Each child, from the moment of birth must accept the prescribed legal and moral rules within which their family functions. 

Bedtime rules. Food consumption rules. Hygiene rules. Play-time rules. Behaviour rules. Education rules. Relationship rules. Religious rules. Community rules. Government rules.

A good mother sets rules for bedtime. Sets rules for what, where and when food may be consumed. Sets rules for when a child may play and when a child may rest. Sets rules for what can and cannot be done and said, at prescribed times, places and situations. Sets rules for school work and homework. Sets rules for behaviour inside and outside the home. Sets rules according to Government guidelines for immunisation, education, recreation, and socialisation.

It is an accepted fact that once a rule is created, someone, somewhere, will endeavour to break it. The old 'rules are made to be broken' cliché. The common assumption now is that EVERY rule will be broken, simply because it exists - with the accompanying consequences for those who dare break one or many. Kids and especially teens do therefore eventually rebel, fight against, and generally resist those rules imposed on them either by parents or society. This is called 'adolescent rebellion', and is both expected and accepted as a normal part of 'growing up'.

My sons have never had rules imposed on them. The underlying premise being if there are no rules, then no rules can be broken. From their early years, they have been allowed the freedom to own their lives, and live them as they choose. Decisions have been theirs to make, regarding every aspect of their living. The only 'imposition' has been the concept that knowledge is power. By giving them the means/opportunity to acquire knowledge, they consistently expand this power to make their own informed decisions and choices. I may make requests, but there is no obligation to obey or act on those requests on their part. They may consider my request and if they deem it acceptable, they will act on it. Or they may not, giving a valid reason for their refusal. Or they may not offer a reason at all. It is their choice.

Rules are introduced to prepare a child for adulthood - to better equip them with the means of coping within a world where rules not only already control every aspect of living but are constantly expanded, as new directions evolve from old ones. By conditioning over time, children learn how to live and function within this series of evolving rules.

You might think all this pontificating sounds too good on paper right? I mean I can tell you anything I want and pass it off as the truth. I can appear to presume myself 'better than you' or 'knowing more' or just plain raising anarchists due to my own 'mismanaged' and rule-filled childhood...

The thing is though; it is very hard to dispute this one fact: A child cannot break a rule if a rule is not in place, or introduced into their living. Let's pick one rule for argument's sake: (This one came to mind because my mother walked into my room yesterday, took a look at the pile of discarded clothes on the floor, the jumble of books stacked haphazardly on every surface, the unmade bed, the stacks of papers and notebooks, the three coffee cups from earlier in the night/day and - looking at my son, who was oblivious to the 'mess' and was showing me his latest github stats - said to him: "Go make your bed. You're going to end uplike your mother"... with the usual long-suffering sigh.

She left. Dylan said, "She's doing it again."

"Uh huh"

"You know the minute you leave the house she's going to be in here, right?"

"Uh huh."

"She's going to try and organise everything then you're not going to know where anything is and - maybe you should get a lock?"

"Nuh, it's her thing."

"She's going to make my bed too."

"Probably."

"Why?"

"It's her rule see? We're both breaking it as far as she is concerned."

"But it's her rule! I never accepted it, so how am I breaking it?"

"You're my child but I'm also her child. So in effect - in her eyes - the rule carries on."

"How come she never gets tired of asking the same thing over and over? When no one listens?"

"When no one listens"... Why does my mother insist on enforcing this - among many, other rules - when none of us feel obligated to adhere to them? Sometimes she yells at us, frustration overwhelming her sense of losing control or however else she views the result of our dissent. The fact that the boys and I have each created our own rules and abide by those is unrecognised. Her rules matter. Ours are at odds, therefore cancelled out.

That's us right there. I've never said to the boys "Make your beds, that's a rule in our house." Apart from having no rules in 'our' house, their room is their space. I cannot intrude on this space and impose sanctions. Yet my mother has no such qualms. Her rules are steadfast. Beds must be made, rooms must be tidy - oh the irony! She walked in just now and said "So when am I going to see your room tidy?" I replied "One day." Which is about how long it stays 'tidy'!

Why do I allow her to intrude on my space? I don't. I have spent a lifetime trying to reason with her. Short of getting a lock as Dylan suggested, there is no way to keep her out. Marcus once proposed I go into her room and rearrange everything as a joke, so she no longer knew where anything was, and she could therefore understand the intrusion... But her room is neat and tidy and in accordance with her rules. It would make no sense...

We've never sat down to dinner as a family either, whether it is the three of us or by extension, their grandparents also. There's a lot of public emphasis placed on this 'together time' where everyone eats whilst talking about their day. We eat whenever, we talk whenever. Some of our best conversations have been at midnight, or when first waking, or in the middle of a movie - pausing it and then continuing once the discussion is over. This regulated family time may work for some, but it could not work for us. We have different time clocks and even these are not constant. Sometimes I'm saying "Good morning!" cup of coffee in hand as the boys are saying 'Good night mum," on their way to bed.

Yet at the end of every day, both boys tidy up their 'work area' in their garage. They dispose of any rubbish on their desks, take dishes and put them in the dishwasher, place any discarded clothes in the laundry. I have NEVER demanded nor threatened with sanctions should they fail to do so. They do it as a personal choice.

This example is one of many emerging throughout their formative years. They value others' property and have never stolen or mistreated anything borrowed. They respect their elders. They are polite both within the family and outside of it. They have impeccable manners and I am often praised - despite knowing I am not 'responsible'.

How has this come to be, in lieu of these rules not existing?

They've created their OWN personal rules. I don't even properly understand how this happened. All I can attest to is that by living unconditionally as such, they have each built a rule structure they are comfortable with.  

How do you conceive a personal structure within an unstructured environment? I might run some quick examples here:

·        When you run out of clean clothes to wear, you understand in order to have clean     clothes, you need to place them in the washing basket - later the washing machine.

·        When there are no clean dishes left, you understand in order to have clean dishes, you need to place them in the dishwasher - later push the start button.

·        When a line of ants forms to the biscuit-half you left on the floor, you understand dropped food creates problems if not picked up.

·        When you are asked your opinion and do not respond, you end up with someone else's decision.

·        When you fail to offer up your own choice, you end up with someone else's choice.  

·        When your words are not responded to, you understand when certain words can and cannot be used.

·        When one particular action causes one reaction and another causes another, you understand the relationship between cause and effect.

·        If you raise your voice at someone, their voice also rises back at you and no one hears anything. You understand a quiet voice with well-chosen words is better heard.

The important thing to note here I guess is that they learned these things through direct experience, rather than by adhering to a set of prescribed expectations, reinforced with nagging and/or threats of punishment. When rules are 'self-imposed', then there is no dissent, and no rebellion. You cannot rebel against a rule that is self-created. Thus, I faced none of the 'typical' teenage rebellion other mothers bemoaned about.

I had a friend I've since lost touch with. She was a yeller. Her three children grew up thinking yelling was a way of communicating anger, dislike, frustration, unfairness - I could end substantially to this list. Her other 'thing' was ordering. "Do this!" "Do that!" When 'ordering around' met resistance, the decibel level rose proportionally. There were some moments in that household my ears hurt.

She said one day "They never listen! They never do anything I say!"

Her son was at my place one afternoon. He asked, "How come you never yell at Marcus and Dylan?"

What could I yell at them about?