❝ Hindi dapat kaagad kita hinusgahan

Kasi hindi ka naman talaga tulad ng aking inaasahan.

Marami kang pagkakamali noon.

Pero ang mahalaga, hindi na ikaw ’yon.

Ibang tao ka na ngayon

Sa taong nagkamali ng paulit-ulit noon. ❞
  

Kinagabihan, hindi ako makatulog dahil sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang mga mata ko, bigla kong maaalala kung paano ako hinalikan ni Klein kaninang umaga pati lahat ng mga sinabi niya bago kami umuwi.

Paulit-ulit akong sumipa sa kumot habang tinatampal ang magkabilang pisngi para lang mawala sa isip ko 'yon at makatulog na.

Bwisit!

Bumangon ako para sana magtimpla ulit ng kape sa baba. Sakto namang pagtunog ng cellphone ko, dahilan para mapalingon ako doon. Nang makita ko ang nakailaw na screen, noon ko lang din nalaman na 11:11 p.m. na pala.

Shuta. Mag-a-alas dose na!

Kinuha ko ang cellphone at tiningnan kung sino ang nag-text. Nanlaki pa ang mga mata ko nang mabasa ang pangalan ni Klein!

Ano na naman bang kailangan nito?! Gusto ko nang makatulog, p'wede ba!

Napabuntonghininga ako bago binasa ang text.

Klein:
Gising ka pa?

I sighed once again as I typed my reply.

Me:
Yup.

Klein:
Nice. :) Can I call?

Napalunok ako habang nakatitig sa huling text niya. Hindi ko alam kung anong ire-reply ko kasi . . . bakit ba ang hilig nitong tawagan ako? Wala naman kaming pinag-uusapan minsan!

Me:
Ah, why?

Klein:
I

can't sleep. Gusto sana kitang marinig…

Mabilis na nag-init ang mukha ko nang dahil doon. Kinagat ko ang ilalim na labi bago nag-reply.

Me:
Okay, then…

Wala pang isang minuto, nakita ko na ang pangalan niyang nag-flash sa screen ko. Tumikhim ako bago sinagot ang tawag.

“Hello . . .”

Tumawa siya nang mahina. “Hello.”

Napasimangot ako dahil nang marinig ko ang boses niya, alam kong umiinom ulit siya.

“You know what to do when you can’t sleep?”

“What?”

“Stop drinking.”

He chuckled. “Paano mo nalaman?”

I sighed before laying my back on the bed. “Masyado nang familiar ang voice mo kaya nadi-distinguish ko na kung umiinom ka or not.”

He chuckled once again. “Wow. I’m so . . . honored.”

I laughed. “Bakit naman?”

“Kilala na ng crush ko ang boses ko.”

Humagalpak ako ng tawa dahil sa sinabi niya, kasabay ng paghawak ko nang mahigpit sa cellphone na nakatapat sa kanang tainga ko.

“Crush ka d’yan.”

“Tss. That’s true.”

I rolled my eyes at the ceiling. “Don’t charot me.”

Humagalpak siya ng tawa dahil do’n. “You’re so cute.” He sighed. “But then . . . seryoso naman ako sa mga sinasabi ko. When I said that I have a crush on you, that I like you, I’m serious. I don’t play with someone’s emotions anymore.”

Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko dahil sa huling salitang binitiwan niya.

Anymore . . .

Ibig sabihin, he used to play with someone’s emotions. How sure am I that he won’t play with mine, right?

“Any . . . more?” I chuckled. “So you played before.”

“That’s the keyword. Before. I don’t do that anymore. Lessons are learned the hard way. And I may not promise you anything right now but I can assure you that I will never do that to you.”

But . . . will his assurance be enough to protect myself from hurting? Kasi feeling ko, hindi. Whenever I am reminded that he used to cheat, it always hurts me. Alam ko namang in denial lang ako pero sa tingin ko, hindi ko na maitatanggi na gusto ko rin naman siya.

After all, it’s so easy to . . . like him . . . after a few weeks of being with him.

“I’m sorry but . . . nahihirapan kasi akong maniwala sa ngayon. Na . . . bigla ka lang nagbago. Na . . . suddenly, you had your character development without any internal or external force.”

I heard him take a deep breath. “Do you . . . have time to listen to everything I’m about to say?” he asked.

I gulped, feeling nervous now. “Y-Yes.”

“Okay.”

I patiently waited for him to talk. I heard the sound of the glass before he gulped. Maybe he poured his glass with the alcohol he’s drinking, then he drank it. 

“I was an asshole. A cheater—womanizer—to be precise. I was very young when I started doing that and for years, I never cared about anything—or anyone—as long as I was enjoying it. As long as I am benefiting in every relationship I had. I was selfish and . . . naïve. I am very playful and I . . . I can’t deny this but I am very intimate with all of them.”

Napalunok ako matapos kong marinig ang mga unang sinabi niya. Parang doon pa lang, information overload na.

