19
HOSHI pokes his nose in my hair.
"I know it looks like hay," I say drily, "but it's really not."
The colt ignores me and continues nuzzling. When he finally concludes that it's not edible, he trots off to where his mother is. For the first few seconds, Maiko ignores his frisking about, then abruptly, she breaks into a canter. Tossing his head, Hoshi follows.
Mother and son romp around the green grass, nudging and pushing, playing in the brightness of the afternoon sun. I watch them, and I can't help smiling. They look so happy, so content.
It makes me miss my mom even more.
There's a tell-tale honk on my right. I don't even turn my head.
"Hey Gacho," I say.
Over these few weeks, I've come to fear the goose less. I've also learned that the trick lies in always keeping a treat in your pocket. Most of the time, Gacho snatches it and runs a three-mile sprint in the other direction, but I'll take that. Anything as long as those teeth aren't snapping at me.
I pull out a banana I snuck out from the kitchen. Gacho's beady eyes gleam. Breaking off a sizable chunk, I toss it onto the grass in her direction. After a second, I throw her another one.
"That's for your partner," I say. "What's his name again – Gandalf? Go bring it home now."
Gacho looks at me. She flaps her wings and does two loud honks. Gandalf the grey gander waddles up, and instead of running away as they usually do, the two geese straight away start nibbling.
When they're done, Gacho toddles up to me. Her eyes are unblinking as they meet mine.
I hold my breath.
The goose pecks a bit around my shoes and legs. She wanders up to a patch of grass right beside my waist, within petting distance. Then she tucks her head under her wing and promptly goes to sleep.
I could cry from the honour.
Tired out from their rollicking, Maiko and Hoshi have now taken to the shade of an elm tree. Maiko lies down first, then Hoshi comes, snuggling into the crook of her front feet. The mare licks his ears.
"I miss you, Mom," I whisper to no one in particular.
Gacho pokes her head out from beneath her wing. Honk, honk.
Akai sits down on the grass next to me. He's holding a lime-colored tin.
The words To Bean or Not To Bean are printed around the circumference in fancy lettering.
Something heavy thuds in my stomach.
I keep my eyes on Hoshi and Maiko. "How much did you hear?"
"I was there before you came in," Akai says quietly. "A shopping errand for Anita."
"I see."
He heard me. He heard my father. He heard the conversation. He knows.
That Jared isn't just an ex, he's an ex-husband. That the press has labelled me a promiscuous slut, and I'm grappling with a messy divorce. He heard about Mom, heard me scream at my father, and saw my dramatic exit. Heard me disown my family name. He knows everything.
Well, almost everything.
Ultimately, it doesn't matter. I've never had a good image in Akai's eyes, so what's a few more ugly skeletons in the cupboard?
"You did well, Miss Iris."
The words enter my ears, but my brain doesn't comprehend them. After a few seconds, I turn around to look at Akai.
He's already looking at me.
The truth is, Akai isn't a cold-hearted, stony-faced statue all the time. I've seen his soft side before. When he's tending to the horses. When he's brushing the cows, feeding Riku, or walking Gacho by the lake. When he reassured Chihiro he would find Maiko and bring her back.
In those moments, his eyes fill with warmth and kindliness. I've just never been able to be the recipient of that gaze.
Until now.
"It takes a lot of courage to stand up to someone, even more so when it's your own parent," Akai continues softly.
With each word, I feel myself getting sucked deeper into the gentleness of his gaze. I can't look away. I don't want to look away.
"So good job, Miss Iris," he finishes. "You did well."
It's like a large stone has been pulled out of my chest, and without it, there's nothing left to stop the rushing river of all my childhood pain and sorrow. The first sob escapes me in a tolerably lady-like sound, but the next is a bawl that wrecks my entire body, and then another, and another.
Any other day I might have been concerned with how pretty my tears looked, and whether or not there's snot coming out of my nose. But right now, sitting in the green grass of a summer afternoon three feet away from an alarmed goose, I can only cry and cry and cry.
Akai doesn't touch me. He doesn't hug me, or pat me, or try to comfort me.
He simply sits there, and stays there, and that is enough.
£
We stay outside until evening.
At some point, Father must have told Heather about the outcome of our conversation, because Heather attempts to ring me half a dozen times. I ignore her every call, letting my mobile vibrate away silently.
