Heartbreak

Something happened last night that I never thought would happen. December 19th, my girlfriend broke up with me. I don't want this to sound like a stereotypical teenage breakup, but I'm experiencing some of those cliché emotions.

For the past few days, we had been fighting. We weren't talking as much as we needed to. Things were rough, but we planned to work through it.

My girlfriend and I had been together for two and a half years. We'd been talking for almost two years before we started dating. Even though we're over 1,200 miles apart, we were still willing to start something amazing. Two and a half years later, I thought everything was okay. It turns out, I was wrong.

I know I said some things about her speech class not being the same as a theatre class and that upset her. I wanted her to tell me the things I missed in her life. All these multiple month gaps that I was just left in the dark about. It always seemed that we just picked up precisely where we left off.

She was honest with me. She told me she was unhappy. It was worrying, but we were going to work out a way to make things better. We were going to talk more about our lives, roleplay less, and just be there for each other the best we can. I was fully prepared to try. I wanted to keep going to make things better. I didn't want to throw away two and a half years of happiness with her.

Yesterday we hardly talked at all. I kept my phone close all night. I wanted to give her space since I knew she was stressing over exams. I figured staying quiet and letting her study in piece would be the smart thing to do.

When I was considering going to bed, I checked my phone. I saw that I had messages on Discord. I checked the messages and started reading them. Once I did, I felt like someone just stomped on my chest. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking, my eyes flooded with tears.

I ran out of my living room and collapsed on my bed. My hands were shaking. I couldn't believe that this was happening. It was my absolute worst nightmare. It was a level of pain I'd never felt before. It was so immense. I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating.

I laid in bed for almost twenty minutes, just sobbing my eyes out. Reading the flooding messages, I never knew what to say. I couldn't be mad at her. I was hurt, but not mad. She said she was unhappy and needed to be alone so she could find a way to get herself in a good place.

One of my closest friends of all, Mariah, didn't buy that. I want to believe that she just needs time to herself. I want that to be the case. After all, she still wants to be friends.

As much as I want to keep her in my life, only being friends is almost as painful as her breaking up with me on a never-ending loop. It's like being body slammed into the friendzone.

My mother wanted me to spend more time with her. I still couldn't breathe. I was a burning hot mess. I walked out into the hall, my legs shaking, my stomach in knots, and told her to leave me alone for the night. As soon as she saw me, she wouldn't let me be alone.

I kept screaming that I wanted to be alone. I just wanted to cry myself to sleep, maybe even suffocate myself in a rope of blankets. My mother wouldn't leave me alone. She thought I would end up doing something that I would regret later.

For the next hour and a half, I sat in the living room, telling my mom everything. I sat in a chair and sobbed throughout the night. I was burning up. I felt sick. I ended up choking on my own tears, practically making myself sick. My mom made me keep a cold rag on my face. I kept it over my eyes to try and soothe the burning tears.

The wound is still fresh. I can't comprehend it even still. Two and a half years; gone; just like that. The only person who was there for me when everyone else abandoned me in middle school. The only friend I had going into high school. My everything. The only thing that I ever wanted out of life. My reason to get up and keep going. My will to live. Now she's gone, and I doubt she's ever coming back.

I wouldn't be surprised if she "ghosted" me. I've proven rather easy to abandon over the years. Although she says she wants to be friends, I'm not sure that will last. I wouldn't blame her for abandoning me. I've always been too clingy, too needy, needing to talk all the time. Maybe it's because we're long distance or maybe I just wasn't good enough to keep her happy.

I loved her more than life itself, and I still do. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. Even though her breaking up with me felt like my heart had just been ripped out violently, I still wanted to make her happy. I have never loved someone the way I loved her.

After high school and college, I wanted to keep going. I wanted us to move in together. I wanted us to get married; work on our careers; make each other happy. I was even willing to consider having children with her in the future if that would make her happy. I wanted to be happy with her more than anything.

To some it will sound like naive teenage love, and maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's what we had. But even if that's true, it never meant that it couldn't have worked out in the end. I guess I just wasn't worth the hassle of trying. I guess it was just easier for her to do this alone. Maybe I just wasn't good enough.

Maybe I just wasn't good enough...

Maybe I just wasn't good enough...

Maybe I just wasn't good enough...