Mental Breakdown

Tonight I had a horrible mental breakdown. I finally told my mother how I was feeling about everything. How I feel like I'm constantly suffocating and how I have absolutely no motivation at all. Of course, she didn't understand "where" any of this came from, but she tried to help calm me down.

These feelings didn't come from anywhere specific. I like to consider feelings and emotions to be similar to matter. It cannot be created or destroyed. It's always just there. When you think it isn't there, it's really just lying dormant and waiting until the worst possible time to become active and make everything worse.

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm suffocating constantly. I'm always stressed about school work, learning to drive, my college classes, taking care of my mother, and doing all of the house work. I have very little free time and it's always spent stressing. It's difficult to put my feelings into words, but being smothered is the best I can come up with right now.

On top of feeling like I'm being suffocated, I lack any motivation. I never want to get up in the mornings. I always just want to go back to sleep and forget my responsibilities. I desperately wish I could, but I can't. My brain never allows me to continue to sleep. It forces me to get up and go to school and complete all my work, even when I lack the energy to do so. I often fall asleep in my living room because of my exhaustion.

This fatigue and lack of motivation, to me, are very clear signs of depression. However, my depression has never been this severe. I'm not sure why it's so much worse this year, but it is. It's so bad, I worry about being alone. I'm always aware of my surroundings when I'm alone. I have bad thoughts when I'm left alone for too long and it scares me.

I don't know how to explain these feelings to my therapist without being put in COC. For those of you who don't know, COC, also known as Circles of Care is an abusive rehabilitation and psychiatric center. Several of my friends have been admitted to COC and have been mistreated and sexually harassed in the facility. I also don't have the time to waste in a place like COC when I have all my classes and my college classes.

In college, most professors adhere to the campus absence requirements. Most campuses allow three absences before they withdraw you from the course. Some professors are lenient with the rule, allow "free" absences or allowing the exchange of points for an absence, but others are very strict.

My oceanography teacher only allows three absences before he withdraws you. He will also withdraw you after six tardies, as he counts three tardies as one absence. Even if the three absences are excused, due to medical, legal, or mourning purposes, he will withdraw you. Needless to say, I don't have the time to be worrying about being admitted, against my will, to COC.

My mother asked me before I said I was going to bed if I was going to hurt myself. The question made me paranoid. Having been thinking about self-harming for several weeks now, being asked by my mother if I would intentionally hurt myself, was very unsettling. I haven't ever discussed my self-harm with anyone in my family or even my therapist.

My mother asking if I would hurt myself shows how concerned she is. She even told me I could drop my college classes if I needed to. In reality, I struggle more with being at the high school than I do the college. At the college, everyone minds their own business and is polite to you. People are all there to learn and they pay for classes. High school students hate each other. There's always drama and fighting. People are always talking about people they hate behind their backs, and everything is always blown out of proportion. Being in high school is an absolute nightmare that makes going to college seem like a sweet dream.

I'm currently in my junior year of high school and my sophomore year at the college. For people who aren't familiar with the dual enrollment program, it means that I'm allowed to take courses at the local college and I will graduate high school with my Associate's degree. Currently, I'm taking classes to help me get my AA in creative writing.

Writing started as a hobby for me. I wrote awful fanfictions about characters I loved. I absolutely hate every fanfic I've ever written. Some still get attention on here and I absolutely hate it. I've started writing my own original stories and they have  been fairly successful. It would be a dream come true to be a writer full time.

As of now, I'm laying in bed and writing this chapter. My mind has relaxed for the moment and I'm no longer sobbing due to my mental breakdown. My mother is asleep and all is quiet in the house. My eyes still burn from the tears as if they've been exposed to too much chlorine, but this feeling will subside by morning. My appetite should also come back by then.

I plan to go to sleep after finishing this chapter. Hopefully, I'll be able to fall asleep quickly and peacefully dream without nightmares. I haven't been sleeping very well for the past several days and that can make me even more stressed. On the bright side, I don't have any class on Monday and that gives me an extra day to sleep and relax my mind.

I've just started this book tonight and I find that I am already finding myself a little less stressed. Being able to express my feelings in a positive manner is very relieving. In all honesty, I was very hesitant to start this book. I wasn't certain that I would be comfortable with people reading the raw and private feelings and experiences that I have. These things, whether positive or not, make me who I am. If somebody doesn't like that, they can get over it. I am who I am and no one but I can change that.