I slipped into my leggings and an oversized white t-shirt. I was getting thinner and paler day by day as I tried to cover it up. I didn't want to be admitted to the hospice care centre with half of beautiful summer still left. I wanted to be healthy this entire summer- I had to be healthy because the loveliness of summer blossomed in my heart.

Afternoon during summer was reckless and wild, but the rest of the day was tamed and serene. Rhododendrons bloomed beside every house adding variety of colours to the clean streets, dahlias blossoming cheered our spirits with their pom-pom like shapes and the sunflower farms at the outskirts of our town enveloped each new guest with brightness and zeal.

The aroma of fresh, ripened apricots and plums wafted around the air, fading slowly as one neared the ocean. The clear sky and the still ocean merged together, appearing infinite. Children played dodgeball on the beach, their hot, sticky faces gleaming under the sun. The overlapping voices of the town folk, the birds, the insects and the dashing of the waves gave a dazzling spirit to the town.

Everything about summer screamed warmth and life and I wanted to live.

"JJ, come down!" Shaun's loud voice echoed in the house as I hurriedly left my room.

Shaun, Gemma and I were going out for ice cream, a sort of parting ritual since Shaun's flight to France was tonight. Shaun promised me that he would come to visit us in two months once he would settle there even if it was temporary. That consoled my mum who secretly worried that Shaun would be able to come only once I'm long gone- cold, dead and in ashes.

"I'm coming!" I shouted back and once I arrived in the living room, I was greeted by two smiling faces of my siblings. I tried to catch my breath and returned their smile. "Here I am, now let's go."

"Actually JJ . . . " Shaun trailed off, exchanging a knowing glance with Gemma. "I called Marilyn---"

I interrupted in an accusing tone, "What? Why? It was supposed to be only us, you said so!"

"---and Gemma called Jamal."

"What, you too Gem?" I shot her an incredulous look, but Gemma's gaze was averted to the floor. "I don't have any problem with them coming- they're my friends too and it's only ice cream, but you both should have told me before. I would have brought Logan with me. Now you will stick to Marilyn and Gemma to Jamal leaving me all alone."

"That has been taken care of little sis," Shaun said with an impish grin. Just then, the door opened and Marilyn nonchalantly strode in, Jamal right behind her making disgusting fart noises with his fist and mouth that caused Gemma's face to ripple with childish laughter and Logan hunching behind Jamal, frowning at his lame humour. Logan . . . Logan!

I looked at Logan with surprise and curiosity. "Logan, I thought you were at the flower shop."

"Lunch break." He shrugged and I mentally slapped my forehead, of course it was break time. "They said I could join."

"Surely you can, come on. Let's go," I said, raising my voice so the others who were busy chatting with each other could hear me. Jamal continued with the fart noises, but somehow it came out different each time he did it. Gemma tried to imitate him, ignoring me. "Jamie stop making that--- oooh what was that sound?"

"I farted for real!" Jamal announced, bursting into a fit of laughter and collapsing on the sofa.

"What the hell, that's my beloved pillow! Get up, get up, get up!" I shrieked as Jamal deliberately smashed his butt further on the cushion. I stomped to him and pulled his t-shirt roughly. "Ew, stop."

"Chill out yo," he said finally getting up. "Let's go quickly and buy some ice to cool this grumpy ass Blondie here."

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and grinned at Logan who's lips were curled up in amusement. I turned to Shaun. "We can't go to Baskin-Robbins in your little car, we all won't fit and it's too far to walk. We should go to the dairy."

"Dairy it is then," Shaun agreed as we left our home. Mum and dad were out buying groceries and for some work, so we locked the empty house. As we walked, Shaun and Marilyn were talking in hushed whispers, Jamal was talking- rather teasing Gemma loudly who took his every word seriously and blushed while Logan and I talked about his new job.

"Night time deliveries are scary," I said truthfully, totally spooked that Logan would be doing night shift at the drugstore.

"It's not scary, it's okay," Logan replied, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. "You kind of get used to it."

"Well yes, but what if some psycho murders you in his haunted house where he keeps a collection of twisted, blood mangled corpses," I said excitedly, remembering the few horror novels I had read. "If that happens, then in a few months I'll meet you in heaven."

