The sound of barking yanks me away from my well-deserved nap and my lips twitch as I scowl. Selfish humans, why haven't people realised that it's rude to disturb others when they are sleeping? Especially me. It's exhausting having to mind everyone in this household. There's so much chaos all day long, at this point I should be paid.

With bacon. I love bacon.

My ears perk up as a large creature thumps down the stairs. There's a clatter and it sends the laundry basket tumbling towards the front door. I eye the green socks that fly through the air and twiddle my toes with disapproval.

My brother is awake.

Moments later a large ball of grey hair shoots down the stairs and collides with the shoe cabinet. Everything rattles and I swear I hear the sound of something creaking. I almost laugh, Ivan was never smart to begin with and if he keeps acting like this who knows what will happen. Then I feel the smile slip off my face, he's sweet but I really can't babysit him for the rest of my life.

I slowly get up and try to tiptoe away from the doorway. Ivan's eyesight is bad enough, so now all I need to do is hide. The last thing I want is to be covered in sticky dog spit. Actually, now that I think of it, Ivan is a really drippy dog. But there's nothing a little training can't fix. I inch my way across the floor. Slowly gunning for that crack behind the television. The floorboards creak, I wince and the sound of a jingling collar comes barrelling towards me.

Perhaps I should get a pair of headphones, humans use them to deter each other don't they?

The TV offers a narrow gap and I contemplate wedging myself in there. Ha, that would show the humans just how flexible I am. My ears flick as Ivan's feet shuffle across the worn wooden floor and I feel his hot breath spread across my neck.

I slap him with my foot.

Silly boy. Learn your manners.

A huge lopsided grin spreads across his face and Ivan wags his tail. It twirls in the air like a marshmallow on a sugar high and he does a little play bow before bouncing out of the room, but not before tripping over his paw and sliding into a chair. I groan and nudge him with my foot. It's amazing how he hasn't seriously injured himself yet.

One look at the clock tells me it's 8:00. I wag my tail. Dad's up and it's time to play. Or more precisely, it's time for me to see how much food I can nab without Mum finding out. Ivan skirts out the door, dashes around the corner and bounces down into the kitchen. I'm a lady, so I sit and wait patiently.

Dad crashes around for another while. I hear Mum murmuring something from behind the bedroom door. The coffee machine whirrs, mugs click against the bedside table. There's a thump. My ears perk up. Sounds like Dad tripped over my water bowl again. I've never understood the point of placing it so close to the doorway.

Down in the kitchen, plastic scrapes across the tiles. I roll my eyes. When will Ivan learn that treats aren't a substitute for a good breakfast? Besides, he's never been able to open the treat container all on his own.

I jump up when I catch sight of Dad racing down the stairs. He mumbles a quick hello, pausing to give me a scratch behind the ears, before motioning for me to follow him into the kitchen. I race into the room, threading myself between his legs. I know it will trip him up but humans can be so funny with their little facial expressions.

With no tails and motionless ears, they really have nothing but their faces. Sometimes I pity them.

By the time I pick my way down into the kitchen, Dad's already busy making toast. I skidded to a stop before the fridge. Ivan, with his tongue lolling like a calf's, strains to peer over the countertop. Dad's face breaks out into a tired grin and he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. Silly human, I told you to go to sleep earlier last night.

Emma once told me that sleep deprivation increases your chance of a heart attack. I'm still not too sure why she had decided to regale me with a lecture that had nothing to do with my behaviour. If anything, she should tell dad about it. Mum says it's because he's always working hard. I think he needs to take a nap.

Dad pulls the fridge door open and Ivan dashes to get in front of me. He must have misjudged the distance because his hairy face ended up in the fruit drawer. Ivan snorts, jumps backwards and prances to get behind the countertop once again. Or at least, he tries to. Because along the way he somehow manages to step into my bowl, flipping it and send it bouncing along the floor.

It clangs all the way.

Then the toaster goes off and Ivan jumps. I have to say, if there was a competition for doggy high jump, Ivan might actually win. Dad sets the cheese down onto the countertop and goes over to give Ivan a comforting pat on the head. I scowl.

The toaster didn't attack him. What about me? I want cheese.

I approach the table, sniff the air and then jump onto the back legs to get a better view of what is going on. It looks delicious. And for all this drama, I better get a big chunk of it. I glance down. Wait a moment, if I get a little closer and then jump up again, I might be able to nick the whole thing off the table. Then I'd get a block of cheese all to myself!

I wag my tail, crouch down and take a deep breath.

"Hey!"

Dad's voice pulls me from my thoughts and I grumble. I like you, really I do! but I was in the middle of something.

"I know what you're thinking. Don't do it."

"Do what?" I put on my best smile and sit upright. Ivan does a twirl.

"Be patient Mishka. You will get your cheese." Dad places our bowls into the sink. They clatter as he sprinkles in small bits of toast into them. Ivan gets his dog food as well. I lick my lips in anticipation. We're getting toast and cheese? That's even better. Now I get to eat exactly like Dad.

I resist the urge to bark. Why is he taking so long? Then after a few moments, he leans down and puts in a few chunks of cheese. He grins and looks me in the eye and motions with his hands for me to sit.

Ivan does another twirl out of sheer excitement. I groan. What now?

"Mishka, give me a whoosh."

A whoosh? Wouldn't that completely wake up Mum?

Wait. It would completely wake Mum up. I grin and take a deep breath. I'm in the mood for a nice loud bark. And what a bark it was! Towards the end, I even let it trail into a howl. Ivan tries to give it a shot. He comes up with a grunt. Oh well, third place ribbon for him.

"Liam."

We turn. I guess having gotten caught up in all the excitement, we hadn't heard Mum opening the kitchen door. She pretends to frown and then shakes her head with a small laugh. "Remember not to give them too much of that." She points at the cheese. "You know Ivan gets gas."

