Hi, my name is Ricardo Martínez, and my life, is kind of crazy.

Ah shit, where's that intro from? Something Disney? Eh, who cares. Anyways, I guess I'll be narrating this bit then (maybe the writer's experimenting with some shit, I don't know, but I probably shouldn't break the fourth wall, so back to the story).

Where were you guys? Oh yeah, this bunch of mildly sexy, extremely intimidating vigilantes were ready to slice my head off. The lil spiky one -Robin- looked especially keen: I did not want to bet my chances against that sharp sword and manic grin...Ayy that was scary man.

So yeah, a few months after joining that cult (some proper crazies), learning some cool magic (which did nothing to cure my geek-syndrome), and remaining 100% a virgin, I stood in front of THE Batman (and his creepy kids...I think they were his kids...I hope they were his kids...) with a very high chance of never walking again.

Oh and -quick detour- you know the goddess in my head? Aphrodite? THE Aphrodite. Yeah, she totally got me laid man, in like, less than a day. A trip to the wardrobe; a new, muy sexy hairstyle; and BAM!- we're in business baby! And by 'business' I mean biz-ness man! Sprinkle a little magic here, snort a little of Aphrodite's pixie dust there, get that good love everywhere!

But I'm getting wayyyy off track- back to the scary kid with the sword.

"What's your game?" He had said, lifting that sword of his worryingly close to my face: one centimetre forwards and he would have sliced my nose off!

I'd gotten the sense he wasn't talking about basketball.

See the thing about me is that I've never been that good at public speaking. So it's not really surprising that my response was something like, "Look- uh-man I-" at which point, the smooth-taking goddess in my head was seriously appreciated.

"What is your game, Anubis?" It was still weird hearing my own voice with Aphrodite in control. Majorly weird man. But more importantly, she'd just mentioned another god being in that kid (I presumed Anubis- who I knew was an Egyptian god- was in Robin rather than actually being him because...well that was just weird otherwise).

A few weeks before that, there had been a raid on our former base by some vigilantes and magicians (the infamous Constantine being one of them) that had made us change locations. I knew that something had gone wrong with a summoning spell that night- a summoning spell for a god of death. We'd lost more than half our number in that one night- and man did that lessen my chances of getting some- none dead though. And even when we started being more careful afterwards, it had become clear that this lot were on to us.

Then that poor girl died a few days before. My friend in the cult (Joe) said that she died trying to channel Thor, the Norse god.

That could have been me with Aphrodite.

But back to the storyline.

Robin's voice didn't change, however, when he spoke what Anubis apparently thought, "We are stopping this cult before it does any real damage." It did sting a little that Aphrodite seemed to be more in control of me than that Egyptian god was of him, but I'd learned that there were all different sorts of godly links with mortals: I soon found out for myself that it was true. "Are you in league with these occultists?"

Gosh, so direct. It reminded me of this kid I had a huuuuge crush on when I was, like, fourteen. Man, I've come a long, long way.

So, knowing that the knocked-out magicians (Larry, Priti and some other dudes -I think maybe Bob also-) would be waking up soon, I got started on quickly explaining my shit to the scary bunch. Now, just to make this  a better, more interesting thing to read -or hear or whatever- I might as well describe what the heck I was going through in that moment.

To put it one way, I was about to piss myself. Even with Aphrodite in my head, nudging me on (not physically of course) it was hard to shake off the glares. Maybe I would've survived just Batman's glare relatively easily, but all of them glaring together? Nu-uh, no way, gracias but no gracias (hey don't blame me my parents didn't try to make me properly learn Spanish growing up!).

I tried to look in to the eyes of one of them- the floaty, purple girl with the magical, glowing hands- and almost broke a bone recoiling in to myself. Of course, that only broke Aphrodite's attention, at which point she realised that two of them were also her current favourite mortals.

So of course, she had to go off on a tangent, using my body and my voice to express how 'lovely' it was to meet them in person (sort of) and how she 'simply had to' bestow her sparkly blessings of love all over them. To be fair though, they did look pretty cute together: in a terrifying, badass kind of way (even with what looked like pink glitter sprinkled all over them).

Batman cleared his threat, and my heart might as well have slammed up to my throat I jumped to badly. Why didn't he just rev a motorcycle in my ear while he was at it? It served its purposes anyway, and Aphrodite and me (fuck off i know it's supposed to be 'Aphrodite and I' but I'm trying to be less of a nerd okay, leave me alone) got back on topic.

Aaaand of course she handed the reins back to me.

