TW: Mentions of Eating Disorders, it's splattered all over this chapter so please message me and I can summarize. There will be a warning where it's most in depth.

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41

The week had slowly dragged by a routine between Zayn, and I had formed. Wake up, pray, eat breakfast, come home, eat, watch Spongebob, and sleep. It was a tiring routine but coming home to him every evening made it worth it. Friday had approached, and we both had taken a week off for our "Honeymoon." Christmas holidays were next week, so we had a glorious two weeks off in total. Today everyone would be arriving for our Walima, which was tomorrow evening. As I laid in bed, the sound of the birds chirping and Zayn's snoring surrounding me, I slowly grabbed my phone, unlocking it to be bombarded by hundreds of texts from my family and friends. Some were telling me the whereabouts of my inlaws, and others from my mother yelling at me for not calling her last night. Sighing, I put it away and took a look at Zayn. It was clear that he was stressed, his under eyes dark and puffy, he had started to break out around his forehead and his -

"Stop Staring" He grumbled his eyes still closed, I gasped how did he realize?

"Was not" I said lying through my teeth as I turned around facing the opposite way,

His arm laid on my waist, his grip ever so tight. 

"Good morning beautiful" He said with a chuckle as he pulled me closer,  I didn't respond,

"I'm sorryyy" He said mumbling into the crook of my neck, I still didn't respond trying not to laugh,

"Saimaa, talk to me please," He said; I still didn't respond; I heard him huff like a child, and then suddenly he moved so fast, I couldn't even comprehend his arms were on each side of me as he hovered over me, his face mere inches away.

"Morning" He said with a cheeky smile, I rolled my eyes 

"Good morning" I said trying to focus my eyes on his face and not his lips-

He wasn't doing a good job at it though as his eyes were on my lips the whole time, 

"Eyes up here, buddy," I said, lifting his chin; he rolled his eyes and plopped back onto the bed. He moved a bit down, so we were eye to eye.

"What's the plan for today" He asked,

"Not sure; check the itinerary Zara emailed you," I said. We both laughed; Zara was taking this so seriously it was adorable. He grabbed his phone from behind me and placed it in between our faces.

"Okay, it looks like we missed breakfast, the phone call, and we're about to miss the arrival of Raisa Apu," He said, putting his phone away.

"When do we have to leave?" I asked, snuggling closer; our room was so cold, I was wrapped in like three blankets, but I still felt frozen.

"Well we were supposed to leave for Fupi's house an hour ago" He said sheepishly

Great, I slowly started to get up, when I was pulled back down.

"5 more minutes" He said snuggling closer to me, his arms still wrapped around my waist and his face in my neck.

5 minutes turned into 10 which then turned into 2 hours late...

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 "Haye, Beta why are you guys so late?" Asma Aunty asked as we walked into Mama behind her.

"Don't you miss your mother?" Mama asked hugging me so tightly,

"Of course" I said kissing her cheek,

"Come on; almost everyone is here. Straighten out your clothes," Mama said, smoothing down my dress as if I was still a child,

"Mama," I whined; she completely forgot about me the second she saw Zayn, bombarding him with questions if I was taking care of him properly,

"Saima he's gotten so skinny stop starving him" She said hugging him, I cringed at that sentence oh how many times I've heard that but being said to me.

"Yes, Ammi, she barely feeds me, and she eats all the good food," He said with a pout earning all of my mother's sympathy; I glared at him as he was getting coddled up by my mother when my mother wasn't looking he gave me a wink. Shaking my head, I walked away to find Bhabi speaking to someone.

"Salaam Saima meet Raisa!" Bhabi said moving over, "Salaam!" I said hugging her

"Oh, wow, Zayn wasn't kidding when he said you were beautiful!" She said in a thick British accent; I blushed at her compliment; she was so sweet as I got to know her and the rest of Zayn's family. All his Mamu's his Chachu, and his abundance of nieces and nephews who got along so well with Maryam.

The day flew by; it was nearing midnight when everyone slowly started to go to bed. Most people would be staying at Asma Aunties but the rest at the hotel. I would be going back home to the apartment with the girls while Zayn stayed at Aunty's To say Zayn was upset about our "Girl's Night" was an understatement,

"You're acting like a child" I said putting on my shoes, as he grumbled about something about discrimination. 

