Chapter 21: Desperation

During my tenth spring, papà had locked up the vineyard and taken mamma, Marin and myself to the village of Semuru inside the forest of Adoran Palel. It was where my mother was born.

We travelled for three days along the Dalprina way, and finally entered the forests.

Adoran Palel was one of four forests that made up The Adorans. They were wild and ancient forests, so crowded with plant-life that saplings grew out of bigger trees and wide-leafy plants covered the trails if not walked on for mere hours. The air was moist, and the sound of buzzing and rustling came from everywhere.

The moment I entered the forest, I wanted to escape back to the tame world I had left. There was too much life in this place, and it either wanted to eat me, or kill me—or both. It was a miserable time for me. Nothing was in my control. I couldn't appreciate the abundance of sweet fruit, and starchy roots or the rapidly flowing river that was so swollen with fish, one could find food just by reaching out.

I was bored by Semuru. Nothing was done quickly, no one laboured too hard and there was complete disregard towards gold and silver, as if there, deep inside the wild forest, these people had everything they needed.

My father was enchanted. He spent hours drinking fragrant Milliweed tea inside the netted tent, talking and talking with the elders. He repeatedly asked my mother why she left, and even suggested we all move back.

My insect bites had insect bites, I was constantly too warm. I could not breath properly in the humid air and on our first day there, a great green beast with snapping jaws and thousands of sharp teeth had jumped out of the water and attempted to eat Marin and me. The villagers who had seen us did nothing to help, they just laughed and laughed as we huddled, weeping, on the branch of a tree, only to be startled by a bright green serpent that came to inspect us.

I could not describe the extent of my relief when mamma, who had been in high spirits and cuddled with papà like two young lovers for the first few days of our visit, decided that we had to return to Thalmina. Something painful had surfaced in her heart, something that had driven her out of the peaceful Semuru.

I never asked what it was. I didn't care. I was happy to be back where I felt I belonged.

That was the farthest I went from Thalmina. Even though later, when I became an apprentice, I dreamt of seeings all of Vynam. I dreamt of leaving the place where I was most comfortable, but had never travelled farther than the forest.

I was never in a rush to meet my dreams.

***

The first city we visited was Saila, the city of pink crystals in the heart of the state of Acavia. When I saw the Phasa—the highest neighbourhood of Saila—I was impressed by the tens of thousands of pink crystal roses that decorated every banister, wall and lamppost. The streets of the Bellu market smelt fragrant, and the people there wore bright colours against their beautiful ebony skin—reds, pinks, violets—even at the approach of winter.

I wore a pastel violet dress with soft white fur at the collar. It was in accordance with Acavia fashions.

Lady Leah Acavia looked like I had looked during my visit to Semuru. Her suffering increased with every second. In Tilamadra, home to the Acavia family, we were met with her husband, Lord Yoav Kiri of house Usi. He was a small man with porcelain-skin and ringlets of shimmering yellow hair that bounced when he walked. His eyes were small too, set far apart on his face, beneath thick eyebrows.

He was unattractive and looked on coldly when Leah's greeting fell flat. I felt sorry for Leah. How had she fallen into such a marriage with a man who clearly despised her? Leah looked at Nava whenever she thought no one noticed. Nava did a better job at hiding whatever was happening between them.

Our party was joined by several more lords and ladies when we next travelled to Caim in West Genalia, ruled by the Dialmiir branch of the Chelonio family. Their sigil was a sea turtle, a wide-eyed childlike creature that grinned sweetly from every Dialmiir mask and artwork. I appreciated the interpretation. In almost all Vynam religions, turtles of all kind were considered the rebirth of babies that had gone before their time.

In Caim, we were joined by Lady Estonira Dialmiir and the zebra-masked Lord Ander Chewall who had come with the fox-masked Lord Jan Burme from East-Genalia. I was also pointedly introduced to Lord Mica Kiri, Lord Yoav's younger brother. He was better looking than his older brother, and had kinder eyes. At every ball, he danced with me and I, for nothing better to do, kept on flirting with him. Lady Dialmiir was bitterly disappointed when Waryn treated her like a fly that kept landing on his arm.

I could not, during our travels, get any time alone with Waryn. I was simply to play my part as Dylana. In the evenings, Nava and I would sit in her room by the hearth and work on improving my Desmelas accent and my dancing skills. I made no attempt on becoming her friend, I asked her no questions and never answered hers.

Waryn doted on Afali. She was always at his side. He held long conversations with her in the evenings, wrote her poems—disgusting poems—and showered her with gifts.

"How did you do it?" she said on one of the first days of our journey. "It's like he's bewitched."

"It wasn't me, Afali, it was you."

Soon, however, Afali's tune changed. "Something isn't right...with him," she said.

"With Waryn?" I asked.

"Who else?" She pouted. Her delight at getting her prize had brought something out in her. She looked rounder, but at the same time, more pleasing to the eye. There was a glow to her skin that had nothing to do with serum.

"Has he said anything unkind to you?" I asked.

"No, darling. He's been a prince, a real prince."

"Then what is it?"

