and seek so can you just be a good patient and agree to work with me"?

"Since you asked so nicely" he grinned "No"

"Urgh, you are insufferable" she yelped when he lifted her up then put her down behind him, grabbing his hand she shook her head "No, i'm not finished, I said no"

"And I said yes"

Her eyes narrowed "You owe me one, after hurting me"

"Really, you're gonna play that card"?

"I'm gonna play any card that makes you stay, I said no and you have to listen to me"

"Oh yeah" he purred "And why's that"?

"Oh for goodness sake, you claim i'm your wife, that's why, okay, that's why you have to listen to me" she missed the pride in his eyes as she looked to the side

Aditya nodded "I look forward to our next appointment then doc" pulling open the door he whistled lowly