Looking back at all I've written so far, I suppose the label certifiable could easily be stuck on me. The problem about being a genius is that you live in a different space from most of the rest of the world and of course you see things more clearly than they do. You perceive simple truths that the insane world can't perceive or don't want to perceive and this can drive you insane, so insane you could easily end up in the mental. As the brilliant playwright Nathaniel Lee said after they put him in a slammer in Bedlam, England's first hospital for the insane: "They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me."

So make no mistake about it, being a genius can be fecking dangerous. You're better not letting people know you're different. A genius has to try and seem as dull and unimaginative as other people – which isn't easy. Oh no. I had this idea one time of joining Mensa, thinking I'd find some souls of like mind but everyone I met there was thicker than a coalhouse door. And arrogant on top of it. You should have seen them. All up their own arses and there wasn't one of them you'd have risked sending out for a loaf of bread or a pint of milk. To hell with Mensa is what I say. Densa would be a better name. I stuck it out for two months with these phoneys and then told them I was having a breakdown. Which I suppose was true. When you suffer from too much sanity and too much brain you're not far off being mad.

I'll give you an example. I listened to a five-part programme on BBC radio awhile back. It was called Whodunnit and it was about the fifty per cent drop in teenage pregnancies in Britain over the past twenty years. Big news, but how did this phenomenon come about? That's what the serialised study set out to examine. It wheeled on these academics by the shitload and they talked about things like government strategy, better sex education, a new sensible generation, cuter use of the condom, more teenagers staying on at college and going to university, less abuse of drugs and alcohol, it being uncool since nineteen ninety-eight for teens to get pregnant and a load of other things I can't remember. Not one of these doctors of drivel had a baldy clue what the real reasons were. If they'd spent less time talking to so-called sexperts and more time jacking off over the problem pages like I do they'd have discovered a thing or two.