I used the word nymphets there. That was actually sort of a generalisation. But make no mistake, over a quarter of these girls were nymphets which for your information is at least three times the national average here in Ireland. Granted these statistics are entirely non-scientific, based as they are on personal observation, but I am a conscientious and acute observer and my findings are not to be taken lightly. Judging from their exotic complexions these girls were all foreign and that in itself probably explains the high preponderance of nymphets among them.

It has only just occurred to me that many of you may not know what a nymphet is. OK. First and foremost a nymphet is a girl who should be not less than sixteen and not more than seventeen. Next, although she doesn't need to have conventional good looks she does need to have something of the primitive about her. She should also have dim and distant eyes that go slit when she is either a) annoyed or b) up to no good; a bold and insolent mouth – this is not essential though it is highly desirable; and an almost diabolical charm in her movements that she may not even be aware of, what I would call a frétillement (Look at any video of Vanessa Paradis singing Joe Le Taxi when she was fourteen and you'll see what I mean). And finally she must possess the kind of otherworldly face and body that have driven boys and men mad since Adam did a runner on Eve with Lilith.

But hang on, I'm just remembering. I got things arseways there. Lilith left Adam, not the other way round. Yes, it's coming back now. According to Genesis Lilith got fed up taking orders from Adam about which of them was top and which was bottom and she hit the road with the archangel Samael instead. That's Samael the sleazebag now, not to be confused in any way, shape or form with Samuel the prophet that's revered by Jews, Christians and Muslims alike. Samael was the bad seed who spent most of his time preying in Seventh Heaven, the place he took Lil to and proceeded to drive her out of her fucking mind. And just to set the record straight once and for all: sex didn't start between the end of the Lady Chatterley ban and the Beatles' first LP; it started some time before that. And not with Adam and Eve either. What those two did was a biological duty, "go forth and multiply", with the unspoken threat: "because if you don't you're out of Eden on your ear." No, according to the Apocryphon of John, Cain was born from Eve by intercourse with Samael. So this bad seed fertilised more eggs than would stock a chain of Walmarts and for all we know he's still at it.