Okay, so this is a bit of an intense chapter, so here is a funny video that I found this week! Watch it either before or when you need to take a break, or heck, you don't have to watch it. It's just fun.

Warning: Talking of suicide and past scars and beatings such as wiping. If you want to skip the suicidal parts, they are all the parts italicized. I will summarize it at the end for all those who choose to skip.

Patton pov
I woke writhing in pain. What happened? It took a few seconds for my memory of the night before to come back. My fingers were still bleeding. I could feel the blood pour from under my fingernails as I bit my lip to hold back my whimpering. I tried to shift to ease the pressure. I couldn't stop a yelp from coming out as I held still, eyes screwed shut. I felt a cool cloth slide off my forehead. What? They've never cared enough to do anything remotely good for my health before. What do they have to gain for that? I feel the rag being placed back onto my forehead. Okay, what are they playing at?

"I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

As I listened to the voice, I realized that there were fingers running through my hair. The person was gentle and soothing. I could tell it was a male, but no one I know sounds like this. I felt strangely safe with this man. The voice continued.

"You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But now you left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

"In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me.
When I wake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey

You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't-"

I had managed to pry my eyes open and came face to face with Deceit. His eyes went wide when he caught my gaze and his human side flushed. I felt my face heat up as well. His mouth snapped shut and he looked away. An awkward silence fell upon the room, and I realized I was on my bed.

"Thank you," I whispered out. He must have moved me to my bed since my parents usually just drop me on the floor after I do things worth this much punishment.

He looked surprised as he turned back to me. "Why are you thanking me?" The question confused me.

"Because you helped me? You are helping me." I looked down. "No one else has ever helped me with this." I felt tears form in my eyes and went to quickly wipe them away. I let out a yelp and bit my lip. My hands hurt so bad. He must have noticed me trying to move my hands, because he gently took one of them in his and rubbed soft circles on its back with his thumb. He then wiped the tears from my cheeks with the other. His face held a concentrated look, his gaze never wavering from his work. He was avoiding eye contact for some reason.

I make an attempt to sit up, causing him to protest, "What do you think you are doing?!" Ignoring him, I try to push myself up, but it isn't really helpful to have my hands out of use. Sighing, he gave in and helped me get into a sitting position. He leaned my back against the wall, which doesn't hurt as much anymore compared to the new… improvements my parents have made.

"Thanks for giving me a hand." I snicker as Deceit groaned. I looked down at my hands and sighed. They were bandaged up and will probably take a few days to heal. Each of my fingers had their own little cotton balls that were wrapped into place with fresh gauze. The cotton was already mostly bled through and I winced at the memory. My mother's sickening laugh. My silent screams Father's harsh, threatening voice. A silent sob I could barely make out coming from the corner. I remember drifting in and out of consciousness during the session. 

I think back to my friends. How will they react? I still have a week left of school before summer, and I don't think I can use my hands much during that time. How will I hide this? It will be easy to hide my other injuries gained from last night, but they never did this during the school year. I screw my eyes shut. Thinking. What do I do? I can't have my friends worrying about me. They don't deserve that. 

Deceit tapped me on my forehead, and I looked up. "What are you thinking about?" I gave him a confused look. Why does he want to know what I'm thinking about?

"Um… my friends," He looked like he was staring into my soul.

"Do they know about…" he motioned to my body, indicating all of my scars.

"No, they don't. But they shouldn't have to worry. I'm fine."

"You are not fine." He hissed out, causing me to jump back a little and whimpered at my hands' movement. He noticed this, and his voice softened. "Who knows?" I sucked in a breath.

"Mother, Father, and… you." I bit my lip. It was definitely not the answer he wanted, but there was no use in lying to him. He was glaring at the wall, lost in thought. He isn't going to be happy.

"How long?" What? That wasn't what I expected him to ask. He is supposed to yell at me for not telling anyone, then I defend myself. Now he's asking how long… how long what? How long have I been going through this? How long will it take for me to stand up for myself? How long will it take until I am worthy of better? What does he mean by how long? He must have noticed my confusion because he then said, "How long have you been treated this way?"

"I…" What am I supposed to reply? Oh! Considering how I have always deserved it… as long as I have lived? Does that answer suffice? He might view my parents as monsters. They aren't! They still love me… I think. They are just teaching me to be responsible and to always remember the consequences to your actions! "As long as I've deserved it." I hope that works.

"What could you have done to deserve this?!" He hissed, causing me to scrunch my eyes closed again. I heard him sigh and I immediately felt guilty. I shouldn't have said anything! Now he's mad at you! I felt the bed weigh down to my right and fabric move against my arm. A weight was added to my upper arm. Looking down, I saw Deceit leaning against me. He really is tiny. His head didn't even come up to my shoulders when sitting down. His hand rested on my calf and we just sat there, in a comfortable silence, for what felt like hours.

