Chapter Nineteen: Shifting

   I trod in, silently, from off the veranda into my room. As quietly as I could manage I shut the doors and curtains to block out the night chills. Still holding onto the linen drapes I tightened my eyelids together and bowed my head until my chin touched my chest. Many things had changed between ten minutes ago and now, I didn’t know what to believe or trust anymore. I knew Delrand meant no harm in not telling me when I had asked him, and he also didn’t want me to see it as though I had been psychologically forced into believing that Mordred was my enemy; but it seemed strange that he wouldn’t care to try and trade the feudal bonds for friendship ones with Mordred, as there once had been. Delrand always tried to find a way around violence and killing if he could. It was the opposite way around with Mordred, at the slightest chance to challenge him, Delrand wouldn’t need a second thought. I was willing to negotiate, Delrand wasn’t; whereas some time ago it might have been the other way around.

   I opened my eyes and allowed myself a smug smile at a subtle epiphany. In the many months I had been with Delrand, I had changed more than I had realised. I remembered back to when there wasn’t a time when I didn’t think of fighting or duelling. These days I was less for it than even Lancelot (and he was much like Delrand when it came to thinking things through). When I first met Delrand he seemed like one who stepped aside from a fight or be the one to observe the skills of the learners and apprentices-to-be at the school. Now he seemed to want to get the combat part over and done with as soon as possible without delay. I wondered what I could do to make him take his mind off Mordred; to make him forget about everything he had already planned. He always seemed to base everything on what he imagined would happen if things were a little different or went wrong. I wasn’t comfortable with him always looking into the future, although he always told me to focus on the present.

   Turning around so I could see him, I watched his face to help me think of what would be easiest for him. I cared for him far too much than he may want me to. He had told me he didn’t want me to change because of him, yet that happened beyond his power anyway (as I had just concluded). Even in sleep he didn’t look relaxed, as though all his responsibilities and burdens still hammered down on him while dreaming (if he had dreams, that is).

   So as not to wake him I sat down in the wooden chair he had always used to occupy within the first few days when he had arrived in Camelot. I leant my head on my hands that lay on the right arm of the chair and fell into a confused world of my own.

   Lifting my hands over my head, I stretched the sleep out of me. My eyes fell upon the bed, which now lay empty. Although he had asked me to call him, I didn’t. Unsure of whether last night wasn’t a twist of my mind I shook my head and looked quickly round the room. Nothing was out of place. I was still in my clothes from yesterday, so I walked downstairs and into the Table Hall, only to find them there as usual. I sat down in my usual seat. Still concentrating on my findings last night, I lay my head on my hands which themselves rested on the table. I stared at my plate and tried to forget about them being there. Whatever they thought I was doing was of no interest to me, they could believe anything they wanted. At some point, I looked sideways at Delrand. He sat leaning against the table, resting his right arm on the carved metal surface. Though he faced me, his eyes were on something behind and sideways to me. I tried to follow his gaze from how I was positioned but couldn’t manage to figure out where he looked.

   We sat like that, next to each other, unspeaking, unmoving. For about the fifth time I looked at him again and found he was watching me as well. As soon as our eyes met he began a mind conversation.

   Where did you go last night after I fell asleep? he asked bluntly, his voice sounded uninterested; only to make it seem as though he didn’t really care.

   How could you have felt my magic when you were asleep? I asked back, slightly shifty about him knowing. Knowing what was of more concern.

   I wasn’t that far gone, besides I’m too used to your magic around me that I can feel when you use it, even if I were unconscious. Tell me, please. Where did you go?

   Unwilling to lie to him, I recalled my memory and showed him where I went and what had happened.

   When I had reached the part where Mordred vanished I shut the memory closed. Through the link between us, I felt his unease at me (somehow) disobeying him and I also saw that he hated his connection with Mordred retold and brought back up. Clearly he must have spent awhile on shifting those times far away into his subconscious, only to be resurfaced within mere minutes.

   I hope you understand that it changes nothing, I wouldn’t have cared if you were brothers, I still love you all the same, I reassured him strongly.

   That doesn’t mean there won’t be clashes between us.

   Don’t be so negative, Delrand. In fact you should be glad that he had to be the one to tell me, then you would not have to be reminded of those accounts directly. Tell me, why didn’t you tell me that night when I asked if you were related to him?

   Because I thought it wouldn’t make any difference if you knew or not, he said. Do you still want to talk to him today?

