Chapter Two: Reasons

   That night I couldn’t sleep. I was out of my dress and in a night gown. I hadn’t told Beth about what had happened before, but she probably had guessed already. To help her along with the guessing was, possibly, the way I looked when I saw her again (I doubt I would have liked what I saw, if I had looked in the mirror). Sat up in bed, I left my mind wonder off to anywhere, anyplace, so long as it didn’t let me remember; though I would have to the next day.

   Early morning, I opened my eyes to Beth, (not that I remembered drifting off to sleep). She was sat on the wooden chair. Her head was resting on her palms and her legs were crossed. She had obviously got up early to interrogate me.

   ‘Morning, Beth. Can you prepare my riding clothes please?’

   ‘Morning. Why?’

   ‘I feel like riding, just don’t try to change my mind.’ I wasn’t in the right state of mind for arguing.

   ‘Don’t you want the others to come along?’

   ‘No!’ I composed myself. ‘I mean, no. I want to be alone today.’

   ‘Are you sure you’re alright. Not to be rude, but you look a tad flustered.’

   That was it; there was no hiding it from her any longer, no matter how hard I’d try.

   ‘I spoke to Lancelot last night, alone,’ I spoke as I got out of bed.

   She suddenly propped herself forward a bit, eyes wide. ‘And...?’ came her probing voice, as I washed in the en suite.

   ‘I asked him what he thought about the dress.’

   ‘Yes... what did he say?’

   I couldn’t believe I was blushing again, (I hadn’t blushed so much in my life before). Usually I could confide all my secrets with Beth, knowing that she would keep them all quiet. Now I wasn’t so sure.

   ‘Well. First he told me I looked beautiful. Then he started talking about feelings.’ I stopped, lost for words.

   ‘Nooo...!’ she sounded shocked, yet somehow unsurprised, as if she knew something I didn’t. ‘Did he...?’

   I knew what she wanted to ask, (or, rather, was about to ask and thought better of it). ‘Yes, he did.’ I’d have to own up to it anyway, realise that it was real, not a trick of the mind. ‘He told me that he loved me and then kissed me.’

   ‘Do you love him back?’ This was carefully spoken, yet she knew I wouldn’t mind.

   ‘I don’t know. It seems too, um, too... coincidental somehow.’

   ‘How can love be coincidental? You either love someone or you don’t. Simple as that,’ she said while bustling about to find my riding wear.

   ‘I mean, why did it come out now? There were plenty of moments when he could have told me.’

   ‘But you were alone. May be that let him open up to you? At least take him out with you today.’

   ‘What would I say?’ I asked as I slipped my cotton top on behind the screen.

   ‘You could... Well, um...’

   ‘See. What would be the point if I can’t speak to him? I might as well have gone out on my own.’

   We left it at that, and I walked alone down to the armoury to collect my sword and bow and quiver (now dressed in my riding clothes). I never went anywhere without them, whenever I was outside. After fetching them, a wondered off to the stables. I didn’t pass many people, only a few servants, most of who just moved out of my way. I wasn’t paying any of them any attention. Walking through the swinging doors of the stables the smell of manure and hay hit me. My mind came back to the present.

   ‘Jonathan!’ I shouted. In reply a young boy, a little younger than myself, appeared from a side room. His short dark blond hair in a tussle and when he realised it was me he bowed. I hate that but I can’t stop the whole castle from doing it, I just rolled my eyes and muttered under my breath so he wouldn’t hear.

   ‘Your highness, may I help you?’

   ‘Yes, can you help me with Rosehip please?’

   ‘Certainly.’ He walked off to the tack room, which was huge; it had to be, because of all the horses and ponies we had to cater for. Rosehip, my gorgeous mare, was waiting patiently in her stable. She was pure white, with a flowing tail and mane (I never bothered with cutting them down; grooming was all she needed doing to her). Her large brown eyes focused on me.

   ‘Hello, old friend,’ I said while stroking her smoothly down the middle of her forehead, muzzle and nose. ‘It’s been a long time since I rode you.’ Her ears pricked up as I spoke.

   Jonathan came back in, arms filled with the saddle, stirrups and reins. After putting on the saddle and head-wear and fastened all the various buckles and straps; I led Rosehip out, climbed onto her back and trotted off towards the castle gates.

   Riding through the little inner village was the part I hated about going outside. Everyone knew who I was and they all moved out the way to make a path wide enough for Rosehip to pass through. Also, they all either bowed or curtseyed. I decided to ignore them but managed a warming smile to stay on my face. Until I reached the guard house and the huge oak and iron gates that prevented unwanted guests to enter the city at night.

