Chapter 17

Timmy was still clinging to Jason when we made it home. I began to think that being with him 24/7 couldn't really be that healthy if this was the reaction he was having after only being left for just a few hours.

"We're going to have a hard time putting him to bed tonight."

Jason nodded over Timmy's curls. "I'm gonna watch TV with him till he falls asleep."

"No seep!" Timmy replied adamantly.

Jason and I shared a knowing look. I thought of how it would be when we would have to leave him at school or at my mom's when we began to work away from home and I could already imagine his reaction.

It wouldn't be pretty.

Jason turned in the direction of the family room and I turned the opposite way, intent on heading into the kitchen, when Timmy's face crumbled and the tears came without a beat.

"Micha no leave!" he bawled. His face was already turning a sad shade of red as he sobbed, one hand outstretched toward me.

I sighed. "I'm not going anywhere Timmy." I told him calmly, but the tears only came harder.

Jason looked at me. "I knew we shouldn't a left him."

I moved to stand before them and lifted Timmy into my arms, but while he came willingly, he still kept one hand firmly grasping Jason's shirt as his crying tapered off and he laid his head against my shoulder.

I looked helplessly at Jason, who only shrugged, so I turned to enter the family room when Timmy glanced up "Woom." He ordered and so with Timmy clutching at us both, we made our way awkwardly up the stairs and of course when we made to turn left, he wanted to go right which was how we ended up in my room.

"Are you tired?" I asked him even though we all knew he was.

He shook his head. "No seep."

"Then what do you want to do?"

Beside me, Jason rolled his eyes and Timmy pointed to the bed, so following his instructions, I walked over and deposited him onto the sheets—or at least tried to with him clinging to my neck like a little monkey.

I reached up and pried his little hands off, but he held on to my fingers anyway. I sighed. This was going to be a battle from here on out.

"Timmy if you don't let go you won't see what I got for you." I told him and he glanced at Jason who was now sitting in bed beside him, then he glanced back at me with a frown.

"Don't you want to see something cool?"

Once again he looked at Jason and it was only when his father nodded, that he let me go reluctantly.

The kid didn't trust me. What else was new? So I slid off the bed and with both their eyes on me, I dug around inside the side table until I found what I was looking for; the glow in the dark stickers I'd gotten for him yesterday, right after my meeting.

The plan was to stick them onto his ceiling in his room, but what the heck.

I held the package up for him to see but he wasn't impressed, so to illustrate the awesomeness that they were, I hopped onto the bed, tore the packet open and began sticking the things at random onto the ceiling. Jason and Timmy watched me silently and when I'd stuck the last one up there, neither looked particularly enthralled.

"It's cool. You'll see." I told them before I hopped off the bed, crossed the room and turned out the light.

"Micha no—"Timmy was the first to start complaining.

"Look up" I said after I climbed into bed beside him, and so they did and immediately Timmy lowered himself onto his back and stuck his index and forefingers into his mouth.

He was captivated and so too it seemed, was Jason, who watched the ceiling in equal silence.

"What are they?" I asked and Timmy pointed.

"Staws."

"Yeah. Do you like them?"

"Timmy have one?"

I stood again and pulled one off the ceiling and when I handed it to him, he flipped it over and over in his hand, taking in every detail in his inspection.

It was rubbery and it glowed and he was fascinated. We watched as Timmy turned on his side, fake star still in hand as he continued to watch it in silence. When I glanced up at Jason he was watching me, but rather than blushing and looking away as he tended to do, he frowned and shook his head.

I didn't need to ask if he was still upset about earlier, even if I had no idea why he needed to be.

"You mind if I stay here tonight? He asked almost grudgingly and I shrugged before stretching out beside Timmy.

"Why would I mind?"

No response and as the silence descended, no more words were uttered between us.

Timmy fell asleep before I'd even realized it and soon Jason too was buried so deep under the covers, I couldn't tell if he was dead or alive.

I stayed awake for most of the night, my thoughts were involuntarily drawn to the events of the day. Of how I'd let those kids slip through my fingers, but mostly, about how Jason had stupidly put himself at risk and , of how my dad had shut me out of a case he knew was mine.

