❝ Gusto kong magtanong sa sarili ko

Bakit pakiramdam ko

Ang dali kong maniwala

Pagdating sa 'yo? ❞
   

 
Naupo ako sa swivel chair at kinuha ang earphone saka isinaksak ang jack nito sa cellphone. Inilagay ko ang magkabilang earbuds sa tainga nang makita na tumatawag na siya. Sinagot ko ito makalipas ng ilang ring.

"H-Hello . . ." I said, gulping.

He sighed. "Bakit mo ginawa 'yan mag-isa?"

I bit my lower lip as I tried to focus my eyes on the monitor. "I-I have nothing to do today."

"You should've replied to my texts, then."

I gulped as my heart started beating faster. "W-Wala naman akong sasabihin, eh."

"Ako, meron."

Nahigit ko ang hininga sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko man lang nagawang makasagot kaagad . . . hanggang sa magsalita siya ulit.

"Bakit hindi ka na pupunta dito bukas?"

I gulped again. "I told you, I have other plans."

"Mas importante pa sa research natin?"

I sighed in frustration as I bit my fingernails. "K-Kaya nga ginagawa ko--"

"Stop biting your fingernails."

Napakunot-noo ako nang dahil do'n bago ibinaba ang kamay. "Huh?"

I heard his breathing. "I know your voice too damn well."

Nag-init ang mukha ko sa sinabi niya. Tumikhim ako bago muling sinabi ang sinasabi ko kanina.

"T-Tulad ng sinabi ko kanina, kaya nga g-ginagawa ko na ngayon kasi hindi ko magagawa 'to bukas d'yan."

He became silent for a few minutes. Ilang beses ko pang tiningnan ang screen kung nandoon pa ba siya. Ilang sandali pa, narinig ko ang paglunok niya at ang pagtunog ng baso bago siya nagsalita.

"What's your plan tomorrow, then? Is it so urgent that you had to cancel our plan? Napag-usapan na natin 'to noong nakaraang linggo pa, 'di ba?"

Napakunot-noo ako dahil parang iba ang boses niya ngayon kaysa sa boses niya noong mga nagdaang gabi na magkausap din kami sa cellphone.

"Uhm . . . p-pupunta ako kina Eureka."

He chuckled. "They have plans for research tomorrow, too. Nakalimutan mo na bang kasama natin sila mag-lunch kanina? I might not talk a lot personally but I do observe. I heard them talk about it."

Hindi na ako nakasagot pa. Hindi ako nakapaghanda ng explanation para dito. I know I'm such a coward for doing this--an asshole for suddenly being like this--but I can't really help it.

I'm really hurt right now.

I bit my lower lip and didn't talk anymore. I just lied and I was caught. This feels ridiculous pala.

"You're avoiding me, right?"

I bit my lower lip. "H-Hindi sa gano'n--"

He sighed. "Ano ba do'n 'yung dahilan? Why are you avoiding me? Is it because I told Eureka that I like you?" My face heated as my heart started beating faster. "Or is it because I said that I used to be a cheater?"

Hindi ako sumagot. Nang natahimik kaming dalawa, doon ko lang napagtanto kung bakit iba ang boses niya ngayon.

I heard the sound of glasses. He must be drinking and already tipsy that's why he's talkative. This is the first time I talked to him while he's drinking . . . tipsy.

"Don't you get the words used to, Solari?"

Isinandal ko ang ulo sa headrest saka pinakinggan ang lahat ng sasabihin niya.

"I said, I used to be a cheater. I even said that I learned from it and have no plans on doing it ever again in my entire life because . . ." He sighed. ". . . because it never did me any good. Why are you avoiding me?"

Hindi ulit ako sumagot. Hindi ko dapat patulan ang taong nakainom. Maybe he's just being emotional right now. Mahirap sabayan ang ganito. Baka magkaproblema pa. Pakikinggan ko na lang siya.

"I know that cheaters are losers and I know too damn well that you hate cheaters. You loathe them. Everyone does. Pero hindi naman na ako 'yung taong 'yon, a year ago. I wasn't the same person when I was sixteen. I learned. I changed for the betterment of myself. I grow everyday. Are sinners in the past unacceptable?"

I sighed as I shut my eyes in frustration. "Hindi gano'n, Klein."

Ang hirap naman makipag-usap ngayon sa kan'ya! Dagdag pa na umiinom siya kaya ayaw ko na lang din magsalita nang magsalita.

"Then tell me." He sighed. "What should I do, Solari?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nag-init ang sulok ng mga mata ko sa tono ng pananalita niya doon.

"Wala."

"But you're avoiding me."

"Hindi nga gano'n."

"Eh, ano pala?"

I gulped as I opened my eyes. "Nag-iisip lang ako. Knowing that you used to cheat on someone really disappoints me, Klein."

"What are you thinking?"

I bit my lower lip as my fingers started fidgeting. I gulped before I started talking, feeling so nervous now that I'll share my thoughts to him who's drinking now. Who knows? He may forget about everything tomorrow as soon as he wakes up.

