~~~

TRIGGER WARNING!!

implied character death
and depressive
thoughts

this chapter is also mostly gonna have a lot of  monologue since
it would focus on Soobin

~~~

Soobin found himself standing in the doorway of the patient's lounge located at the 15th floor.

There was always no one in there each time he went so he felt appreciative of the consistent coincidence. But perhaps, it was only because the lounge was deliberately smaller than the ones on the lower floors and the fact that it could be found on the floor that was rarely visited by patients and workers alike.

There wasn't any reason for them to be wondering in that corridor anyway, since most of the occupied rooms are the ones below.

And Soobin, being completely aware of that fact, simply took advantage.

It was no longer a secret that Soobin enjoys and values self-company so it didn't come as a surprise that he prefers to be alone wherever he may go inside the facility. All he ever needed was the presence of his books to accompany him and to keep his mind from venturing his dark thoughts that he's so tired of dealing with.

For the years he's been staying in the facility, this room has become one of the few places he likes to be in the most. (The least being the gym and the other therapy rooms— his nurse, Namjoon, can not know about this or else he's to receive another set of scolding.) And since there's basically nobody around in this lounge, he gets to have this room all to himself.

Someone might think it's irrelevant though and lacking of significance for Soobin already owns a room, so what's the point of having another one several floors above his original one? It's just a lot of work and a waste of time.

However, it's a different case if that room happens to be the last place where you got to see someone so important to you.

It happened a few years ago, when Soobin was just a 16 years old boy but the memory is still fresh inside Soobin's mind no matter how many times he tried to bury it somewhere far.

The pain and the aftertaste of remorse is still there— dark, bitter and hot on his tongue like it only happened yesterday. And although Soobin had already told himself countless of times that he's over it and that he's fine, he knows he isn't.

Maybe he'll never be. Maybe he'll never be fine so there's no point in trying to convince himself otherwise and constantly lying anymore.

He's not fine.

He hasn't been in a long time. And he has become too used to this feeling that he doesn't want to be okay anymore. He just wants this to end.

Wants everything to end because he's so tired and he just keeps on getting more and more exhausted every single day and he just wants to rest.

Preferably, forever.

Soobin's eyes were blank as he scanned the room before slowly entering inside the lounge, not forgetting to close the door behind him.

His steps were slow, heavy and familiar— the same way he remembered he did 4 years ago when he left the head director's office to hide from his parents because he was stupid and naive and full of petty emotions so he resorted in leaving them like a total jerk.

It was his first day at the facility and he was unreasonably mad at his parents because they decided to admit him there.

And his young immature mind thought that it was their way of abandoning him because they grew tired of having to look after him for a year after his diagnosis.

Instead of thinking it was for his own wellbeing,  he selfishly accuse them of abandonment.

Soobin was too deep and lost inside his anger caused by the thought of him being abandoned in the dark that he refused to think about what his parents could've felt.

He didn't even consider that this action might have hurt his parents too and the decision of having to leave him in the facility to be get better was also hard for them but it was needed.

Soobin knew it was needed but he was too idiotic of a fool to even consider other people's emotion other than his.

So when he got to this deserted lounge, he curled up into a ball on this one corner and sob in frustration.

Repeatedly mumbling about how much he hated his parents and blaming them for his condition even though it made no correlation at all.

He just wanted to put his anger out on them like an ungrateful kid.

That wasn't all though.

Because minutes later and his mom found him there. An apologetic and pained expression clearly etched on her features but Soobin ignored it and avoided her touch when she tried to console him.

Worse, his whispers turned to talking until he was straight up yelling into his mother's face about how much he didn't want to see her anymore.

Soobin winced from the memory.

Regret— what a nasty feeling he had to endure for the rest of his pathetic life.

The dark haired male then made his final stride when he finally reached the corner he avoided for years after the incident. He couldn't bring himself to be in that very same place again after the news had been broken into him— couldn't even walk towards it without being reminded of his past actions and simultaneously sinking in a quicksand of remorse.

If only he could turn back time.

Soobin dismissed the thought as quickly as it appeared. Scolding himself mentally for even daring have some sort of wishful thinking he knew would never happen.

It was pathetic and he was done pitying his own self. But, when he sits down on that spot with his back pressed against the wall just like what occurred 4 years ago, Soobin couldn't help but unlock these floodgates of emotions he kept repressed and sworn to never open.

And before he could catch himself, it was already too late.