"But who's gonna play with my hair until I fall asleep?" He asked, 

"People are going to hear," I mumbled; the last thing I needed was to be embarrassed by aunties and teased by cousins,

"Let them! My wife is treating me unfairly" 

"It's one night you big baby, you have the rest of your life for me to play with your hair" I teased, pinching his cheeks.

"That's true and we have our honeymoon very soon" He said, a cheeky smile appearing on his once pouty face, 

"Assalamualikum" I said heading out, but a hand grabbed my wrist, 

"You're forgetting something" He said his arms crossed over his chest. Oh my Allah, I have never been the patient person and he was really testing me.

"What" I sighed; he pointed to his lips. Quickly looking around to see if anyone was near, I quickly placed a kiss on his cheek and ran out the door heading to the car. His complaints could be heard, and I'm sure the neighbors woke up.

"What took so long?" Bhabi asked starting up the car a smirk on her face,

"Eh you know just tying up my shoes" I said, opening my phone to find some very upset texts from Zayn

Not Zayn Malik: that was cheating

Not Zayn Malik: you're gonna get it

Me: all is fair in love and war x 

I turned off my phone and a night full of laughter began.

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"Can I take this off now" I said going to take the slice of cucumber off my eye, but my hand getting slapped by Zara. 

"Nope Appi, it says to keep it on for 30 minutes, you've had it on for less than 2" She said sounding stressed out,

"It doesn't even do anything" I whined, what was the point of this? It was so uncomfortable. Cucumbers were for eating not placing them on your eyes.

"Saima shut up let me relax" Bhabi said as she laid beside me, I could feel her trying to hit me but I'm guessing she had cucumbers on her eyes too, and couldn't see.

"Bhabi, do you want french tips or a nude set?" Fatima asked, they both had insisted on me wearing press on nails for the reception tomorrow, since I couldn't pray right now I had agreed.

"I think the nude set would look nicer" I said as they both sat beside me and placed my hands in their laps.

It was of the camera that made me jump, the cucumbers that were once on my eyes plopped onto the bed, earning yells and screams from the twins and bhabi. I saw Zara with her phone as she ran out of the room laughing.

"What did you do Zara" I said climbing out of the bed and chasing her, she stood in the middle of the kitchen, trapped. 

"Check your phone," She said, still laughing like a hyena; I went back to the room to find the three of them laughing while on their phone; grabbing my phone, I see a picture of me. Cucumbers on my eyes, zit cream on my face, pore strip on my nose, and a scowl on my lips sent by Zara to the group chat.

Not Zayn Malik: I have to say I think I won the lottery for the prettiest wife.

"Zara, I'm going to kill you!" I said tackling her onto the bed.

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"Okay... Yes, Mama will be there... Salaam," Bhabi said, holding the phone a couple of inches from her ear, cringing at the sound of Mama yelling at us. Let's just say last night was wild. Lots of dancing, spooky stories, and way too much Shahrukh Khan movies. This led to us falling asleep at 3 in the morning, where we then woke up at noon. When Mama had explicitly instructed us to be at her house at 10 AM, she was this close to sending someone over and picking us up, but thankfully Zara had woken up.

All of us now were getting ready and cleaning up the mess we had made. I didn't want to come home from my wedding reception to find candy wrappers, soda cans and lots of pizza boxes laying around. We were slobs last night. But it was worth it. I had very briefly spoken to Zayn this morning. The little flirt sent the cutest good morning text but he hadn't texted me back yet. I also wasn't allowed to see him until tonight so I was very sad about that, less than 24 hours apart and I was missing him like crazy. What has marriage done to me.

"Here's your keys appi" Rukaiya send passing me the keys, I locked the door and we were off. 

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"Do I have to wear a lehenga?" I whined, I had on only the top half and I felt like I had gained 20 pounds. The amount of fabric and layers were suffocating.

"Saima stop moving!" Mama scolded. I could feel the dress sticking to me, I started to regret all the "Unhealthy" foods I had been eating. The negative thoughts that I thought would never appear again, started to appear. 

"Haye, didn't this dress fit you like one month ago?" Mama asked as I squeezed into the heavy skirt. I stayed silent. 

"Okay the makeup artist is downstairs I'll go get her" Mama said, leaving me and my thoughts in the room. 

How did you get married?

Wait until Zayn finds out what happened at Bhai's wedding, he wont want you after

You thought you could get away from me?

The voice taunted me as I sat there, staring at my bulging stomach. I lifted my arm, the scars had faded, but they were still visible if you looked closely. I tried to compose myself as now was not the time to cry. Everything was going good, I was happy, and now it's like nothing changed.