I really can't trust someone who's drunk--or drinking, at least.

"Ano pa ba ang mga malalaman ko tungkol kay Klein? Handa ba akong malaman ang mga bagay na hindi kagusto-gusto sa kan'ya? Ipapaalam kaya niya sa akin lahat? May iba pa bang mas malala sa pagiging cheater niya noon? Hanggang saan ang ipapaalam niya sa akin?" I chuckled. "Mga gan'yang bagay ang tumatakbo sa isip ko."

He became silent. Muli akong nakarinig ng tunog ng baso o bote sa kabilang linya, pati ang paglagok niya, bago siya sumagot.

"I am willing to tell you everything. You just have to ask. Hindi mo kailangang umiwas o mag-isip. Nandito naman ako para sagutin lahat. I won't lie or sugarcoat anything."

Hindi ako sumagot dahil bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon? Bakit ako magtatanong? Hindi ko naman ugali 'yon. He should tell me on his own. I don't want to pry on someone else's life.

"I told you before. My words are absolute. If there's only one thing I can promise you, that is I will never lie about what I feel for you."

Pinatunog ko ang mga daliri sa computer table habang nag-iisip ng mga sasabihin sa kan'ya. Ilang minuto kaming tahimik bago ako nagbuntonghininga dahil narinig ko ulit ang tunog ng baso sa kan'ya.

"Mag-usap na lang tayo ulit kapag hindi ka na umiinom."

Bahagya siyang tumawa. "Hindi naman ako lasing."

"I don't care. I just don't feel like talking to someone who might forget what we talked about when he wakes up."

He sighed. "Solari, hindi ako lasing. At kung ano man ang pinag-uusapan natin ngayon, makalimutan ko man 'yan bukas, you should believe in everything I say."

I chuckled. "At bakit?"

"Once I told you something when I'm drunk, believe it because I will never say that if it never crossed my mind." He sighed. "When I say that my words are absolute, I mean it."

Napailing na lang ako. "Hindi naman gano'n palagi."

"Ganoon palagi sa akin. Kahit anong sabihin ko, lasing man o hindi, paninindigan ko. I stand by my own words, Sol."

Napairap ako bago muling isinandal ang ulo sa headrest.

"Even if you say bad things?"

He became silent once again. I knew I hit a spot, that's why. And for some reasons, I hit a spot in me, too.

"Even if I say bad things."

Napatango na lang ako.

Right . . . hindi nga naman niya masasabi ang isang bagay na hindi pumasok sa isip niya. Kaya kung sakali man na may nasabi siyang masama sa akin habang lasing siya, I should believe it, right?

"Solari . . ."

"Hmm?"

"Don't you believe that a person can learn from their own mistakes?"

I bit my lower lip. Tumayo ako at naglakad na papunta sa kama ko dahil pakiramdam ko, hahaba pa nang hahaba itong usapan dahil sa mga tanong niya.

"If you're talking about yourself, medyo hesitant ako. You know, you just admitted that you were a playful guy back then. You're still in your teenage years. We are still in our teenage years, Klein. You may have learned from it right now but you can still be the same playful guy that you were once," I explained. 

Narinig ko ang paggalaw niya. Hindi ko maipaliwanag pero dahil sa tunog na ginawa ng boses niya, do'n ko napagtanto na humiga na rin siya.

"Yeah. I got your point. Kaya hindi rin kita masisi kung bakit iniiwasan mo ako ngayon." Bahagya siyang tumawa. "But . . . don't you believe that . . . a person won't make the same mistake anymore?" he asked again.

"Well . . ." I wrapped myself with my blanket. "Based sa pagbabasa ko tungkol sa creative writing, hindi basta-basta natututo sa isang pagkakamali ang isang tao kung walang nangyari sa kan'ya na nakapagpabago sa kan'ya. For . . . example. A person used to cheat. He or she cannot just stop cheating without any reason. Mayroon daw palaging internal or external force na nakapagpatigil sa kan'ya sa pag-chi-cheat."

He chuckled slightly. "Then . . . what if something bad really happened with that person that's why he changed himself and became better? Is that enough for you to believe that a person will never do that again?"

Napakunot-noo ako. Right now, he really sounded drunk. Feeling ko, any time, makakatulog na siya nang dahil sa boses niya.

"In literature, that's called the redemption arc."

He chuckled. "Can a seventeen year-old guy have his redemption arc for you?"

Napanguso ako. "It depends."

Muli siyang tumawa nang mahina. Hindi na ako nagsalita pa dahil hinihintay ko na lang na makatulog siya. Baka kapag nagsalita ako, magising pa ang diwa niya.

Hanggang sa ilang minuto pa ang nagdaan, nagsalita ulit siya. 

"I really want to see you tomorrow . . . Sol."

And for the nth time, he made me feel nervous once again, making my heart skip a beat as my whole body heated.

Klein . . . ano bang ginagawa mo sa akin?  
 

乁༼☯‿☯✿༽ㄏ