George hugged his mother while she cried into his shoulder. "One minute he's here," she said stepping away from him. "And the next he's not."

"Did you call the whole family?" Malcolm asked. Linda stood next to him, holding his hand. Cara and Ross had been left at home with a babysitter until they could find the time to tell them what happened. Angus was on the phone with one of his older brothers and Margaret was somewhere else in the house. She refused to come out.

"I called you," she said looking at Malcolm. "And George and John," she said. She dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief. George helped her to sit back down on her chair. "And I would have called more but...my heart just wasn't in it."

"I called Stephen." George said. "An' I told him to call as many people as he could."

"Thank you, George," Mrs. Young said. A huge weight had been dropped on all our shoulders. Especially theirs. It was a deep pit of sorrow that consumed us from the inside out. A member of the Young family was gone. 

Our family.

Angus had hung up the phone and came over to George, taking him aside. I couldn't hear what they were saying. Linda would occasionally wipe away a small tear forming. Mrs. Young kept blowing her nose and gently sobbing. I wanted so badly to go up and comfort her but I didn't know how. I was never great at things like that. And sometimes they didn't want your comforting. What if she turned me away?

"Alex will probably want to help with the service," Malcolm said. "Told me a few years ago that in case somethin' like this should happen..."

"Is he in the area?" Mrs. Young asked. 

"Last I checked he was back in Glasgow," Malcolm said as more of a guess. "But it won't take him long to get down here."

George and Angus came back, George to stand by his mother and Angus to sit next to me. I couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a parent. I dreaded the day the same would happen to me. Would Angus follow me back home? Or would my family even want to see him? They never liked him much. They weren't happy the day I told them I was moving in with him. 

What if they hated me for it? What if by choosing him I had unintentionally left my family behind and they wanted nothing to do with me anymore?

I took Angus' hand in mine.

**********

George wanted to stay close to Mrs. Young so he took one of the empty bedrooms to sleep in. Malcolm and Linda had taken a small motel close by and let Angus and I have the other guest room. Angus and I were quiet most of the night. Nobody wanted to make any noise for fear of disturbing somebody else in the house. 

Whether or not Angus was asleep I didn't know. Nor did I know what time it was. All I knew was I couldn't sleep and I wanted some fresh air. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and slowly left the room. Angus didn't call after me. 

I tiptoed out the front door to the front yard. It was a semi-detached house and the yard space allotted to us was very minimal. There were a few bushes and a small patch of grass. I sat on the tiny front porch. Clouds were rolling in but no rain so far. Just a chilly wind. 

Two bright lights flashed into my eyes and I hid my face. When they shut off I looked back to see a small car parked in front of the house. It was hard to see whose it was in the dark and I got ready to go back inside. The right door opened and Malcolm stepped out looking a little worse for wear. "Jesus Christ, you scared me," he said locking the door behind him. "Saw you in the lights." He looked down at me. "What are ya' doin' out here?"

I shrugged. "Couldn't sleep." He sat down next to me and pulled out a cigarette. 

"Me either. Tossin' around at the motel an' thought I forgot somethin' back at the house. Came by to pick it up." I caught a faint whiff of smoke. "Guess I can spare a few minutes." I shivered under my blanket. Malcolm noticed. "Ya' really ought to head back inside," he said. 

"I'm okay," I insisted. I noticed Malcolm's eyes were red. "I'm really sorry," I said knowing damn good and well that wouldn't do shit. But it was all I could do.

"Me too," Malcolm said. "He was a good dad. A great dad." Then I noticed Malcolm shaking a little. At first I thought he was just shivering from the cold but I second guessed myself. "Everyone else asleep?"

"I think so," I said. "I don't know, probably not." He kept puffing on his cigarette and shaking off the ashes. "Are you okay?"

He managed a small humourless laugh. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "The service is gonna cost a bit...an' I know Mum doesn't have much. Us kids wanna all pitch in an' help but I'm not sure she wants that." I listened quietly. Malcolm sighed, his voice rising a little. "Why did this have to happen now? I mean we're already in shit as it is, we don't need this an' Mum sure as fuck doesn't need this."

I looked back at the house to see if any lights inside had turned on. Still completely dark. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Life doesn't give a shit what you're going through or who you are. Things just happen whether good or bad. But I didn't think Malcolm needed to hear that right now. And he surely already knew. I stayed quiet.

"I'm not lookin' forward to tellin' the kids," Malcolm said. "My kids. Ross is too young but Cara might know somethin's wrong...we called Linda's mum to watch them while we left an' we left in a bit of a hurry. I think Cara suspects somethin' but she doesn't really...understand it all..."

Malcolm's shaking eased up a little. He wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. Once in a while I'd hear a noise in the bushes but it was always some kind of animal looking for food. A couple of creatures I couldn't detect were fighting and scrambling around making quite a racket when Malcolm picked up a small stone and gently tossed it over. Whatever was fighting had scampered off. 

"Ya' hear about the newest album?" Malcolm asked. "Angus tell you anythin'?"

"A little, and Linda said something too." He ran a hand over his face.

"The fuckin'....the fuckin' music videos are a pain in my arse, let's leave it at that," he said. "Furthest thing from the fuckin' band as you can fuckin' get. An' we get a break, ya' know, an' I'm pushin' Ang out of my way at the airport tryin' to get to Linda an' the kids an' then this happens an' I'm callin' family an' George is callin' family an' Mum's callin' an' this whole time I'm thinkin' of callin' Bon's family...."

I knew Malcolm had been wanting to say something for a long time. All of this had been building up inside him and he finally let it all out in one breath. Five years really wasn't very long ago. All of us still missed him. I still saw him sometimes in my dreams. He was healthy and happy and smiling just like he was in life. I wanted to bottle all those dreams up and lock them away where I could see them anytime I wanted. But I couldn't. I was forced to make do with the fact that none of us would ever see Bon in person ever again. 

"An' then Phil up an' leaves an' we're waitin' for him an' he's still out doin' fuck knows what...." Malcolm's cigarette was already almost out. "I had a fuckin' truckload to say to him an' he didn't wanna hear any of it an' I didn't wanna hear any of his shit..." He sighed again. "I wanna be sure he's really ready to come back before callin'....it feels too soon right now."

I leaned my head on his shoulder. His warmth eased my shivering. It seemed I wasn't the only one going through some wars right now. And it must have been ten times harder for Malcolm. I didn't have a band to make decisions about. I didn't have a death in the family. But I did have plenty of friends in pain. 

And one of them was sitting next to me chain smoking. 

"Don't mean to bore ya'," he said lighting up the second cigarette. "None of that's news to ya'."

"You didn't bore me," I said. He blew out a small puff of smoke that dispelled in the air in front of us. 

"Jus'...been a fuckin' lot, ya' know? An' I'm real fuckin' tired..."