Afali grabbed a handful of her dark auburn hair and began threading her fingers through it. "He hasn't even attempted to kiss me," she said. "You'd think, by now, we'd be in bed together."

Heat flooded my face. The nobles simply spoke of these things blatantly. I had to get accustomed to that. I laughed to hide my embarrassment. "Oh, Afali, there's something you should know about Waryn..."

In contrast to my own face, hers paled. "He's only interested in men?"

"No, no," I said, trying not to laugh too hard. "He's...shy. If you want him, Afali, you just have to take him. Just make him understand, with your actions, that he can have you."

After that, there was no stopping Afali. If I could see Waryn's face at any event, it was only because Afali had excused herself to powder her nose. He didn't look as smooth as he previously did. During the last ball at the Dialmiir estate it was clearer than ever, Afali was literally smothering Waryn while a group of expectant ladies glowered at them from the far side of the ballroom.

***

"How did you get in here?" I whispered, sending a sweeping glance round my bedroom. I didn't know this room. I couldn't tell if there were any secrets, if anyone was watching me. We were in Truvadan, home of the bear-masked Kiri family in West-Genalia. It was our last stop on the way to Delen and the Masquerade. Our party numbered nearly forty young lords and ladies from all the families of north Vynam. The days had become shorter, it would be winter soon.

"Don't worry, we're secure," Waryn said. His face was red, except the skin around his lips, which was pale. Was he cross?

"What if someone sees you leaving? Wouldn't it have been better to meet in Nava's room? With Leah as well. We can't have Afali think we're intimate."

He set a small, oblong chest on my bed. "I thought you'd want privacy for this discussion."

"What's this?" I asked.

"Open it."

I looked at him through narrowed eyes. He could've just told me what was inside. But bravado was always necessary. I stepped towards the bed and unlatched the chest. It opened into two equal parts and on each side, secured inside fitted velvet cushions, were vials with bright orange liquid. "Again... what's this?" I asked.

"For your own protection. You can...indulge as much as you like, as long as you remember to take one vial after. If you wait more than twelve hours, there are other...less comfortable solutions. Your partners may attempt to offer you one, but always take your own—"

"Wait. Wait just a moment, Waryn," I said. "I'm not... I am not going to be indulging—"

He grinned at me, but his eyes remained cold. "Why not?"

"Because that's... that's—"

"Where you came from, men were allowed to indulge, but women weren't?"

"I...I... It wasn't like that. There are risks." My eyes strayed to the twenty four vials in the box. "Disease and pregnancy. But of course I was foolish, and curious, I tried and luckily was unscathed."

"We don't have these diseases with serum," he said. "And women are free when they take these vials. Men indulge. Women indulge. Above all during the Masquerade. Women are equal in desire to men, some even say they have a vaster appetite. You will attract suspicion if you don't indulge."

"Is that why Afali was suspicious of you?"

He stiffened at her name. I barked out a laugh. "You want me to use a vial today, Waryn?" I asked, moving closer to him with deliberate steps. "Is that it? Is that why you came tonight, to my room...alone?"

He stood quite still when I was close enough to touch him, but he wasn't speaking. There was something brighter about his eyes tonight, his face seemed younger, he looked...

He looked unsure.

I pressed the palm of my hand to his chest. His heart was beating rapidly. "What's the matter, Waryn?"

"I...I didn't come for you to use a vial—" His voice broke. He was suddenly a different person, with the same face, the same form, but...he was a boy.

The way he had spoken to me back in Velamia. The way he handled himself. He was a man every waking moment, as certain in his moves as any ruling lord.

He made me forget that he wasn't older than me.

"You're lying," I said.

He hadn't, in fact, said anything. But a part of me found it hard to believe that from the man who made me his spy, he would dare show me a side that wasn't honed and deadly and perfectly solid.

"I just turned eighteen this summer. This is my first time going to the Masquerade...Dylana." He hated calling me that, he told me back then. "It's not unusual for a lord my age not to have experience. That is the idea behind the Masquerade season anyway—"

"So you really did come here for that?"

He took several steps back and fell into the only chair in the room. It was velvety brown and too soft for his weight, so he sunk into the overbearing cushions "I can't have Afali begin to suspect that I need her to get to you. I need her kept happy. But I didn't come here for that."

"What's this all about, then?" I gestured at the still open oblong chest on the bed.

"I procured that in Saila, one of my people did, and meant to give that to you before arriving in Delen. We'll have to get our hands dirty at the Masquerade, both of us."

"And?"

I could see how what he was doing now was an act, even if there was a seed of truth in it. If he played on his youth, he would appear vulnerable, more human and easier to trust. He spoke about finding my sister, but he wanted me to do something for him. What that thing was, he hadn't yet revealed.

"And it might have to start with Lord Mica Kiri, for you," Waryn said.

"Why Lord Mica?"

"Every suitor who approaches you is a source, and you just need to milk them of their secrets. The best method is seduction. Mica looks ready to be seduced."

I blinked. I didn't feel like I followed Waryn's line of thought. What could Mica Kiri know about anything? He wasn't even an heir.