Eventually, my stomach rumbled and I felt myself flush as I laughed awkwardly. He chuckled and looked up at me. His eyes were full. I can't place what they are full of, but they are full. We break eye contact at the same time, both of our cheeks becoming a bit redder. I check the time and let out a sigh. 3:15. Most of the day has been spent on my bed, which is probably a good thing. My stomach grumbles again and I laugh. I get why it's so upset. It needs food to heal me and I haven't eaten since that frosty. Wait… how did deceit get that food in the first place? It's not like he can float right in, order something, and float right back.

Deceit stood up and looked back at me with a smirk. "Need something?" I opened my mouth to ask what the heck he meant, when he walked over to the window, cracked it open, then floated out through the wall. Why did he crack the window open? And where is he going? My head started pounding and I clenched my jaw, trying to ease the pressure. Gosh dang it! I don't need a headache right now! Would it kill the universe to go easy on me? I scrunched my eyes shut, feeling tears start to form. Not again! No! I refuse to cry! I am fine! Stop it! Get over it! You are being pathetic! 

I try to swallow, but find that my throat is still parched. That must be it. I must be too dehydrated. I let out a harsh laugh. Of course. Why not? The more pain the merrier, right? Patton isn't allowed to be happy. Patton isn't allowed to be free of pain. No, no. That's ridiculous. Happiness? Never met her. Pain? Oh yeah! She's an old friend! We go way back!

Scanning the room, I find my water bottle right next to my school bag. I look at my leg, and wonder if it can make it. Heck, I hurt all over! Why would my leg be any different? Oh yeah. I still remember pulling it out! I scanned my desk, finding the pencil. Half of it was covered in dry, brown, blood, letting me know how deep it went. I should probably check on that injury, but I can't get myself to move.

My attention was then drawn to my hands. They hurt so much. I try to move them again to ease the pain, but that just made it worse. I yelped and held my hands as still as I could, staring at them from a distance. Someone must have wrapped my fingers, and I think I can guess who. Considering the blood on the carpet, I was discarded in my room like a child would do to a useless toy. What a perfect analogy, I thought with an eye roll. It's true though. It has and always will be. I am a useless being, still needing to prove my worth.

Why not just get thrown in the trash? Be done with this life? I have full access to the kitchen and the knives. Plus I have my rainbow knife collection in my closet.

No! Don't have these thoughts! They are good in theory, sure. The idea of no pain or suffering? Sign me up. But… I can't. I can't do that to the people I love. 

Logan wouldn't be able to handle that much emotion and be angry he didn't see the signs sooner. The signs I work so hard to hide. 

Roman would feel like he failed. He is the protector! The dashing prince charming who is supposed to save all. He would cry feeling like he wasn't good enough for me, when I can fight my own battles and take care of it. He can't help what he doesn't know, and he would still find himself to blame.

And, finally, Virgil. My strange dark son. He has fought through his own trials before, and is still going through them. I am there for him and listen when he needs it. He tells me about his life. From traumatic parts of his past, to his undeniable feelings for Logan. He shouldn't have to carry that burden alone, and me dying will just add to his pain. No, he doesn't deserve that.

Heck, now that I think about it, I listen to all of them when they need it.

I watched as a fourteen year old Virgil hurriedly rush out of the library and down the hall, not noticing me. Why was he in such a rush? I turned to follow him, when I heard soft crying coming from within the library. When I went in, I was surprised to find Logan with his head in his hands, crying.

I silently walked up to him and put my hand on his back. He jumped back, startled, making it so I could clearly see the tears on his face. He quickly wiped his eyes and placed a neutral expression on his face. "Ah, Patton. Sorry that you had to see me like that, I was just…" he trailed off, not sure what to say, "Anyway, I should probably get home now-" I cut him off with a hug and felt him stiffen. Slowly, I felt his arms wrap around me and tears on my shirt.

We remained like that for quite some time, but that was fine. He needs to let all of these emotions out. Once he had calmed down, he tried to apologise again. "Don't," I said softly, cutting him off. "Don't apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for." I took a deep breath before continuing, "Do you want to talk about it, kiddo?" A soft smile played on his lips from the nickname, but it quickly dropped as he averted his eyes.