The door opened, a stunning girl walked in her hands filled with bags of makeup, why don't you look like her? The voice taunted. Closing my eyes, "Hi I'm Saima" I said extending my hand,

"Ah the beautiful bride, I'm Roxy, let's get started!

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"Saima, you look beautiful" Roxy said with a gasp, as she tidied up. My skin was clear, it wasn't too heavy with foundation but just enough so my skin looked smooth, sparkly cut crease, fluttery eyelashes and a bold red lip. I looked pretty, no you don't the voice kept taunting me, it wouldn't go away. I tried to ignore it but it was no use. 

Mama had sent the photographer up as well, who took pictures of me as I got my makeup done and the finished results. The photographer, Ayla was so sweet. I never felt comfortable taking pictures but she made it feel so natural.

Gasps were heard as the door opened, "Saima!" Mama gasped, followed by Zara and Bhabi. 

"How do I look" I said with a twirl, the jingles of the jewels making noise as I moved.

"Mashallah" Mama said with tears, as she hugged me. 

"Come on, your prince is waiting" Bhabi said with a wink as she grabbed my arm as we headed to the car.

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The venue was beautiful; it looked straight out of a Disney movie. It was a castle in the outskirts of Southern Ontario, a field surrounding it and gorgeous flowers. Mama and Zara helped me get out of the car, my hijab blowing in the wind. I was told everyone was in the hall - which was segregated. Bhai and Baba were in the main lobby waiting to greet me, and then they'd bring out Zayn where we'd have a couple of minutes to talk and take pictures before going to the separate halls.

Slowly walking, trying not to trip over my Lehenga, I was met with Baba and Bhai who both looked very emotional. 

"Mashallah" They both said, 

"I'm impressed Saima you clean up well" Bhai said, giving me a side hug, "Kidding you look beautiful"

"Yes Saima you look amazing" Baba said hugging me, 

"Thank you" 

"Now lets go get your husband" Bhai said with a clap, "He's very excited to see you, he wont stop texting me" He said with a grumble. They all walked inside, telling me Zayn would be here shortly. I took a seat on a nearby staircase. The cold marble making me shiver, 

"Well isn't this Deja Vu?" Zayn said walking towards to me, I tried getting up but nearly tripped gripping onto his arm. 

"Once a klutz, always a klutz" He said helping me get up, "Shut up" I said straightening myself out, I looked up to see him staring at me his eyes went up and down, his hazel eyes widened. 

"You look beautiful" He gasped out, a smile overtook my face. He looked breathtaking, a golden sherwani, his hair was neatly groomed. He looked effortlessly handsome. 

"Not so bad yourself" I teased pinching his reddened cheeks, we both took a seat on the stairs facing the beautiful hall. Antique paintings adorned on the walls, vines and leaves all over. Magnificent.

I turned to him, he was already looking at me, "What do you mean Deja Vu?" I asked, a smirk appeared on his face, 

"You don't remember do you?" He said with a chuckle, "What if I told you we had met before?"

I stared at him bewildered, "What are you talking about?" 

He sighed his eyes sparkled as he began, 

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Zayn sat on his seat, slumped as he listened to his Anum Appi get married, his new Omar Bhai had tears in his eyes as he signed the paper. The sounds of the congratulations and cheers mixed with the smell of food had him feeling suffocated, so he decided to get out. Before he could go his father stopped him, "Get me Cigarettes" His father said with a scowl, passing him a twenty, he took the money and headed out. The venue was huge, he kept taking the wrong turns and getting lost. It wasn't until he heard a voice - an angelic voice that he stopped. 

"Bhai, I'm fine, enjoy your wedding... Yes I promise I ate... Okay take care of my new Bhabi... Allah Hafiz" She hung up the phone, beginning to sob. Zayn's heart ached at the sound, Why was she so upset? She had to be related to the groom, he thought. 

"Are you okay?" He yelled out, causing the girl to freeze, 

"Has no one ever taught you manners? Why were you eavesdropping" She yelled back, she was about to turn around when he quickly turned around himself and walked out. Not wanting to have his identity revealed. He started to walk out, his pace increasing as the girl's screams got louder, telling him to stop. 

