Today was a nice, eventful day. I took Pooka on a walk with Leo, joined a group chat, which is stupid, and Alex brought a, probably not a stray, cat home. Zaine broke up with his girlfriend today. To be honest, I'm pretty happy, but I'm sad at the same time. I'm happy because he's single, but I'm sad because he truly loved her. It's odd. Love. There's many types of love. Platonic, Romantic, Family, Friend, etc. He shows my Family-Friend-Romantic love towards me. I show him the same. But, I think my love may be bigger than his for me. I want to pursue it, but, he has a lot on his plate already. I don't need to be another thing for him to worry about. I also don't want our, almost, 8 year friendship to be ruined and awkward between us. I think he knows that too. I've been having these sexual fantasies that include Zaine in them. But, I would never be able to tell him that I've been having those types of day dreams. It's weird enough for me, I don't want to make it weird for him. That's the last thing  I want. My body has been having some issues. It feels like a nerve in my right arm, where the elbow pit is, has been bruised. It may be internal bruising, but it kinda hurts. I still want to read a couple of my poems to Zaine, but, why would I do that over text? Ii need to do it over phone. I feel like I've been needy for these past few days, but Zaine's been 'busy'. I promised him I would talk to him about my problems, but, I don't think I'd be able to. I want to, really, but I'm skittish. I'm too skittish to tell him, because I'm worried of what he will think of me afterwards. He probably doesn't know that I was sort of lying when I made that promise, but, I can't tell him everything, even if he is my greatest friend in the world.

-Nikki Greul

Poem #12

My heart hurts.

It feels like lead.

That lead seems to be getting HEAVIER.

I don't know what to do.

I've been trying to talk,

But, he's supposedly, 'BUSY'