Copyright to VedaPettigrew

Hatred sat in my chest. Like sticky black tar, it stuck to my lungs, making it hard to breathe. Anger was its companion, causing the tar to boil as it bubbled through my body and crippling me with its intensity.

For a few days I shut down, barely noticing where I was as Dominic led me around with him. I stared out the window as I curled on the sofa, waiting for him to finish everything he needed to do. I ate mechanically when food was put in front of me. I showered with him, but the warm feeling I normally got by being groomed by my mate was lost. Nothing could survive in my body, not with the tar.

I was exhausted, even though I slept as much as a cat. Every movement was sluggish and heavy, so I moved as little as possible. I clung onto Dominic's hand whenever he forced me to get some fresh air. I was glad he did, Silver needed more than I could provide for her at the moment.

I couldn't face people. I couldn't talk. The thought of opening my mouth and talking about what I had discovered made the inside of my mouth turn to glue. I communicated with Dominic through our link, but everybody else had to deal with silence.

Well, Hammer and Joan had to. They were the only people I would see. I knew they were worried about me, but clueless how to help. I didn't know either. It wasn't like my problem was usual. I allowed them near me, letting them pet me, trying to comfort me the best they knew.

My mind churned with images, real and imagined; Jeremy and his wandering hands. Seeing Amos out the window as I fought him off - the benefit of my new knowledge enabling me to picture him much more clearly. Seeing Amos dragging my father to his death. Seeing my father struggle and cry out, desperate to save himself for my sake.

It never ended.

The pictures playing on a loop stopped me from seeing anything around me, keeping me in the prison of my mind.

Time was meaningless, drifting pointlessly from one day to another. Nothing affected me, nothing changed. Until one miraculous day when we were all outside I felt Silver surge forward, insisting that I shift. I allowed it, hoping to feel some relief in her form. The others looked at me, surprised at my unannounced action. I hadn't even bothered to go and change my clothes first. They lay in a weird heap around me.

Silver wriggled out of them and turned to the treeline. Without waiting to see if the others were following she ran full tilt towards the forest, soon enough I heard the familiar beating of paws on the ground behind us.

She led us through familiar dells and leafy caverns, I didn't know where she was going, but I felt the same pull she did. We were being led somewhere.

We started travelling through parts of the territory I hadn't explored yet and looked around in amazement at the beauty of the area. Flowers were growing in abundance, their scent filling me with something wonderful. The battle between its delicate tendrils and the disgusting black tar coating my insides was hopelessly one-sided, but I appreciated the brief respite the beauteous nature brought.

I hoped the scent would win. Carrying around such anger and hatred felt foreign to me. It didn't help me in any way except not letting me forget anything. I just relived it over and over without the sense of closure. Yes, Amos and Jeremy had both been punished, but it didn't bring me peace. My father was still dead.

I followed a stream that seemed almost golden in the way that the light bounced from its dancing waters. Its fresh smell joined the fight against the tar and I relished in feeling even the tiniest bit clean.

Silver jumped in the water. It was warm, heated by the intense summer. She plundered the deeper water, lifting her feet to swim for the first time. I felt Dominic's panic spike through our link, I had been having swimming lessons in the lake when the water was calm and flat. This stream was rapidly getting larger, becoming a river.

A fast moving river that could carry me off. I felt his thought rather than heard it.

Three splashes resound behind us as Honey, Jet and Alarick followed quickly. I was glad they did, we wanted them there. Silver followed the pull to the other side of the river and trotted out of the water, shaking out her sodden fur then dashing towards a large line of trees. Large pale green leaves and silver trunks spread out before us and we plunged headlong towards them.

As we passed between the trunks I felt something magical. Ori was here. I felt her presence so strongly I expected to be able to see her. I dashed around the field, looking for her in the long grass, but I couldn't find her much to my disappointment. The field was surrounded by a line of trees on each side, creating a silent, protected square.

A sense of peace permeated the air and I knew this was Ori's field. Her place. She had called us here. We ran to the centre of the field and sat, nose in the air as the soft wind riffled through our silver fur.

I wanted the feeling that was outside my body to be inside. I didn't want to live with the darkness I was carrying. I heard a whine and turned to see the three wolves that had accompanied me outside the treeline. Somehow they couldn't enter.

This was a moment for us. For Ori and me.