It had been a long time since I'd felt so helpless. I looked over at the sleeping father and son whose lives I held in my hands; the only two people in the world who depended on me to keep them safe and to keep them happy.

 Then I thought of my father; who held my life in his hands. He decided if I continued in a job that meant the world to me. He decided if I pursued a matter that was rightly mine to pursue and I knew without an ounce of doubt, that when I barged into that office tomorrow morning, I'd be leaving disappointed because there was just no way he would agree to put me on that case.

And it was because I was his son.

I looked up at the glowing stars above me, then at the star trapped in Timmy's little fist. He'd smothered it until it had lost its light. It was a reminder of how much I now had to lose and how quickly it could all disappear.

Much later I pushed up from bed and padded into the bathroom. I left the light off as I splashed my face by the sink and glanced up at the mirror even though I knew there was nothing to see.

Just a few hours earlier Jason had run out to meet me behind some half-dead shrubs in the woods where just a few steps away stood a dead body and men wielding guns. One sound, one rustle and there was every possibility that he would have been yet another body waiting to be tagged and deposited into a cooler.

I felt the cold sweat wash over me and not even a deep breath could calm my pounding heart. I gripped the sides of the sink as I took deep breath after deep breath. I thought about little Timmy without a father and me without a...

The light flickered on.

"Are you okay?"

I glanced up at the sound of his voice and felt my anger grow. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I hissed and he stepped back in surprise.

"Do you have any idea what could have happened out there today? You don't do stupid shit in a situation like that. If I tell you to sit in the goddamn car. You sit. You don't ask questions and you don't come running!"

By now the surprise had transformed into anger and he glared at me as his hands fisted at his sides.

"Maybe if you didn't think you were superman I wouldn't a had to come rescue you."

I could have laughed if the feeling was in me. "Rescue me?" I asked in disbelief "Are you even taking this seriously?"

"You were gonna take them on. If I didn't pull you back you would a been dead right now."

I shook my head and took another deep breath to calm my rage. "I've trained for situations like this. You're just a kid."

He folded his arms before him "Oh yeah? I'm just a kid?"

"Yes. You are and you can't—"

"Funny. You didn't think I was a kid when you were fucking me."

I glanced quickly to the door and back. "Keep your damn voice down."

"You're a hypocrite."

I ran a hand over my face and took a breath.

His frown deepened and when I only stood watching him in silence, the frown melted off his face, as did his anger. He dropped his hands and looked at me in defeat.

"You're such an idiot." He said quietly, then he turned and walked away.

When I reentered the room some minutes later only Timmy lay on the bed. I sighed.

The day had already started off on a bad note and the sun hadn't even risen yet.

..................................................

"Dad, you don't understand."

"No. I understand you feel the need to put yourself at risk every chance you get, but you're the one who took on the responsibility that comes with having two people depending on you, so it's time you live up to it."

"Doing this won't affect my ability to take care of them."

"No it won't, but failing to wait for backup in a situation that calls for it will."

I sighed, before running a hand over my face. "I heard a woman screaming and shots were fired. Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing if put in that situation."

"We're not talking about me. We're talking about your inability to follow simple protocol."

"Don't give me that bullshit. What I did is no—"

"Watch your language."

"How about we just cut the crap right now."

His eyes narrowed and he adjusted himself on his chair. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You and I both know that if it were any other agent you'd have given him the stamp of approval the moment he walked into this office."

"You think I'm saying no because you're my son."

"I know that's the reason. It's like the Warden OP all over again."

He leaned forward and pointed an accusing finger at me. "I signed off on that OP. The two years you spent undercover in that damn prison is evidence enough."

I shook my head. "No dad, you only signed off on it after the team practically begged you to. As long as I'm involved you hesitate every step of the way."

He leaned back in his seat as he shuffled the papers on his desk. "Well you can rest assured that my decision today has nothing to do with our relationship."

"Bullshit."

"No Michael. What's bullshit is the fact that I'm not suspending you right now for barging into my office with that bad attitude. I make the decisions here and agents follow. You don't get to come in here and question them.

"Dad—"

"Michael, the only reason you're not being escorted out of here right now is because you're my son. Now get out and I don't want to see you back here until your leave is officially over."