"Yeah and we'll be ghosts together, forever and always," Logan said wryly.

"That's something to look forward to . . . Hey, I thought this Sunday-ouch! Jamie, you're stepping on my fricking shoe!" I yelped and Jamal just smiled smugly.

"Sorry, sorry, never thought I could hurt a dying girl," he remarked and this earned a glare from Logan and a perplexed look from Gemma. "Alright, sorry boyfriend. I won't hurt your Blondie."

"We're not boyfriend and girlfriend," I corrected, but Jamal's attention was back on Gemma. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and as much as I wanted to scream, 'TAKE YOUR PAWS OFF MY LITTLE GEM OF A SISTER YOU GOAT!'  I didn't have the energy to do so. So instead, I simply sighed and looked at Logan. "Anyway, what was I saying?"

"Something about this Sunday."

"Oh yeah . . . So I was thinking that this Sunday we can go on a picnic. Grandpa will go to the sunflower farm in the morning and he can drop us there. It's heavenly and the farm owners won't mind us there." I studied Logan's expression as I expressed my ideas. His face was stoic, his facial muscles barely twitching. "What do you think? Fun?"

Logan stared at me- long and hard. "I don't know."

"Why? What are your plans for Sunday? Do you have any work?" I bombarded him with numerous such questions.

"No," he answered. "I don't have work."

"Then?"

He looked a bit irritated. "I-I was thinking of sleeping."

"And?" I quirked my eyebrow in question.

"Sleeping," he repeated and noticed my baffled expression. He confirmed, "The entire day."

"What? No! I'm not letting you waste your Sunday like that," I said with determination. "You're coming with me."

He now looked exasperated by my declaration. "Joy---"

"No, you're coming with me whether you like it or not," I refused his excuses stubbornly. "Besides, I guarantee you that you'll have fun! And you need more fun in your life, believe me. Everyone needs fun in their dull lives. You don't have to be dying like me to know how to live."

"You're forcing me," he pointed the obvious with a scowl. I grinned cheekily and he let out a breath. "You already said I'm coming and you're leaving me no choice."

"Damn right," I said triumphantly and we continued to walk silently for a few minutes. I took a glimpse of his fresh face and realized that today he looked particularly attractive with neatly showered and combed hair, alert eyes and relaxed jaw. "Hey Logan, I wanted to ask you something."

His entire demeanour changed from laid back to cranky. His tone was clipped, "What now?"

"Easy there angry, young man. I don't intend to disturb any of your sleep routine. I'm just striking a conversation," I said playfully and he nodded. "Well, I wanted to know . . . Do you regret not jumping from the bridge that day?" He stopped walking, his gaze fixed on me vehemently and it was when Jamal bumped into him from behind, did I pull him along. "I'm sorry that came out of nowhere. You can ignore it."

"No," he said suddenly, tugging at his sleeves. I felt guilty making him uncomfortable, but he continued, "No, I don't regret now. I used to. After that-that day when we spoke for the second time, I said that I regret not doing it---"

"Yeah I remember."

"---I meant it," he finished, watching my mouth form an 'o' shape. "Now I don't regret. Those days I regretted because I didn't have anyone and I thought that-that I wouldn't be hurting anyone. But now, I have . . . " His gaze flickered to me. "I have . . .  people."

"I'm glad you feel that way. Did I annoy you in the beginning?" I recalled the days when he was always snappy and peeved. "Did I push you into doing something you didn't want to do?"

"You're still pushing me," he quipped and I punched his arm gently.

"You know what I mean. Did I?"

"You're talking like the counsellor," he commented, his eyebrows furrowing. "But yeah, initially you-you did annoy me a great deal." His reply was honest. "I-I didn't want to be helped those days . . . I just w-wanted to do it."

"End it all?" I said without flinching.

He nodded quietly, his voice faltering a little, "I was confused when you said you would . . . That you would do it if I did."

"Yeah, I'm sorry for the blackmailing part. I wasn't thinking right and I realized that within seconds. Were you threatened by it?"

He scoffed. "No, I was just angry. I knew you wouldn't do it. I knew it was an empty threat and then you stopped saying that. You said something about being s-strong and shit like that."

"Shit like that! I meant those words!" I exclaimed indignantly.

