July.

I hate July.

Or rather, I hate my birthday.

As I've said every year.

I opened my eyes and looked at the blurry clock on my nightstand. It was going on nine in the morning. Instead of sunshine hitting our bedroom window, it was rain. 

Which made no difference to me. 

I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep but when I tried I saw Angus McKinnon standing beside the bed with the biggest smile on his beautiful face. I groaned and covered myself with the pillow. 

"Happy birthday," he said and I groaned again. "Aw, don't be like that, today's a good day. We're both thirty years old now, ya' know."

Thanks for the reminder, Ang. 

He gently removed the pillow so I wouldn't smother myself. I stared at him. Once my vision focused I was surprised to see him all dressed up. A nice button up shirt tucked into his jeans and he was even wearing a tie. 

Okay, so he looked rather cute. I'd hear what he had to say. 

"I've got a surprise for ya'," he said with a cheeky little grin. "Wanna see?"

"Do I?" I asked and he laughed. 

"Hang on, I've gotta..." He reached under the bed and pulled out a small record player I'd never seen before. "...set things up..." He hooked it up to the wall and I could see there was already a record inside. "Jus' bought this," he said. "Found it the other day an'...got a little idea."

I watched as he waited for the music to play. And I actually burst out laughing as some burlesque rendition of a classic song started playing. Tears came to my eyes when Angus straightened out from crouching on the floor and started undoing his tie. 

"What's so funny?" he asked with a big fat grin on his face. He danced a little bit and slid his tie off his shoulder and dropped it on my head. "Somethin' ticklin' ya', sweetheart?"

I couldn't even answer him. As shitty as I felt Angus still managed to perk me up for a few minutes. I took the tie off my head and tossed it to the foot of the bed. Angus got to work on the buttons on his shirt and I realised why he was all dressed up in the first place. One by one the buttons came loose. Pulling the hem out from his jeans he slipped it off his shoulders and started waving it like a flag. 

"Get a good look, love," he said turning in a circle. The music was getting saucy and I was an absolute beetroot. "Thirty years old an' still kickin'."

Angus was a rather attractive man. I'd never really considered the human body to be appealing nor was I ever interested in getting close to one. Until I met the most wonderful man in the world who was right now hanging his shirt over my head. It fell off behind me and I clapped, laughing again. 

His hands moved down to his belt and he started to pull it loose. For a second he stopped dancing and watched what he was doing. "There, got it," he said slowly slipping his jeans off. He stepped out of them and I hid my face again. "What's all this hidin' for, then? Shy?" He carefully took my hands in his and brought them away from my face, kissing my knuckles. The song wasn't finished yet but Angus appeared to be. After giving a quick tease by pulling down the waistband of his minuscule pants and one last...dare I say, ballerina twirl, he tackled me in a hug and climbed into bed next to me. He covered my face with kisses. "Happy birthday, love," he said laughing. 

I squirmed around as his lips tickled my skin. After he let up I relaxed against him, nuzzling my face in his neck. "Thanks for that," I mumbled.

"Cheer you up any?"

"A little bit," I said. In truth, it did lift my spirits if only for a short while. Who couldn't help but laugh whenever Angus performed his routine? He reached around and stuck his hand under the pillow, pulling out a large flat square.

"This is...your surprise, actually," he said clearing his throat. "I mean...the real one." I took the square from him and started unwrapping it. "Since it's no surprise that I take my clothes off, ya' know."

Underneath the wrapping was an eyeball. I almost dropped it in shock. 

What's wrong?" Angus asked. I pointed at the large blue eye staring back at us, "Oh, that. Keep goin', you'll see." I did as he said and revealed an album made to look like some kind of fence. Or...was it a wood panelled wall? After all, the album was called Fly On The Wall. 

"I thought this wasn't out for another couple weeks," I said.

"Not out to the public, no," Angus said. He tapped the cover. "But I got ya' a special edition." On the bottom right corner was a large blue fly with gleaming red eyes. I set the record down and hugged Angus.

"Thank you," I said. He held me against his very warm chest. He kissed my hair.

"Course, love. An' it's not costin' me a dime." I nestled into his embrace, loving every minute. No matter how bad things got in my head, Angus was always there to bring me back to Earth. He was my fantasy and he was my reality. 

We lay there awhile as the record spun soundlessly. It was a good idea of Angus to buy that thing. Now we could bring records with us to places or at least different rooms of the house. It'd be nice to play an Ella Fitzgerald album in the living room one night and he and I could dance to it...

I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was very handsome. A beautiful face with long, soft hair and eyelashes that he'd bat to make me laugh. "I can see you lookin'," he said.

"No you can't," I said hiding my face from his view.

He put a hand under my chin and gently brought my face up to his. "I can," he said sticking his tongue out. "An' I'm flattered." He kissed me once and I kissed him once. My eyes went down to his lips then back to his eyes. My arms found their way around his neck and I kissed him again, not eager to pull away anytime soon. 

He pressed me flush against him and I could feel his breath hitch. I reached down to tug on his his shirt but instead of fabric my hand brushed against his skin as his shirt lay already abandoned on the bed. My fingers stroked his chest and he held me closer. Shivers went down my spine when one of his hands snuck up my shirt and trailed across my skin.

Angus pulled away for a second. "You were lookin', weren't ya'?" he asked, humour in his voice. 

"Oh, shut up," I said kissing him again. A little noise escaped him as I did. I wasn't sure how far I wanted to go. For weeks now my mindset hadn't been its best. And as much as Angus cheered me up that morning, he didn't cure me. And my mood started plummeting again. I pulled away, catching my breath. "Angus," I panted.