   Talk to who? I wasn’t thinking straight this morning after last night, and also because it was so early.

   Lancelot; you asked me yesterday if I’d let you and I said I didn’t mind, re-mem-ber, sleepy head.

   I remembered. Yes, I do still want to talk to him. How I’ll get him alone I don’t know.

   That shouldn’t be hard, not for you anyway. I’ll keep my word about not listening as well, I need to speak with Justin, Oscar and Harrod anyway. After last night, I’m not sure if they may take it as me abandoning them.

   Did last night do you any good? I asked kindly.

   It was strange, I haven’t had a dream in ages. This morning seemed different anyway.

   What did you dream about? Though I guessed what the answer would most likely be.

   You... and everything else. But mainly you. He smiled brightly. I smiled softly back and sat up.

   I don’t mean to make you go away, but if you go now it will make it easier for me to get him to stay behind and talk to me.

   If it helps, he thought heftily. He got up and my eyes followed him until the door shut behind him. I looked around the table with my eyes to find him (when I had entered I didn’t pay attention to who sat where); though he was opposite me as ever. As he met my solemn stare, I smiled and cocked my head slightly to the side. As though he understood what I meant he nodded once. I narrowed my eyes enquiringly and raised an eyebrow. He blinked and then looked away. Just to check that none of the others had noticed our unspoken agreement, I swiftly traced through their expressions.

   ‘I’ve decided we need a long talk,’ I explained to him when the others had left.

   ‘About?’ he questioned.

   I shook my head. ‘Not here, it’s not... secret enough.’

   ‘After you then.’ He gestured his hand towards the nearest door. In accordance to his keenness, I walked further inside the castle. He remained by my side and even held my hand. I thought nothing of it; he was a friend, nothing more, or that was what I kept telling myself all the way to my intended place. I kept my mind on my path and forgot about any prying eyes we may have passed while we traipsed through the corridors.

   When we had reached the staircase that led to my quarters, he stopped dead in his steps and let go off my hand. I turned my head to face him to find that he was surprised at where I had brought him.

   ‘Why here, Elara?’ he asked, his voice held no tone.

   ‘There is no where else that is private enough for us to speak freely. If you’re scared of suspicions and rumours, do what I do; ignore them.’

   ‘It’s not that. It just seems inappropriate. With what we’re going to talk about, doesn’t it seem fairer if we talked in a more unbiased place.’ He must have guessed what I wanted to talk to him about.

   ‘It would make no difference,’ I tried reassuring him but he didn’t take my guidance. ‘Rumours would spread anyway because of it being between us two. Also, I was taking us into my study.’ I began to climb the stairs and left him to think it through. I had only reached about the tenth step when his hand took mine again. I stopped and waited for him to reach the same step.

   ‘You’re very convincing when you put your mind to it, Elara.’ I smiled at him and he smiled back. We continued up the stairs and into my study (that I never used). Now it seemed to finally have a purpose. As I shut the door with a faint click, I heard his footsteps pace towards the window. I turned around and he was looking down, out of the glass, onto the courtyard outside. His arms were folded and his shadowed back seemed to be an outside form of his inner darkness. As soon as I took one step to him, his voice was cold and seemingly unforgiving.

   ‘Why him?’ was all he asked. In those two words I determined that this was going to be a rather awkward and hurting conversation, and not just for me. I couldn’t think of what to say; and even if I did, I doubt the words would have escaped my mouth. My throat contracted and prevented my voice to gather. I wanted to tell him everything but my weakness got in the way, and I knew he would think I was unwilling to speak to him like this. I locked my eyes onto the floor in front of me. ‘Elara?’ I saw his shadow shift and I dared myself to look up. My focus remained on the wooden floor however. He asked nothing more, the silence grew around the room like a fog that stopped your senses but increased your emotions. My breathing shallowed and quickened.

   Eventually the silence broke, his shadow grew and I heard the increasing volume of his steps as he came closer. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, which now had deepened and slowed. I wasn’t anxious but nervous. I felt his arms caress me and I automatically placed my arms around him. He pulled me deeper into his embrace, my strength had dimmed with that first touch. Along with this, came a throbbing in my heart which wasn’t caused by my increased heartbeat. If it was Delrand who held me he would have sensed my hurt; Lancelot didn’t have those increased senses that seemed to branch from magic.

