Tinitigan ko ang cellphone na kanina pa tumutunog. Isang pangalan lang ang lumalabas mula sa caller ID magmula kanina. Lahat ng tawag na natatanggap ko sa buong araw, galing kay Trevor. May mga text din galing kay Destinee pero karamihan, galing din kay Trevor ang mga nare-receive kong messages.

Is it so bad to not attend a class just for today? Ngayon lang naman ako um-absent nang walang magandang dahilan na baon. Was that too much?

Nagbuntonghininga ako bago sinagot ang tawag.

"Solari . . ." he said on the other line with his panicking voice.

I sighed. "Hmm?"

"Where are you? Bakit hindi ka pumasok?" He paused. "A-Are you alright?"

Inikot ko ang kinalulugaran ko ngayon. Pinanood ko ang mga turista na magkarera gamit ang kani-kanilang go-kart habang may mga camera na nasa harap nila. Napangiti ako nang bahagya nang maalala na naging masaya rin naman kami ni Klein dito pero dahil sa nangyari kanina, pakiramdam ko, hindi na mauulit 'yon.

"Nasa Kart City ako."

He sighed. "P-Pupunta ako. D'yan ka lang, ha?"

Hindi na ako sumagot pa. Pinatay ko na lang ang tawag nang magpaalam siya. Umalis na ako sa Kart Racing Park at pumasok sa The Game Room para manood na lang ng nagbibilyar sa loob. Hapon na rin naman kaya bumili na rin ako ng maiinom ko habang naghihintay kay Trevor. Naupo ako sa high chair at tahimik na nanood ng mga naglalaro.

Most of the people inside this place were men. Mukhang magbabarkada dahil para silang magkakaedad. They were betting blue bills for every game and I couldn't understand a thing about it.

Nakatatlong game na sila nang mapalingon ako sa pumasok sa lugar. There was Trevor, panting and looking worried as he stared at me. He took a deep breath before walking towards me. He sat on the high chair beside me.

"Hi."

I smiled. "You really didn't have to come here."

He sighed. "I'm worried."

I chuckled. "Trevor, I'm 20. You don't have to worry about me too much. I'm alright. I just want a break."

Hindi na siya nagtanong pa ulit ng tungkol do'n. Naririnig ko na lang ang mga buntonghininga niya na para bang napagod siya sa buong maghapon at ngayon lang nakapagpahinga.

"N-Nasaan ka pala kanina?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I was just roaming around. Ang tagal magbukas nitong KCT, eh."

He nodded slightly. "Then . . . bakit hindi ka pumasok?"

Lumingon ako sa kan'ya saka bahagyang tumawa. "I told you, I need a break."

"Break from school?"

I smiled before looking at the people playing billiards once again. "Break from everything."

He went silent after that. He didn't talk for a few minutes. Ilang sandali pa, tumayo siya sa harap ko. "Uhh, shall we walk outside? Malamig ang hangin do'n."

Tumango ako bago sinukbit ang bag. Sabay na kaming lumabas saka naglakad-lakad sa loob ng KCT. Tama nga ang sinabi niya na malamig ang hangin ngayong bumaba na ang araw. Marami-rami na rin ang tao kompara sa kanina.

"Did . . . something happen?" he asked hesitantly.

I sighed. "Nagkasagutan kami ni Mama." I chuckled. "And I don't want to go home right now. Wala akong mukhang maihaharap sa kan'ya."

"Bakit naman?"

Lumingon ako sa kan'ya. "Nahihiya ako kasi anak niya ako." My eyes heated. "Kung ako si Mama, ikakahiya ko na may anak akong tulad ko." I chuckled as my tears started to pool on the corner of my eyes.

"Can you . . . share a little bit about it? Baka makatulong sa 'yo," he said as we continued walking slowly.

I took a deep breath. "Hindi kasi ako nagsisisi sa mga nagawa ko. Hindi ko mahanap yung pagsisisi sa akin . . . at nahihiya ako sa kan'ya nang dahil do'n kasi . . . kasi nalaman niya. Kilalang-kilala niya talaga ako. Nanay ko nga talaga siya."

I tried to laugh it off but it only made me cry. I sniffed as I wiped my tears away but the pain didn't go away. Patuloy lang sa pag-agos ang mga luha ko kaya naman wala na akong nagawa.

"Hiyang-hiya ako kay Mama at Papa dahil . . . dahil anak nila ako. Wala akong ibang iniisip kung hindi ano yung makakapagpasaya sa akin . . . kahit na mali sa paningin ng lahat." I sobbed. "Para kasi sa akin, wala namang mali sa ginawa ko. Pero gets ko yung point niya."