It was after the wedding, that he saw her again. He was waiting for his mother and sister to come out of the women's hall. He stood by the corner waiting when the same girl, with the same golden Lehenga walked out. A scowl still on her face, her eyes still puffy but he could tell she tried to mask it with freshly applied makeup. He noticed a tiny strand of her curls pop out of her Hijab. She was beautiful. She suddenly looked up as she walked past him, he lowered his head, trying not to get noticed. That was the last that he saw of her, until the day he came to Canada.

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"That was you?" I asked, the weird man that saw me cry. Did that mean he knew?

"How much of the phone call did you hear?" I asked nervously. He furrowed his brows,

"Not much why? Wait why were you crying that day?"
 He asked even more confused, I sighed he would have to find out eventually, I leaned my head against his shoulder, the mean voice appearing in my head once again. He'll never love you.

"Saima are you okay?" Zayn asked, placing the back of his hand on my forehead, checking my temperature, 

I lifted my head and forced a smile, I wasn't going to ruin tonight, "I'll tell you later, come on I'm hungry!" I said slowly getting up. He had a questionable look on his face, as he got up,

"Okay but-" I cut him off by gently placing a kiss on his cheek, trying not to get any lipstick, "Let's go" I said taking his hand. He gave me some worrisome looks, I sighed grabbing his face in my hands, 

"Later, I promise now go have fun" I said shooing him away, he stood still until I gave him one last look and he entered the men's hall, halfway there he stopped, I gave him a smile and he entered the hall. Once he was gone I entered the women's hall. Immediately getting dragged to different Aunties, or getting shoved random sweets into my mouth.

Let the party begin.

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"Do I have to go home" I pouted as I danced with Angie. The night was slowly beginning to end but I didn't want it to, knowing the question's I had to answer. But I also had a fantastic time, dancing and catching up with family. Not to mention the amazing food, but every time I ate something, at the back of my head the voice kept taunting me. I tried to push it back, but it kept coming back.

"You have a husband waiting for you" She winked as we both spun in circles, she suddenly stopped and we both took a minute to regain balance. 

"You'll have a husband soooon" I said as we held onto each others shoulder's. Angie had finally said yes to Abu Bakr's proposal and I could not wait for the wedding! She wanted me to plan the wedding for her which I of course agreed! I was so excited it was going to be the best wedding ever! I was so close to changing my career and becoming a wedding planner!

She blushed, changing the topic. "Let me go grab your hijab so you can leave; word has it your husband's growing eager," She said with a wink as she walked away. As I waited for Angie to come, I bid goodbye to the guests who were leaving; shortly after, I changed into some comfy shoes and wrapped my hijab. Mama helped me walk as we met with Zayn and Baba, who were engaged in a lighthearted conversation. Zayn's smile was huge as he talked about the latest cricket match. Once they noticed me, they turned their attention towards me. Baba hugged me, "Goodnight Saima,"

"Goodnight Baba" I said kissing his cheek, I waved goodbye and took Zayn's hand as he led us to his car. Everyone had insisted on a limo but he wanted to drive us home. 

"How was your night?" He asked with a chuckle as I leaned into his arm, 

"I'm tired" I whispered, 

"Mhm, me too" He softly said opening the car door for me, "Thank you" I mumbled half asleep. 

He started up the car and started the ride back home. We talked about everything besides what we had discussed before; I was shocked when he didn't ask anything about it. We had walked up to our apartment, me lugging my huge lehenga and him making fun of it. Getting out of the lehenga was a piece of work; I had some assistance unbuttoning the back of the dress - it wasn't anything romantic like the movies make it to be. I was glad. I've had my fair share of Bollywood scenes in real life, and I didn't need anymore.

"Finally" I sighed jumping into the bed in a huge shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. My hair was finally out of the tight bun and I could now relax. He laughed at my reaction as he climbed into bed. After awhile of just talking we said our goodnights and dua's and went to bed. Or atleast I tried. I kept tossing and turning. I was shocked that he didn't ask anything about it? Maybe he just forgot? But still, it was eating me alive. I slowly got up sitting criss cross in front of his sleeping back. 

"Zayn?" I mumbled quietly, no way he fell asleep so fast, 

"Saima what's wrong" He said turning around, and then getting up sitting just like how I was in front of me. 

"You didn't ask" I said quietly, 

"Ask what?" He said confused,

"The phone call earlier at the wedding" I sputtered out hoping I made sense, 

"Well I just assumed you'd tell me when you're ready" He said, I stared into his eyes, honesty was the only thing in his voice. I stared at him confused. He was waiting for me to be ready? I expected him to pry it out of me. How did I get so lucky?

