We arrived in Blackpool approximately 10 minutes later, approaching Cleethorpes where the sight of the promising beach was vaguely seen. The surrounding North Promenade looked mysteriously sombre with street lights illuminating the quiet road in bright orange colour.

Nick parked his car at car park space facing the beach before turning the engine off. He took the emptied Redbull cans and got out of the car, closing the door shut. He went around to the boot of the car to take out a purple thermal blanket before moving towards the passenger side and gave it to me. He chucked one of the cans to the trash while holding the other to the bench by the footpath, taking out his cigarette to smoke.

I reached for the car's remote key by the ignition and got out of the car. The cold onshore draft blew mildly on my face, brushing off my hair to the sides tickling my ear. I ambled towards him as he shifted his eyes from his iPhone to face me.

"Stay in the car, it's brass monkey freezing out here," he told me but I ignored him. I sat on the bench next to him and placed the key onto his palm.

I gazed up at the rippling ocean rolling into the dark abyss where the sound of waves lapping gently to a tempo. The absence of the moon dulls the dark sky leaving traces of speckled starlight to shine on their own. I fastened the blanket around me while Nick flickered the ash into the hole of the empty can. We quietly stared at the horizon for 20 minutes straight enjoying the susurrus of ocean murmuring.

"Do you come here often?" I turned to him.

"Most of the time, right after we're done hitting our targets," Nick confessed casually which I understood immediately. "It helps to clear my mind and reflect on the things that I've done."

"Do some of them deserve to die?" I braved a question.

"Some of them don't but those were not our call," he replied and gestured at the dark horizon in front of us. "When I see those rippling oceans out there, images of my tortured prey would wash away with it."

"Have you ever failed in any of your attempts?"

"Why are you interested to know anyway? What's in it for you?"

"I'm just intrigued by how you guys operate? How much immunity and power bestowed upon you and to what extent?" I gave my scripted answer concealing the core to my intention.

"You're not stupid enough to think greener grass on the other side, are you?" Nick exhaling the smoke out.

"At least I could walk around the streets feeling safe knowing I got back up," I argued.

"You think you can become one of us just because you have a record of overstaying and initiated a brawl inside a campus?"

"Should I prove myself then?" I raised my voice, feeling ridiculed.

"What else to prove when you're afraid of blood and flinch to the sound of a gunshot?" he countered.

"Samuel L. Jackson in Kingsman has hemophobia too."

"This is no Kingsman film. This isn't GTA or Mafia games either, Zahida," he cautioned. "When you're in it, you're in it forever, hate it or love it. You and your loved ones will wake up to death threats every day, counting to possibilities of getting yourself killed. Some of us never asked to be in, we just have no other options. I don't want you to be in this shithole just because you need security. You're so much better than this, Zahida. If the protection you seek, then protection I will give you."

"But I was just –"

"Promise me you should never speak of this anymore," he said firmly.

I didn't answer. The anxiety in the tone of his voice whenever he mentioned my name implied that he actually cared for me as a person. Nick's sudden benign but firm manner made me realise that I was in a safe place, something that Abs had failed to provide. Nick valued me as a person, something that Abs had failed to see. Yet it was entirely conceivable that he opted to join the brute gang he didn't want me to be a part of, knowing the consequences would be lethal.

I was unable to see thug life the way Nick pictured it. All I saw was the ability to own his invincibility and to instil fear in Abs' eyes. Is it worth it? Once the party's over, once Abs becomes intimidated by me, once I pull a trigger to his head, what's next? Terrorising people? No. After I'm done with Abs, I want out. And by that time, everything will be too late. I quickly re-evaluated my choices, weighing the cost of my time and the cost of my life.

"Sorry, I was the one who started it," he said, rubbing off the flaming end of the cigarette butt on the bench surface before dropping it into the can. He propped himself up with his palms and lit another cigarette before taking the can into the trash. "Cane's right though; I shouldn't have dragged you along. Come, let's go home."

"Nope. I'm sorry I brought that matter up," I said softly. "Did I just ruin your therapy session?"

"Nope, it's okay. It's getting late, I need to send you home," he consoled like a forgiving father. I moved towards him and we walked side by side towards the car.

"We can come here again some other day, when the sun is up?" I nudged him playfully to which he gave a little nod. "We could walk around the beach, have a couple of soda-slash-beer like good friends."

"Nope, I am still your boss."