He sits there with his knees curled up to his chest, eyes shut close as he let his mind wander to that moment he didn't thought would be the last time he would have to see his mother.

~~~

After learning that his parents brought him to that care-facility to be admitted and not for a scheduled checkup, Soobin immediately felt hurt and betrayed.

The betrayal he felt quickly clouded his mind as if a smoke bomb was fired directly at his face so he couldn't see anything else anymore aside from the nasty feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

You see, the thing about betrayal is that it never comes from our enemies but rather, from those who we trust the most.

And to Soobin's case, having his parents, his own mother, do this to him, amplified that feeling tenfold.

He got up off his seat with the chair creating a loud screech from the force and threw a dark glare at his mom's direction.

"You want to get rid of me?" Soobin found himself asking but he almost didn't hear his own voice over the sound of his agitation and disbelief and all the other emotions he thought he wouldn't feel because of his mother— the person whom he valued and trusted the most but here he was, heart aching and mind running wild due to rage and disappointment.

His chest was starting to burn but he ignored it because it was making him even more annoyed since it was the very reason why all of this was happening.

If only he could be any other kid his age, healthy and fit. Without always having to worry about his lungs running out of air and just doing whatever the fuck he wanted.

If only he could be someone without this damn hindrance of an illness, then maybe his mom wouldn't think about abandoning him in this shitty place disguised as treatment center.

Oh wait–

Maybe that's it.

Maybe his mom really did want to start over the moment she married another man and it was just Soobin holding her back from rewriting her story and now that she found her reason to finally, finally get him out of her life, she was more than glad to take it.

All he was, was a fucking hindrance.

"Soobin-ah, it's not for me but for your own sake–" his mom said, eyes pleading but Soobin refused to fall for that so he cut her off.

"My own sake? You're throwing me away! Your own son! Of course it's for your sake so you can finally have the perfect little life you always wanted to hav–"

"Soobin that's enough."

"You are not my father so you do not get to talk." Soobin snapped at his dad, well, step-dad, but he had always been accepting of him like Soobin was his own son so it didn't take that long for them to be comfortable and treat each other like they were blood related.

But with everything happening at the moment, Soobin felt too hurt which made him think that maybe the man was just pretending all this time so he wouldn't spark suspicions when he was actually trying to get rid of Soobin.

And now that he got the chance, he was extremely delighted because he could finally start his own family with Soobin's mom.

Soobin wouldn't even be surprised if it was him who suggested this idea of admitting him in this institute.

Although, of course, there was this rational voice at the back of Soobin's head that desperately told him it wasn't true. That his parents were just doing this so he could be better and well.

However, that voice was way too faint for Soobin to hear.

So there he was, listening intently to the sound of his own selfish pain.

The boy took one last look at his mom's tear-filled eyes and step-dad's astounded expression caused by what he said and proceeded to run out the room in search of a place he could use to hide.

But what was he hiding from?

The truth, probably.

After all, no one had ever been brave enough to face it head-on anyway.

Soobin had then eventually reached a floor after blindly pressing whichever button inside the elevator and begrudgingly walked out, eyes stinging and his heart pounding quite loudly in his chest.

He could barely even catch his breath and his lungs were screaming for air. His body on the verge of collapsing in response to this sudden surge of emotions and movements but Soobin couldn't bring himself to care. Not when he was too angry and upset.

The boy didn't even know how he even managed to get inside the lounge room and curl himself up on one corner beside the large curtain-covered window but he did.

There were tears of frustration and pain flowing out of his puffy eyes that he couldn't be bothered to wipe. Strings of words spilling out of his mouth without breaks— claiming about how much he repulsed his damned condition and about how much he hated everyone else; himself included.

A couple of minutes passed with Soobin helplessly surrendering to his dark thoughts. Head pressed firmly onto his knees while his arms wrapped protectively around his legs— shielding himself away from further damage without knowing it was what inside his mind that was doing the breaking.

There had been nothing else that filled Soobin's hearing aside from his own muffled mumbling for a while until a very familiar voice reached his ears, mixing with the sound of his sobs.

"Soobin-ah," the voice lightly called out before Soobin felt a pair of warm hands reaching out to hold him.

He flinched away from the touch.

"Sweetheart, please, listen to me. Mom doesn't want to do this too." Soobin's mom tried; tone pleading, desperate even, to get her son to understand.

However, said son only looked at her with a sharp glare.

"Go away."

"Soobin-ah."

"Don't touch me! I said go away! I don't want to see you anymore!"

"Don't be like this, please–"

"I said go! I hate you! You and your husband! I hate the both of you!"

"Soobin, sweetheart," his mom was crying while attempting to calm him down but to no avail. Her heart was aching and so, so beaten up from what she heard from her beloved child. She knew the boy didn't mean it, but it still hurt badly nonetheless.

"Don't get near me! I don't want to see you again! I hate you!"

'I hate you.'

'I hate you.'

'I hate you.'

His last words to his mom were 'I hate you.'

Soobin couldn't breathe.

