Today was boring. It was a nice, cool day today, meaning I didn't have a bad time walking. I walk home for the most part, so, yeah. I decided to quit band AND Energy Academy. Everything is slowly falling apart, I feel like. I'm tired of of everything being... MUSHED, or CRUSHED. I don't understand why these things happen, but, I guess it's life. Chloe gave me a present today. It's a black mask with shark-like teeth, that can be a smile or a frown. I have another like it, but it's a smiley cat face. (=w=) I seem to be distancing myself, but, it's ok. My mind is just going through another stage, right? I thought my depression was getting better. I thought I was being cured, but I guess that's what happens when I put hope into something. It's torn down by my anxiety. I have seen that I'm always tired, and, I'm not taking care of myself and my hygiene. My body is going to get sick if I don't take care of it. I may take a shower after I finish my chores. Maybe. Leo may of noticed how my behavior is slightly changing. I'm not obligated to stay with her, but, she makes me feel bad when I say I have to go. She may not know I have body issues, even though I can flaunt around in a bikini. Just because I'm able to do that, does not mean I am comfortable. Martin showed me he does not like hugs during P.E. (or in front of a huge crowd) and, that kind of stinged. Why? Well, it reminded me of Jake, my ex. He always said that, like he didn't actually want my affection. It hurts to think of that topic, because I'm still moving on. I don't think I mentioned it in this book, but, I was in a sexually abusive relationship with him. Martin seems different, so, I'm going to trust him. Maybe I should tell him about it? I did mention I still wasn't over him when I told Martin. He'll understand, right? I was able to tell Leo and Zaine, so, why is Marin different?? He's not, right? Today, I did some research on the String of Fate, with how the others half is at the end of that long or short end. I do wonder if I've met my soulmate. Zaine mentioned the other day about the 'thing' forming between us may be that string, and, of course, it is a possibility. I'm just not going to put my hopes up.

-Nikkie Greul

Poem # 10

If I die, 

I need you,

The person holding,

Tell my family, friends, 

"I love you." From me, Nikki.

If I die,

I hope it's by old age,

Not by something stupid.

What if I don't die?

I would try to die,

Because I cannot,

CANNOT,

Live without family and friends.