“I was fifteen when I first experience sex. I was young, yes. I can’t deny that. But after that, it felt like I had power. Like . . . I just experienced something that most people my age haven’t experienced yet. I used to think that it was a good thing but it wasn’t, actually.”

Wow. Fifteen . . .

Fifteen ako nagkaroon ng first boyfriend tapos puro text text lang! Ni hindi kami nag-holding hands n’on! Tapos siya, nakapag-sex na no’n?!

“After that, I kept on having girlfriends I never really liked. It’s not that I got addicted to sex. I just . . . I just like it. Hindi ko naman ginawa ’yon sa lahat ng naging babae ko. I just enjoyed being with women because it felt like I am above anyone. And it’s actually not a good thing, either. Ramdam ko sa sarili ko ’yung pagbabago ko noon. Parang ang naging dating kasi sa akin, ‘I am a man. I can do this and that,’ gano’n.”

Men really think that they are God when they have women who want to be with them, huh? I scoffed.

“Until . . ."

Nagsimula nang kumabog ang dibdib ko dahil lang sa isang salitang 'yon.

“Until I met this one girl. He was a friend and I had a girlfriend back then. But . . . she is as playful as I was. She and my girlfriend at that time were friends with each other, but this girl won’t even hesitate to tease me . . . to play with me. And as a guy who felt like he was a god, I played with her fire. I cheated with my girlfriend at that time and had sex with her for a few times.”

Sunod-sunod ang paghinga ko habang pinakikinggan ang mga sinasabi niya. Huli na rin nang malaman ko ang ginagawa ko. I am biting my fingernails once again but I couldn’t care anymore. Nag-iinit ang ulo ko sa mga pinagsasabi nitong lalaking ’to!

“My girlfriend at that time was very kind and understanding. She never made me feel that she’s going to leave me. Kaya noong nalaman niya na nagkaroon ako ng iba habang kami pa, umasa ako na hindi niya ako iiwan. Na . . . patatawarin niya ako.” He chuckled while I rolled my eyes. “Pero hindi. Iniwan niya ako. Sinuyo ko siya nang matagal kaso hindi na siya bumalik sa akin.”

I scoffed. “Buti nga.”

Tumawa siya nang malakas nang dahil do’n.

“Anyway, after that, I felt so guilty. I stopped playing with women’s emotions. I just stick with this other girl para panindigan at pagbayaran yung ginawang pagkakamali ko. At first, I really didn’t like her the way I liked my other girlfriend. For me, before, she’s just like any other girl who would throw themselves at men they find attractive because that’s what she did with me. But as time went by that I was with her, I was falling . . . deep . . . and hard.”

I heaved a deep sigh as I listened to more of his stories about his past.

“Noon, sabi ko, kaya lang ako nag-i-stay sa kan’ya, kasi nagkamali ako. Nasaktan ko yung babaeng napakabait na nagmahal sa akin nang totoo at inintindi ako. But aside from her playful side, she is a responsible daughter. I saw a side of her that nobody knows.

“I was ashamed of myself kasi I was just playful and I am a good-for-nothing son. Siya, kahit na playful siya, responsableng anak siya at alam niya ang mga responsibility niya bilang anak. So after a few weeks of being with her, I told her . . . that I love her. And she says that she’s actually in love with me, too.”

He chuckled as he continued his storytelling that I don’t think I am enjoying.

“I was so happy at that time. I even forgot that I used to be a player because I almost devoted myself to her. Dati, iniisip ko, kung p’wede lang na magsama na kami sa iisang bahay, ginawa ko na. Kaso masyado pa kaming bata kaya nagtiis ako sa pagpunta sa bahay nila palagi and vice versa. And, yes. We do sex a lot. I’m sorry for the words. I just want to make these things clear to you.”

Napanguso ako dahil hindi na talaga ako natutuwa sa mga naririnig ko pero ano pa bang magagawa ko? I agreed to listen to his stories. Alangan namang pagpatayan ko siya just because I am pissed off. Argh!

“But then, after just a few months of dating, things always happen the way they shouldn't be." He laughed. “She cheated her way in, so she cheated her way out.”

Napalunok ako kasabay ng pagkabog ng dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. Narinig ko ang pagtunog ng glass at ang paglagok niya ng alak mula rito.

“She cheated on me, not once but a lot of times. I turned a blind eye because I love her but she’s actually begging me to leave her already. I couldn’t accept that but upon reminiscing all those days that I was the one to cheat and play with women’s emotions, doon ko naintindihan na . . . ahh, karma ko ’to. After everything I’ve done with women before, ito na yung karma ko.” He chuckled. “And so I let her go. I let her be with the other guy.”

Ohh . . . now I understand. Now I understand why he’s so sure that he won’t play with me like he did with other women before.