~~~

The boy was once again back in the same position he was in 4 years ago. A frail photograph is in between his fingers, slightly crumpled and the colors were fading which suggest its age.

Soobin stared at it with his eyes brimming with tears that were threatening to cascade down his pale cheeks.

"Mom, I miss you."

The tears fell gradually, and then all at once. Like a roaring waterfall without any plans to stop.

When Soobin finally let out those words he kept to himself for all these years, it was like an unexpected relief with a punch in the gut.

It was painful yet relieving and it dawned upon Soobin that he still hasn't accepted the truth. It still hurts like a freshly opened wound.

"I didn't mean those words I said to you, mom. And if I had known that would be.... that would be your last memory of m-me, then I would've told you how m-much.... how much I love you and h-how lucky I was to have you as my m-mom."

Soobin stared at the picture in his hold showing his mom's comforting bright smile. He used his other hand to trace his finger on the outline of her face.

"But you were unfortunate to have me as your son."

The look on his face was grim, dark and sorrowful. The one you pull when you were expecting a nice day out but it  suddenly rained or when you spent a lot of time and effort over something that was just ruined in the end.

"Mom, you know, I made a friend, my very first one since my stay in here at the facility." The boy talked to the picture and had managed to smile a bit from the image of a boy with brown hair and a really captivating smile inside his head. "His name is Yeonjun and I just know that if you were still here, you would've loved him."

There was a momentarily pause after that as Soobin let himself reach and discover the part of him he tried to lock up in the dark— the part of him that is raw and vulnerable.

The part of him that is real.

"He's really kind, mom, has a huge heart and a lot of warm smiles to give.... but I fucked up, as expected of me."

"I knew he was just trying to help me but I didn't want to let him in and instead, I lashed out on him.... and it reminded me of what I did to you and dad— I don't even know if I'm still allowed to call him that after what I said to him and I feel so guilty that despite all of that, he's still the one paying for my therapies and I just–" Soobin stops himself, closing his eyes which caused more tears to stream down his face.

He breathes in, composing himself as he tried to ease the contracting feeling inside his chest.

It was clawing underneath his skin and Soobin felt like being set on fire the more he speaks but he couldn't stop now. Not now.

Because he knows he wouldn't be able to anymore if he did.

"–I just want to stop being a burden to everyone, mom. I can't be here anymore. I do not want to be here anymore and I just want this to end.... Mom, p-please, just take me w-with you."

Soobin pathetically sobs, his grip on the photo tightening and he couldn't care less if he was being loud or if he's ugly-crying. He stopped caring a long time ago, anyway.

But perhaps, he didn't.

Perhaps he still does care more than he thinks that's why it's still hurting him so much.

"You were the only one I had to live for, mom.... a-and now you're gone, I just can't see any reason why I still need t-to be here when you're not.... y-you deserve to be alive instead and I dont. And I do not want to be alive anymore, mom— I do not want to.

I just want to stop feeling so alone."

With his head buried down in his arms, Soobin breaks.

His mom's picture securely clutched inside his fist as he falls apart and cries.

It's been so long since the last time he had allowed his emotions to lay bare out in the open like this and the feeling was overwhelming.

And maybe he was wrong for keeping it all bottled inside like what Namjoon hyung has been telling him but what can he do?

How could he let pieces of himself be scattered around when he knows there's gonna be no one to pick them up?

How could he let himself bleed when he knows there's gonna be no one to clean him up?

How can he still be alive when there's no one to live for?

And just when Soobin is about to let himself sink further down where nobody could save him anymore, someone wrapped their arms around him and prevent him from drowning.

Someone came to lift his head up above water and let him breathe.

"When you run out of answers to the question why you still have to be here, I'll be your because, Binnie."

Soobin looks up and saw Yeonjun smiling down at him with his own tears delicately streaming down his face. His eyes softly telling Soobin that he understands and he isn't going anywhere.

"I'll be your reason, Soobin-ah. You don't have to be alone anymore."

Soobin felt himself breathing.