June 1st, 2015.

Word: Six letters; the third letter is G.

Clue: It makes you feel sad and is often associated with disappointment.

Time never heals the pain. It just makes you numb. Even now, I can feel the pain like I broke up with him just yesterday.

Skimming through the dozens of photographs, I stop at the one which makes my heart ache.I always look at this to make sure I never forget that someone loved me for who I am. Unfortunately, I have never cherished the feeling of love, fearing for my future. Now, I don't have any future. 

It's funny, how we think that things would work out the way we want to, but in truth, they never would. I feel pity for myself because I am the one to be blamed for this. I have learned my lesson that time is crucial, but it's too late now.

The picture in front of me is a blur. I touch my cheeks and find that I am crying. I hastily try to wipe the tears away but, in vain. I hiccup, and attempt to concentrate on the picture reminiscing the once beautiful bliss of my life, but all I could think is the pain I have caused him. 

I feel angry at myself that I should have at least cared for him enough to break up without being rude. I still replay the whole conversation every day thinking how I could have done it better. I know that the damage is done, but still, deep inside I hope that we could be together again.

It's been a year since I have left him. He has never tried to contact me again. It pains me that he forgot that I exist. I made him do that but still it doesn't hurt less. I expected him to knock the door the next day, but he didn't. I waited for days but still didn't hear anything from him. I have lost hope, and loneliness has been keeping me company since then.

My eyes ache as they have excreted far more tears than recommended. I don't think they are enough for my heartache to go away. I know that he would never come again, and this caused to release the dam of water once again. I have never cried for this long, and I wonder if the tears would ever stop.

Ever since that horrible day, my eyes have been stuck in two modes: weeping and sleeping. Lying on the bed, I place the album on my chest and sob loudly for my lost love. I take a look at the guy in the picture. He was smiling looking at me, but I was scowling. What wouldn't I give to get back that time? 

My gaze sweeps past from the albums to the unopened boxes lying all over the place and stops on the one which has a name on it. I smile ruefully thinking that I have never deserved him in the first place. I stumble to the box and open it. Moisture glistens my eyes again. These are the only things which keep me sane. I tenderly touch the possessions which are the only things I care about and sigh contentedly.

I take out the golden chain from the box which is the last gift I have received from him. I trace the pattern of the heart shaped pendant attached to the chain. I open the pendant to watch the all too familiar letter C engraved inside it. I caress the letter affectionately and embrace the pendant crying wistfully. 

I don't know how long I have been crying, but the tears don't stop. I carefully wear the chain around my neck and stand up. I go to the bathroom to wash my face. Splashing some water on my face I take a look in the mirror to find that my eyes are swollen and my cheeks are pale. I look like a ghost to put it correctly. Unable to look at myself, I carefully grip the door of the door after a moment and walk gently to my bed.

Today is the day I broke up with him last year. I still couldn't believe that I didn't talk to him for a year. My life after that break up has never been the same.

For the first three months after the break-up, I barely ate and cried abundantly which could fill thousands of Kinley water bottles saving the trouble for them to pay for the water. After shedding gallons of tears, I used to sleep due to exhaustion.

One day I have cried myself to sleep and didn't wake up for many hours. My aunt coincidentally came to visit me that day, and I didn't open the door. She made the watchman break the door and found me lying on the floor unconscious. She was worried and stayed with me for some time. I have never told her the complete truth. She still thinks that we took some time off, and I intend to keep it that way. I don't want my only family to worry about me constantly. 

After that day, I never cried around her afraid that she would connect the dots, and I don't want her to feel bad that I didn't tell her the truth. I avoided her mostly by staying at the school volunteering until the evening and excusing myself to prepare to teach for the next day at night, but all I did was crying myself to sleep. I did that for another three months fully aware that she knew what I did inside. I had to put a stop to my crying ritual as she questioned me one day. 

She tried to make me socialize. Whenever she was going out, she would take me with her, and I didn't have time to cry. As time passed, I have stopped crying, and I have become numb now. She made me promise that I would get better and in fact, I am getting better -- remembering everything about him.  I have been successful from the time she left. I have stopped crying as I made a mess of my life- and there is no point in complaining.

But, today is not any other day. It is the day I have lost everything which I deeply regret. I tried several times to talk to him, but his number always went to voicemail. I then realized that fate gives you exactly what you deserve. I understood what it is like to be ignored and hurt. 

It's ironic how he hated my tears then, but now he is the reason I am crying. I tried to meet him to talk, but realizing that I was accustomed to his smiling face and no other expressions, I dropped it. I still feel like I should have met him.

I know deep inside that our relationship was bound to be doomed, but I expected that it would be his doing. He would realize that I was not worthy, that he could do better, and would leave me. I have imagined these scenarios inside my head far more times than the total number of galaxies in the universe, but still, it doesn't make anything better.

After my aunt has left, I did everything in my power to become normal. I then realized that I was kidding myself. I still was the same. Being lonely made me realize that I was not company worthy for anyone-- not even for him. That made me sink into massive depression for another three months. 

I have only one friend, but I don't think she thinks of me as a friend as I have been avoiding her for the past one year. I am officially alone now- not that I want to be with anyone. But it hurts that I don't have anyone to share my feelings. Realizing that, I tried harder to forget him, but the realization hit me like a hurricane as everything in my room involves him. 

I have been floating in my poor fairy tale-- involving gallons of tears, loads of painful memories and hours of staring into space, for the past year. It makes me feel like a pregnant woman who is late for delivery. It is dangerous if the baby doesn't come out. Same with me. I need to release my pent up frustration, sadness and all kind of emotions known to humankind before it kills me, but I am not ready yet-- even if it is dangerous. It means forgetting him, and I don't want to do that thing even if it means that I would die.

Sadly, reality came crashing down the next day, in the form of bills. I didn't work for nearly a year, and I have nothing expect for the money I saved for my future as I can't keep on using my aunt's money. I have promised myself that I would never touch it and with determination, I went job hunting. Freshly graduated in Computer Sciences, I have grabbed an opportunity as a school teacher as I don't have the confidence to lead a normal life. 

I have been working as a high school teacher since then. There is no pressure, but the salary doesn't cover much, and hence stacks of bills are waiting to be paid. I don't have any other alternative other than to take up a job relevant to my education. But. I don't have confidence that I am ready to face giddy high school teenagers and freshly honeymoon returned couples walking on the streets.

One day I couldn't control it and broke into hysterics and felt like dying. Then I have realized that I couldn't look at my room without crying. I have moved into this place today and still have to unpack the boxes. As I have been not eating regularly, I don't have any energy left to unpack. I realize that a headache is coming, and I close my eyes to perform my favorite task- dreaming about him. 

The last thing I remember is that it is around one in the midnight, and I still haven't figured out what to do with my life even after a year.

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Everything will be revealed eventually.

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Love,

Teju xx.