04 | stop trying
04
S T O P T R Y I N G
I'D SPENT ALL DAY Sunday hiding in my room and avoiding social media, dreading the fact that today - Monday - I'd have to actually socialize.
I was thirty minutes early for class. Late just wasn't my style, I guess. I liked getting there before everyone else so I could have my nose buried in a textbook, as opposed to the walk of shame that came with arriving late.
The 7:30 a.m. hallways were deathly quiet. My Oxford shoes clapped against the tile as I passed by the bluish-purple lockers, and a big picture of a panther was spread above them in shiny black paint. Though the fluorescent lights were as bright as they always were, there was something dark about the school at this hour.
I still hadn't told Jenny the truth. It was gonna be worse the longer I drew it out for, but... the thought of telling her made my skin crawl. Jenny was scary when she was angry, and I'd never done anything of this caliber before.
Wheels rumbled ahead, and with a frown, I looked up. Jolts raced across my skin. It was Ren, and my heart dropped to the speckled tile floor.
With a plaid shirt buttoned up all the way, he skateboarded slowly down the hall with his eyes glued to his phone screen, a big pair of thick-rimmed glasses on his face. I kept my head down. He'd asked if we could be friends and I'd rejected him (which I felt like shit about), so saying hi to each other was probably off limits.
So when his voice resounded through the empty hall, my chest raced.
"Ella."
I froze. Why did my simple name off his tongue give me chills? Ren had a voice as smooth as a clarinet, gentle yet strong, heavy yet temperate.
I faced him, hugged my binder and nibbled on my bottom lip. "Hey."
His expression was flat. "Did you finish the project?"
"No, I forgot."
I'd realized it just after Ms. Zhang had closed the drop-box.
"But I've always been a good student," I said, "so I'm gonna ask for a second chance."
Ren and I had homeroom together, Mr. Weber's Science class. Both Max and Jenny were in it too. The other class we had together was Graphic Design, but none of my friends were in it, and I didn't think Ren had any, either. Lakewood was a massive school, so it was easy to end up stuck in a class where you hardly knew anyone.
I think everyone knew Ren, though. I was pretty sure that every single person in our grade at least followed him on Instagram.
"Yeah, she'll probably be cool with it," he said. "I just barely finished mine on time."
I nodded. "I hope so."
Silence befell us. I hid the lower half of my face with my binder, rubbing the fabric against my skin, while Ren shifted his weight with one foot on his skateboard. Our eyes clashed for a brief moment, and my cheeks went up in flames.
"I should go," he said. "See you in class."
"Oh... okay. Bye."
He got on the skateboard and rode away. I skittered down the hall, holding my breath until my heart was on the edge of stopping.
I halted around the corner and took a deep breath. The off-white walls of the hallway pulsed around me. God, Ren was just a guy, but the damage he did to my nerves was catastrophic.
But he was gone now, so I continued on my way. Standing there like a weirdo wouldn't do me any good.
The school was kinda nice this early in the morning. Students passed by in groups of two or three, unlike the usual clusters that littered the building between breaks. I turned a corner and spotted Luisa digging into her locker. Her long, obsidian hair cascaded down her back in waves while a frilly pink dress complemented her slim frame. Honestly, I didn't know where she conjured the energy to look like a beauty queen every day, but she managed it.
I walked up to her as she touched up her eyebrows in the mirror of her locker.
"Hey," I said.
Luisa's mahogany-brown eyes caught mine in the reflection of her mirror. "Oh, hey."
"What's up?"
"Oh, you know."
Luisa smacked her lips and closed her locker, then faced me with a tense smile. She was probably still annoyed that we'd disappeared on Friday, but she hooked her arm in mine and walked the hall with me, anyway.
"Jenny told me about what happened with Ren," she said, her mouth gaping. "Can you believe that? Kinda makes me happy I got ditched, 'cause that sounds so embarrassing."
"Um, yeah." I brushed a curl behind my ear. "It was pretty awful."
"Yeah, but I mean, what did she expect? It was so freaking obvious that Ren didn't like her. He doesn't even follow her on Instagram. He even followed me back, and I've never had a class with him."
"Yeah."
Ugh, I hated talking about this.
"But that's not all that happened on Friday," I said. "Did she tell you about Max?"
