I'm so fucking selfish, and I don't deserve to have Briar or her family in my life.

It's only been a few days since my parents threw me out, but it feels like I've been staying at Everett's house for years. The first morning I was here, Briar, Thera, and Marlowe immediately took me shopping for more clothes and anything else I might need. When we got home, Gareth and Everett had some Filipino dishes ready for lunch and dinner. I know they meant to make me feel better, but this only built up the dread settling on my chest. I'm sure they have other things to worry about. They don't have to worry about me on top of everything else.

And yet, they are worried about me. Otherwise, they wouldn't have gotten me a new phone with all their contact information already added in along with all the clothes. I try to shove it back in Briar's hand the moment she gives it to me, rambling that I absolutely cannot accept this from them when they're already doing so much for me. Briar doesn't say anything the entire time I talk. She just listens, and the more she does, the more I start to dissolve into tears until she holds and comforts me. I eventually fall asleep on her bed and wake up alone with the phone on the bedside table with texts from Briar, her family, and Marlowe telling me they'll be a call or text away if I ever need them.

I don't know if I deserve that from any of them. It feels like I have to earn it, so I try to do chores when I can, but everyone is always quick to tell me not to worry about it and shoo me away. That leaves me to keep to myself in case I bother any of them. The best way to do that is to be out of the house. The most they can do is text or call me, but even if I'm off somewhere trying not to cry my eyes out, I tell them I'm fine and will be back by nightfall. If I'm too much of a bother, they might kick me out, and I don't want that to happen twice in my life. I don't know if I can take that.

The only time I'm even remotely at peace is when I'm beta-reading with Briar, getting lost in a different world. It's the best part of my day, so when we finish the manuscript, an abyss opens up inside me. I try to force it to close up around other people, but it's hard. Almost impossible when Gareth's six-week break is up and I have to talk about the draft with him and Briar. I don't want to sit at the kitchen table with them, but I feel like I already promised I would, so I do.

Briar sends her dad the Google Doc with all our comments and highlights. Gareth spends a few minutes reading through them. While he does, I stare at a point on the wall. I try not to think about anything except throwing all my emotions into the abyss and closing it up. I know it'll pry itself open the moment we start talking about Hien and Hai's parents, but maybe doing this now will delay it.

Actually... maybe it's not a good idea for me to be here after all. I know I'll be biased. Gareth deserves a better beta reader than that. A better one than me.

I feel something brush against my hand. I blink and glance at Briar. Her hand closes more firmly around mine.

"You okay?" she mouths.

No. I'm not. But I don't want her to worry, so I nod and grasp her hand. I run my thumb over her knuckles and focus on the wall again, so she can't read too much into my expression. Hopefully, I don't even have an expression for her to read into. This is my problem. Not hers. And I don't want to dump all of this on Briar and her family. But I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing. I have a brand new phone and wardrobe to prove it.

"So you guys hate it," Gareth says, drawing me from my thoughts.

"Not hate," Briar corrects him, resting her elbow on the table. "It just feels... not finished..." Gareth raises his eyebrows, waiting for an elaboration. "The plot is fine, and it seems sound. It's the characters."

Yep. They're a problem. So are my paren—Nevermind. Better not to think about it.

Gareth nods, leaning forward. "What about them?"

"We spent years hating Hien and Hai's parents," Briar says. "And it feels like you expect us to like them a little too soon even before they get too far in Địa Ngục. I think you make them realize they're in the wrong before they even get to Phạt Cung. It's almost like they're not the same people they were in the original series if they're realizing how wrong they were so soon."

As in they're not as controlling. Entitled. Defensive. Arrogant.

"What do you think, Idris?"

I blink, shaking my head a little. Gareth and Briar are both looking at me. I swallow and say, "Pretty much everything Briar said. It's a little unrealistic to expect your readers to think Hien's parents can realize their wrongs that fast."

Is it unrealistic of me to think my parents can realize their wrongs that fast...?

