Every child is born free. It is an assumed inherent right. This liberty encompasses rights to freedom of movement, freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom of religion, freedom of association, freedom from arbitrary arrest, detention or exile, freedom of property ownership, freedom of thought, and freedom of education among the most important.

Yet a good mother will deny any or all of these freedoms if the child is behaving inappropriately, or as a consequence of unacceptable breaches of family rules. A child will be denied a meal, sent to their room for a determined period of time, restricted from leaving the home, denied access to friends, banned from activities, forced to do chores, have time restrictions placed on enjoyable hobbies. A good mother will instil in the child that every freedom is conditional upon a set of evolving criteria, and that any 'breach' will result in the denial of these liberties.

My children were born and remain free. This right to freedom is unconditional and I have never imposed any sanctions; be they physical, intellectual or emotional restraints on their persons.  Since I do not punish, my children have never experienced 'the naughty room' or 'time out' or 'withdrawal of privileges' or 'grounding'. The home is a haven, not a prison, and I am a mother, not a jailor. Their personal freedoms have never been conditional on actions/lack thereof or 'expected' behavioural mores.

One cannot be both 'inherently' free and live within 'conditional' freedoms. Any enforced conditions negate the 'inherent' aspect. Acceptable behaviour is a shifting code, dependent on place/time/situation. One either lives ever free or is perpetually bound to this shifting code.

I have been asked: "What if one of the boys... - followed by any number of scenarios. Let's pick one: "What if Dylan was expected home at eight but returned at ten instead? Should you not ground him for breaking the rules?"

"There's no rule to break. There are no expectations."

"Yes, but say he did?"

"You can't say he did, because he can't!"

"So you don't care what time he returns?"

"He may choose to inform me if he is going to be later than when he said he would be."

"What if he doesn't?"

"Then he doesn't."

"But-" (This followed by any amount of blustering and indignation.) "He's broken the rules! He's broken your trust!"

"There are no rules to break. (I have to keep reinforcing this.) "He may indicate a time when he might be home, but this does not create a rule. It is simply a courtesy extended. He cannot therefore break my trust."

"You let him run loose then?"

"I let him live as he chooses. I value his intelligence."

"But what if something happens?"

"Something could happen any time."

"But-" (I get a lot of buts too) "You're setting him up to totally disregard everyone else. People will depend on him and he'll just waltz in any time he feels like it. Or walk out."

"Will he?"

"Of course he will. You haven't taught him-" (Here's where I usually butt in.)

"Funny thing is, Dylan's always on time. If he's ever late, there's a valid reason whether offered up or not. If he can't be where he is 'expected' there's a valid reason for that too. If we have to be at dinner by seven, I advise him as soon as the plans are made. I don't have to think about it again, or remind, or nag or enforce threats. Don't you get it? There are no rules!" (Yeah, repetition.) "He does not feel obligated! He does not fear retribution! These are not concepts I have introduced. There is no reason for him to dissent. The reason doesn't exist!"

"But-"

Nope. I can't get through. I've tried. And tried.

Yesterday we were going over to my brother's. Marcus stayed home.

"Where's Marcus?" This from my brother's mother-in-law.

"Home."

"Oh." This offered up with disappointment - not for his not being there but because I didn't 'make him come along'.

"You should have insisted he come!" Added because I didn't supply the reason (any reason) as to why he hadn't accompanied us.

What? Taking him away from the editing project he had spent hours working on, to sit obligingly at a place he didn't want to be at, merely for 'appearances'? To appease the minds of others that I was in fact bringing up my boys 'right'?

A few days ago, Dylan was late returning from Uni. It was his third day. By six, my mother started asking "Where is he?" By seven, this had escalated to "Call him! Something's wrong!" By eight, I was hearing "You don't care!" "What kind of a mother are you?" "Aren't you worried?" "Get off the computer!" "How can you say you love him and then be so uncaring?" (If any of you have read my Memoir you will have learned about my own childhood. You know... how my brother and I were alone all day during the holidays? And how my own 'incarceration' had worked out?)

I got a text at 8.15. "I'm here mum,"

Drove to the station and picked him up. He was so excited!

"Did you know there's a 24 hour library at Uni? And a big open space where you can sit around on couches and the roof is all glass! I waited to see some stars, it was so cool! Oh and I had chicken with rice."

"You tried rice?" (He'd never eaten it before. Noodles yes, rice no.)

"Yeah, can you make me some for dinner tomorrow? I took a photo of the dish mum!"

Had I been worried those four hours? Honestly, a little - but only because this was a new environment for him. But I know my kid. Better than anyone. My intruding and demanding to know where he was and why he was late would have taken so much of his excitement away! Why would I willingly rob him of this?

The fear of something 'happening'... The reinforcement of this fear by keeping tabs, monitoring, intruding... There's some selfishness there, also some hint of the need to be needed?

I recall one more incident: The boys were around thirteen. They, along with a mate Toby said they were going to a skateboard park by bus. They were very into skateboards at the time and our local one was always congested with younger kids.

