To The Guy I Secretly Admired,

They say, "As a woman's intelligence increases, it becomes harder for her to find the one." That quote has remained inside my head for weeks now. As I read that line - as countless realizations were sinking in - mixed emotions overflew from my chest.

To be glad or to feel sad - I didn't know what I should feel.

When the girl is innocent, kind and beautiful, all the guys like her. But a girl who has it all - especially intelligence - becomes either a dream never coming true or a competition.

I hoped it didn't work like that. I wished we were like the birds in the sky, as the one begins to fly, the other one will come along. I wished we were like the stars that shone so bright, sharing their brightness with each other.

But that's always been impossible to happen, don't you think?

We have been rivals at school. We don't belong to the same strand, but we frequently share the same classes. I hoped that could be a way for us to bump into each other each day, have a conversation and get to know each other better.

You don't see me as a girl, you see me as a person you have to beat. And I guess I have to see you the same way.

I don't like it that way. But in the world where we live in, survival is what matters the most. Distractions, complications and love - they have to be set aside. High scores, good grades, excellent performance - these are what consistent honor students like us have to focus on at all times.

I was never sure what was better: to win the first place or to be with you in a world full of illusions. To be the top student or to get to you? I hoped the options on my plate were as simple as that. Without the other factors that I had to consider, I was a hundred percent certain I was always going to choose you.

But it's not that easy.

We are fighting our own battles. We are going through our own ways only to reach the top of the mountain. In our heads and hearts, we know what really matters. In the end, there will only be one last man standing. If this game were simple, in my heart, you would always be the winner.

But . . . what about me? For sure, to you . . . I will always be a loser.

I like you, but you like someone else. I've always seen you, but you've never even noticed me. You are special to me, but to you, I am nothing but a competition. To you, I've always been a nobody.

And maybe . . . Maybe . . . it will stay that way forever.

It had torn my heart into pieces, but I will always be grateful for you.

Sincerely Yours,
Annie