At the eighth call, Akai asks, "Are you not going to pick up?"
I shake my head.
"Then give it to me."
I hesitate for half a second before dropping my mobile into his outstretched hand. Akai places it to his ear.
And launches into a torrent of impeccable Japanese.
I'm left open-mouthed as Akai's tone ventures from polite questioning to slightly impatient, then very impatient, and finally frustrated anger. The phone call culminates in the most perfectly imperfect English I've ever seen, where Akai barks down the phone – "You wrong number! Stop calling or report police!" Then hangs up.
Akai hands the mobile back to me with an insouciant shrug. "I can't guarantee she won't call back. But that should make her think twice."
Twice was exactly the number of retries Heather did. After that she simply gave up.
I feel bad for my sister. But not bad enough to call her back.
At four o'clock, Akai stands up and shoves his hands into his pockets.
"I seem to remember you saying you love riding."
The memory of that failed seduction brings a pink tinge to my cheeks. "That is correct."
"Kuroo and Shou could use a bit of galloping." He peers down at me. "Care to help?"
£
In the stable, Akai teaches me how to properly saddle a horse. As we move around the straps and buckles, our fingers brush and graze each other's intermittently.
It's the most innocent of touches, and I'm not an innocent woman. But somehow with Akai, even this fleeting contact is enough to set every part of me aflame.
I vault onto Shou. He snorts impatiently. Next to me, Akai picks up Kuroo's reins. His eyes are keen, and the black horse simply bridles with excitement.
"Ready, Miss Iris?" he asks.
I toss my hair back in response. "Last one to the lake gets thrown in."
A glint in his eyes at the challenge. "Very well. Do not forget you were the one who suggested it."
"Hard to forget when I'll be the one throwing you in."
A flick of the wrist, and both our horses burst out of the stable, galloping across the curve of the grass that borders the estate from the house. I aim straight for the paved footpath, narrow enough to accommodate just one horse. Beside me, Akai does the same.
Over the sound of the whipping wind, I yell, "Do you believe in ladies first, Akai?"
"Not when my dignity's at sake, Miss Iris!"
I reach the footpath first, Shou speeding up now that his hooves have left bumpy ground. Behind me Akai is very close, and when the path bends, he moves to my left then cuts back in in front of me. But then half a minute on the path bends again, and repeating the same maneuver, I wrestle back the lead and stay in it until we've reached the lake.
Laughing, I pull Shou to a gentle stop. "I won!"
Behind me, Akai looks miffed. "You have the advantage of the younger horse."
I roll my eyes. "Don't make excuses now. You have a punishment to carry out."
He looks disgustedly at the lake. "But there are germs in there." His voice is almost petulant.
"That's what soap in the shower is for." I dismount and walk up to Kuroo. "Come on then, get down."
Akai thinks for a second. "No, thank you."
"Hey! We had a deal!"
"You proposed a deal."
"And you replied, 'very well'!"
"I was talking about the weather."
Without warning, Kuroo bucks. Losing his grip on the reins, Akai slides down and off the saddle ... right into the lake. There's a tremendous splash, and I practically split my sides in glee.
Akai splutters, emerging from the water. His eyes are wide with shock and there's a random plant clinging to his hair. I laugh even harder.
He narrows his eyes. "Oh, you think this is very funny, do you?"
Akai lunges at me and I let out a little scream – but it's too late. Arm around my waist, he drags me into the water, and our combined weight triggers a spectacularly explosive fountain. At this point I'm pretty much helpless with laughter, and so it takes me a moment to register the new sound I'm hearing.
The sound of Akai laughing.
Water lashes around my knees as I whirl around to look at him.
His shirt is almost transparent as it clings to skin. His eyes are crinkled up in merriment. And his laugh is like rich, fruity chocolate dissolving in my ears.
The sound fades as he catches me staring. "What?"
"It's just ..." I trail off. "I've never seen you smile before."
There it is again. This awkward atmosphere. This tension. This time it feels more sensitive than usual. As if the tiniest of pressure could make it break.
I'm so lost in the moment that when Shou whinnies, I give a startled gasp.
Akai steps out of the lake and busies himself with shaking water out of his shoe. "We should get back, Miss Iris."
And just like that, it's over. I've lost the warm Akai. It's back to the usual version now. Formal, and polite. Distant.
I bow my head to conceal my disappointment. "Of course."
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