I laid awake that night as my own thoughts tortured my mind. I had cuddled tightly into a ball against the couch wall forcing my eyes shut. I could hear Kiera snore softly from the floor and usually the sound of other people sleeping can ease my stress. It's comforting to know someone else is there nearby just in case something happens, granted nothing ever would.

But under the spare sheets Kiera had, I couldn't fall asleep.

I couldn't stop thinking about the changes our relationship has to go through. I know this is only temporary and we'll settle into a regular rhythm soon enough but I still hate the fact it has to change. I've truly become the third wheel. But instead of trying to butt in, the two lovebirds are dragging me everywhere to make me feel included. I don't want that type of pity. I want my friend back.

I did end up telling Kiera everything when we walked to her house. She listened carefully and let me finish before replying. She said she understood that I felt left out, she had noticed a change as well. What she didn't realize was how hurt I was that she was spending more time with Max than me. I felt horrible saying it out loud knowing I was being clingy.

She told me not to apologize for my emotions again.

The clinginess comes from a lonely time when I was younger. It was when we were all stuck in the trashy elementary school our tiny town has to offer. We only have an elementary school, then you have to drive thirty minutes to the nearest town. Most of us are homeschooled the moment elementary school ends to avoid constant driving back and forth.

Unfortunately, in elementary school, I had no friends to play with. I was shy, over-emotional, and had a habit of taking everything too seriously and took offense to it. For example, one day I wouldn't let a kid cut in front of me because it was against the rules and he yelled, "Curse you Perry the Platypus!" I didn't get the reference because I was an uncultured swine and thought he cursed me and called me a platypus.

So when I got mad and on the verge of tears, everyone made fun of me. I see why now but at the time I was devastated.

No one wanted to be my friend because everyone thought I was weird and a crybaby. My confidence took a nosedive and I was left friendless throughout elementary school. But when I met Kiera in middle school, I was so happy to have found a friend. A best friend. Someone I could trust and who could accept me as I am. I don't want to lose that again. I don't want to be lonely like I was then. I can't imagine life without her and I'm scared I'll lose her to Max.

Don't get me wrong, Max is an awesome guy with an obsession with Star Wars and runs cross country effortlessly and I have nothing personally against him. I am extremely happy the two nerds found each other. But the idea that it could tamper with my friendship with Kiera scares me.

Kiera reassured me today that it wouldn't. She knows how insecure I can get and told me everything would turn out in the end. She also started talking about putting myself out there again. Granted I have other friends in the town homeschool group that I sometimes talk to but I don't want to make a new best friend. I don't want things to change.

My parents tell me change is good. It's healthy. It allows us to grow into new people and take on new responsibilities and roles.

But change ruins things. Everything was fine before, I see no reason for anything to change. But the world will never remain the same and I'm left grasping at the threads of the past. As if I could stop the change myself.

I do agree that I need to adjust my views on change. I acknowledge that I can be very insecure and needy, but I'm working on it. Slowly. These things take time.

I open my eyes sleepily realizing I drifted off. I yawn widely as I slowly turn my body to settle into a more comfortable position. I feel my phone pressing against my side through my pocket reminding me that I forgot to take it out last night.

"Are you awake?" Kiera asks curiously from somewhere else in the room.

I yawn again as I blink tiredly at the ceiling. "Maybe," I draw out as I begin to move my aching jaw. Either I was clenching my jaw in my sleep again or my wisdom teeth are pushing through. I feel around my morals with my tongue noting a difference in the growing teeth. Unlike everyone else, I'm trying to tough out the growing of wisdom teeth since they aren't ruining my teeth's positioning. I also don't care if they do shift. I never had braces like everyone else, I don't care if my teeth aren't picture perfect straight. I don't smile with my teeth showing anyway so who cares?

"My mom left for work at seven," Kiera continues tiredly, "Dad's still driving home so he won't be here until nine."

"What time is it?" I ask beginning to sit up. My muscles strain for a moment before I slump against the couch back. I rub the sleep from my eyes before looking around blankly.

Kiera's air mattress lays next to the couch with all her pillows and blankets messily laid on top. Her grey lamb stuffed animal sits near her pillow with its beady eyes and faded red bow. Her baggy white t-shirt also is stuffed under the pillow.

The living room is a secluded room with the flat screen resting on top of an electric dark wood fireplace. Black bookshelves rest on either side of the fireplace and filled to the brim with leather-bound classics and various self-help books. Her dad loves to read just as Kiera does so the two end up going on book buying sprees together whenever they can. I'm jealous of their book collection, though mine isn't too shabby, I someday want an entire wall of books.

