Let me tell you now, it's not easy to describe the daily disturbances that tormented my mind and body. Maybe you'll understand if I tell you about something that took place at a dance I went to when I was just sixteen.

I was inching around the floor holding a fairly ordinary looking big-hipped girl at a decorous distance to the strains of Unchained Melody, a really slow tinker teaser of a song in case you didn't know, when she casually pressed herself up against me while making conversation about her friend Myrtle who had lost her hairdressing job for being late for work twice in a row because her mother was sick with the shingles, bringing about near-frantic activity in my already jittering genitals. 

All fine and normal you might say but, just as I was inconspicuously attempting to pull back from her to prevent an embarrassing spillage, I spied a sight for sore eyes over her left shoulder. A man in mauve shirt and tight cream trousers was practically conjoined with a girl whom I couldn't see properly – but what I did see, and couldn't take my eyes off, was his splendid bottom. Now I have unobtrusively viewed a good number of male bottoms in my day and studied and indeed serviced myself on pictures of the naked David in Michelangelo: Complete Works (hardcover £29.24) but here right in front of me was the daddy of them all, perfectly rounded, beautifully grooved and utterly breathtaking. Cue for massive discharge.  

                                   MESSAGE TO WATTPAD READERS  

I received some unwelcome news last Saturday. I was informed by a fellow Wattpad writer that A Maiden So Bewitching had almost reached its word limit on Wattpad. This is because it is already on Amazon and Amazon only permit writers to "give away" 12% of their book on any other site and, if I don't abide by this, Amazon will penalise me. I checked this out and found it to be true.

I apologise. I had no problem with two of my other books which are on Wattpad but this was because I only uploaded them to Amazon after I'd had them published in full on Wattpad.