"Do you want to hear about it?" I nodded and he bit his lip nervously. "Well… I hate emotions. They are the bane of my existence. However, I can't help but have them. I don't understand what I feel or why. It is ridiculous, really." I raised an eyebrow at him, and he must have taken the hint, "Anyways, I have this… this feeling. It's towards Virgil. I don't understand it and I am so confused on what it is. I feel this… this warmth in my chest when talking to him, and his smile causes my heart's speed to increase. When he touches my hand, I feel… happy? Like butterflies are flying around my head and I feel as if I were flying. I tried looking this up, but I got nothing. It's not a fever or cold. Not a killer virus or an allergic reaction to something I ate. I don't understand." He placed his face in his hands again and I smiled at how obvious it was. 

Before I could answer him, he continued, "Today… today I made a mistake. I misinterpreted the situation and Virgil and I got into a disagreement. It was stupid, and could have easily been avoided, but I refused to listen. I made him cry, and he ran out of the room. I tried to stop him, to apologise, but he was already out the door. It made me feel… I felt like the world was on my shoulders. As if all that weight came crashing down on me, and… I have never felt worse. It made me think. Would he be happier if I wasn't here?" I gasped. Logan had suicidal thoughts. I felt myself tear up as I watched Logan start to cry again. "All I usually do is make Virgil feel awful and I don't mean to. I jump to conclusions, I don't take emotions into account, and this isn't just from this one time! I have hurt so many people because I was inconsiderate. It-," his breathing hitched, "it would be better for everyone if I just… left. Left the equation. I'm not an important person. No one would worry about having been outsmarted in class, so they would feel better, and I wouldn't have to deal with these… these emotions."

He looked up and I saw how distressed he really was. "Logan," I started. My voice shook from all the emotions I was holding back, "you are irreplaceable. Virgil never has, and never will hate you. You mean so much to him, you have no idea." He looked like he was about to object, but I continued, cutting him off, "Do you want to know what Virgil told me? He told me that your smile makes his day, he told me that you had the brightest smile around when you let it show. Your smile alone is enough to cheer him up. When you speak, he told me it sounded like a mighty ruler. You speak your mind with a confidence that he can't even imagine having. He looks up to you in so many ways. He loves it when you rap. Even though you don't always make it up, you say it with such ease and grace that it could easily have been your own work." My mind flashed back to when Roman and Logan had an epic rap battle, ending with Logan being the winner. "And don't get me started with how many times you have helped him. You have cared for him through so many trials and anxiety attacks! You taught him how to ground himself when he gets worked up." I paused, letting that sink in.

"And, Logan Crofters, don't you dare say you aren't important. You are essential. You are more important than all the stars in the sky." He opened his mouth, probably to correct me with some logical crap. "You are more important than all the stars in the sky, to me. I know you are more important than Disney to Roman. And I know you are more important than anything else in this entire universe to Virgil. Don't let your doubts lead your heart. You just think about us when you are having these thoughts. We are your family and we will always love you. No matter what. That's why I L Y is in the word.

"And Logan, feelings… they suck." He looked shocked at this. I know, I seem to live off my emotions and seem to handle them so well. I am the one they look to when they don't know how they feel. "They are the worst. Bad and good. They cause us to do stupid things. But… they can be a good thing too." I closed my eyes, "The hardest battle is between what you know in your head and what you feel in your heart." Logan's eyebrows drew together as he considered this.

 I looked at my hands, but I didn't let that stop me, "Sometimes we wish for life to be easy. To just sit back, and gain knowledge to rule the world. Our hearts… our emotions don't let us. They pull us into things that can and will get us hurt. They stop us from living simple, easy lives. They put us through pain and suffering, all for… what? There is no purpose." 

I looked up into his eyes, "Unless you choose to be positive. If you look on the bright side. The heart, for all the pain and suffering it puts us through, it also pulls us into amazing situations. We meet friends who help us and care for us because of these dumb feelings. We experience joy and love because our hearts refuse to stop. They refuse to stop giving us emotions. They refuse to stop caring for us. They know that they can give us pain, but they also know that pain is sometimes worth it when you end up with something better. They make sure we have the best lives. You try to bury your heart. Keep it under all of your wraps. Logan, you are amazing and deserve happiness. You deserve the happiness your heart gives you. You are worth so much more than you will ever know." He was sobbing at this point, and I went forward and wrapped him in another hug.

After he finished crying, we were rushed out of the library by the librarians and spent the rest of the day together. We ended up going to a Starbucks and getting drinks while talking about the most random things. After we finished talking about our homework assignment from one of our classes, he looked me in the eye, "Thank you, Patton. I really needed this. Know that, if you ever need it, you can always talk to me as well. I am always willing to lend an ear." I smiled and agreed, knowing well that it was a lie. I love Logan to death, but I can't break him. He doesn't deserve that.