There's no set theme to the living room because themes are too much of a hassle and a marketing ploy for Americans to spend more money. As her mom puts it. The walls are a simple white, the large couch is dark grey, and the carpet is dark brown. There are a few pictures on the wall of their family of three along with a few of Kiera's grandparents and cousins from family reunions, but other than that the walls are fairly bare.

Kiera walks into the living room before setting on the edge of the couch. She glances at the TV boredly before pulling her phone. "It's... 8:30."

"When did you get up?" I ask as I mess with my tangled hair.

"My mom woke me up on accident," Kiera explains beginning to smile. "She dropped her keys and woke me up."

"Ohh okay." I pause before laying back down on the couch. "So... what do you want to do?"

Kiera shrugs before she falls back on the couch. Her legs stick up in the air for a moment before they curl up on her chest. She arches her neck to look back at me, her hair messily covering the couch. Soft smudges of black rim her eyes from leftover makeup. She adjusts the tie on the autumn leaf blanket tied around her neck before letting her arms go limp on her bare stomach. Her cheeks are flushed from the hot house despite the fact she took off her shirt in the night. Her black sports bra is partially seen from under the blanket cape and her black gym shorts are rolled up to her thighs to help her cool off.

Her mom can't sleep unless it's seven-five degrees in the house however, no one else can.

I stretch my arms out before closing my eyes as I begin to drift off again.

"Maybe we could eat something," she suggests distantly. "I think we still have some Poptarts leftover."

"Alright, sounds good."

None of us move.

I smile tiredly before arching my neck to look at Kiera again. She is looking back at me with a smirk. Soon enough, we're laughing on the couch together.

"But seriously," Kiera says when we finish our laughter. "Let's get something to eat. I'm starving."

I blink at her in surprise, "That's a first. You're never hungry."

Kiera stretches her arms in the air before arching her back like a cat. "Only in the morning, I guess. I don't really snack a lot." She lets out a relieved sigh as she lets her body go limp again. "But I'm addicted to Nutella so I guess there's a trade-off."

I shake my head in disbelief, "Why are you obsessed with it? It's like... chocolate something. I don't even know... it's weird."

"Why do you eat limes whole?"

"I leave the peel."

"After sucking on it for thirty minutes." Kiera laughs before waving me off. "Your tolerance to sour things is crazy."

I smile proudly as I stretch my legs out under the covers. "Remember when Abby tried to convince everyone she could eat an entire slice of lemon?"
Kiera snickers softly, "She couldn't even lick the thing without freaking out."

I roll my eyes, "Amateurs," I joke in a playful voice.

"Then you came in eating your lime." Kiera bursts out laughing, "her face was priceless! It could have become a meme!"

"We wasted such an amazing opportunity," I reply sorrowfully before laughing. "I still can't believe she was making such a big deal out of it in the first place. It's just a lemon."

Kiera nods as she slowly flips onto her stomach. She holds her head up with her hands before watching me curiously for a moment. She tilts her head before glancing at the curtained window. "Anyways, I've got a question for you."
"What?" I asked giving her a curious look.

Kiera watches me sincerely as the mood turns somber. My smile fades realizing she wants to talk seriously now. I sit up slowly using my arms to brace myself and give her my full attention. Is this about yesterday?

But the twitching at her lips gave her away. "I've been meaning to ask you... didn't you think that guy was pretty cute?"

I groan loudly as I toss my head back. "You're crazy and you already have a boyfriend, remember?"

Kiera laughs flashing me a smug smile. "I know that, but you don't have one."

"Just because you have a boyfriend doesn't mean I need one," I mumbled awkwardly. "Besides, it's not like we're going to see each other again. He's probably just passing through here on vacation or something." I think back to the boy and vaguely remember his scrawny body and lanky limbs. "And he wasn't that cute if you ask me."

Kiera only shrugs, "It doesn't hurt to try."

I shake my head at her. "I'm not going to ask him out. It's just... not my style, ya know?"

"Yeah..." Kiera trails off as she watches the dark TV. "But a guy asking a girl out is rare now... I don't know... maybe it's a good thing for you to step out and ask him."

I try not to look upset by her suggestion. I know she's only trying to help me out confidence-wise. But is it wrong to want a bit of tradition when dating? I don't want to date around either. I date for marriage. Nothing else. It's old-fashioned but I'm not just someone to play with and throw away. That's why I'm so determined to wait until I'm older to date. I don't' want to waste my heart on a guy I know won't commit. It's just not worth it. "I'm just old-fashioned, I think I should just wait until I'm older."

"It's not like a boy is suddenly going to show up on your doorstep with a marriage proposal, Saren." Kiera gives me a wry smile, "You have to build a relationship for someone to ask you out if you want that."