Briar squeezes my hand as she turns to her dad. "I get that it's a redemption story and they're meant to change, but it's almost like they've completely changed the moment they died and ended up in the Underworld which kind of defeats the purpose of having to go through the caverns in the first place."

Gareth nods, considering that. "Makes sense. I guess I was just thinking that they died pretty peacefully in the last book, so they would've had some time for reflection about how they acted while they were alive. Do you think that justifies why they're a little different?"

"No," I blurt before I can stop myself. Briar and Gareth turn to me, their eyebrows raised ever so slightly. For whatever reason, this makes something in me snap. I sit up and add, "Hien's parents have always been strict, impatient, arrogant, and stubborn. No matter what happened in the original series—even when the fairy queen directly told them that they weren't living up to how Vietnamese people are always supposed to be there for each other, especially their kids—they thought they were in the right. So, no, it doesn't make sense that they'd be a little different just because they had a chance to reflect on their lives before they died. If anything, they'd take that time to congratulate themselves on being great people."

Heat simmers in my chest, and it's hard to breathe. I swallow and sit back, but that doesn't make the anger go away. It sits there, settling like it should've always been there.

Gareth nods slowly. "I get what you mean, but parents—"

The anger explodes. "Not all parents are like yours. Not all parents can be redeemed. Definitely not Hien's."

And maybe not mine.

No one says anything. I feel Briar and Gareth stare at me. The heat subsides to numbness like it burned itself out and needs to rest, but that doesn't make it any easier to breathe. I mumble an excuse and leave the table. I head straight for the front door, shutting it behind me without a word. I slump down on the porch swing and stare straight ahead, forcing myself to take deep breaths. But that's a mistake because the numbness subsides to sadness.

The front door opens and Briar steps outside, shutting it behind her. "Are you okay?"

I don't look at her. "Not really."

"Do you want company or do you want to be by yourself right now?"

I don't want to accidentally blow up at Briar, but I always love having her around. So if I can keep my temper in check, then... "You can stay."

She sits next to me, making the swing sway. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Not especially but I probably should. So I take her hand, staring straight ahead at the quiet street. "I don't know for sure how I feel anymore, but I want to be pissed. Or numb. Either one is fine." I let go of her hand to pace the porch. "I want to be mad at my parents, and I know I have the right to be mad at them. But it feels like I miss them and I miss having them around." I pause and turn to Briar. "Does that make sense?"

She nods, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Yeah. It makes sense."

Wait, it does? I throw my hands out. "How?"

"Because—" she stands and takes my hand "—your parents have been there your entire life. They were toxic and controlling, but they're still your parents. So..." She inhales and gives me a meaningful look. She says her next words slowly. "Maybe you miss the idea of having parents. Not your actual parents."

The idea of having parents... Not my actual parents... I pull my hands out of Briar's and turn away to grip the porch railing and stare out at the street. Is that a thing? Missing the idea of parents? Of people who are supposed to be caring and supportive and love you no matter what?"

The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I wonder if that's how Hien and Hai felt after their parents died. Gareth never went into detail about that, but if he's writing his new book to redeem their parents, maybe he misses—missed—the idea of parents. And maybe that's why he finally decided Everett redeemed himself. The shift between them isn't hard to miss. Wonder if I'll ever get that with my parents...

I'm not too sure at this point.

I swallow and turn to Briar. "Do you think parents can be redeemed?"

She inhales, her eyebrows furrowing. "I think some parents can be redeemed. It depends on what they did and what they're doing to try and fix it."

That makes sense, but if that's what she thinks... "Do you think Everett redeemed himself?"

She blinks, slowly straightening. I focus on those amazing amber eyes. Usually in this light, they would look like they're glowing, but they're dim right now. I can see the gears turning in Briar's head as she thinks through her answer.

"Yeah." She wrings her hands. "I think he redeemed himself. He's on good terms with my dad now, so I guess he is."

"Has he redeemed himself to you?"

Briar freezes. She runs her hands down the front of her dress as she leans against the porch railing. "I think... that's complicated..."