   ‘Your highness,’ sounded a rough voice from below. It was Captain Bridges. He was clothed from head to feet in chain mail and body armour. In his right hand he held a five and a half foot spear; round his waist he wore his sword. ‘And where are you off to today?’

   ‘Just going out riding, Captain,’ I merely replied. ‘Haven’t been in a while.’ Rosehip nodded her head in agreement. ‘Woh!’ And I gently patted her neck.

   ‘Come on, lads. Open the gates for Lady Elara.’ It was better than Princess Elara.

   ‘Thank you.’ I said as I walked past and out into the lush world beyond my main life.

   I loved the local countryside; everything mentally troubling seemed to disappear, like it didn’t matter anymore. I was able to relax and dwell on certain problems or ideas. A few miles away there was the forest, it must have a ten mile radius. I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been too far into it. I squeezed Rosehip gently with my thighs and shook the reins. She cantered off towards the west, towards my favourite place. Rose was the best horse I knew. I had her from a foal, a gift from my father (whose horse at the time was Rose’s sire). I had trained her, broke her into the different paces. Strangely though, we always seemed to have a bond, as if we understood each other, maybe not verbally but more like we knew what the other was thinking. However, I also trained her jumping and dressage. That was nothing to the way that she could canter and gallop.

   One day the knights challenged me to a horse race; I agreed. We lined up in a field somewhere, and got Jonathan, and a few other servants to referee us. As soon as we could go, Rose went into full gallop straight away. The odd thing (at the time) was that she never slowed down until the very end. She left the others behind, and even I was astounded at the sheer power that was in her legs. Every day for the next two weeks I had ridden her around the walls and Tristan volunteered to measure how long it took each time. I carried on up to the point where it took us less than ten minutes to complete a full round. (That was considering that the walls would measure about three miles long if they were stretched out).

   Eventually the forest came into view. It was as I remembered it, the various shades of green of all the various types of tree: oak, beech, ash, to name a few. I slowed Rose down to a fast trot, but continued until we were underneath the coolness of the shade. I knew where I was going, and so did Rose, we had visited this forest many times, always to the same place. Somewhere, possibly the centre of the forest, was a lake (only half a mile long in length), it was clear and cool and never iced over in winter. Many forest animals came here to drink. Me, I went there to swim or relax in the refreshing waters. Rose stopped beside the little shore, and I dismounted. As soon as I hit the hard ground, she slowly walked off. This didn’t bother me; I knew she would return if I whistled.

   I took off my boots and socks, rolled up my trouser legs, and waded into the water until my knees were half way in. It felt so nice to be there again. I closed my eyes and let go of everything. But something kept prodding into my consciousness. I didn’t know what it was, but I let it overwhelm me. It came to the extent that a tear rolled down my cheek. I opened my eyes, turned around and sat down on the grass near the water. I pulled my knees up to my chest, wrapped my arms around them and rested my head on my thighs. I began to breathe deeply, but the tears kept coming at a manageable pace. I heard hoof beats beside me. Thinking it was Rose I looked up.

   Those weren’t Rose’s legs, I thought; these were black and mud-crusted.

   ‘Elara,’ sounded his voice from above me. ‘Would you like to talk?’

   ‘Er... I suppose it would help,’ I replied hesitantly.

   ‘Good, I believe I need to explain a few things.’ He dismounted with a thud, led his horse away to tie to a tree, and returned to be by my side. All the while I looked out across the lake. I didn’t want to see his eyes. I could feel Lancelot sit down beside me.

   ‘Elara?’

   ‘Hmm?’

   ‘Look at me.’ I didn’t know what to do, but I turned my head anyway, my gaze falling down to ground. ‘I’m sorry that I did that to you last night. I shouldn’t have made you feel insecure. It was wrong and it must have hurt to know that I had feelings for you. I hope you understand.’

   I breathed out before answering. ‘I understand. But, why are you sorry? It did hurt, yes, but I’m glad you told me.’

   ‘I’m sorry because I should have told you much, much sooner.’

   My heart was pounding again, not as hard as last night but still the beat had increased. ‘It seemed silly for me to cry as well. I seem so foolish about that now. I don’t know why I started, it just happened.’

   ‘It wasn’t foolish. I may not completely understand but you’ve been through much in your life.’