   The pain deepened with each passing second. It continued to grow until I couldn’t bare it any longer. Tears filled my eyes and swelled to an extent that they breached my closed eyelids. Though the tears loomed, I had strength enough to diminish the sobs that began to accumulate in my chest. Much may have passed between us in the many months since our first (and last) kiss, but I wasn’t about to give up on our friendship. Realising that, I brushed away the tears with the back of my hand and drew in a deep breath.

   ‘Let go, Lancelot,’ I whispered. He released me and I stepped away from his reach. ‘What do you feel for me, Lancelot? I don’t understand why you still won’t let it pass.’

   ‘Because I know you,’ he said quietly and sharply. ‘I know you more than anyone can, even Delrand can’t know what you’re like as well as I do.’ Though he spoke these words, it wasn’t harshly.

   ‘No, probably not. Still, it does not give you the right to dwell upon your love for me, no matter how strong it is. We both know I don’t love you back that way. It’ll never develop to more than it is now.’ I looked him straight in the eyes as boldly as I could. I wish he’d let me go, I didn’t belong to him and we had no holds on each other; no ties, no bonds, no promises. Between us there was nothing. Nothing but friendship and honesty, at least in my eyes. In his though, I saw one thing he didn’t want to give up on.

   ‘Then you can surely see that it was meant to be different than it is. You and him weren’t meant to have meet. That was obvious from the start.’ He broke off.

   ‘It may be obvious to you but not to me and certainly not to him. It may have been different if I were not born as I am, and we know that that didn’t happen. If I were different, then maybe we would have been.’

   ‘Even though that isn’t, I won’t let you go.’ I sensed he wanted to say more but what I didn’t want to guess.

   ‘I know that it hurts for you to see me love someone else but I can’t help it. What I feel for him cannot be matched or equalled against my love for anyone else. I’m sorry, Lancelot. Please... don’t dwell on what could have been, I don’t like it when you’re unhappy. It’s worse, though, that you’re unhappy because of me.’ I looked away, closed my eyes and took a deep breath in. When I looked back over at him he hadn’t moved but wore a faint smile on his lips. Did something I said meant something different from his point of view? In my mind, I went through the past conversation and found nothing that could have been twisted by him. I looked at him again, slightly confused. ‘What?’

   ‘What makes you think that I’m unhappy? Hmmm,’ he asked back. His smile broadened. I took my time, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing or say something that might become a focus point for him.

   ‘Every time I see you, you look...’ I paused out of mistrust in myself.

   ‘Carry on, I’m not forcing you to tell me but I’d really like to know so I can put it right.’ He took a step forward, at which I lifted my head up slightly and pushed my shoulders back.

   ‘You look lonely and sort of... heartbroken...’ I broke off again as the pain began to build up deep inside.

   ‘Neither. I don’t think either of us have felt heartbreaks yet. And I’m definitely not lonely, or not in the way you mean.’

   ‘Then why do you always have that sad face on whenever I see you? It makes me feel really guilty and worried.’ Then, suddenly, he looked me straight in the eyes; it was a soft stare and made some things piece together inside my mind.

   ‘That’s the reason. I worry about you. Yes, I admit, I wish you and I were together but I’m not going to make your life miserable over something no one can change. Just tell me that you’re thinking about everything else, not just him. You can’t let your love of him rule your life, Elara; there are other things that need you, other people – and I don’t mean me.’ His eyes narrowed vaguely. I understood what he meant.

   He was a knight (and deep inside so was I). We were both a part of the faction that was built to protect the single most important thing that kept us going. Without us Albion probably would have fell centuries back. At the back of my thoughts I heard the words that had bound me more tightly to the throne than my very blood. The oaths I had taken that swore me to do anything – even die if I had to – to prevent the line from dying. Trouble was that it rose struggles inside me that no one before had problems with. And now I had another side to me that increased the complexity of my position.

   ‘I’m not that important as a knight. You know that.’ I couldn’t help but smile. ‘If you lot lose me as member it won’t make much difference. I’m more useful as a sorceress anyway, I can do more things in more ways than you could think of. I’ll still be here and I’ll still be one of you if my magic can’t help. Honestly, if it’s all about me breaking the circle then I’m sorry but there’s no way I’m backing down.’ I folded my arms and put on an authoritative face, which amused the both of us and we began laughing.

   After the giggles had subsided, a pressure pounded against my mental barrier and made me jump (I had grown so used to it being there, I actually forgot about it). Lancelot mistook it for fright and was by my side in a few quick steps. I knew it was nothing to worry about and I smiled at him.