"Yeah?" he asked in an even worse state. 

I didn't look him in the eye. I couldn't, I felt too ashamed. "Not today," I mumbled.

Angus stayed quiet for a minute, his hand stroking my hair. "Alright," he said pulling me in for another hug and leaning back on the pillows. He continued to soothingly run his fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes. "Not today."

My heart felt crushed in two. How could he be so nice about it? Why didn't he get upset with me? Why was Angus such a gentleman?

I fought back tears. "I'm sorry," I said. He started rubbing my back.

"Hey, ya' don't need to be sorry," he said. "Ya' don't want to, we won't. Easy as that." I took deep breaths while he soothed me. "Bit worried about ya' though," he said after a time. "I mean, ya' haven't...wanted to...in a while..."

I felt horrible. My insides twisted and turned and my palms grew moist. Deep down I knew I had every right to say no. Both of us, at any time, had the right to say no if we wanted to. No matter how long we'd been together, married or not, no matter how far we had gotten....if either of us wanted out, we could say so. And lately it had always been me.

Angus had been very gracious every time. Immediately he'd stop whatever he was doing and we'd do something else. But I wondered if he'd gotten tired of it. He was a healthy man. Just because I wasn't the most...adventurous person out there didn't mean he wasn't. Wanda's words of him leaving me for someone else...growing tired of my games and finding someone who could give him what he wanted...someone happier and able to support him when he went on tour. Someone to supply him with whatever he wanted whenever he wanted...

Someone the exact opposite of me. 

Hot tears started sliding down my cheeks. I discreetly wiped them away. I couldn't let Angus slip through my fingers. I couldn't lose the man I was in love with, the only man I'd ever been in love with. Somewhere my brain was trying to tell me Angus would never do such a thing. But either my clouded thinking or my insecurities panicked and made me act quick. I sat up and kissed him on the lips again. 

I kissed his lips, his cheeks, his jaw, his neck, his shoulders. Every inch of bare skin within my reach. He didn't object but perhaps he was too surprised at my brazen actions to protest. He tried sitting up but I climbed on top of him before he could, straddling him. He held me by the hips while I brought my focus to his neck and collarbone. His skin was hot and flushed. My heart raced. I convinced myself I wanted this. Angus did, I should too.

His excitement was all the proof I needed. 

I pressed myself against him as close as I could get without hurting him. The bed covers had been pushed aside leaving us entirely exposed. I kissed the space right below his ear and along his jaw while his hands remained glued to my hips, only his thumbs tracing circles along the skin under my shirt. My hips rocked against his, letting him know I was ready and willing. I wouldn't disappoint him this time. I wanted him. I wanted to feel every last inch of him. 

I wanted to thrill him.

Much to my surprise Angus spoke up. "Maybe we ought not to, Hannah," he said, his voice a bit hoarse. I started kissing the other side of his neck and he tilted his head the other way, giving me better access. "As nice as this is..."

"I want to," I mumbled. I wondered if he was going to flip us over and take the lead but he never did so I continued my plan of attack. I left a trail of kisses from his neck to his chest and back up again. 

"No you don't," Angus said, his voice a little louder now. I pulled away and frowned. 

"How do you know what I want and what I don't want?" I snapped. 

Angus, whose eyes were quickly returning to their normal colour, stared at me catching his breath. "'Cause you said so," he said. I huffed and rolled my eyes.

"Well I changed my mind," I said and leaned back in to kiss him. He gave in for a few seconds before speaking up again.

"Hannah."

I pulled away. "What now?" Angus stared at me with a hurtful expression. 

"What's goin' on, love?" he asked gently. More tears pooled and I blinked them away. I couldn't look into his eyes filled with concern, it would send me over the brink of no return. "This isn't like you."

"Is it wrong for someone to want their boyfriend?" I asked. Angus sighed.

"Not at all," he said. "But you said two seconds ago you didn't want to an' now you're all over me." He managed a small smile. "Not that I'm not rather flattered..."

I pushed my hair out of my face. "I changed my mind is all," I said. "I want you."

"An' I want you more than anythin' right now but I don't think we should." I got off of him and lay down on the other side of the bed, rolling away from him. I pulled the bed covers over me. "Not when you're so vulnerable, ya' know?"

"I didn't realise that was unattractive to you," I said. "I'll try to be more willing next time." I could feel Angus staring at the back of my head.

"What are you talkin' about?"

Hot tears flowed down my cheeks and I couldn't stop them. My body shook and I sniffled. The bed shifted under us as Angus lay down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. I closed my eyes as he looked at me, brushing his thumb across my cheek and wiping away the tears. I wasn't sure if I could choke out an answer. 

"Hannah,  what's wrong?" Angus asked. "You're not yourself lately an' it's worryin' me."

How could I answer that? I barely knew myself what was wrong.

Except that I did. 

This wasn't new to me. 

"You're not...gonna run off with...someone else?" I said refusing to face him.

"What makes ya' think I'd ever do that?" I buried my face deeper into the pillow. Angus sighed. "Look, if ya' heard any arseholes tellin' me I could do better, I heard 'em too. An' they're fuckin' wrong, understand?" I sniffed, wiping my eyes on my arm. "I'm not lookin' for a new girlfriend to go to bed with, I'm worried about my current girlfriend an' I wanna help her." I felt him comb his fingers through my hair. "An' I'm not runnin' off, understand?"

I believed him, didn't I?

Then why couldn't I stop crying?

"No matter what happens...I'm still yours."