   ‘No, I haven’t. Anyway, how did you know where I was?’

   ‘Ah, now. I wanted to speak to you anyway, about last night. I found Beth and asked where you were. She said she didn’t know, but I told her I had something important for you. So, she told me and I hurried as quickly as possible to get here.’

   ‘I guessed that. But how did you know where in the forest I’d be?’ I asked more precisely.

   ‘I have been here before with you, if you can remember?’

   ‘Oh,’ was all I could say. I did remember.

   ‘I also wanted to know something from you.’ Oh no, here it came. I had hoped he wouldn’t ask me.

   I waited but he remained silent. ‘Lancelot, what do you want to know? Just ask me.’

   ‘You know now that I love you, but...do you... love me?’ That was when I looked up; his eyes were gentle yet held some aspect of worry or false-seeming hope.

   ‘That’s a difficult question for me to answer right now.’

   ‘That’s a no then, isn’t it?’ He suddenly got onto his feet and began to walk off.

   ‘Wait, Lancelot. It doesn’t mean no, but it’s not a yes.’ I paused, and he looked hurt. ‘What I mean is that, I do love you but I don’t know if it’s the same love as you feel for me.’

   ‘What about last night? You didn’t seem to want to let it finish.’

   ‘Don’t start an argument. Anyway, you kissed me out of the blue. How was I meant to react? With what’s happening about my planned ball, love was something I didn’t need to think about.’ I spoke all that relatively calmly, so as not to hurt him in any form possible.

   He turned around, his hands hanging by his sides. ‘That’s also why I’m sorry. I’ve now given you more things to worry about or juggle amongst everything else.’

   ‘I do understand. It’s just I need time to think. You can’t start a relationship after one day and an unexpected kiss.’

   He looked at me amused, and then began to chuckle. I thought about what I had just blurted out, gasped and covered my face as I had done with him the evening before.

   ‘Elara, don’t be so embarrassed.’ He touched the upper of my left arm and began to smoothly stroke me. I opened up my arms and moved them around him. He did the same back, and I rested my head on his chest. Closing my eyes, I felt his chest rising and falling with each breath. He gradually rested his cheek on top of my head. I felt harmony for the first time. I didn’t want to let go of him, and his embrace seemed to show the same about his thoughts. Though we both knew we would have to head back to Camelot soon.

   As soon as this occurred to me, he spoke. ‘I think we should go now,’ he quietly spoke to me, I could barely hear him. My grip on him tightened a little, he felt it. He chuckled again. ‘Elara, we can’t stay too long. The others will start to wonder where we both are.’

   ‘You’re right,’ I admitted, mainly to myself and sighed. I released him and he did me. ‘What a predicament you’ve got me into, Lancelot.’ I whistled and Rose appeared out of the trees a moment later. We remounted and trotted off side by side, silently.

   About half way back, I was so bored I decided to change the pace a bit, or rather, a lot. Using my legs for support, I shook the reins, and Rose quickly responded by speeding into a full gallop. Looking back over my shoulder I saw Lancelot trying to match her speed. I knew he couldn’t catch up so I slowed Rose down and began to laugh. By the time he caught up he didn’t look at all amused. I quickly rearranged my features.

   ‘That wasn’t funny,’ he sombrely commented. ‘What was that about anyway?’

   I shrugged my shoulders innocently. ‘I don’t know. I guess I wanted to know what you’d do.’

   ‘Do you want a race?’

   ‘You know I will win, I always do.’

   ‘That’s to be seen.’

   ‘I don’t follow.’

   He didn’t answer. He just repeated what I had just done to him. Only this time he seemed to be quicker. Strange, I thought. Anyway, why wait for him to slow down; he might not, knowing Lancelot. So, I quickly followed. I easily drew up level with him. We weren’t actually racing it was more too see who had the better control.

   Around a mile away from the walls, I grabbed his right arm and asked him to stop.

   ‘What’s wrong now?’

   ‘I want to say thank you, for explaining. I don’t know what I would have gone around thinking if you hadn’t. I would probably have tried to avoid you as much as possible.’

   ‘You’re welcome. Are we heading back together or separately?’

   ‘May as well head back together, it won’t make a difference.’ We started off again at a slower pace than before I’d kicked Rose into a gallop.

   ‘By the way,’ he shouted over the pounding of our steeds’ hooves. ‘I didn’t tell the others. I knew you would want it kept a secret.’

   ‘Thanks.’ At least I knew Beth so well, that that didn’t bother me.