I sighed, I didn't want to keep it a secret any longer, "I was 16" I began, he opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off, 

"I grew up skinny like underweight and I never thought anything about my weight or appearance until I had a surgery and one of the side affects was that I'd gain weight"

I regret going through that surgery still to this day. If it weren't for it my life would be so much easier.

TW"I was 16 when it happened, so naturally, I grew insecure when I gained like 30 pounds. I wasn't overweight, but I was just a little over the normal weight, but I was really short, so I looked compressed and chubby. I didn't care until I'd go to dawats, and random aunties would comment on how chubby I'd gotten or how they'd comment on how much I ate. So like any other teenager, I went on diets. From Low Carb to going vegetarian to even going Vegan but nothing worked. Until I got obsessed and lowered and lowered my caloric intake to lower than what an infant ate. Since I was in University and always out, nobody noticed; I was miserable though the skinnier I got, the more agitated and the lower my grades got." I paused;

 I felt like I couldn't breathe. He pulled me closer, "You can stop, you seriously don't have to keep going" I shook my head letting the tears fall.

"We went shopping for dresses for Bhai's wedding. Me, Bhabi, Mama, Zara and some of her beautiful Dubai friends, all the dresses looked awful on me, I was so short and chubby I looked like an overweight child, and Bhabi's mean friends didn't mind pointing it out. Commenting on each little flaw when Mama or Bhabi weren't around. After that, I had gone on a rampage, I physically could not eat, and I barely did. When I did, I made sure to get rid of it. It was two nights before the Nikah; when Bhabi was having a little party, I don't remember what happened, but all I know was that I collapsed and landed in the hospital. Bhai had come to check up on me when he found me on the ground, unconscious. Low blood sugar was what they said. Mama and Baba don't know the full extent to what happened; the doctors explained I wasn't eating enough nutrients. I blamed it on the stress of the wedding, so they let it go. My parent didn't understand that I was starving myself - I had only told Bhai and Bhabi because they had put the pieces of the puzzle together.

"I felt terrible for them though since it was Bhai's wedding, the happiest times of his life and all he would do was check up on me making sure I ate. When you saw me, everyone was eating so I ran out feeling nauseated, Bhai had called me to see if I ate.
He said if I didn't he'd tell Mama and Baba the truth if I didn't eat, I didn't want to disappoint them so I obliged with what he wanted" I closed my eyes not wanting to see his reaction. 

"Bhai had me in and out of therapy for a while without anyone knowing but that didn't help. It wasn't until I had amnesia and went delusional that I started to recover. But it wasn't until today that I started feeling like that again" I sobbed, there was something wrong with me, I didn't know what to do.

"I just wanted to be pretty but my dress was tight, and I looked fun. It brought back the memories in Dubai" I cried, my salty tears everywhere. He held me close, as if I was going to disappear. Whispering soothing things as he rubbed circles on my back. 

"Please come here" He said his voice slightly cracking, closing my eyes I did slowly rolling over. 

"When I saw you're the most beautiful human I've ever seen I mean it. Inside and out. Don't ever doubt it." He went on,

"You don't need to be a certain number on the scale to be beautiful. You're soul is what makes you beautiful, your inner you reflects the outer you"  

"But my stomach is pudgy and my arms are flabby" I said mumbling into his white t-shirt, that was dampened with my tears,

"That's not bad, I love that about you, you took my breath away the first time I saw you and you still do now" 

I stayed quiet ignoring the slip of the word "love." Now was not the time to overthink things. I didn't know what else to say, "Goodnight" I finally said,

"Goodnight" He mumbled into my hair as I slowly fell asleep, the sound of his heartbeat calming me down.

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forgive me if this was too much to take in, i'll admit it's a lot but this was long awaiting.
 Eating disorders are awful, if you ever feel like this please, please reach out to someone you trust. My PM's are always open <3
 this chapter makes me so emotional *hands out tissues

ALSO, I had the rest of the book written out, but I spontaneously deleted all of it because I was not happy with it. I am in the midst of re writing BUT i'm also drowning in school work and I recently joined some REALLY big islamic organizations and such which need my full attention - also my mental health is pretty iffy, so this is NOT a hiatus but just don't be expecting my daily updates :) I have uploaded the prologue for "Qadr" so I would love it if you could show some love and if you miss me too much I have two more books published and completed hehe that's all have a nice day/night muahh <3