"I'm just not ready," I answer beginning to feel defensive again. I take a deep breath before fully sitting up. I tuck the blankets between my legs before trying to ease away from the subject. Why is she trying so hard to push me into this? I'm not ready for that. "Anyway, how are you and Max doing?" I ask knowing it's a topic Kiera will jump to talk about. If I've learned anything from this experience is that girls love to talk about their boyfriends. It's a little annoying but still cute for the time being.

She quickly explains they are doing good only to turn it back on me and suggesting I should get a boyfriend so we could go on double dates. I only laughed it off before switching the topic again and asking for Poptarts. Before long, the previous conversation passed and the heavy awkwardness faded away.

We both get up and wander into the kitchen before searching the cabinets for the box. Kiera finds them on top of the fridge and hands me the shiny silver package. I grab the plates as Kiera begins to pull the toaster. I lean back against the counter as I open my package realizing they are cherry flavored. I'm not a fan of cherry but with Poptarts I can't complain. Kiera proceeds to put her's in the toaster before glancing over her shoulder with a curious look. "Do you want anything to drink? We've got milk, apple juice...?"
"Apple juice," I answer as I take a bite of my raw Poptart. She nods before sauntering across the small kitchen and opening up the fridge. Her blanket cape trails behind her reminding me of the days we played "princesses" together. I grab two glasses from the cabinet before handing it off to her.

"So what do you want to do?" she asks as she pours us a glass.

"Netflix maybe?" I suggest between a long yawn. I sigh when it passes before rubbing my eyes.

"What should we watch?" Kiera asks as she hands me the cool glass.

I shrug as I think over our options. "We could watch Stranger Things again."

"We could watch Riverdale," she suggests with a growing smile. "It's so good."

I shuffle my feet feeling reluctant to tell her no. "I don't know..." I've heard of it but I don't think it's really my genre... "Maybe we could watch... Office?"

But Kiera isn't letting up. She gives me pleading eyes as she folds her hands. "Please? You won't regret it, I promise!"

"I don't know..."

"We could just watch one episode, one!"

I give her a slightly reluctant look before locking eyes with her. As the rising sun slowly shines through the misty window, Kiera's eyes seem unreal in the natural light. They are alluring blue reminding me of the ocean. Her eyes are her most defining feature as they draw people in and show overwhelming kindness to everyone. It's what everyone compliments her on and for good reason. They are beautiful in color and in shape.

I sigh loudly before caving. "Alright..."

"Yes!" she celebrates before walking back to the toaster. "This is going to be great!"

"Mhmm."

We sit back on the couch before creating a large nest of blankets to hide within. Our plates sit on our laps with our glasses on the coffee table which has been pushed to the side for the time being. She begins to ramble on about Riverdale and her undying love for Jughead and swearing he's a good person. I'm just wondering if this is some kind of aesthetic show with a lot of steamy romance scenes.

Even so, I'm just glad we moved on from the dating conversation.

Afterward, Kiera seemed to have dropped the subject completely. We ended up watching The Office after all because I managed to convince her that rewatching all nine seasons was a great idea. Which it is.

We relaxed for an hour until her dad came home from his drive. He greeted us as cheerfully as he could before announcing he was headed off to bed. It didn't surprise him I stayed the night and he simply told us to have fun and make sure to do our homework. Between our parents, Kiera's parents the most relaxed when it comes to hanging out at point blank. My parents are cool with it as well but her parents usually say yes to three-day sleepovers while my parents are wary of it.

We watched a few more episodes before Kiera suggested finding Max and hanging out together. Still wary of hanging out with both of them, I tried to back out as carefully as I could to avoid the awkwardness between having a third wheel when the two were together.

"You are always welcome to hang out with us," Kiera argued with hurt in her eyes. "It's not awkward, it's more fun when you're around."

I lean back on the pillows before shaking my head. "It's just weird... you two... when you're together it counts as a date in my mind. If I'm there then I'm just ruining the mood."

"But I want you there with me."

"I know... but what if Max doesn't?" I ask edgily. I begin playing with my hands unsure what else to do. "What if he just wants to hang out with you and have some alone time-"

"He would tell me," she cuts me off. She waves me off with a knowing look, "Max speaks his mind. If he doesn't like it then he would have told me-"

"Not if he knows I'm your best friend. He probably doesn't want to offend you."

"You need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks," Kiera points out seriously, "if you're constantly worrying about opinions and feelings then you'll never be able to do anything."

I grimace before looking out the open window. "Ouch," I mumble as my heart stings.

Kiera shakes her head, "Sorry, that came out wrong. But you know what I mean."

"I know." I begin pulling my hair back, aimlessly working my fingers through the tight tangles. "You want me to be more confident."

"Exactly."

"But it's harder than you think..." I mutter tightly, "you were born confident."

"You were too."