"Yup. He totally likes her." Luisa's eyes softened. "Oh, I'm sorry, Ella. I know you liked him..."
I shook my head. "No, it's no big deal. I hardly know Max."
"Yeah, but still."
With everything going on in my head with Ren, I'd pretty much forgotten all about the crush I'd had on Max. If he and Jenny started dating, I'd probably be relieved, because maybe then the fall of me kissing Ren wouldn't be so hard.
Luisa and I turned a corner. Jenny walked down the hall with a frown on her lips and her brown hair styled in waves. A sense of dread twisted up my insides.
This was messed up. Since when was I scared of seeing my own best friend?
Luisa detached from me and sprung at Jenny. Jenny was the type of friend you hugged. I was the type of friend who stood back and watched. I mean, I was okay with that, but still. Sometimes I wished I could be the bubbly girl instead of the shy girl.
"I'm so-o sorry, Lu." Jenny grabbed Luisa's hands and gave her best puppy-dog eyes. "I didn't mean to ditch you, I swear."
"It's fine." She nudged her with a grin. "I get it. I can't believe Ren, though. I honestly thought he'd at least give you a chance. What an asshole."
My eyebrows came together. Luisa had said the exact opposite to me not even two minutes ago.
Whatever.
I didn't have an appetite to stand around and talk about Ren, so I stayed put as they walked.
"I'm gonna go to class," I said.
Luisa turned around and pouted. "Aw, come have breakfast with us!"
"No, that's okay. See you guys at lunch."
I turned and walked away before they could protest.
* * *
The entire day had dragged on in a haze, and by the end of it, the only thing I wanted to do was curl into a ball and never move again.
I walked up to my two-story pink brick house with my bag slung over my shoulder. Thank God Papa wasn't home - he was on a business trip out of the country, leaving my brothers in charge, so that was one less thing on my plate.
Was it normal for a child to fear their parent? Jenny and her dad got along great. But mine, well... I'd rather avoid his watchful eyes if I could.
I opened up the door and breathed in the comforting, yet somewhat unsettling, aroma of my home. It was like a mesh of potpourri and Febreze, but the maids must've just been here because the scent of lemon and chemicals hung in the air.
"Ella."
I lifted my head as I kicked off my shoes. Leaning against the archway to the kitchen were my two brothers, the clones, both the banes and saviours of my existence. Alexei popped a grape into his mouth as he leaned against the wall, while Feliks took a bite of his apple. With their blond hair and light eyebrows, pale blue eyes and robotic movements, I sometimes wondered if they were even human.
"I'm going to my room," I said. "I have to work at six."
"Hold up," Feliks said.
Alexei stood up straight. "You've been weird all weekend."
"Did something happen at the party?"
I shook my head. "It was fine. I'm just getting a lot of homework for the second week. Can I go now?"
They dismissed me with a wave of their hands. I slumped up the white-carpeted stairs to the second floor and pushed into my bedroom.
Finally.
I was so drained. Like Ren had said on Friday, it was like my blood had been sucked out. Lakewood High was one big vampire. I dropped my backpack on the hardwood floor and flopped onto my pink duvet, engulfed by eiderdown and linen.
I had about two hours before I had to leave for work. I could get in some extra flute practice, but Mr. Dozier, my music teacher, said that my talents were wasted on an instrument so many other students played. I sat up. My massive, golden harp rested before the window with beams of light illuminating it.
Now that was an instrument Mr. Dozier admired, but truthfully, it wasn't my personal favourite. I liked the flute. But we had a billion flute players, so I understood where Mr. Dozier was coming from.
With a sigh, I sat by the harp and played Pachelbel's Canon in D, but not even music could calm the raging tides in my heart. Images of both Jenny and Ren plagued my thoughts.
I dropped my hands from the strings and sighed. Fuck this - I was going online like a normal teenager.
I flopped on my bed and opened up my Macbook Air, then logged onto Facebook with a heavy sigh. Yes, I had the app on my phone, but I didn't bother checking it much during the day. I wasn't the type of person who got a million notifications, so when my page loaded and showed that I had thirty-two, I raised an eyebrow.
My mouth went dry. Ren had liked all of my profile pictures.
Every. Single. One.