For a moment we only glared at each other; the tension as thick as the silence, until I finally gritted my teeth and stood.

"Here." Dad said and I turned to see him holding out a lime green gift bag. "Give this to the kid. I promised him I'd get him his own tools." He said grudgingly and I took it and crossed the room. It took everything in me not to slam the door behind me like I used to do when I was a teenager living under his roof.

As I passed through the offices heading to the exit, most agents avoided my eyes; evidence enough that they'd heard enough of the conversation to form an opinion.

I dropped the bag filled with all sorts of colorful plastic tools onto the passenger seat and reveled in the satisfaction of being able to slam at least one door behind me.

It was a shitty start to a shitty day and I was in a shitty mood. I saved myself from the inevitable consequence of wondering what else could go wrong and instead started the engine and backed out of the space.

I decided I'd do what I always did whenever dad and I didn't see eye to eye; I'd visit my mother.

........................................................

~Jason~

Timmy was upset. He'd cried so much today, I'd wondered if a kid could lose so much water and still be able to stand upright. I told Michael Timmy would be miserable if he woke up and he wasn't there, but Michael was stubborn. He just had to think he was always right.

It took me over half an hour to get him into some clothes and out the door and it wasn't 'till we got to the park down the street that he stopped.

"Don't you wanna go play with the kids?"

"No."

We were sitting under a big tree in the middle of the park and there were kids just about his age running all over the place. He wouldn't even go on the slides or the monkey bars or anything. He just crawled up in my lap, stuck his fingers into his mouth and that was that.

He was miserable; probably thought Michael wasn't coming back. This was why I didn't like leaving him alone for too long. He got to thinking all kinds a nonsense.

"Do you want ice-cream? I could go buy one for you."

"No."

I sighed. At least he'd stopped with the tears. I just wished he would get it in his head that I was never gonna leave him. Not me. Not ever.

When he was older he would understand that he was too important to me. He'd understand that I would always be there no matter what happened and that I would never treat him like he didn't matter. I'd make sure he always had shoes to wear and food to eat and ice-cream and candy as often as I could give it to him. Then I'd make sure he got to go to school. Not like the way I went; which was maybe two times a month, three if I was lucky till I was fourteen and dropped out for good.

He'd go everyday he was supposed to; all five days of the week until he was old enough to leave; that way he'd learn everything I didn't get the chance to. A proper education.

Then when he was old enough, I'd sent him to college if he wanted to go and he could be some bigshot doctor of whatever he wanted to be and he'd be happy.

I leaned over to look at him and he looked up at me. His eyes were still all wet and his nose was runny and his face was red. He wasn't happy now.

He missed Michael and maybe I missed him too. I put a hand to my chest and took a deep breath. All day I kept feeling this twinge in my ribs; like my heart was hurting. I knew it was because I was scared for him. He thought he was this big, bad bulletproof man, but he wasn't and now I didn't even know if he was out there getting shot at or doing the shooting.

I didn't know anything.

I looked down at the screen of the phone he gave me this morning: to call him on, he said, but I didn't want to call him.

No, that was a lie. I wanted to call him. I wanted to call him so bad that I had to force myself not to, because I couldn't. What if he was out there in the middle of some craziness and I called his phone and he got hurt because he was distracted? Then I wouldn't forgive myself.

Timmy pointed to the phone and lifted his head to look at me. "Caw Micha now daddy?"

"Soon." I told him, but I could tell he didn't believe me 'cause he just looked away and shoved his fingers back into his mouth and that's when the tears started coming again; just trickling down his face all silent-like and I felt guilty and shitty and awful.

"Michael's coming back Timmy. I swear."

"Micha no come."

"He is, I told you. You'll see."

"Micha no come." He argued with me and I sighed.

Michael better come. He was the one who told me the case was gonna be easy enough to solve. He was the one who said that once they identified the body, they just needed to figure out who the dead guy's friends were and who he hung out with and then maybe it would be one of those other people who were there in the woods yesterday. He was the one who said he probably wouldn't even see any real action; that they would just be investigating and that he'd be back tonight. He'd told me all that this morning and he couldn't go letting Timmy down tonight.