   Delrand, what is it? I asked in my mind.

   You’re wanted outside. Sorry, did I interrupt something important?

   No, we’d about finished sorting things out. Is it  urgent or can it wait a little while?

   Depends on what you call urgent? But if I were you, I’d probably say it could wait. I’ll see you in a while then.

   After my mind was closed off I realised that Lancelot had put his hand in mine. He was still smiling which made me worry and I didn’t know why. He must have seen the concern on my face and let go. I guessed he thought I was worried about him taking my hand again. On sudden impulse (and without a second thought) I took his hand, leant up and kissed him on the lips. Strangely, he didn’t push me away, but rather placed his free hand around me. It was then that I realised what an idiot I was to do that. I tensed up strongly and forcibly pulled myself away. As I always did when things became awkward, I bit my lip. On seeing my expression, he smiled, let my hand go and walked towards the door.

   ‘Lancelot, wait. Can you walk down with me? I’m needed outside.’

   ‘Of course,’ he kindly replied. He held his hand for me to take. On the surface I wanted to but deep down I knew I couldn’t. It would make it worse again (though I already had added to the complication).

   ‘I’m sorry, Lancelot, but I can’t,’ I spoke softly as I stepped towards the door. The look on his face changed in a way that I hadn’t seen before.

   ‘How can you say that after what you just did?’ His voice was strong on my thoughts. Out of my control, my eyes shifted in their sockets as I thought of how to say what I wanted to. I thought it best to be open and not struggle with myself inside.

   ‘Please forgive me for that. It was a mistake and...’

   ‘A mistake? Elara, how can you call it a mistake? It clearly shows what your intentions are.’

   Oh no. Please no... I pleaded in my mind. I took in a deep sudden breath and tried to add a repenting air in the room.

   ‘Elara, you’re clearly not one hundred percent sure about your relationship with Delrand. There are things about him that you may never want to know or will never find out.’ The awkward silence here was confusing and harming me on the inside; it cut deeper in than I ever wanted my feelings to be separated. ‘He will always remain a mystery to you. And you know yourself that there are some feelings within that are not connected to him but...’

   ‘No, please stop. Don’t make me hear it. I don’t want to remember. I can’t afford to have a conflict with myself at this moment...’ I stopped myself from admitting that I had been wrong all this time.

   ‘Elara, stop denying it. Stop forcing it to be cast aside.’ As he spoke (a little too warmingly), he slowly paced the short space between us. As soon as his arms were around me, I knew what was next in line to happen – nothing else was so obvious, so... unavoidable.

   The strength of the emotion in his eyes overwhelmed me to the extent that my breathing had fainted to a hushed whisper. He leant closer to me and I placed my hands on his lower arms. My eyes had narrowed far too smoothly. I felt the slightest grip of his hands on my waist; how they naturally just rested in place there. All of a sudden my mind emptied of any reluctance or disapproval; all I felt was impulse and a surge of compassion (though I couldn’t be sure).

   ‘Elara,’ he spoke so silently, so... admiringly that my mind closed off completely; except for one word...

   ‘Lancelot.’

   Then our lips met as he closed the gap between us.

*****

   Never in my whole life had I wished that I could disappear and forget everything about myself.

   I was now locked in my room. Or to be very specific, I had barricaded myself in my room. My door was locked; my balcony doors and curtains were shut; my mind was closed off from everything and everyone I knew who would be trying to talk to me (I forced myself not to think of one name in particular). I also had reinforced the room with a shield that I knew would keep out any potential disturbers (including the one person I knew would be desperate to keep me from hurting). I was curled up in a ball on the floor beside my bed, I held my eyes tight and had clasped my arms around my stomach (this seemed to help keep me together – if I loosened my grip the tiniest amount, a rush of pain would shoot through me).

   I couldn’t think of anything to stop the strain, nothing to stop my thoughts straying over that last memory... Why? It was hard enough having to prevent myself from loving him further (I couldn’t bare to think of names at the present). Now, everything was much harder because I had found out that I had secretly held a trace within me of that love – though it may be small it was very concentrated, so that when it was made to reveal itself it came in a mind-stopping blow. Nothing in my mind made any sense anymore; I always thought things were so much more simpler than they apparently were. Now I’d experienced the other side of... thinking about it sent a shiver down my whole body.