"Well- uh... sorry what was the question again?"

The man standing besides Batman (the one and only Red Robin) filled in the blanks for me: "Are you working with these occultists?"

Heh...that was a difficult one to answer considering my hand were sweating like a pig at the butcher's and I was shaking as bad as a leaf in a hurricane (take that Miss Henderson, who says I can't use similes?). I remember looking down at my old cult-buddies and thinking that they'd probably set me on fire with a burning hex if they woke up and saw me betraying all their secrets.

Aphrodite spoke through me again, those soft Greek words that somehow translated themselves in my mind.

Sleep. Sleep. And don't awake until I command.

"Please looking at me like that and let me explain." I think I said, though it may have come out more like "Umgh... let me-please- speaking-"

In the end, I did get my explanation out- luckily enough, with some occasional help from Aphrodite, I managed to work up the confidence not to stutter every few words. By the time I had recounted up to us being sent on a mission to retrieve Aphrodite's sacred scarf-thing, I could sense Batman sizing me up: probably judging me.

Naturally, Aphrodite took it a completely different way and decided to flirt...with Batman...through me.

"I'm so so sorry, she kind of just does that sometimes." Was the quick apology that can as soon as Aphrodite gave me back control of my own lips.

While Red Robin seemed to be choking on something (which lokey ruined the aesthetic) Batman only glared a little sharper.

The witch of their group, Raven, broke off Robin's snickering by asking how they could be sure to trust me. Aphrodite might have said that her face was too gorgeous not to trust, but for once she seemed to be exercising that godly wisdom of hers (Athena be blessed) and held my hand out to the demon-witch.

I later learned that Aphrodite could sense Raven's empathic energy, but in that unknowing moment, all I felt was extremely, uncomfortably weird. Raven was intruding on my mind on a completely different way that Aphrodite. She was sharing my mind space. Raven was probing the things that left my mind. It's hard to explain, but you can think of it this way. Aphrodite was like something in my brain, Raven was in the waves that my brain created when I thought about things. At least, that's how Raven explained it to me a few days afterwards.

She wasn't looking for mental weakness, or for certain emotions; she was looking for the truth.

And when I stated, "I want to help you bring down this cult." Raven waited a moment before turning to the others and declaring that I was in the clear.

"He's telling the truth."

That's how I started working on the inside to bring down this cult.
Aaaaaaand I've left some potatoes in the oven that I need to check now. I think the regular old narrator will be in now.

Ricardo Martinez out!

***

"What do you think of him?" Raven asked, drumming her fingers on the kitchen island.

"Of who?" Damian set two cups down by Raven, sending thin trickles of smoke in to the air.

Taking advantage of her demonic imperviousness to heat, Raven pulled the cup immediately to her lips, turning around on her stool and raised an eyebrow at Damian.

He stood in front of her, arms folded, "Aphrodite's host?"

"Mhmm..."

"I think he is out of his depth. Far too much of a simpleton to fool a global cult filled with powerful magicians. TT." Damian nodded his head and picked up his tea, spitting it out as soon as the hear seated his tongue.

Almost breaking the cup as he chucked in on to the counter, Damian stuck his very red tongue out of his mouth waving his hands in front of his face, "Haar haar haaaar! (Hot hot hooot!)"

Raven smirked at his agony, easily drawing upon her cup.

Speaking with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, Damian grumbled, "Ith eathy tho you po thay! My thongue's bunt, nop yorth!"

Raven snorted, putting her tea to one side before laughing, "Alright alright, put your tongue back in your mouth, I'll fix it."

Suspicious, Damian slowly brought his blistering hot tongue back inside his mouth. As it turned out, Raven's healing technique was not something Damian was opposed to. She gave him a long, soft, kiss illuminated by purple light that hung to her lips like magic lipgloss.

When Raven pulled back, satisfied at having healed the inside of his mouth, Damian tested his tongue, sticking it to the roof of his mouth, then against his teeth, then out in to the warm air like a snake's. Finally he concluded that Raven's skills were so profound that he was contemplating burning his mouth again.

"I'll leave you in agony. Don't even try it."

That warning was enough to take that idea out of his mind.

A.N:

I am so fucking tired. I need sleep. I must sleep. I need to sleep now. I know this is a late update, but it was either this or update tomorrow evening.

But I really need to go upstairs to sleep- I'm so physically worn out.

I just...I love you guys so much, so very very very much, I hope you know that. Even if I don't know yo that well, I love you lot all the same. Sorry my writing has been a bit shitty lately.

All my love

-Bats