I bowed my head to my creator. "Help me Ori," I cried. "I hate them. I hate Jeremy all over again. I hate Amos more though. I want to hurt them, destroy them. Just like they destroyed me."

Did they destroy you? Her voice carried on the wind. You're still here. You have love in your life. 

"They stole from me. Amos took something so precious from me. I can't stop thinking about what my father went through," I sobbed.

I know my love, it was an awful moment for him, she wrapped around my senses. But he wasn't alone. I was with him the whole time, he knew I was there.

Light filled me, of course she was. Why had I not thought of that?

You can't see much in that blackness you are holding onto.

"I'm not holding onto it," I argued indignantly. "I can't get rid of it. It's stuck to me, coating everything. I feel so trapped in it. Please can you help me? Please take it away."

The oozing, dark tar, vanished completely. Instead my insides filled with light and flowery scent, the smell of fresh clean water and cut grass took up residence in every crevice and I collapsed to the ground in awe.

"Thank you, oh thank you."

Are you willing to work to keep it away? It will come back unless you forgive them.

Horror filled me - Forgive? Never. Creeping tendrils of tar wound round my heart again. "Nooo," I cried. "Please no. Why won't it stay away?"

Unless you forgive, hatred and bitterness will always have a hold of you. It will always be able to get back in.

"How can I forgive Amos? He did nothing but hurt me again and again. He wouldn't even want my forgiveness, he has nothing but evil in his heart. I can't let go of what he did. I don't even want to, I want him to suffer my hatred. What he did was unforgivable."

Do you think he feels it? The hatred? Do your feelings affect him in any way? Or is the only person it hurts you?

That stopped me in my tracks. She had a point, my gungy well of hatred and anger was surely only bothering me, dragging only me down. Amos couldn't feel it, it wouldn't disturb him at all. But yet, the thought of pardoning the man who orchestrated the evil events in my life was physically repellent. He didn't deserve forgiveness.

Nobody deserves forgiveness. We forgive because we love.

"I don't love him," I ranted.

You should love yourself enough to let go. You should want to seek the light again.

"I do want the light," I pleaded desperately against the tendrils of darkness increasing their hold once more. "Oh Ori, please help me want to forgive. That's all I can ask at the moment. I can't honestly say I want to forgive, but I want to want to. I want to be free of the power it holds over me. Is that enough?"

Yes my love, for now. I shall help you want to forgive.

The barrier opened and three wolves started barrelling towards us. Silver rolled onto her side as they came closer. They flopped around us, each head laying over a part of Silver's body in a show of support and affection. We lay together in a heap, no mindinking, no thought of moving, just enjoying the mystical field that surrounded us with a sense of peace.

"I'll come back Ori. Thank you for showing me this place."

Bring others with you. Bring my new wolves, let them experience the closeness we can have. Bring them here and teach them about me in greater depth. You carry the Origins within you. You can lead the others to all my truths.

"I will," I promised. "But will I ever find the real thing?"

Yes. Just keep searching. Let Silver guide you, I'll guide her. But be aware, you may be asked to do things you don't want. You need to trust me.

"I do trust you."

Remember that.

We fell asleep in the sun, our mini pack of family wrapped around each other in our fur. When we awoke something had shifted in me. I felt freer, lighter somehow. The tar was still there, I wasn't ready to forgive, and still carried the anger and hate, but knowing I was working on it was enough to shift the heaviest, darkest gunge.

It was enough to come back to the real world, much to Dominic's delight.

I spent the next week on lighter duties, my heart too tender to deal with any stress. I left my desk in Dominic's office and worked on organising our new women's group activities. Our first venture was a regular coffee morning to run on the first Monday of every month. We planned to launch it next month.

Joan was still working on the law books. Painstakingly writing out how each simple law became so long and convoluted that the original meaning was lost. She showed me each one as she finished and I was amazed, not only at her diligence, but also the stupidity of man.

The way things got so twisted was mind-boggling. You could see the sweet little stream turn into an angry raging river with each new stroke of a pen.

It was all so clear once you put it together, I had to hope it would be enough for Dominic if we didn't find the Origins soon. I thought we should present her findings to him as soon as she had finished deciphering the mess. Even if we hadn't found the Origins.

When I proposed this idea to her, she said that doing the whole law would take years. We decided a representative sample of each area would be enough. I thought even one rule's progression should be enough to make the point.