I thought about the memory some more. As soon as I got home, I was beaten for being late. I had gotten home around six thirty when they expected me home right after school at four. It was totally worth it though. Logan was happy. He no longer felt the need to die. Another memory flashed before my eyes.

I was walking over to the theater room to get Roman for lunch, when I heard a bang. I rushed behind the curtains, looking for the source of the sound, to find the twelve year old Roman lying on his belly on the ground, feet tangled in a cord. I chuckled as I looked down at him, "Need some help there, kiddo?" What I heard was not what I expected. I expected a laughing, smiling Roman. But that's not what I got.

"Leave me alone." He sounded broken, like he had been crying. I was immediately concerned. I knelt down next to him.

"What's wrong?" He turned his face towards me, so I could see his tear stained face.

"Oh, nothing. I just have the worst brother ever." He said in his usual dramatic ways.

"What do you mean?"

"Remus… he always teases me. Whenever I take offense to it, he calls me a wimp for not being able to take a joke. Today he went too far. He insulted my acting. He said that I was the worst he has ever seen and that I am a shame to the family." He bit his lip, "He said… he said… I wonder how much better the world would be without you." I gasped. Despite what Roman says, I know that he loves his brother. All of Remus's comments and critics are taken to heart by his brother and he tries to grow to his standards. If Remus recommends that Roman should die, it isn't taken as a joke. "And the sad part is, he's right. I don't deserve this. I am not worth it. You know, I once asked him why he picked at my every flaw and showed them to the world. He replied… well… here." Roman pushed himself up into a sitting position and handed me his phone. He had pulled up the photos app and there was a picture of a snap Remus sent. It said 'Mom and Dad think you're perfect…. I have to do whatever it takes so that they see I'm not the only one who screws up.' I handed the phone back to Roman, shocked. 

He let out a broken laugh. "Every single mistake. Every single error. I am not allowed to mess up without the world knowing. I'm not allowed to mess up. Everytime I do, people are disappointed. I can't… I can't do it anymore. Remus is right. Life would be so much better for him… for everyone… if I wasn't a part of it." He started crying again and curled up. I wrapped my arms around him and cried with him.

"Roman," I said softly, "You are allowed to make mistakes. Everybody does. Heck, I make mistakes all the time!" He laughed at that.

"You? Make mistakes? Please! You are perfect, Padre! You have never made a mistake!" He missed my flinch at his words. I… I'm a different case. I get punished for my mistakes. I am physically not allowed to make mistakes. Roman is.

"Yeah I do! I once tripped in that school assembly, causing a domino effect with the students! I was so embarrassed, and the only one left standing. I apologized so much after that!" My smile dropped once I remembered what happened when I got home. They went with the other parents and were watching from the back. That was the first time they whipped me.

"Yeah, in elementary school, Patton! We were six! I still have no idea how you managed to do that." I let out a shy chuckle.

"There was also that time I broke that window…" Roman's eyes grew wide.

"You, Patton Morale, broke a window?!" He looked flabbergasted. I laughed and nodded. That was not a good day for me. I was eleven and had Virgil over in my front yard. My parents had allowed him to come over. We were playing baseball and he was pitching. I hit it and watched in slow motion as it broke through my parents bedroom window. I was mortified and Virgil felt horrible. That was the last time I was allowed to have friends over. That night, I was put through so much pain, I couldn't stand it. I had actually tried to escape, which ended up with me getting even more hurt.

"Roman. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. If you don't make mistakes, you will never go anywhere in life. You need to learn from them and cherish them. Remus has you looking at it like they are a bad thing, but look at him. He has made mistakes before. He has also learned from them. I have made mistakes. I broke that window and I've learned to not play with balls by the house." I have also learned that you can't fight the inevitable so why run from it? I added silently. "You also need to realize that your brother loves you. He truly does. He wants to see you happy. I know this is hard to believe, but siblings are weird. I can't explain it, but when he looks at you, I can see the admiration and love he has for you in his eyes. He never meant to hurt you, but he compares himself to you too much. Everyone does. He needs to learn that he is his own individual and people are going to judge. But that's not your fault. You can't get blamed for his actions.

"You are amazing and the world would be so much duller if you weren't a part of it. I think you are also missing the fact that we love you. When you are having a hard time, we are here to pick you up again and fight alongside you. You are not alone and so much more loved than you realize. Your brother was crossing a line when he said those things and he refuses to acknowledge that. You need to know that there is no brighter star on this earth than you. You give off this glow, this light. You brighten up the world. Please, don't leave that behind because your brother made a mistake." Roman shook in my arms from his sobs. I held him close and rubbed comforting circles onto his back.