Maybe it was no fucking surprise when a message from Jenny popped up on my screen, but to me, it was like an atomic bomb had just fallen from the sky. With shaky hands, I opened the message.
heyyyy ms. popular lol
hey 😛 what's up?
chillin. ren liked all your pics?
yeah I just saw that
kinda weird😅
yeah, I dunno!
The typing bubble appeared, then disappeared, then reappeared about five times before Jenny left me on read. I chewed on my thumb. Another message popped up on my screen from... Max?
Heyy
hey 😊
What's up Ella!
ntm, you?
Nada. Did you have any idea what Mr. Weeb was sayin in science today? I had nooo idea
haha, yeah, I got it 😛 biology can be hard
I might need you to tutor me 😀
How was I supposed to reply to that? Why was Max Orchard suddenly talking to me on Facebook?
I should've been happy. I'd always noticed Max and had a silent crush on him, so him initiating conversation with me should've been like a dream come true.
Except it wasn't.
The next person who messaged me was a cruel reminder of why.
hey
hi
I waited for Ren to send me another message. He read it but never started typing anything. After a few minutes of staring at the screen like a moron, I opened a new tab and logged onto my student portal. Another five minutes passed, and Ren still hadn't replied.
He was online. Irritation flushed through me. Why the hell did he message me if he wasn't gonna say anything?
That annoyed me. I didn't mind Ren as a person, but I hated mind games. If he wasn't gonna talk to me, then fine - I had to get ready for work, anyway.
My heart sank deep into my chest. Shit - tonight was Ren's first shift.
* * *
Marcia Barnett was the second owner of Vestige, otherwise known as Joe's wife. She was an unusually short woman (4'9, according to her), with gentle brown curls and soft crow's feet showing her old age. She clasped her hands together with a pleasant smile as she faced Ren and I in the kitchen. The restaurant was closed, and our last cook - Gary - was rattling metal around as he cleaned up.
"You did fantastic for your first day, Ren," Marcia said in her sing-song voice, then looked at me. "And you were a huge help. Thank you so much, Ella."
My cheeks flushed. "Oh, no problem at all. I tried."
The truth was, I'd hardly needed to train Ren at all. He'd worked in a restaurant before and knew the drill, which was good for me because it meant I had substantial time away from him to breathe.
He'd come in black pants and a matching button-up shirt with an accent of red on each sleeve. Ren was colourless, yet that darkness was his colour. And it looked really damn good on him.
"Well," Marcia said, "I'm off to count the till. You're both welcome to head home."
We thanked her and went over to the lockers in the back. I held my hands and looked at my feet. My heart hadn't stopped pounding since the moment he'd walked into the restaurant.
"How you getting home?" he asked.
I glanced at his tall figure as I leaned down and opened up my locker. "Walking."
"It's kinda late, isn't it? You want me to walk with you?"
"Thanks, but I'm okay. It's only 9:30."
He nodded. "Sorry. I won't overstep my boundaries."
I looked away. "Thank you."
Something else had been eating away at my gut, and it wasn't just Ren's presence. It was the lack of his presence in my inbox.
I pulled my purple Lakewood hoodie over my body and patted down my wild hair. "Why'd you inbox me earlier?"
Ren shrugged on his black jacket. "Huh?"
"You messaged me. I messaged you back, but you didn't reply."
"Oh." A mischievous smirk tugged at his lips. "That bothered you?"
I scowled and turned around. "Forget it."
If he was gonna play games like that, then I was gonna ignore his existence entirely.
A gentle, magnetic touch stopped me from storming away. My breath hitched in my throat as I faced him. His eyes were as black as the tiled floor, yet the light from above glimmered a shade of blue into them.
"I wasn't trying to fuck with you," he said. "My sister came home and it slipped my mind. Sorry."
He dropped his hand, and my pulse became a singing chorus in my ears. It'd be easy to hate Ren if he was an asshole all the time, but he wasn't. He was actually really nice to me. And to be honest, most guys were either neutral toward me or ignored me entirely, with the exception of a few friends from school.
I swallowed. Hard. Ren's hypnotic trance on me wasn't waning.
This is bad.
"It's okay." I hugged myself and avoided his eyes. "And I wanted to say sorry, too. For the weekend."
"What do you have to be sorry for?"
"You said we should be friends, and I said no. That was rude of me."
"It's fine. I said that I understood." Ren's devilish grin widened. "Not that I'd stop trying."
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