Take this one for example. The first rule. In the first law book it simply stated that we should love Original and follow her way.

The second book said we should love and follow her because she created us.

The third book said we should love and follow her, our creator, because it was the wise thing to do.

The fourth book said it was wise to follow Original, that we should love our creator by following all her laws.

The fifth book said that following the law was the only way to love Original fully. That loving her was wise and we should desire wisdom. To be wise was our goal.

The sixth book said we should love wisdom. That the wise were the ones who deserved to love our creator. Obedience to the law was paramount to gain wisdom. The law should be read out regularly to avoid ignorance as an excuse.

The seventh book said pretty much the same but the eighth book had yet another addition, claiming that Original should only be made known to the wise, the followers of the law. That any who did not know of her, did not deserve to love her.

The ninth book said that loving Original was only permitted among the wise. That our leaders were wise therefore they deserved the knowledge of her above all others and should strive to keep her a secret from the undeserving. The common wolf.

The tenth book said that only those who studied the law would be taught about Original. That loving her would be a decision they would make upon understanding her law better.

The eleventh book was the same. I don't know what the twelfth said, it wasn't with the others, I guess because it was in current use.

So, over the course of time, the beautiful and simple command of loving Original our creator was distorted beyond recognition. It was the same story with all the rules. Everything ruined by people adding unnecessary things to improve the simple commands.

The development of the way we now viewed the different types of wolf was painful to see. It started in the first law book as a brief description of each group - Alphas were leaders, omegas were creative, pis had the brains, upsilons cared deeply for others. Each group had its merits, each was important.

Simple enough yet warped into the horrific ranking system we now held.

Dominic must surely be able to see the truth, I had to believe he would see the need to revert back to the way things should be.

But I still wanted to see how the first law book differed from the Origins. Even slight differences mattered. I wanted to find them soon, desperate to beat Dominic. He had given me an extra week to make up for the one I had lost in the fog, but it was looking unlikely that I would have him as my slave as I still had no real idea where they were.

In a little meeting with Brogan, Hammer and Joan, we decided Joan and I should both go back to Stone Mountain. Joan, because she knew the packlands so well. Me, because knowing my parents might give me clues to what they would have done with the precious documents.

The thought of being in the same room as my original Starfish was heavenly. I missed them so much. The video calls were great, but didn't match up to the real thing. However, when I floated the idea past Dominic, he said he couldn't spare the time to go back and he didn't want me to go alone while I was so vulnerable.

I wanted to argue with him, but the thought of not having him nearby made me have a mini panic attack, so I decided he was right – at the moment I needed him close.

Which meant that finding the Origins was looking impossible. Grrr. If I didn't know how busy he was, I might have accused him of sabotage. I knew he wanted to win the bet too.

The lighthearted teasing between us was a massive step forward for me from the hollowness of last week, one I was thankful for.

The promise that Ori made had been running in gentle rivulets through my mind, gradually changing my refusal to consider forgiveness. I didn't think they deserved it, but slowly I could feel a change reshaping my heart of stone.

I truly wanted to let go of the hatred and anger, carrying it around was a heavy burden. If I forgave them, I would reap the benefits.

Yet -  I still didn't want to.

But then I sort of did.

It was another cycle of difficult decisions, going round and round. But I was okay with that. I may not have been ready to forgive, but I had hope that I would be free of the torment one day. It was a process and I was just at the beginning.

This morning, Silver woke me while it was still dark, the sun hiding behind the horizon. I lay in Dominic's embrace and felt her pushing me to visit Amos. I quickly rejected the idea, I didn't want to see him ever again.

But she didn't give up. All through the night until I got up, the idea ticked over in my mind. Then through the morning, everything I did was accompanied by the push. I ignored it as best I could, but confessed it to Joan while the two of us were having lunch.

"Didn't you say that Ori might ask you to do something you didn't want to?" She'd spoken around her salad.

"Yeah, but that was to do with finding the Origins." I had argued, viciously stabbing a crispy piece of pepper.

"Do you think that matters? You don't think you should obey her push whatever?" She'd asked innocently, hitting the nail I was avoiding, right on the head.

So here I was, standing at the entrance to the prison, five protectors behind me plus Hammer reluctantly by my side. Joan had stayed behind, Hammer would have a split focus if she came and she knew I was the one who needed it the most.