"I've always been like this," I argue flashing her a wounded look. "I can't just change that overnight."

She shakes her head. "Everyone's born confident, but those who have been hurt for it try hiding it."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" I ask sadly. Resting the back of my hand on my eyes, I relax my neck and let it hang off the edge of the couch. "I can't be reckless with my confidence. It's only to get hurt again."

"We're in high school, Saren," she begins slowly, "I just don't want to see you hide in your shell for the rest of your life. You have to step out."

"I can't do that," I retort as my walls begin to strengthen. I squeeze my eyes shut before taking a deep breath. "It's just... too risky."

"I'll be here to support you-"

"It's not the same," I argue helplessly. "You don't understand what I went through."

"I know your feelings were hurt when you were younger but..."

"But what?"

"Don't you think it's time to let go of that?"

I drop my hand into my lap giving her a bewildered look. "What?"

Kiera's expression remains neutral before gesturing to me. "You've been holding onto this for years, Saren. Maybe if you just let go of what happened-"

"It's not about that," I argue, my voice beginning to rise. "Please just stop talking about this. I don't want to talk about this with you."

Kiera's lips tighten into a frown before sighing. She rubs her eyes tiredly before saying, "I don't like arguing with you. But I feel like... maybe I could help you with this. I'm only trying to help, Saren."

"I know," I lament giving her a thankful look. "I appreciate it but I think this is something I need to do myself. I think it'll just take some time for me to put myself out there. I just need to be ready in my own time, okay?"

Kiera's lips pull into a soft smile, "Alright. But know I'm here for you, okay?"

"I know."

I reach across the couch and she does the same. I take her hand feeling slight comfort from the feeling of her hand. She's the only friend that understands my love for physical touch. I never hug or touch anyone in public because I'm not sure if they're okay with it, but Kiera understands it's part of my love language. She likes it too which is nice. I feel better with a hug rather than advice. On sad days, I just want someone to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be alright rather than give me a present.

It is good to appreciate all the love languages and there isn't just one way to receive love, though if I had to request one, it would be touch. Most people don't like to be touched and I hate it when random strangers try to touch me, but if it's with someone I know and love it's okay because I trust them. In my mind, touch equals trust. And my trust stretches out to my parents, Kiera, and our Italian foreign exchange student Adriano.

"So... what do you want to do?" she asks after a long minute of silence.

I glance at the TV displaying the rows of shows which don't interest me. I stretch my legs out on the couch before shrugging. "Maybe we could try going to the beach?"

"Hmm, maybe..." Kiera picks up her phone and with a few taps she opens up her weather app. "It rained last night so it might be a bit wet..."

"A little rain never bothered the Mermaid Warrior Princesses," I joke flashing her a knowing smile.

Kiera brightens before laughing. "Oh yeah, I remember that. We were-"

"Yep!"

We laugh together remembering the good old days during the summer. We spent hours hanging out at the beach, talking, collecting shells, and trying to explore. As a joke, we created our own group called the Mermaid Warrior Princesses because princesses can fight too. And I really liked the idea of having my own knife. I still do.

"Ah good times," Kiera chuckles, messing with her hair. "So do you want to get dressed?"
"Sure."

"Remember we have to be quiet because Dad's sleeping," she reminds me as she stands up. She stretches her arms above her head before letting them drop at her sides. She glances back at me with a smile, "But you already know that."

"Yep," I replied standing up slowly. "How cold is it outside?"

"FIfty, which is pretty good," Kiera answers before walking down the hallway toward her bedroom.

"Great."

However, our plans were ruined by the sudden downpour and we were stuck inside for most of the day. Max ended up joining us for a little while and played a couple card games with us before I decided to leave after lunch to finish up some of my homework. I left the two lovebirds and walked home when the rain let up. As I walked from her house, I inhaled the thick misty air. My jacket, still slightly coffee stained, keeping out the majority of the chilly air.

The sky was still a dreary grey reminding me of a black and white movie. The row of houses are damp and disappear behind their landscaping. The sidewalks are stained dark with small dips in the pavement creating puddles. Water runs alongside of the road before draining into the sewer vents and disappearing forever.

With my hands in my pockets, I walk down the sidewalk toward my house. I enjoy the peace and quiet of the empty street knowing everyone is at work. Very rarely a car will drive by. A sense of relief washes over me as the reality of being alone hits me. I smile to myself relishing the moment alone and reorganize my thoughts.

I need to be more practical. I can't worry about getting a boyfriend or "putting myself out there" right now. Right now, my main objective is getting my homework done for the weekend and making sure I apply for a few more scholarships by the end of the night. School first, then I can worry about everything else. I just have to get through this. Somehow.

Let me know in the comments below what you think so far!