What the fuck? Is she shutting me out right now? A heaviness settles over my chest. I have to let out a breath and turn away to calm down. I cross my arms and rest them on the porch railing, digging my nails into my arms. The sun burns into my eyes, but I lean farther out until sunlight hits my entire face anyway. "That's not an answer, Briar."

She runs her hand along the railing. "I know..." She takes a deep breath, the porch railing creaking under her grip. "I guess... I was riding on the fact that he'd still be against my dad doing whatever he wanted." What? "Because if he was against it, then he'd be against me wanting to perform." What? "And if he was against that, then I could always use that as an excuse to not perform at all."

I let that sink in, nodding slowly. "You wanted your choice to be taken away. Like the thing with Myron and feeling like you weren't sabotaging yourself for stopping on your own."

Briar nods. "Choice is scary. I'm glad my parents give me choices, but sometimes I don't trust myself to make the right choices. It's a lot less scary to blame people for not letting you have choices than it is to try and fail. Because at least then, it's not on you."

I take her hand. "You don't trust yourself that much?"

"Apparently not." She glances away. "I know it's not fair of me to pin all this on my grandpa just because I'm scared of failing. I think I knew the moment I got here that he wasn't a bad person. I was just mad that I couldn't use him as an excuse." Her knuckles turn white. "I came here this summer expecting him to be how my dad always talked about him. And when he wasn't... I still tried to make him out to be someone controlling who wouldn't listen to what I wanted, but really... he knew exactly what I wanted."

That... makes a lot of sense now that I'm thinking about it. I wrap my arms around Briar's waist, lifting her off her feet. She doesn't hesitate to wrap her arms around me, too. I bury my face in the crook of her neck.

"You know," I whisper against her skin, "I get the thought of failing is scary, but you should trust yourself to try again. Especially since you do have the choice." I set her down, but I keep my arms around her waist to keep her in place, so I can look in her eyes. Her mesmerizing amber eyes. "I didn't grow up having the choice to do anything. And when I did make choices..." I shrug and look away. "You know where that went."

She nods, sighing. "I know."

"I don't want you to throw away your choices just because you're scared. At least that option was there, you know? And you'll never know how it'll go if you never try." I swallow. "I don't think I ever even had that option to see how certain things would go." Briar's eyes darken. I brush a loose strand of hair out of her eyes as I study her. "Are you okay?"

She hums. "I'm okay. I just owe my grandpa an apology."

I press a kiss on her forehead. "Yes, you do."

"I'm also glad you're not Hai. That you're not Myron." She laughs. "He would've yelled at me instead of taking the time to explain all that." Asshole. "Besides, I came out here to comfort you, and you turned the conversation to me. Kind of like what Hien does with Lanh all the time."

I brush another kiss against her forehead. "Two-way thing. You're comforting me, too."

She pulls away, keeping her hands on my shoulders. "But are you okay?"

I feel my smile slip, and I have to look away as the heaviness settles on my chest again. I take a deep breath and meet her eyes. "I think I'm realizing that some parents can be redeemed for what they do, but not all of them. Maybe not my parents. Not after they kicked me out just because I was talking back or lying or doing things that all kids and teenagers do."

Briar lightly runs her fingers along my face, and I lean into her touch. "I don't think you're obligated to forgive them or believe that they can be redeemed. Especially if they've said and done things that hurt you your entire life. The same goes for your brother."

I step away from Briar, slumping down on the porch swing. I rest my forearms on my thighs and clasp my hands between my knees, keeping my eyes trained on the ground. "I know you're right. I don't want to care about them anymore when they've made it obvious they don't care about me unless I'm a certain way. But..." I dig my nails into my skin, relishing the pain. "I still do."

Briar kneels in front of me, taking my hands in hers. "I know. And that's one of the things I really like about you. That you're so caring and you feel a lot. But no matter how mad or upset you are, you don't take it out on anybody. Not even the people that made you upset. And that makes you—"

"Emotionally unstable."

