Dedicated to MrsIsaac670, one of a handful of truly great Wattpadders who rise above and beyond the limitations of the platform and contribute more than just reading and leaving. I know the original uploaded version of Exquisite Poison is kind of hard to get through, so I appreciate how you not only continued to read and pushed me to keep working, but you also shared your thoughts and opinions on my piece with me.  People like this user are truly this platform's Knights of New and were what pushed me to keep working, to work harder and smarter.

I try to tell people that editing, revision, planning, outlining, and re-writing is where I most feel like a writer - in a good way.  Most people, even writers, act like I'm crazy.  Apparently the "I just pissed my pants in front of the class"-like feeling (or what I imagine virgins must feel like on their weddings nights) is supposed to be a good thing.  I must have a love of writing that's like having a truly bizarre fetish, like I want to hug a roller coaster strut while it's shaking like crazy.  So yeah, I just spent months writing a manuscript for my next novel and if my previous post wasn't clear, I've been circling the drain writing it.

I vacillate between mania and depression, but I land somewhere closer to mania usually, so two days ago was unusual for me.  I feel like ending the story was like the painkillers wore off of a horrible pain, not something I'm used to feeling when I finish a project.  I think having a community here, one that was in some cases as excited as Annie Wilkes to read my ending, really helped with ending my two versions of EP.

I feel tired of working on material I have to pull out of thin air, it is a massive relief to be back with this novel.  I think a big part of my ennui is with the feeling that this project that feels 2/3 done and it was hard to leave it all behind after a few months away from it.  I already know a lot of what I want to change/add/remove, so I know going away helped.  But, wow, I've been on this project for YEARS.  YEARS.  I need to wrap this shit up, I cannot be a one trick pony.  

The problem (and I am sure that it occurs to a lot of people who've read either version of my story) is that this is a girthy monster, to go back to that weird fetish thing I mentioned earlier.  I have a heavy scorn of series, but I can't stop myself from writing or wanting to write these emotionally deep, strange, lush things that I might not be good enough, skill-wise, to write.  But it's what I want to read, what I want to write, and it's hard to write what you don't have a passion for.  Give it a shot sometime, see how it works out for you!

But to go with this material for my first project I want to share with others was a weird choice to have made, in retrospect.  Not bad, but maybe it says more of my personality than I might like to reveal that I tend to bite off more than I can chew.  And I was trying to bite and devour the whole Paranormal Romance genre and show what that material can do in competent - or at least, enthusiastic - hands.  Whether or not I accomplished that, at least with the previous drafts, is up for you to decide (read: fuck you, it's hard to create, blow  me)

Moving on, I started by going over the note book I used to scribble all sorts of insanity down in.  It took hours to parse through everything and write down some updates.  I kind of feel like it hurt me having to read my babbling from two years ago and I refused to read my old outline.  I'd still be doing that if I had.   

I eventually decided to go over the comments left on both versions of my stories.  It is overwhelming to read through everything, even when most comments are one sentence in length and kind of either redundant, vague, or somehow just... odd.  Like how a character reminds you of someone you back handed at work.  Um, alright, thank you very much.

I am still not through Lament, it will take some hours to comb through all of the comments.  The system I have taken is to write down interesting comments or insights, and to take things that become a pattern in the comments and make a special point of those.  Although it took an investment of time to look through Exquisite Poison, which isn't the updated draft, I think it has yielded some interesting data I may still have to consider.  

Oh god, my handwriting.  My HANDWRITING.  

I wrote positive/neutral aspects in blue and things I need to fix or seriously consider in red. 

Moreover, I wanted to say that all of this would only be available for me to look at with the help of people who have left me comments.  Although it is still sometimes not fun for me to read what I can tell are mistakes I could have done better to work out, I feel relieved and happy every time I read even a quick reference to a genuine problem, especially if it's something I never realized or I needed confirmation on something that I wasn't sure of.  I've smiled happily when I seen criticism, even if it wasn't delivered with an apology or something that the person has liked in the work.

I think I will be focusing on sharing my next project first with Beta readers instead of posting it anywhere.  If I learned anything, it's that even good intentioned people will not continue with the Beta process in a place where they can read anything and everything without the need to continuously give feedback on every scene.  But I have to say that if I had to choose to do this, I would have only ever posted something on par with Lament of the Traitor King and have laid off of sharing EP.  

Happy mistakes all around, fortunate ones that have lead me to having truly intriguing conversation with writers and readers.  I think that although I would always want to share work I have cleaned up, hearing someone who creates Indie games say that it's "never too early to bug test, share, share, share", maybe my immediate instinct to not share a "bad" version of my work is just a leftover from old belief systems for writers, pre-Internet.  Vonnegut's belief that sharing your work with the world when it's not ready is like making love to every reader and to not be surprised when you end up sick as a result may hold water for a novice creator.  However, I wonder if it is the best to ignore what is in other schools of creation an adage that truly helps - share, as early as possible, with as many as possible.

I think the whole concept of the easily emotionally damaged creator does not entirely hold water - or at least, it doesn't need to continue.  I have a feeling that the stories people tell or believe in end up defining the borders of their world, either boxing them in or spreading their potential out.  I think I used to be touchier, but I got tougher the older I got.  Whether it's because I had more experience as time went on, maturity, or because I told myself to take criticism like a gift it is if I truly view myself a creator, I don't know.  What I do know is that I survived sharing my work, not all of it was glowing feedback, and I have to say that even though it never ended up in a publishing deal, getting noticed by "someone", I think it gave me what I really needed, which was the resources I needed to get better at my work.

Also, I picked "Humble" because I think it just fits my current mood well, and seeing 2-D in the music video was the reason I chose him for my new profile picture.

Also, Lament is currently on the on the tag listings, but under the same tag twice in some cases but with different numbers.  What the hell is that, anyway?  This is part of why I am always confounded by this platform, so much of it is glitchy and makes no sense.  Also, when I tried to access my story yesterday, I got a lovely surprise in the form of the site not allowing me to log in.  So I got twenty minutes where I couldn't collect comments on my own story.