"Yeah I know and it-it did help a bit," he admitted in a low voice. "I think I didn't do it that day because-because of what you said, but also because I-I didn't want to create a scene. I didn't want any witness to see what I was going to do."

"Makes sense," I mused. He probably didn't want any witness for the fear that once he plunged down, someone would come to rescue him and he didn't want to be saved the hard way. He would have thought of not taking his own life then and delaying it so there wouldn't be any fuss. I shuddered at that thought. A world without Logan would be bleak. I whispered almost involuntarily as fear gripped my soul, "Logan, would you attempt to do it again?"

He noticed the fear evident on my face as he hesitantly held my warm hand and intertwined our fingers. We both looked down at our joined hands. He tightened his hold and breathed, "Never Joy."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. The flecks of fire in his cool sea-coloured eyes, his knotted thick eyebrows, his straight nose, the slight curve of his lips, his determined chin, his clenched jaw set firmly promised me-promised me that he wouldn't think of ripping the beautiful beating heart of his body.

"Oh Gosh! The feel of undying love!" We both heard a dramatic cry from behind as we quickly retracted our hands. Jamal clutched his chest and wailed, "Oh the love! Ah the tragedy! Yo the sex! 'Tis lit!"

"Shut up," Logan and I both mumbled. Logan's cheeks flamed and I felt my own getting hotter. All inquisitive eyes of Marilyn, Shaun and Gemma was on us, criticising as if we actually did something.

"Stop paying heed to Jamie, he talks nonsense, you guys know that," I tried to brush off the topic as Jamal continued to moan and God knew what. It sounded like asthmatic hyenas playing football. "I swear Jamie shut up, there are kids coming here- oh kids!"

My group seemed puzzled as I bubbled with enthusiasm when I saw a bunch of sweaty six year old kids pushing, pulling and running around each other in front of us.

"Hey guys, want some free ice cream?" I shouted and that immediately grabbed their attention. "Come here, ice creams on me!"

There was a series of 'yay's' and 'ooh's' and 'aah's' and 'ice creaaaaam' intervened by Jamal's suspicious voice, "Are we planning to kidnap them Blondie?"

"No Jamie my dearest, I promised Uncle Desmond that I would bring children to his wife's dairy. She misses the company of little ones and I'm sure this'll make her happy," I explained. Jamal wiped an imaginary tear as I swatted his hand away. "I'm serious."

"Come on Jamal, stop making fun of her always," Shaun said tiredly and Marilyn looked a tad amused.

"It's very touching yo, I wish you could extend your generosity to hungry, poor children like me." Jamal batted his eyelashes and then patiently elucidated his joke to Gemma who took his words literally and pointed out that he wasn't hungry or poor and definitely not a child.

I felt a tug at my t-shirt and wide, greedy eyes were staring back at me. I giggled and said, "Alright kids, let's go."

We all went to the dairy- rather ran to it since the kids won't stop shoving us. They stayed away from the intimidating Marilyn who was just watching and following us. Shaun and Gemma were getting pushed by a handful of kids to move faster while I was encouraging the shy ones to come along. Jamal was arguing with two naughty ones who had called him names and were continuing to call him a loser. Jamal didn't back away and fired back with colourful words a kid shouldn't hear while I tried to shush him. One little girl had taken fascination in Logan as she swung his arm repeatedly, bounced beside him and talked about things in a squeaky voice. Logan and my eyes met and he smiled at me awkwardly.

Uncle Desmond's wife was over the moon when we arrived. Her eyes had become teary as she joyfully handed popsicles to the kids. They surrounded around her and wiped their sticky tiny fingers on her dress, but she didn't mind. Once the kids were done, they praised me and Uncle Desmond's wife who had adoration shining in her narrow eyes. The kids scurried away merrily, screeching and laughing.

Jamal, Gemma, Logan and I were crammed up in one booth, our knees touching each other's while Shaun and Marilyn were sitting outside on the footpath. I had my typical lumpy milkshake- this time banana and caramel, Logan had a plain vanilla while Jamal and Gemma were biting in their respective cornetto- butterscotch and oreo.

Uncle Desmond's wife thanked us, reminding me of the grandma I never had and as we exited the dairy with smiles on our faces despite the scorching heat, we were happy.

We were happy and that was all that mattered.