“My life was a mess at that time because I realized everything. I had a moment of epiphany. I finally get to know how it feels to be fooled by someone I loved so badly.” He laughed. “Nalaman ko na lahat ng naramdaman ng mga babaeng niloko at pinaglaruan ko noon dahil sa pagiging makasarili ko. Muntik na masira ang buhay ko kasi wala akong ibang p’wedeng sisihin kung hindi ang sarili ko. Hindi ko kayang sisihin yung ex ko na ’yon kasi before she came, I was a big time cheater, too. Karma ko na lang talaga kaya naranasan ko lahat ng ’yon.”

I gulped before I started talking. “So . . . how is she now?”

He sighed before I heard him drink again. “She’s still with the guy. Okay naman siguro siya. Mukha naman siyang masaya all those times until now.” He laughed. “Unfair, ’no? Nag-cheat din naman siya pero bakit siya lang ang sumaya?”

Napanguso ako dahil nasaktan ako para sa kan’ya.

“Did she say sorry?”

He sighed. “Yes. A lot of times. Pero hindi ko tinanggap at sinabi ko na ’wag siyang mag-sorry sa akin kasi . . . hindi rin naman kami nakapag-sorry nang maayos noong kaming dalawa ang magkasamang nagloko. I just told her to stay away from me and everything will be fine.”

He really did have a lot of realizations back then, huh? Nagi-guilty tuloy ako dahil sa dami ng beses na hindi ko pinaniwalaan ang pagbabago niya, when in fact, may pinagkukunan naman pala talaga siya.

“H-How did you cope up with your broken heart? What did you do to be the person that you are now?” I asked.

He sighed as he became silent for a few seconds. Ilang sandali pa, nagsalita na siya.

“It’s been a year since the breakup. Sa loob ng mahigit isang taon na ’yon, all I did was drink and smoke. The first few weeks were the hardest. Hindi ko talaga tinitigilan ang alak kasabay ng paninigarilyo. Hanggang sa lumipas ang mga linggo at buwan, nakakaya ko na. Nawawala na 'yung sakit. Nababawasan na ang alak at sigarilyo. Hanggang sa, eto, ngayon kaya ko na uminom just twice or thrice a week. It was an improvement for me.”

I laughed sarcastically. “Improvement ka d’yan. The real improvement is drinking once a week, Klein. I’d be very proud of you if you can do that.”

He laughed. “I tried but my withdrawals were the hardest to handle so, I’d rather do these.”

Withdrawals? Ano kaya ang withdrawals niya?

“Anyway, that’s the force I had to get my character development. Will you believe in me now?”

Napanguso ako.

It’s true that I understand everything now. Naniniwala na rin ako na hindi niya magagawa ’yon, pero hanggang kailan? What if bumalik siya sa kung ano siya dati?

“Sa tingin mo . . . hanggang kailan ka gan’yan?” I cleared my throat as I bit my fingernails. “I mean . . . hanggang kailan ka okay? Hanggang kailan mo hindi gagawin yung mga ginawa mo noon?”

He chuckled. “Hangga’t ikaw ang gusto ko, hindi ako babalik sa kung ano ako noon.”

My eyes started to heat as I heard him say that. It was the warmest assurance that I have from him. Though, it may sound selfish kasi kung iba, gagawin niya, ’di ba? Kung sa akin, hindi na. Pero . . . just this once, gusto kong maging masaya at maging selfish dahil sa sinabi niya.

Minsan lang naman. P’wede naman ’yon, ’di ba?

And . . . it’s not so bad to take a risk for him, right? After all, he willingly tell me his past unfiltered. He’s true to himself. He showed it all to me just now.

Maybe he deserves a chance?

I heaved a sigh before I started talking. “Actually, y-you’re really not that hard to . . . to like, Klein. You were way different from what I perceived you as before I got to know you. And I . . . I, now, believe in you . . . your words. I believe that y-you’re words are absolute, like you said. So . . .”

I heard him sigh. “So . . . ? What, Solari? So . . . ?”

I gulped as I took my pillow and hugged it tight as I buried my face on it.

“I like you too.” I gulped. “And for the question earlier, m-my answer is . . . y-yes.”

He was silent. I couldn't hear anything from the other line so I became anxious. I started biting my fingernails once again as I talked.

“G-Good nig--”

“Solari . . .”

I gulped. “H-Huh?”

He chuckled. “I don’t think I just like you.”

“W-What?”

He chuckled. “See you tomorrow.”

I laughed. “Walang pasok bukas!”

“Basta see you tomorrow. You’ll have to answer my question personally since I asked you that in person, right? I'll go to your house tomorrow.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko kasabay ng pagkabog ng dibdib ko. “Wala ako sinabi kay Mama na pupunta ka dito bukas!”

He chuckled. “Just tell her tomorrow morning when you wake up, okay? Let’s sleep. Good night, my Solari.”

Wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang mas higpitan pa ang yakap sa unan dahil sa sinabi niya.

My Solari . . .

Why does my name sound so beautiful whenever it comes from his lips? I want to cry.

“G-Good night.”

And then I ended the call.

:)