I was surprised to feel more hands wrap around us. We looked up to find Remus. He was crying and had a look of pure desperation on his face. He must have heard what we were talking about.

"Roman! I am so sorry! I had no idea I made you feel that way! I meant nothing from what I said earlier! It was a joke, and I didn't realize how much it would affect you! Please don't leave me! I love you more than life itself! Please! I'll change! I'll be better! Just please! Don't go…" he sobbed out the last sentence, "Don't die." The twins were both crying messes and I backed away to give them some space.

That night I wanted to ask my parents something. Something I learned from the twins. "Mom? Dad?"

"What is it you little brat?" My dad's voice rang out from the living room. I found them on the couch, watching a show. They paused it and glared at me.

"Are you serious… about all the things you have said about me and called me? Do you… do you love me?" I felt tears well up in my eyes. They looked at each other and laughed.

"Patton," my mom started, "Why would we lie to you? What reason do we have to lie?" 

My father stopped laughing and added in, "Why would we ever love a mistake like you? You've never deserved it."

"But I have." I was shocked by the words coming out of my mouth, "I… I mean… I do everything you ask me to. I try to follow all of your rules and don't complain when I get punished. I give my all into everything I do for you… why… Why aren't I enough?" My father stood and made his way across the room to me. I was hoping that it would turn out like how the twins' did. How he would apologise and we would hug. That's not what happened. 

I felt a punch in the stomach as my dad grabbed my shoulder and whispered into my ear, "Because you are a mistake and you will always be one. You disgust me and are a worthless little nobody who will amount to nothing." He then threw me to the ground and… well… you can guess what happened.

I sighed as I remembered begging for their forgiveness. That night was not my best. I remember after that, I never questioned my parents again. You learn from your mistakes, right? I made the mistake of thinking they actually cared. Now I know better. Roman had also come up to me after that day and offered to listen to anything I might need to vent. I turned him down, of course, claiming I was fine. Why can't I get myself to tell anyone?

A five year old boy was crying on a corner street. I was walking to get the mail for my parents when I saw him. I ran up to him and looked at him.

"Why are you crying?" I asked him, completely puzzled. His head shot up and he began to shake. "Hey, it's okay! I'm not mean, my name is Patton! What's your name?"

"V-Virgil," came a soft reply. I smiled.

"That's a wonderful name! Well Virgil," I sat down next to him on the curb, "What's wrong?"

He looked sceptical but answered my question, "H-Henry and his friends keep picking on me be-because I like to paint my nails." I looked down at his hands, and sure enough, he had purple nail polish that sparkled in the sun.

"You paint your nails? That's so cool!" He seemed a little shocked by my answer. "Henry and his friends don't know what they're talking about. They're just jealous because they don't have sparkling purple nails."

"R-really?" I nodded. We talked for a while out there before I realized my parents were probably waiting for me.

"I have to go, but do you want to meet up sometime?" He nodded. "Ooh! Maybe we can meet up tomorrow at the park! Same time?" A huge smile grew on his lips.

"Yes!" He looked excited, "Thank you Pap… Pat… um… Pop… er… what's your name again?" I laughed.

"I'm your happy pappy Patton!" He smiled at my enthusiasm and we went our separate ways.

Those were the first days I was really there for my friends. The first day they needed help, and I gave it. The first day they trusted me enough to open up. I met Virgil when we were five years old. We were each other's only friends throughout elementary school. We met Logan and Roman in middle school and that's when they finally trusted me enough to truly express themselves. With Roman it was in sixth grade, and Logan it was in eighth. I think I'm the only person Virgil has opened up to, and that took years for him to finally start telling me so I could help. I love my family so much. This… this is why I can't die. They need me. I need to help them. I came up with this equation as a child. The stress of the world, that's positive numbers being added to my friends' back. No one should have to deal with so much, so I made a promise to myself to be a negative number. I can't die because that will make me a zero, not helping, but not exactly hurting either. I need to help them. I can't be a zero, they don't deserve that. Even if that means adding to my own numbers.

Summary:
Patton's memories as a younger child talking each friend out of suicide. Logan first, then Roman, and lastly, Virgil. With Logan they were 14, Roman was 12, and Virgil was 5. Virgil technically wasn't having suicidal thoughts, only the first two. He was being bullied, however and Patton helped him through it. If you want to go back and read it, that should be fine. I forgot about that part, sorry. Anywho. Patton all helped them during huge dramatic periods in their lives when they all needed help. It expresses the first time he was there for them individually.

5596 Words... Dang... What is wrong with me? 😂
On a different note, thank you for sticking with me until the end! Sorry, this was very emotional. I hope you all have a marvelous day!

💖 Maybay4