Briar laughs, pressing our connected hands to her forehead. I have to smile no matter how tired I feel right now. Everything is always better when I get to listen to her melodic laugh and have her so close to me. When she looks up, I spiral into her eyes. The eyes I can never get enough of.

Briar kisses my hands and rests her chin on top of them. "I don't think you're emotionally unstable. I was gonna say you're emotionally intelligent. And the fact that you can sit here and connect with me—anyone really—is something special."

I smile, letting out a breathy laugh. This girl is everything... "Thanks, Briar." I swallow and look down. "I still wish I didn't care so much about my family and what they think about me, though."

"It's hard not to. I know it hurts, but it'll get better with time."

"I hope so." I glance at the front door and back to Briar. "Maybe we should head back in and finish giving your dad our thoughts."

I shouldn't have even walked out in the first place. Or blown up like that. Feels like I lost control. That's one thing I've internalized from my family: how to be in control of myself no matter what else is thrown at me. Wish that was the only thing I internalized from them.

Briar nods. I stand and pull her to her feet. Our eyes meet when she's at her full height, and I can't help but get lost in them for a second like I always do. But it's not just her eyes I get lost in. I get lost in her as a person. She really is amazing, and I want another moment with her, so I kiss her.

"What was that for?" she asks when I pull away.

"Because I wanted to," I say.

She laughs, nodding. "Guess you learned your lesson after our first kiss."

She has no idea. I kiss her one more time before leading the way inside. Everett is sitting with Gareth at the kitchen table now, and they glance up when we walk in. I feel Briar tense, and I squeeze her hand. She squeezes my hand back.

"Everything okay?" Gareth asks.

I nod, and we take our seats at the table again. "Yeah. I'm sorry for leaving like that."

Gareth smiles at me. "Don't apologize. I know you're going through a lot right now. Besides, you already gave me a lot to think about for the second draft."

I glance at Briar. "Is that a good thing?"

She laughs, shrugging. "It just means he'll bother you a lot about what you think."

Gareth presses a hand to his chest, leaning towards his daughter. "It's an honor to be bothered by me."

Briar makes a face, leaning back in her chair to look up the stairs. "Where's Mẹ when I need someone to roll my eyes with?"

Gareth laughs, reaching out to ruffle her hair. I smile. They're a cute family. I wish I'd known this my entire life. The thought makes my smile slip. Everett catches my eye from across the table, and I try to bring the smile back. He gives me an understanding look, and the smile falls completely. But it doesn't feel so bad. Not when I feel seen.

"We don't need to keep talking about the draft right now," Gareth says, sitting back. "And..." Gareth glances at Everett. They nod at each other. Gareth looks directly at me. "We actually wanted to ask you something, Idris."

I glance between them. "What is it?"

Everett leans forward. "We were thinking maybe we should have dinner with your family."

Briar immediately squeezes my hand under the table. I don't hesitate to grasp it more tightly. Why would they think this is a good idea when Briar and I already told them how much my family hates her? And after they kicked me out of the house and hate me now? I don't think we can survive an entire dinner with that much hate going around.

"Why?" I ask.

Gareth shuts his laptop. "Well, I know what it's like to be on bad terms with my parents." He glances at Everett, but there's no malice to it. Just a tentative understanding. "Not to the extent you are, but I know it hurts. And I know what it's like to wonder what could've been and what they're thinking. So we thought it'd be nice if you had that chance sooner than later."

Huh... I can't lie and say I haven't been thinking about what my parents think of me. I mean, they have to hate me if they threw me out of the house, but they have to have other thoughts about me, too, right? Since they're my parents and chose to have me and raised me for sixteen years, right?

Briar squeezes my hand, and I snap out of my thoughts. I glance up and realize everyone's watching me. I swallow, shifting in my seat. "I'll think about it." I take a deep breath. "But thank you."

Everett smiles at me. "Take all the time you need."

I nod. Gareth and Everett leave me and Briar at the table together. When their footsteps recede upstairs, Briar asks, "What are you thinking?"

I take another deep breath and shift to face her. "That having dinner with my parents will either end in me crying or yelling or both."