My voice broke as I remembered how furious she was earlier today. "Pero . . . pero pinaglaban ko pa. Nanumbat pa ako. Eh alam ko namang kaligtasan ko lang ang iniisip nila."

I cried more as I reminisced about what happened after I left home.

"And after I left her alone in our home, crying because of me, I went to Klein's house because I want to talk to him. I want him to take me back . . . kasi sabi niya, mahal niya ako. Kung mahal niya ako, eh 'di balikan niya ako, 'di ba?"

I chuckled. "Yun lang ang naiisip kong paraan para . . . para maging tama lahat ng mali sa paningin ni Mama. Kasi sabi niya, kung magkaibigan lang naman pala kami ni Klein, tumigil na ako. Lubayan ko na ang pakikipagkita sa kan'ya kasi nalaman niya nga lahat . . . na may nangyari."

More tears went out of my eyes. I wiped it away but it was of no use.

"Alam ko . . . sinabi ko kay Klein na this time, we'll take our time. Pero kasi, hindi na ako makapag-isip nang mabuti." I sobbed as I stopped walking. "Yung magkaroon kami ng relasiyon ulit yung tanging paraan na alam ko para maging tama lahat."

Trevor sighed as he handed me his handkerchief. Tinanggap ko 'yon at marahang pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi.

"So? What did he say?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kan'ya. Kitang-kita ko sa mga mata niya yung dismaya. I know because I'm really disappointing. He shouldn't like someone as stupid as I am.

"I asked him if he still loves me. Sabi niya, mahal na mahal niya ako. Kaya sabi ko, balikan niya ako kung talagang mahal niya ako pero . . . pero hindi. Ayaw niya pa. Hindi nga niya pinapansin ang mga tawag ko bago ako pumunta sa bahay niya, nakita ko. Tapos sabi niya pa . . . saka na lang kami mag-usap."

He sighed in frustration as he ran his fingers through his hair. "What is his point? If he loves you, hindi siya magsasayang ng oras. Kukuhanin ka niya ulit . . . hindi ka niya itatrato nang gan'yan."

I bit my lower lip. "H-He has psychological battles. He's clinically diagnosed with depression two years ago and . . . he's always isolating himself whenever he doesn't want to be around people."

"Including you?" he asked with a creased forehead.

I smiled bitterly. "Including me."

He nodded slowly. "So . . . he didn't get any better? Or he didn't take the help that he needed for that?"

I sighed. "He did. He did get better." I gulped as my eyes started to heat once again. "But mental illnesses can sometimes be permanent. It does not go away that easily. It may rests kaya akala natin, okay na pero . . . pero bumabalik 'yon. It doesn't even have a . . . sign that it came back. Biglaan na lang."

I looked down as I felt my hands tremble at the fear that I just felt.

"Natatakot akong baka hindi pa talaga siya totally okay. Natatakot ako na . . . baka isa talaga ako sa mga dahilan kung bakit nagiging hindi siya okay." Another batch of tears fell from my eyes. "Kasi maayos na siya noong nagkahiwalay kami. Naging maayos siya noong wala ako. Ngayong magkalapit ulit kami, nasasaktan ko na naman siya."

Baka nga totoong ako yung araw sa buhay niya. Kailangan kong maging malayo sa kan'ya para maging maayos siya . . . para manatili siyang buhay. Hindi ako p'wedeng maging malapit sa kan'ya kasi I'm causing him pain . . . trouble. I'm always the one to be the reason for every battle to be worsened.

"So . . . you're blaming yourself for that?" he asked with a creased forehead. I looked away as I wiped my tears while the strong and cold wind blew my hair. "Solari, you're not a kid to think that way. Nobody has control over something that . . . big. It was his own battle and I'd bet my all, he already has that long before you and him met."

I sighed. "Still . . . I was the reason why his alcoholism worsened. He became dependent with alcohol when I broke up with him—"

"And you did it because I assumed that you've reached your limit. You've been hurt enough. You've suffered long enough. The Solari that I fell in love with never backed down easily. She never gave up without a good reason."

Napaawang ang bibig ko sa sinabi niya. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at patuloy na pinunasan ang mga luha. Narinig kong nagbuntonghininga siya bago naglakad paalis. Tahimik lang akong sumunod sa kan'ya.

Nakarating kami sa bakanteng table sa labas. Naupo kami ro'n at dinama ang malamig na hangin habang pinanonood ang mga turista na nasa loob ng lugar.