An hour later I got a text from Toby's mum: "They're not there!!!!"

"Who? Where?"

"Boys NOT at skate park. I checked."

"You went there?"

"Yes!!! Where are they?"

"Idk?"

"He's going to be grounded forever!!!"

An hour after this, I got another text: "Found them. Bringing them all home."

"Mine too? No!!!!"

No reply. Twenty minutes later, she deposited the boys at our door.

"Make sure you tell them off. They were at a different skate park altogether. I swear, kids can't be trusted any more." This with a glare at my two.

"What's the big deal?"

She stared at me as though I was insane. "What if something had happened?

"It could have happened at either park?"

"That's not the point! They lied!" (If one thing doesn't work, fall back on the 'trusted' one)

Dylan was making eye movements like "Let her go mum, I'll fill you in."

I let her go. Turns out they met a couple of friends on the bus, and found out from them that a competition was being held at another skate park a few stops further on. So they went there instead. They were having a great time; there was a Radio station and a DJ with music and lots of give-aways...

Then Toby's mum had called but they'd not heard the phone as it was in his backpack and there was too much noise around them. She'd called a few times apparently, until finally turning up. She'd screamed at them! She'd ordered Toby and my two to get into her car. All the way home, she'd ranted about how they were "bad kids" and "not to be trusted."

"Toby's going to cop it bad mum. When his dad gets back from fishing."

"Is the competition over?"

"No, they were just starting before we left," Marcus said. "Not fair."

"Get in the car."

I drove them back there. On the way, I faced many questions.

"Why did she call us bad kids?"

"You're not."

"Why can't we be trusted?"

"I trust you. That's all that matters."

"Why did Toby's mum act like that? She embarrassed us!"

"Some mums are afraid, I guess?"

"Of what?"

Of what indeed. There were six in their group. If any of them had fallen and busted an arm or even skinned their knees, one of the others would have alerted the relevant parents. This could well have happened at any park, even our local one. These manufactured dangers, this incessant hovering and forcing kids to adhere to nonsensical rules... the enforced 'incarceration' when these rules - due to their nonsensical nature - are inevitably and at times unknowingly broken...

What are these actions/reactions creating in our children's' young and malleable minds? An expectation that life is by default a minefield of dangers and that one should ALWAYS do what's expected - just to be safe? An adherence to any future rule - however nonsensical - because of the fear of further incarceration should it be broken? How's that been working out for us?  

I dropped the boys off and they re-joined the other friends still there. Driving home, I thought about Toby's mum. The sense that she'd deliberately looked for 'trouble' just to feel 'justified' wouldn't leave me. Was this then a way for her to deal with Toby's increasing independence? He was a good kid, a little on the shy side. I also felt anger rising. I pulled over.

"Don't you ever scold MY kids or include them in your own issues again!" I sent the text.

I had Facebook back then. At home, I saw a message waiting for me:

"Kate's having a meltdown. She mentioned you!!!"

Dear Lord! I scrolled through my newsfeed. There Kate was, having a massive rant over "irresponsible parenting" and how I was "too lazy" to worry about my kids. Lots of support, the usual "Oh, sorry you had to go through this Kate, heart, heart, sad face". The feeding frenzy continued for a few hours, escalating to "She's a weirdo." "You did the right thing Kate." "I'd have taken my two by the ear."

I didn't engage. It wasn't the first time some mother had taken it upon herself to rile about my apparent lack of "parenting skills".

What had the boys done that had been so wrong it warranted being forcibly removed and publicly humiliated? They were in High School! We lived on the coast, not in some urban jungle (not that this would have made any difference, but it had been raised, as in: "I'd like to know what she (me) would have done if they'd been in the city and pulled something like this!")

The last comment: "Hope you've grounded him." I felt for Toby. I thought of how this would further impact his shyness...

My two returned several hours later, tired but grinning.

"Should have seen this one skater mum! He was amazing! They even filmed him!"

"So you had a good day then?"

"Yes! Thanks for driving us back."

"Yeah mum, thanks."

"That's all that matters."

Childhood only lasts so long. Within this time, everything is a beginning, everything is new. It matters to me that my sons have many 'good days' to remember. Bad days will come, they do so for everyone. Some had already come and gone for us...

Kate had in fact kidnapped my sons, in that she'd taken them despite my specific non-consent. She'd denied them the freedom their own mother had bestowed on them unconditionally. She was far guiltier in my eyes than the son she claimed had broken her trust. She'd broken my trust, and it mattered a whole lot more, because she had publicly proclaimed she was the "better parent". She was an adult! Guilty of the very 'crime' she'd accused my sons of committing.

I thought about something else too. Had she not in fact placed them in far greater danger by driving them home? She was angry, distracted. Her indignation could have resulted in an accident. In the very thing she'd accused me of "not caring about"...

I repeat: Freedom cannot ever be freedom if it is dished out conditionally and denied on the 'whim' of the moment.