‪Sometimes everything goes so fast, making me wish I could go back to my past. Living all those good moments again...

Do you remember those funny and naughty actions at school? Teasing your friends in class? Making the teachers annoyed? Pranking classmates? Skipping classes and sneaking out? Watching your favourite cartoon? Those fun trips that you would look forward too? Playing outside barefoot, running on the street till noon? Secretly playing video games late in the night? Going to the market with your parents and choosing your favourite candy? Counting the stars? Watching how the moon is following you in the car?

Every time I think back about those moments my heart gets warm but at the same time turns on an alarm. All these memories that I just described are only a small part of a whole book. In my mind, there are a lot more black pages than pages with colours.

The rainbow in my mind turns into a grey cloud. I get a flashback of all those memories that I don't talk about. Those tears that were left unnoticed, those secret prayers and desires. Crying alone in my room while covering my mouth so no one would know, hugging my pillow wishing this life would stop, that pain in my chest while begging my Lord to save my little soul, being scared for this unfair world.

That grey cloud explodes and it starts raining. My past was nothing. People have it worse! I'm just being ungrateful and dramatic! What is wrong with me? Everything is better now. This is what I prayed for. Why am I sad? I should be happy. I want to run away and scream. I'm really trying to stay strong but everything feels so wrong. I'm stuck... I'm stuck into my past. Regretting every mistake, wishing I could change it, taking revenge of all the cruelty! Why is it hurting me if it's all gone? Why can't I just go further? Why does it feel like a burden? Why can't these thoughts just leave me alone?

Living every day with a fake smile on my face. Pretending to be okay. Wearing a mask all day and night, till I'm alone and remove it to wipe away those tears. Trying to escape those thoughts and hide those emotions. Being a mystery because that is my protection. Searching validation by strangers and trying to fulfil that emptiness by stupid actions. Wishing I could turn off my thoughts and be free. Hoping that someone will save me.

Soon those thoughts turned into realization. I'm the only one that can save me. I will have to do it alone with the help of Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala). My history isn't a burden. It's a lesson. An aid for the rest of my life. My past made me stronger. My book isn't finished yet. I can still add pages with colours.

I will forgive myself and everything that hurt me. I will let it go. I will focus on my goals and take care of my own. I know, that grey cloud will come back, even burst out making it rain many times too, but I will have to keep moving to grow. It's not going to be easy. I can't erase the chapters of my past. All I can do is pray, believe, hold strong on my faith, trust and walk through the rest of my story.
~ a_mystery-writer