"You didn't seem surprised." He chuckled. "So . . . alam mo?" he asked.

I nodded as I looked down on my lap. "Hindi naman ako manhid." He chuckled. "I've had a few relationships before and there were men trying to flirt with me. You're . . ." Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kan'ya saka ngumiti nang bahagya. " . . . one of them."

He nodded as he took a deep breath. "Kung hindi ba kayo nagkausap ulit ng ex mo . . . sa tingin mo, may chance ako sa 'yo?"

Bahagya akong ngumiti. "I . . . I don't think so." I bit my lower lip. "Despite our breakup, Klein insisted on studying with the same university as I am. I was so happy to see him around and I always feel relieved to see him in a good situation. Back then, at that moment, I was insisting that I have fallen out of love with him because after we broke up, I never shed a single tear. So, akala ko, ganoon."

Muli kong ibinaba ang tingin sa kandungan saka pinanood ang daliri kong paglaruan ang bulaklak ng singsing.

"Anyone would think that way, right?" I chuckled. "Kaso, hindi. Kung hindi ko na siya mahal, bakit wala akong ibang nagustuhan for that whole two years that were apart? Kung hindi ko na siya mahal, bakit ang saya-saya ko kapag nakikita ko siya? Kung hindi ko na siya mahal . . . bakit hindi ko pa rin magawang magustuhan ka sa kabila ng lahat ng kabutihan na ipinakita mo sa akin?"

Nagbuga siya ng malalim na buntonghininga bago ipinatong ang dalawa niyang kamay na magkasalikop ang mga daliri sa lamesa. Ngumiti siya sa akin.

"I understand." He gulped. "I understand now." He chuckled slightly as he looked down. "Masakit marinig pero . . . pero nitong mga nagdaang linggo, simula nang dumating siya, nakita kitang malungkot at nasasaktan palagi. Nakita kitang umiyak sa unang pagkakataon." He looked at me once again as he smiled a little. "Pero noong dumating siya, no'n ko lang din nakita yung totoong saya sa 'yo."

I nodded. "Well . . ." I sighed because I really didn't know what to say.

"Maybe your heart is already programmed to only feel genuine emotions solely for him . . . for Klein."

After that talk, we continued walking around the place. Nang dumilim na, doon na rin kami nag-dinner sa Chaps Diner. We were silent the whole time after we talked about our feelings to each other. Feeling ko, mali na sinabi ko 'yon pero kung magsasabi ako sa kan'ya ng sagot na hindi naman talaga totoo para sa akin, mas mali siguro 'yon.

Sa una lang naman masakit 'yon. Sa una lang naman siya masasaktan. He's smart. He will understand.

Nang mag-9:30 p.m., umalis na kami ng KCT. Sumakay kami ng jeep papunta sa amin.

"Sana doon ka na lang sumakay sa sakayan mo," I said.

He chuckled. "Anong klaseng lalaki naman ako para hayaan kang umuwi nang mag-isa nang ganitong oras?"

Ngumiti na lang ako bilang tugon.

"Uhh, nga pala . . . saan ka sa summer break?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Nasa bahay. Baka mag-summer job din ako sa isang publication for an experience. Ikaw?"

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Parang gusto kong umuwi muna."

Napakunot-noo ako. "Saan?"

"Sa bahay ng nanay ko, sa Zambales."

Napatango-tango ako. "Malapit lang naman pala."

He chuckled. "Oo. Maganda ro'n. Sa Olongapo ako. Gusto mo bang mamasyal doon minsan?"

I laughed. "Sa susunod na natin isipin ang bakasyon, kapag siguradong pasado na tayo."

He scoffed. "Ikaw pa ba? You graduated with high honors in your senior high years and a consistent dean's list now."

I smirked. "I couldn't even finish the short story na kailangang ipasa next week. You know, hindi naman ako palaging masipag mag-aral. Hindi ako palaging nagsusulat."

Tumango-tango siya. "Baka kasi puno pa yung . . . isip mo ng mga bagay-bagay." He shrugged. "Maybe you need to clear your mind."

Napanguso ako kasabay ng pagsandal sa jeep. Mabilis na ang andar nito dahil gabi na kaya naman makaldag na. Mabuti na lang, sa dulo ako pinaupo ni Trevor kaya naman may sandalan ako sa gilid.

"How, though?"

He smiled a little. "Talk. Talk it out. With your mother . . . or with him. Sort things out. Gaano man kahirap o kasakit harapin yung katotohanan, yung sagot sa mga tanong na nasa isip mo, you need to face it. Otherwise, you will never move forward with what you need and want to do in life."