Dominic wasn't here because he'd point blank ordered me not to come. He thought it was a terrible idea that couldn't achieve anything of value. He didn't understand the push.

Hammer had to call on Jet to help him disobey one alpha for another. He didn't like it, but he did understand the push. I had to be here, so he brought me.

"I would feel a whole lot better about this if you weren't trembling like a mouse," he grumbled putting his arm around me. The guards looked askew at his familiarity but had received the updated rule concerning his permission to touch me so did nothing.

I leant into him, "I know."

"You don't actually want to do this do you?" he guessed suddenly.

"No," I sighed in a small voice.

"Then why are you?" he growled crossly.

"Because of the push. It's the only reason I'm here to be honest."

"Just that?"

"Don't be so cynical," I leant my head on the side of his chest as the gate was unlocked. "It's the only reason I need. If Ori tells you to do something, you do it. No matter how you feel about it."

We were led into the main entryway, Hammer grumbling under his breath, but I felt his acceptance of my explanation. I hated lying to Dominic, but it was a lie of hiding and omission more than anything else.

He still thought he had the right to order me about as a man to a woman and I merely let him believe I was going to obey him.

I ignored the niggle of guilt telling me I should have worked on him for a bit to try and persuade him to agree to my request. Once I made the decision to visit the prison, I couldn't hang around. I wanted to get it over with.

I had no idea what I was going to say to the man. I dreaded that he wouldn't have an ounce of remorse and knew it would make forgiving him even more impossible.

"It'll be alright Luna," Hammer kissed the top of my head, ruining the formal title he used as a cover up for our affectionate relationship. More odd glances were cast our way but my protectors' growls made the accusing eyes turn away.

We were led through a maze of corridors, I would be hopelessly lost if I tried to navigate this place on my own. It would take years to memorise. As we got closer to the centre of the prison I could smell the overpowering stench of lonely, desperate men and tried to breath lightly. Women were kept in the same building, but separated from the males, I was glad not to be overpowered by their scent too.

We walked towards the visitors room and I wondered what crimes had been committed by those held here, and whether the perpetrators felt they were worth it now they were stuck in a prison cell unable to shift more than once a fortnight, and even then only under very strict conditions.

Would many of them choose the same path again if they knew the outcome?

As we were walking past a large metal door Silver leapt towards it, taking me with her. Hammer looked at me oddly. "I need to go down here," I hissed to him. I nodded to Silver who was energetically clawing at the door.

He nodded and called to the guard leading us. "That door, where does it go?"

"Traitors ward," the brutish man barked. "Come on, this way."

"No." Hammer denied even as dread filled me. Traitors. Was Max down there? Was he the one I was being pushed towards? I hadn't even thought about him. "We need to go this way," I didn't have time to debate further, Hammer's order was obeyed instantaneously. The perks of being one of the highest in command.

The door swung open silently, thwarting my expectation that it would screech and make me jump. The guard stood in the doorway, "Who do you want to see? The man you wanted isn't in here."

Hammer looked at me and I gave a tiny shrug, he returned his steel gaze to the guard. "Just walk."

We entered a dimly lit corridor leading to another steel door. Then another, then another. We finally went through a door that led us into another world. In front of us was a huge square area, each wall made up of a row of cells. The roof was open, letting the sunlight flood in and the fronts of the cells had men hanging through the bars soaking it up.

Hammer waited for me and I gave Silver her head, she knew more than I did. She put our nose into the air and took a deep sniff.

There.

Underneath the layers of sweat, testosterone, blood, aftershave, deodorant, body odour and general stink, was a scent of someone I knew. The scent was embedded deep in my memory and although I couldn't recall who it was, I knew it was who I was here to see.

I ignored all the catcalls as I followed my nose. My protectors were surrounding me in close quarters hiding me from sight, but it didn't stop the derogatory terms being yelled my way. I froze as I caught Max's scent.

Jasper put his hand on my shoulder, "Is he who we're here to see?"

I shook my head and found myself being propelled forward. The familiar scent caught my nose again and my body reacted without thought, warmth spread over me as I headed in its direction. I had to know who it was.

A tantalising memory hung just outside view. The scent got stronger and I knew I was close. The cell must only be ...

"GRETA!" Dominic's voice roared behind me and everyone present fell to their faces, such was his anger.

Oops.