Or maybe, like Waryn, like Afali, Mica had a network of spies of his own. "How would I know if I'm seducing or being seduced?" I asked, moving up to Waryn, and settling on the green tiled floor in front of him. "Isn't Mica too eager?" I put my hands on Waryn's shoulders, aligning myself so that our faces were level. "Like with Nava..." I leaned in closer. "Like with you..."

He grabbed my face, and for a startling—thrilling—moment, I thought he would pull me in. But he didn't. "Sometimes, you can't know who has the upper hand before you go into a confrontation."

We were frozen, both of us, unwilling to act. Advance, or retreat. Neither of us was ready to do either. I couldn't tell whether Waryn was weak for me, or I was weak for him.

After what felt like forever, I moved my hands from his shoulders to the sides of his neck, and that must've given him the idea of leaning his head sideways and tracing his lips across my throat.

I shuddered—it tickled. My heart raced, without question, as he kissed the side of my neck, the line of my jaw, the soft spot underneath my ear. "Between the two of us," he whispered. "Who do you think wins?"

I pulled myself away, only to ease my body against him. I had given him the truth, every bit of it that mattered. It was he who kept secrets from me. "You have more to hide," I said. "And you want me," I added, allowing my fingers to trail in his coiled locks. "More than I want you."

I moved away at that. I couldn't have measured my desire, not when it was mingled with a willingness to both surrender to and destroy him. I shut the oblong chest with a snap, letting the latch fall in place. "I'll consider making a move on Mica if you tell me why he could be important," I said without looking at him. "As for your...problem..."

"I told Afali I wished to do it after we wed."

"You told her you would marry her?"

"That's the point for her, isn't it?"

I sat on the corner of the bed, he stayed where he was on the chair. "And what did she say?" I asked.

"She pretended to be happy," he replied, his gaze going upward as he thought. "But her hands were shaking. She wants me in her bed, and I have very little choice."

"Then why not do it?"

"She'll know I have no experience."

"You can have experience, but still be a bad lover."

"Who said I'm a bad lover?"

"No one. But then, no one said you're good either."

He let his face fall into his hands. "It's not easy for me. I don't find her attractive."

I squeezed out a breath from my lungs to stop myself from laughing. Whether he was being serious, or following a game, I didn't want to take the risk. "So, you don't..."

"Rise to the occasion, Dylana, I don't rise to the occasion. Do I need to describe what happens when a man doesn't—"

"No."

"When I told Leah, she laughed. She doesn't understand."

"Oh, you poor, poor man," I said. "You got laughed at, oh my."

We stayed like this in silence. "Just now," I said. "You didn't have the slightest trouble—"

"Because it was with you. At first I thought you looked like a replica of every central Tal girl that ever was, but the longer I look at you, the more I like the look of you."

"Thank you...I suppose?"

He waved his hand in the air, looking as disgruntled as he ought, but again, it could have been an act. "Why should it be so important to her?"

I'd imagine such things would be important to any woman. But he wasn't completely wrong. Afali was too desperate. If it was Waryn she wanted, why wasn't she calmer now that he spoke about marrying her?

I sat up, back straight, eyes wide.

I hadn't been guarded enough, that was my mistake. It was ironic to think that ever since getting caught, the danger felt less immediate.

He saw it. He was on his feet, eyes gleaming. "What did you just realise, Dylana?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" He towered above me. "That's not how we do this."

I got to my feet. He was still considerably taller. "It's not your business."

"Dylana..."

"Good night, Waryn," I said. "The door is that way."

"I'll figure it out myself, you know."

"Then I'll save my breath." I tried to shove the chest into his hands. "Thank you for these, but no thank you."

"Keep them."

"I won't be needing them anytime soon. Not until you tell me why you want me to target Mica."

He didn't take the box, and stepped back towards the door while facing me. "Maybe you will, Dylana. Maybe I'll come and visit you again and let you win."

He winked. It was the first time anyone had winked at me. I waved with just the tips of my fingers.

"Oh, and Waryn," I said, just as his hand was on the door handle. "When you're with her...think of me. Maybe that'll help."

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Masquerade season starts next chapter (on Monday)! Are you ready for some balls? And feasts? And hunting parties? And more spies and more intrigue and just more of the more more more?

And yes, there may be some sex but you can't have spies without it. (Don't worry, nothing more explicit than Sophie Green style of things).

I was unsure af about this chapter. It's important for the other stuff and helps me develop Waryn's character, but I was worried that it was happening too soon. Last chapter I showed how clever he is, and this chapter he *might be* human, and sensitive. I really wanted this about his character because this is a kind of masculinity that isn't often shown in books. We all know the stereotypes that girls are more emotional when it comes to sex and boys just want to hump everything in sight--but it doesn't have to be that way. Because in reality, it's not.

OKAY. That's enough rambling outta me. I'm liking Waryn/Yael dynamics. Can't wait to bring forth everything else.

I am through the roof with all your comments. Bring them on. I promise to reply to every single one!!

Today, I appear before you as an otter and you are welcome to squeal with joy over how cute I am.

❤️
Einaty *splashy splash splash*