   I was torn between two sides of that feeling, but I was always split three ways in who I was meant to be. Unfortunately, those three parts of me didn’t help me decide. Following two of the paths meant I loved one far more than the other – which meant lying to myself and my heart. The other was no better. If I went down that path I had both of them in my life; that wouldn’t be fair on either of them and I would have to completely tear my heart in two.

   As much as I wanted to stop dwelling on my intensified problem, I couldn’t. The more I thought about it the worse I made it for myself and them. I couldn’t come up with a way of resolving the matter. No matter how I tried to twist it there were many other things that I wasn’t happy with to be left forgotten at the side lines.

   At one point in my self-made prison, I had felt the gentle nudge on my mind. It was too familiar yet too hurting. Though I knew that I’d regret it later (whenever that may be) but I forced myself to keep my mind concealed from him. In that brief instant I sensed he was worried to such an extent that he retreated from my parameter.

   I knew that having him there beside me would have been better than not having him there but I knew that telling him why I was in such a state would break him. I needed someone to explain everything to; someone that I know would listen and not intervene; someone who was not caught up in my situation on either side; someone who would stay unbiased with any advice they may give me. I could think of no such person, all the people I knew would either turn towards one side or the other. Deeper in my mind though, I knew I was wrong about that conclusion – there was one person and one person only. Yet I knew I could never go down that road, knew that I shouldn’t start down that path.

   Only one option remained clear to me. The one option I knew would make me forget as much as I needed to forget. It was the one option that I knew would leave me feeling free from any burdens, expectations and problems. So I took it while I could, took the chance while I could.

   The grass felt refreshing beneath my paws, and the wind through my fur was blissful. I tried to forget about my life inside the walls, but focused on the instincts that seemed to come with this form. I pushed myself as hard as I could, to see how fast I could run. I needed this but there was one thing missing.

   On the next hill top I stopped and faced the east. I bowed my head and drew in the deepest breath I could manage. Then, with the compression of my lungs, let out the air inside as a silence-shattering howl as I raised my head to face the moon, high in the sparkling night sky. It sounded lonely on its own, without the company of the replying howls of a pack. I was a lone wolf, forever banished from feeling the company of my kin. My breath ran out and I ceased the bellowing. I filled my lungs with the chilling night air and looked towards Camelot’s distant lights. They must be about five to seven miles away (I didn’t keep track of where I was heading or how far I had travelled). What was the point of heading back now? To face the hopes and suspicions of the two who were so dear to my torn heart.

   Then a voice took over my mind, not an outside voice – an inner one. It resonated from a place I never knew existed within me.

   Face it, it began. Face who you are, embrace what you’ve become. There’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change the person you know to be you. Why bother changing? Let it be that there are two paths to lead at the same time. Only you know deep inside which one to take up more than the other. It’s never as you want it to be, but you can change the outcome if you set your mind to it. Head back; live up to your mistakes, let them lead you where you need to go. There’s no point in not doing anything when doing something can be so much more meaningful to the rest. Be who you are, not what you were. And the voice disappeared, never to be heard from again. Though deep inside I knew exactly who and what it was, I couldn’t bring myself to think the word.

   I closed my eyes and took another deep breath in.

   ‘Elara?’ I jumped into a ready position, I never felt him appear there and so close as well. ‘Elara, please. Tell me what’s wrong. What happened?’

   I wanted so much to tell him, to hold him, to kiss him. To know that he wouldn’t care or think me a betrayer. But I couldn’t... wouldn’t let myself open my mind to him. His shadowed form stood looming on the hilltop – a mysterious being of knowledge, wisdom and love. And so was I. ‘Elara, I’ll listen. No matter what it is, I’m here for you.’ His voice was soothing on my mind, too soothing. It was hard not to cry, even in animal form. I felt the warm stream of tears wash over my whiskered cheeks. I sat down on my haunches and tightened up my stomach muscles. With my pronounced hearing, I heard the crunch of the grass as he stepped closer. A step away and he knelt on the ground. I took in the words my inner self had said less than a minute ago. I changed to my original form.

   I opened my eyes and looked into his through the darkness. He looked desperate to hear my voice or my thoughts. To again feel the connection between our minds. I kept my lips pressed firmly together; afraid of what I may say.

   Elara, you know I don’t care what happened but I would prefer you to tell me. It’ll help you to say it, don’t destroy yourself by bottling it up inside. Let me share it with you. He wasn’t begging or pleading, just helping and calming.

   Delrand, take me home.