I counted down the days of returning to Kuala Lumpur with much anticipation. My decision to leave before graduation was abrupt but suffice for Tok Ba to not have to come here and see my state. Having the flight booked by the end of November gives just enough time for shopping and packing with some buffer dates planned ahead.

I planned for shopping at Asda and Arndale on the same day but wasn't sure if my body could handle such a trip since I have been experiencing unbearable back pain and gassiness which started to annoy and embarrass me all the time.

This autumn sickness has caught most people including me, especially when there's fever cold involved. However, this time I experienced different forms of sickness. I belched on most occasions and other anomalies would include an increased body temperature, nausea, period-like constipation, fatigue and constant urge of going to the toilet. I guessed my body was tired of missing Nick, it discharged all forms of uncommon illness including my absolute delayed periods.

I passed through Furqan mosque via Crofton Street on my way back from visiting the local supermarket. It was past noon when I witnessed a large group of Muslim brothers and sisters dispersed from the building after performing Zuhr prayer. And that's when I saw that familiar tall figure walking out from the building along with the masses. Nick Pholadi.

I watched Nick from across the road as he moved away from the crowd to light his cigarette. He looked beautiful as always but a little bit different from how I remembered. He had neat stubble growing along his jawline and his growing hair looked deliberately unkempt. He wore a kameez tunic under his long coat and slipped on his Prada loafers, contrasting from his usual elegant self. I wished I could walk towards him and fix his hair like I always did but it hurts me inside that I was no longer able to do so.

After lighting his cigarette, he lifted his chin to face me like he already knew I was there watching him. He leaned against the phone box behind him, puffing out clouds of smoke in between us that obstructed my view of him. As the smoke slowly dissolved, he casted a tired glance before slowly inhaling another set of smoke through the cigarette. He looked composed with no expression on his face, like he expected for me but wasn't looking forward to seeing me.

We stood a few metres apart from each other as our gaze fixed, no words emit from both of our lips as there was no need for it. I just want to see his face just to make sure he was okay. I wouldn't know when we can meet like this again. He however looked at me with sorrow in his eyes and I wish to telepathically reach out to him and tell him how I still love and miss him.

But as he quickly finished his fag, he turned his head away from me towards the entrance of the building, as though expecting someone to come out from it. To my astonishment, a girl covered in hijab appeared behind him. He greeted her casually and his sorrow was instantly replaced with a generous grin like he was lifted up by the sight of that girl. She gestured and led him to the other side of the building as he quickly followed next to her, leaving the spot without even turning to look back at me.

I walked away towards the opposite direction, feeling my jaw tightened and my heart burned with jealousy. How was I quickly replaced? I thought he cared and missed me too. Well I was wrong. All men are the same, I guess. If one screwed up, they'll just have another as a spare. I get the feeling that I was not needed anymore. I don't even know if my existence is essential for anyone anymore.

As my pace grew quicker by a mile, I felt a lump on my throat and my breath was unable to catch up. Light headedness suddenly caught me by surprise, choking me as I respired. I staggered slowly out of breath, stopping to grab for air. But the cold air was biting that I coughed and gasped hard, feeling a stinging sensation in my throat and somewhere around my diaphragm area that it hurts so bad. I bent down before slowly knelt onto the ground and began to weep.

The agony of seeing Nick walking with another girl was excruciating for me to hold. I sucked the air and tried to calm myself but it was no use. My weeping turned sobbing before I let out all my emotions to a cry. I cried harder, covering my wet face with both my hands. Then I went on to the ground, tucking my both knees and shoved my head in between them, letting the minutes pass slowly, trying to erase Nick from my mind so that I don't have to feel hurt.