"I wasn't going to give them too much!" Dad chuckles and places the bowls onto the ground. Ivan scarfs it down in three seconds flat. I decided to take my time. The cheese is delicious. It's creamy and easily dissolves in my mouth. I wag my tail. Ivan belches and meanders out into the dining room. I hear a fwump as he slides down the wall with a sigh.

I turn my attention back towards the bowl and Mum leans down and places a tiny handful of cornflakes into it.

"I thought we had agreed to cut down on giving them human food?" Dad's voice drifts out from behind the kitchen door. He's getting ready to leave for work.

"Yes. But Mishka likes cornflakes."

I watch Mum shrug. I've decided that she's on my favourites list for now. The kitchen door shuts with a bang, Mum winces and I glance up. Did he forget my goodbye pat?

If he did. I will pee in his shoe.

I slink towards the door with a huff. The cornflakes can wait. Luckily for him, he remembers and the door flies open. Mum calls out a reminder about not slamming the door. But I know that Dad is really here to give me my goodbye pat. I know he'd never forget about me.

Dad pats both Ivan and I.

Disappointing. I should be the centre of attention. But Dad does hit the right spot behind my ears. So today will not be a pee day.

Then he leaves.

The front door slams and the distant sound of a car speeding down the road tickles the back of my head. He better bring me bacon when he comes back home. But Dad always knows what I want, so I can trust him to fulfil that mission.

"You didn't finish your cornflakes." Mum pops her head around the corner with a smile. She plonks my bowl in front of me. Ivan shifts to get a look but I give him a short growl. It's my food. Leave me alone.

Something rustles under the sink. Mum is searching for something. Perhaps it's more food for me? Then I hear the rattle of turtle food and I stiffen.

Ugh, turtles.

Out of all the pets they could have picked to add to the family, they chose a turtle? I know that I have had him for years but still, I believe that thing is a monster. I don't understand why they aren't concerned about his growth. First he starts off the size of a thumb, now he's as big as a small dinner plate.

Worst of all. That turtle eats meat.

I've seen it. I'd even watched his banishment from the fish tank. Now he lives in the yard but sometimes when it gets cold or lonely, Mum brings him inside. Today is an inside day and I don't like it.

I give my bowl a good hard whack. The first time I met him, he just hissed and went for my nose.

I would honestly prefer a cat.

Mum sprinkles turtle food into his hut. I glare at her but Mum just reaches over to pat my back. That confuses me. Emma once told me that humans pat each other's back to give reassurance. I don't need any reassurance. I know how to handle the turtle.

"I'm going back upstairs to work alright? Have fun, take care of Ivan and don't break anything." I turn and see Mum walking back out of the kitchen with a bowl of cereal.

Take care of Ivan? I cock my head and laugh. Ivan is more chia pet than a dog. Then again, he also has the intelligence of a pebble. I nudge his foot out of the way and settle in behind him with a sigh. I like having my back up against this armchair. It hits just the right spots on my spine. I eye the turtle hut with disdain. Even from across the room, I can feel its beady eyes squaring me up.

I know Mum will spend her day typing away on her computer. Sometimes I catch snippets of a phone conversation. They all sound so dull, I don't know how she does it all the time. But I try to make things interesting. I sometimes play a game which I call Mystery Knock.

It's where I tap my snout on the study door at random times of the day with different requests. Sometimes I just want to come in (although, I quickly leave afterwards). Other times I rearrange the furniture and want Mum to take a look. Mum never knows what she's going to get. And given the look on her face, I know she likes the game as well. Ivan never participates.

With no one bothering me until 7:00, I am free to entertain myself as I please. Today is neighbour day. There's a perfect little window at the top of the stairs. During the warmest hours of the day, it's shaded from the sun and the corner is comfy. From there I can watch the neighbours going on with their daily lives.

Today I'm on time. Our next-door neighbour is yelling at her daughter while rummaging through her garbage. I don't understand why she's throwing it all over the place. It is a little strange but at this point, the whole neighbourhood always looks forward to her daily tantrums. The lady is always fighting with people. No matter who they are.

I think it's entertaining. So does Emma.

Fiadh hates it, she says it's a nuisance and that it's wrong to be nosey.

I don't care, I think it's funny.

Today's argument goes on for another fifteen minutes. I can see other people peeking out from behind their curtains. Some even open their windows. I think that's a bit too much. Then she notices someone watching and flips them off before storming back inside.

Sighing I wander back into the living room and curl up on my bed. The whole house is silent, save for the turtle's skittering down in the kitchen.

It's time for another nap

I doze off with the fan slowly whirring above my bed. It gently tossing my fur around. I think about what's for dinner. Last night I heard Emma asking about a roast chicken. And it's been a while since I've had chicken.

My stomach rumbles and my eyes fly open. I'm hungry again. But that's alright. I've prepared for this. Slowly I get off the ground and stick my paws underneath the couch, desperately reaching for the dog treat that I hid yesterday.

Unfortunately, I cannot reach it.

I growl softly, cursing myself for pushing it so far back.

I decided to push the couch forward. Maybe I'll ask Mum to put it back into place for me later on tonight. Or even better, I'll ask dad to get me a snack bin. That way I'll never have to worry about running out of treats.

I stick my snout in the small gap behind it and push. The couch shifts forwards with a squeak. I pause, sometimes Mum hears me and comes running. But today is not the day. So I push a few more times until the gap is big enough for me to squeeze through.

There I see it! The dog treat.

I pull it out and begin munching. I think it tastes great!

I settle down by the doorway chewing slowly. This has to last me until 7:00. Then I can eat whatever I want. But soon I begin to feel drowsy and I begin to doze off once again.