Today, I cracked. My depression got the better of me today, and I wrote Entry #1 and Poem #13. I feel terrible, but Zaine is doing better, so, my smile has to keep going, for him. Today, he asked me if I could trust him. I asked if he'll be gentle with my heart. We both agree, but I made another promise. He asked me to keep it real with him, to trust to tell him that side I don't usually show to people. I want to, really, but something is holding me back. Zaine heard my blabbering negative thoughts for the first time today. Of course, I can always be a wreck, but today was different. He was trying to understand that part I don't usually show. He's trying, and I know he is. I know now, that whatever he says, I should take to heart. I... also learned the relationship between him and I is not a pity relationship; no, it's a real one. I hope Zaine is taht person at the end of my string. He really does seem like the one.

-Nikki Greul

Poem #13

I deserve to be hurt.

I deserve every insult I have been given,

I deserve every punch and kick I'm given.

It makes my brain clear,

Reassured,

Knowing I'm not a perfect human,

Not a perfect spirit.

I wish I was given a lot more,

Otherwise, I wouldn't be so in my brain,

My personality stinks, and I know.

I know I still have mending,

But everyone keeps telling me,

"You're beautiful, in so many ways."

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't.

Poem #14

My head wields with fantasies.

I keep thinking indecent things,

But I can't help it.

I'm a teenager, so it's expected.

But I normally don't think about it, 

Recently though, I have.

It's nothing too bad,

A little kissing,

A little touching,

And marking of 'territory'.

Entry #1

I always feel like a burden towards my peers, teachers, and family. I'm annoyingly energetic, and too curious and caring for my own good. I deserve painful remarks, I don't deserve any comfort from anyone. Why do people do it anyway? I'm just wasting their time by doing so. My cat bites me a lot, which results in several scratches and bruises, but, I deserve it. I always deserve it, others should not be getting pained by anything. I want to carry everyone's burdens, I want everyone's negative emotions.

-Nikki Greul