"Do you want to go play with Kyle's puppies?"

"Puppies?"

"Yeah...you remember you played with them on the boat?"

He nodded.

"You wanna go play with them again?"

He nodded, so I pulled out the phone and typed in the number I'd memorized for Kyle and while it rang, I hoped and hoped that he would answer and that he'd be free and we could hang out so Timmy could play with the dogs.

"Hello?"

"Hi...Kyle?"

"Yeah this is Kyle. You sound familiar, who's this?"

"It's Jason. I'm Michael's...friend...remember we came on your boat and-"

"Jason of course, I remember you! You have that crush on Michael! What's up?"

I felt my whole face go red. "I'm not... I don't-"

He laughed. "Don't worry, I'll take it with me to the grave." He said, then "Hey do you wanna hang out sometime? When are you free? Johnny taught me how to bake brownies last week and I need a taster."

"Ahmm...I'm free today—Now actually...if you have the time. I have Timmy with me."

"Really? Perfect. You know I told Johnny last night that I had a feeling today was gonna be good. Come over and take fat cheeks with you."

I frowned "Fat cheeks?"

"Yeah your baby. He can play with the puppies."

When he told me his address and after he hung up, I picked Timmy up and took him with me across the field and down the road to the bus stop.

..................................................................

~Michael~

"He's being unreasonable."

"No Michael, you're being unreasonable. Your father knows best."

I gave her a look that must have told her what I thought of that particular statement and she smiled.

"Well he knows best this time."

I shook my head before taking a bite of the cookie she'd baked with Timmy the day before. It was ill-shaped and had more chocolate chunks than actual cookie dough, but they were surprisingly pretty good.

"He's biased."

"He's protective of you, you know that. Give him a break."

"Mom—"

"Don't mom me sweetheart. Do you know how hard it was for him to let you go on that mission last time. Two years you were gone from us and half the time we were going out of our minds thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong."

"Well I'm here now and I'm whole. I can't be an agent if I'm not able to do my job."

"You're on leave, you don't need to do any job right now."

"I'm fine and he knows it. He's just using it as an excuse to keep me away from anything to do with the job I'm trained for."

"Because he doesn't want you to get hurt Michael. You're his son"

"And that's the problem isn't it?"

She had nothing to say after that and I had nothing to offer, so I took a bite out of my Timmy-baked cookie and used the silence to think.

.................................................................

~Jason~

Kyle hugged me after he invited us into his house, then he hugged Timmy too and stood for a little while just staring down at him with a frown. "Why were you crying?"

Timmy looked up at him with his red, splotchy face and runny nose, but he didn't say anything.

"You know what? I have something to cheer you up." He said and we followed him through his huge room and into an even bigger kitchen

It smelled really good in there—like chocolate and frosting and warm cake.

"Here." Kyle picked up a brownie from a plate full of the stuff and gave it to Timmy.

I watched him as he flipped it over and over, wiped his nose in his sleeve, then took a big bite. I think Kyle was really excited about it because he had this huge grin on his face as he watched my babe chew, but then Timmy frowned and his chewing got slower and slower till he swallowed and held it out for me to take.

"No." he told me, so I took it and took a bite and I could understand why Timmy didn't want the rest.

"Johnny loves it. He says my brownies are the best." He said looking extra proud and I figured Johnny was only trying not to hurt his feelings, so I ate it all so I wouldn't hurt it either.

"Puppies?" Timmy was asking him because we could hear them barking in the other room. Kyle pointed out the way for Timmy and when I nodded to give him permission he ran in that direction and disappeared around the corner.

Less than a minute later the barking got louder and we could hear Timmy laughing and suddenly I felt much better.

"Alright. Tell me everything."

I looked at Kyle with a frown. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I want to hear it all; the good, the bad and the ugly...and don't bother telling me there's nothing to tell because Michael and Johnny talk and I know." He wagged his finger in my face, then grabbed my arm and pulled me over to a stool.

"What do you mean they talk?"

He pulled out a stool beside me and when he looked up he grinned.

"You have no idea."

                                                                 AUTHOR'S NOTES

ENJOY!

-DoUbLe.A

-unedited.