I fought and still fight my craving for both nymphets and man-beasts with might and main. I fill my life with stuff to keep me sane, oh yes. For example I now get my kicks and company by posing as a highly-charged bisexual teenage girl on my Steam4Teens site, a site that stirs a lot of hearts and maybe more. And going way back to my mid-teens when I first became fully aware of my eclectic inclinations I made up my mind to channel them in any way that wouldn't hurt others and possibly land me in prison.

For example, I married Henrietta Bell when she was sweet sixteen and I was less than a year older. She actually looked more like fifteen at the time and in my state of tumescent fervour I told myself that she would always look the same. But the pity was that within months of being married she stopped being a girl and started being a woman, with the makings of a fine Zapata moustache into the bargain. Wait, scrub that. Bargain isn't the word I want. This was no bargain. Gone was the fetching limp where she would sometimes do a cute little hop, skip and jump to catch up with me as we walked out – and in its place was a sailor's bow-legged tread.

But I interrupted myself when I was telling you about that never-ending line of nymphets in Foyleside shopping centre. The very thought of them had seriously discombobulated me and I urgently needed something to sort me out. Coffee, I thought. That'll do it. Thinking about this sort of stuff for long could cause a man permanent damage.

Five stairs from the top I smelled the coffee and Starbucks hove into view. I remember reading something about it being wrong to go there because they were cheating on tax. Probably the boy who wrote that would be doing the same himself if he could get away with it. Starbucks it is then. Double espresso please. Strong. What did I order that for? I should be taking a sedative after that kittenwalk. Must try today's newspaper rack here. DOG FOULING – LATE-NIGHT SITTING OF DERRY CITY COUNCIL. Banner headline would you believe? Christ sake, there's Isis and Assad and Putin and the Turks and the Saudis butchering right left and centre and Christianist extremists taking out wedding parties and hospitals and there's that jackass in the oval office and near enough the rest of the world being run by other nutters and the planet heading towards a war to end all wars and what is Derry City Council doing? Derry City Council is holding an emergency late-night meeting about dogshit. To hell with that. Now, where's the death notices? What page does it say? Twenty-seven. Best part of the whole paper. Always get a bit of relief from reading about some bastard I can't stand that's just after shuffling off the old mortal coil.