   We were at the wall in no time. The gates were open so we just rode right through. Trotting through the village towards the stables was slower due to most of the villagers being out on business, or the children were out to play.

   Even though it hurt me to admit it, I did love him, but somehow I had a wide smile on my face. I left Rose in her stable with her tack on (I knew Jonathan would take it off her later), and headed for the training and practice grounds. Lancelot seemed to not go his own way, but I didn’t tell him it bothered me.

   Usually on a Saturday I gave lessons to the squires or knights-to-be. Great, I thought, I can show them a real duel. We were still using wooden swords as most of them were barely fifteen and had never heard the words ‘blood’, ‘kill’ or ‘death’ before our first lesson. First time I tried them with real swords, I had about ten injuries, most of which included deep gashes in arms and legs. Then I changed the swords back to wooden ones (best play safe).

   They were already practicing when I arrived. They had gotten good over the last few months. I stopped in the middle, where I usually positioned myself, and they all came into a circle around me. Lancelot went to stand by a wooden post that marked out the small arena.

   ‘Now, today,’ I began. ‘I’m going to show you all what a real duel looks like and what it involves.’ At this the young boys straightened up in similar ways to when little children want to be picked for a team in a game. ‘When I mean real, I mean between two fully trained adults.’ As I said this I quickly looked over to Lancelot, who suddenly became aware of what I was inviting him to do. ‘Sir Lancelot, would you kindly join me in a demonstration?’

   He rolled his eyes and strolled over as if this was a foolish idea. I walked off to hang my cloak, bow and quiver up on another pole. Usually when I did this the knights knew I was being serious, and when I turned around he was poised, ready, in his usual, familiar starting position.

   ‘You would find it useful to spread out a bit wider, lads,’ I spoke to the younger ones around us. They quietly walked back to the arena boundary. Carefully watching Lancelot, I drew my sword with a ringing sound from the rubbing between the blade and the sheath. We slowly circled, eyes never straying from the other’s. As we circled, we were also nearing each other about three feet away from him I swung my blade and he easily parried it. Then we began the duel, it was intense. Both of us were reluctant to allow the other to gain the upper hand (same as between me and Gawain yesterday). When it seemed like one of us was winning the other would quickly retaliate with a respective lunge or swing. I could faintly here the young boys’ gasps and ‘oohs’ over the clanging of the blades. Finally, when I assumed I had managed to outlast him, he caught me off guard and knocked me off my feet. I was overwhelmed with surprise that I couldn’t support my fall and fell flat on my back. I got up onto my elbows. The ice cold edge of my own blade rested on my throat, I dared myself to move but couldn’t find the energy. Looking up, I looked into his face as he loomed over me smiling.

   ‘Dead.’

   I pouted my lips and brought my eyebrows together. He chuckled, pulled the blade away, and leant down a hand. I took his hand and allowed him to pull me up. He handed me back my weapon.

   It was like coming out of a closed off world, as soon as I was on my feet I heard the clapping. I looked around at their faces. The clapping wasn’t coming from the young boys but from the older knights. I was unaware that they hand joined the ranks of their ‘successors’, I was too busy in fighting Lancelot. I knew why they were clapping. It was because I had only ever been beaten by two men in my whole life. Once by Tristan and once by my father (though that was when I was a bit younger and less experienced).

   ‘Looks like you’re slipping a bit with your technique, Elara,’ said Galahad. I looked over at him, then at Lancelot. He had his eyes on me in the same way I was now gazing at him. We both looked at the floor quickly. I knew he was thinking the same as me. Should we tell them or not. My heart pounded with anxiety at the fact that he might tell them (or worse show them a sign).

   ‘Go away. That was for the lesson’s interests. I could have easily beaten him at anytime.’

   ‘Really? Go on then.’ How tempted I was to launch what I had in my hand right now at his head. Instead, I breathed in and out deeply for a few moments, sheathed my blade and went to pick up my cloak, bow and quiver. I needed to do something to release the pressure built-up inside.

   Later on that day, my father called me to see him. At first I was worried (about what, I wasn’t sure), only to find out he wanted to discuss the ball with me. We sat at the round table for nearly three hours. I hardly took anything in, but it seemed well planned anyway, even before I knew there were any plans of any kind (for my eighteenth birthday). To think that my birthday was only a couple of days away was alarming, it seemed that as soon as you reached seventeen no one cared about that age, but rather were too busy thinking a year in advance.